The Deadly Spawn (1983)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Coordinates: An alien is in a family’s basement and then slowly makes its way up the house, killing people, until the movie ends in the attic.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Two guys are banging in a tent when a meteorite lands near their bang site.
• They’re killed by aliens because this is a horror movie and presumably they just banged.
• And I think this guy just banged his grandma.
• We’re treated to a 20-minute scene of the guy who banged his grandma putting on galoshes.
• Is the alien always going to be a shadow?
• The alien bites Mrs. Roper’s face off.
• Wait, there’s another family living in this house? What the fuck is going on? Is this a BnB?
• There’s a whole family dynamic going on here that you’d need a Powerpoint presentation to understand.
• This breakfast scene goes on longer than all breakfasts I’ve ever had combined.

• This kid’s uncle is asking him a bunch of psychological questions about monsters and asks him to put on a costume and scare him later. Call the police.
• Is this entire movie set in this ugly house?
• At least it could have been a sorority house so we could look at boobies instead of this pervert uncle taking a nap.
• The kid goes to the basement, sees blood, the giant alien creature, its deadly spawn, a dead body, and his mother’s severed head, and he reacts like he’s reading one of those school-issued comic books about street crossing safety. In other words, the same face I’m making while watching it.
• They’re dissecting a deadly spawn and it looks like a cow’s dick from the local butcher shop.
• I feel pretty comfortable that I can make the definite statement that this is the worst Schlocktoberfest year ever. I’ll elaborate more in the finale recap. Everything has just been so boring. It makes me long for last year’s terrible food theme, which made me long for all other themes past.
• “Are you going together?” I remember back in the day you would ask someone if they wanted to “go” with you, meaning be your girl/boyfriend. That term doesn’t make a lot of sense. Maybe it’s just shortened from “go steady” the generation before. Anyone do you want to go with me?

• There is another house in this movie, the real grandmother’s house who has this vegetarian dinner party subplot that’s going nowhere but I still think it’s just a different part of the same house.
• The deadly spawn attack the ladies vegetarian dinner party. I wish I could care even a little bit.
• The gore and creature effects are actually surprisingly good. Too bad the opposite goes for the directing, writing, and acting.
• The kid is still in the basement.
• The pervert uncle has his eyes eaten out by the deadly spawn. I hope he at least orgasmed during it. I know I did.

• Haha, the nice girl who was the love interest of the older brother just got her head bitten off by the big alien. I honestly didn’t see that coming. Fortunately she’s been replaced by another girl who just randomly showed up at the house.
• It feels like this movie would’ve turned out a lot better if it was made 4 years later.
• So the boy basically blows up the big one after a 95-minute standoff in the attic. It’s nice that they used every part of the house, like the Native Americans.

• Bernardsville!
• The mountain behind the house turns out to be the biggest and deadliest spawn of all time!
• Actually a good ending and could’ve been a decent movie without all the friggin’ padding.

Scare Stars: Shouldn’t we just eliminate this category at this point?

Gore Galaxy: A lot of that good cheap gore that I’m a sucker for. People are eaten and dismembered more in this movie than in a cannibal’s porno.

Nudity Nebula: Some slight grandmother’s boob in the beginning.

Space Vacuum: Aside from the meteorite in the beginning everything pretty much takes place in one house, like an effective kidnapping.

Best Transmission: “They don’t seem to make fine ceramics of the great apes, for some reason.”

Best Visual: The ending with the giantest deadliest spawn was pretty cherry. It was obviously all miniatures, but it worked really well.

Worst Visual: There is just way too much filler in this hot dog.

Universally: There are some enjoyable moments in this but mostly it’s just a slog to get through. I actually enjoyed everything with the alien and the climax, but everything in between with the family was just a waste of time. Because of that there wasn’t much to say (see above), but if you like movies about aliens eating people go ahead and check it out and fast forward through the non-alien parts. Or just watch this:

Analysis: 3.5 Cow Dicks, Please, Mr. Butcher (out of 10)