Inseninoid (1981)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Mission Log: An Alien impregnates one of the women of a British archaeological crew on a distant planet – which the stout Brits consider rather improper.

Here are some of my observations during playback:

• A Sir Run Run Shaw production? What the fuck kinda name is that and why was he knighted?
• With a movie title like this, you can pretty much guess the plot right off the bat.
• These opening credits look like the cover to Metallica’s “Load” album.
• This is gonna be a British b-grade Alien rip-off isn’t it?
• When you discover alien hieroglyphics, you always call Mitch. I thought everyone knew that.
• With a movie title like Inseminoid, you have to have half your cast be attractive women. Just sayin’.
• This planet was ruled by twins? Did this crew land on Winklevoss-7?
• The crew are now all dressed in white in the mess-hall – is someone’s chest about to burst?
• Standing in a lab with both of your shirts off hugging is considered sex in space.
• I guess 90% of Tubi’s ad revenue is derived from Honda. It can’t be a tracking cookie since I drive Dodge.
• That explosion to the face has left Ricky with enhanced strength and a section 8.
• This mining cart chase scene is reminiscent of the one in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, except for the fact that it’s boring and only going 2 MPH.
  

  This looks like Edward G. Robinson just took a bite out of P.J. Soles.

• Gail is arguably one of the dumbest characters in my lineup for this year. As she is being coached on how to repair her compromised space suit (which only entails the crossing of 2 wires), she freaks out, says she can’t do it, shoves a tube in her mouth; and tries to amputate her trapped foot while she freezes to death. Darwinism at its finest.
• At least the crew had the decency to whip up a quick burial for Ricky and Gail on this planet.
• We’re about a half hour into this and there is not one Noid inseminating anything yet.
• Spoke to soon, Mitch is torn apart and Sandy is raped.
• Is this alien using a machine to impregnate Sandy, or does he have a glass tube for a dick?
• The way the doctor says, “thorough examination” is downright eerie.
• That weird British exchange rate with time is at it again with Sandy being 2 months pregnant after 2 minutes of screen time.
• It seems the planet is starting to explode for no fucking reason.
• Sandy hacks up Barbra with a pair of scissors and manages to not get one drop of blood on herself. Impressive.
• Sandy’s pregnancy cravings have lead her down the path of corpse mutilation and consumption. Motherhood truly is magical.
• Jesus, Sandy is putting up Jason Vorhees numbers. She’s culling the crew like a pro.
• It’s a little fucked up that Sandy’s only weakness is being either punched or kicked in the stomach.
• Finally! A gore shot.
  

  I don’t think about it often, but when I do – this is exactly what I think alien sperm would look like.

• Finally! The birth scene, and has Sandy got a set of lungs on her or what?
• Congratulations Sandy, it’s a pair of alien dick twins.
• The birth of the alien twins reminds me of the one that was in V.
  
• Why in the living Hell did Mark rescue the alien twins and not kill them immediately?
• The explosives that Sandy and Mark have been farting around with for the past 10 minutes have finally gone off.
• This movie has some of the worst fight choreography ever.
• OK, it’s now down to Sandy and final girl Mark.
• Mark chokes Sandy to death with some cables. This harkens back to stupid Gail’s death I think.
• One of the twins ate Sharon during Mark’s fight with Sandy, and then the other one kills him. No Ripley in this movie I guess.
• I think the fact that it took the rescue shuttle 28 days to reach their distress call is a cheap joke.
• Aww, the alien twins hid aboard the shuttle in a shot ripped right out of Basket Case. All’s well and all that.
  

  Stop screaming dickhead.

Scare Stars: Not much. For some reason in these low budget British horror films, (the obvious exception is anything by The House of Hammer) I always get the feeling that the characters are more put out by the inconvenience of the situation rather than being scared. The few times you see those dick-shaped baby aliens running around might give cause to slight discomfort though.

Gore Galaxy: Unless I saw a stricter edit of this, there wasn’t that much. Some blood here and there, and suggested mutilations and dismemberment. You get to see some innards at the end, but at that point who cares?

Heavenly Bodies: Sandy does a full frontal scene but an alien is raping her at the time, so it kinda takes you outta the mood.

Best Transmission: It was tough to find one in this movie, but I got a chuckle of how whenever Mark would yell at one of the females on the crew; he had to emphasize it with “woman.” i.e “Run woman!” or “Do it woman!”

Best Visual: Seeing the baby alien dick twins pop out of a storage chest as they stow away on the rescue shuttle – only because you knew that there was no other way to end the movie.

Worst Visual: Any one that involves fighting or minor scuffling, as I’m sure it said in the script. Also, Gail’s stupid death by self-amputation during freezing. She only had to connect two wires together for fuck’s sake!

Damage Report: Wow, I didn’t write a lot about this one. According to the word count, I’m almost 500 words short of what I usually average in my reviews. That seems odd, I didn’t hate or love this movie any more than usual – I guess it was just bland, like British cuisine. Hiyo! I’m joking of course, some of the best meals I’ve had in my life were in England and while writing this I realized that I really don’t have that much else to say about Inseminoid. Maybe I’m tired, maybe this movie truly sucked, maybe I didn’t have a strong enough buzz to help along the muse of jokes; or maybe I’m just trying to fluff the word count. Who really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really knows.

Kobayashi Maru Score: