Critters 3 (1991)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Mission Log: Those lovable yet deadly space aliens, The Crites, are back again and doing exactly what they did in the first two Critters films. However, this one they are paying homage to Die Hard and setting 2/3rds of the film in an apartment complex.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• That’s the font for the movie?! It’s one step up from Comic Sans!!!
• Someone named Leonardo DiCaprio is in this. Something tells me he’s going nowhere.
• Something tells me that this fella’s flat tire ain’t the only thing going to be flat in this flick.
• This little kid looks familiar. I think it was Dominic from Kindergarten Cop. Yup.
• Within 30 seconds of Leo’s film debut some girl calls him a pervert!
• Badgers?! Badgers?! We don’t need no stinking’ badgers!!!
• Look at this fucking guy.
• Hey Lighten up, we’re just throwing!
• This is for the Molokai Crites!
• Great throw Leo.
• Watching Leo attempt to grab a frisbee multiple times with a hooked stick is Oscar-worthy in itself.
• Why in holy fuck was Charlie hiding camouflaged in the ground?
• Charlie says that the events of the first Critters happened in 1984. But the movie came out in 1986. Is there a particular good reason to have the movie take place in 1984? I mean, was it supposed to be 1984 all along? I know that the first Critters was written and shelved for a few years but again, does the year really matter?
• Man, I hope this film does a Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 and have half of the movie told in flashback scenes of the first 2 movies.
• I love how the flashbacks are all out of order.
• So how and why are there Crites around this RV/truck stop? This film probably won’t explain how they’re alive.
• Magic crystals now? Remember when the first flick had a sophisticated pager to alert the bounty hunters? Now it’s glowing crystals.
• So Leo’s in trouble because he was supposed to be back at the RV in just 5 minutes. Last we saw his Step-dad he was sipping a cocktail and bothering these new protagonist kids’ dad while he changed a tire. At no point did he call Leo back or was looking for him. So what difference does it make that he wasn’t back in 5 minutes. What a dick.
• How did those Crite eggs end up under the guy’s truck?
• This guy named Mario looks just like Super Mario.
• What is this douche all about? He reminds me of Michael Showalter from The State when he played Doug.

• Hahahaha. So Clifford’s truck (who last we saw had a flat tire) now has no brakes when they arrive in Grovers Bend, instead of trying to slow the car down by going around a few blocks or so, he thinks ramming someone else’s truck parked at the curb would be a good idea. Idiot.
• It was Mario’s truck and he’s OK with it.
• I’m confused. Do Clifford and his kids live in Grovers Bend? Or from there? They knew Mario and this other lady, Marcia. But earlier when Charlie was telling the story about the Crites and Grovers Bend, she didn’t seem to care or remember anything.
• Frances Bay (Grandma from Happy Gilmore) is in this? She must’ve had crippling gambling debts to pay off.
• OK, Frances Bay said to Annie, welcome home. So they are from Grovers Bend. And they don’t know anything about the Crites and the 2 invasions there. BULLSHIT!!
• HAHAHA. The douche from earlier, Frank, is played but the same douche who played one of the garbagemen arch-rivals to Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen from Men At Work. The Rastafarian one.
• So far we are only hearing Crites in the distance. It’s only 23 minutes so it’s within the parameters of a typical Critters film in only showing Critters for ⅔ of a film.
• The father said he was going to eat his dinner, watch some TV and then go to sleep. But little does his daughter realize that between the TV watching and sleep is a good ol’ rubbing one out.
• Is Frank really that excited over some fat lady’s bra?
• This film just tried to fake us out with Frank being bitten by a Crite when he reaches into a clothes dryer with him grabbing a hot shoe.
• Well Frank’s dead. I really thought he’d turn around and be the hero by the finale.
• I’m kinda rooting that the dad Clifford dies next.
• Oh so the asshole step-dad for Leo is Frank’s employer. And now he’s driving a car. So he just travels on vacation by RV then.

• The 86 84 and 88 critter attacks are Fake News apparently.
• The fat lady who’s doing her laundry picks up her bra (the same one Frank was admiring earlier) and says pervert when she notices the Critter green goo on it. Does she assume his cum is green?
• Learned two new things about the Crites. They hate bunnies and they melt in bleach. Will any of these two details mean anything later—probably not.
• Critters are horrible hunters. And fighters. And survivors.
• Again with the badgers?!
• Stop with the BADGERS!
• You would think that the Crites would be awesome pack hunters but nope, they mostly stand there maybe shoot a quill or two and wait.
• Why is this asshole step-dad, who I guess is the landlord to this apartment building, cutting the phone lines for?!
• How and why does Marcia have flares in her apartment?
• This Leo chap is acting his heart out!
• Hahaha. Leo tells Marcia to look at the Critters rolling into view before they actually roll into view!
• How is this only half over!!?!
• My interest in this flick is waning fast.
• I know the Crites need/want food but are they not going to go outside this apartment building and cause more carnage elsewhere. These really are the dumbest carnivorous alien predators of all time.
• Seriously how fucking hard is to make a Critters flick entertaining? It’s not like monster movies were tough to make back in then 90s. Tremors was made a year earlier and that was darn near perfect.
• I don’t know why I’m asking but why were these people being evicted by Leo’s stepdad. Marcia said she works for the phone company. Clifford has a job too I think. These people don’t seem like lazy bums not paying their rent.
• I am far from amused at watching 3 Critters eat liquid dish soap and baked beans. Who thought this would be entertaining? This just makes me want to watch the Dorry’s Tavern scene from Gremlins.

• Normally I would question why they’re having a normal conversation about Leo’s step-dad and why he’s there but I don’t think they’re in any real danger.
• I love how Annie tells Leo that her mom died too but not ilke your step-dad. Yeah, he wasn’t ravaged and devoted by tiny alien monsters?
• Are we seriously still cutting back to the three critters eating soap and beans. Oh cute, they’re farting and having a pie throwing fight. Fuck this flick!
• Seriously how hard is it to escape this apartment building to get help! This is worse than SHAKMAAAAAAAA!!!!
• This is seriously your best idea? Walking on the power lines? You all deserve to die horrible deaths.
• Now Marcia is swinging because her foot is somehow caught on the power lines and she’s haphazardly trying to swing to the nearest phone booth. What makes this terrible is she’s constantly saying “yes, yes, yes” as she gets close and “no, no, no” as she swings away.

• This is not a horror movie by any means.
• I just read some trivia that this and the fourth Critters was filmed simultaneously. I can’t believe New Line had that much money to piss away in 1991. Weird thing is both Critters 3 & 4 have vastly different casts, different locations and two different directors. So how did filming them simultaneously benefit anyone?
• Wait a minute. Now the Crites has sonic siren power?
• One of the Crite’s names is Blackie. Now I want to listen to W.A.S.P.
• Lemme guess. Charlie’s here to save the day.
• I’m barely giving any shits at this point.
• What just happened? Charlie shot a Crite with his Bounty Hunter weapon and the Crite not only flew out of the building but exploded later on like a firecracker. Made no sense.
• This has to be over really soon right?
• This Leo kid has no future in the movies whatsoever!
• “The railroad can get along without me.” Well, what are you going to do for money and food dipshit!?!?
• Wait, this isn’t Grovers Bend? This whole time I thought this was Grovers Bend. Fuck me.
• This movie doesn’t know when to call it quits!
• I’m finding it incredibly annoying that the end credits have freeze-frames of Charlie hunting Crites. Every 10 seconds or so the shot freezes as the titles show on screen and then start up again to show Charlie. Why couldn’t they just split screen this?! It’s aggravating.
• Oh good. Ug’s back. With 20 seconds left in the flick.
• This movie has a lot of brass balls to assume that this franchise needs another sequel.
• But will Leo be back?!?

Phobia Level: It’s scary to think that someone as great as Leonardo DiCaprio can still have a decent career after starring in something like this.

Sick Bay: I watched this too long ago to recall. But most likely not.

Heavenly Bodies: We would have to wait 6 more years until Leo draws someone like his French girls.

Best Transmission: Charlie may have something charming in his dumbass yokel drawl but I don’t care to remember.

Most Successful Experiment: I still can’t believe they made this and Critters 4 at the same time!

Experiment Gone Awry: From the opening titles to the super annoying end titles this movie was a complete and utter turd. I can’t effectively rank what scene is worse than the others. 

Damage Report: I’m kinda shocked that I never caught this back in 1991 on cable. I was a fan enough of the Critters movies and would probably watch this on a Saturday afternoon. Well in any case it was a blessing or divine intervention that detoured me away from ever seeing this until the time was right. And that time was Schlocktoberfest 9. But if you didn’t already guess, this was a complete stinker and waste of everyone’s time and energy. Including mine. I still don’t understand how they make lackluster Critters movies. There was no good original ideas to attempt with little alien varmints that shoot quills? You would think taking them into a more city environment would open up more possibilities but they failed in that. It’s like Poltergeist 3 and Jason Takes Manhattan where the city setting really means squat to the main villain(s) in the story. At the very least have the Critters do some good gory stuff, not show them smelling each others’ fucking farts in an empty kitchen.

Kobayashi Maru Score: