Extraterrestrial Visitors (1983)

Trailer Entire Film:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Coordinates: A young boy befriends a friendly space creature and together they learn to live and love and then the boy abandons the space creature in the woods to starve to death.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• I picked this movie but have no idea what it’s about. Visitors who also happen to be extraterrestrial, I suppose.
• Connie Cheston, woo hoo! 
• There’s a meteor headed for the moon! I guess that’s bad news for whoever lives there.
• Why are these three fucking idiots hunting in the woods at night during a thunderstorm?
• They’re hunting nightingale eggs, because it’s nighttime. Why did one guy bring a crossbow? Those must be some fierce nightingales.
• Great idea climbing a huge tree in the middle of a lightning storm to get some fucking nightingale eggs. They could get a quarter a piece for those eggs and be set for life!
• So the meteor crashes into Earth, which would probably would be a cataclysmic local event.
• This movie is hard to watch. I mean it looks like shit, like an alien wiped its ass with the film. And it also sucks.
• I predict this is going to be this year’s Rabid Grannies.
• This picture was also known as Pod People, but these aliens aren’t people, and therefore have no American rights.
• So one of the egg hunters (Gunters) goes into a cave caused by the meteor, I think, and finds a bunch of alien eggs, which he promptly smashes. I thought they were after eggs to sell? Seems like they could have gotten at least 50 cents each for those! Then he gets killed by a hairy-armed alien.
• There’s also a little boy who saw the meteor crash from his bedroom, and also some people recording a horrible ‘50s rock album, for some reason.

• “Hear the engines roar now!” This song will probably be used to drive the aliens back to their home planet at the end.
• The horrible studio musicians are going on a road trip and we’re experiencing their drive in real-time, much like Rock n’ Roll Nightmare but nobody in this band approaches Jon-Mikl Thor’s talent level.
• So far this is kind of like Invaders from Mars meets E.T. meets The Deer Hunter meets American Graffiti meets Pocahontas meets the glaucoma test at the optometrist where the puff the air into your eye but it goes on for 84 minutes.
• The groupie dressed like Pocahontas is accosted by an alien I think and falls off a short cliff. The band dipshits try to revive her by pouring whiskey in her mouth, even though she’s out cold.
• The boy, Tommy, took an alien egg back to his house. I guess this is where they got the idea for Hatchimals from.
• Apparently this is supposed to be set in New England but it couldn’t be more European if a mime playing accordion came by and dropped off some croissants.
• Tommy has one of those dubbed voices that’s clearly an older woman who sounds like she’s taken a little more lithium than her quack physician recommended.
• The Gunters say they’ll get $3,000 for the nightingale eggs! That sounds like birdshit. Probably more like $30 and a small omelet.
• The aliens have like elephant heads and furry bodies and they’re fucking precious. I can’t really assign them Shakma Syndrome status because they’re not really the antagonists.
• The boy names the baby alien Trumpy. Maybe it can collude with a foreign government to get back to its planet, then lie about it and try to place the blame on the boy.

• The band ends up at the boy’s house, but his mom says they can’t get help for Pocahontas because it’s too dark. Maybe they could at least try? They’d be on a road, right? With headlights? Anyway, the next day she’s dead, so good call not getting her help last night.
• Tommy and Trumpy are having some nice E.T. Time, doing puzzles and playing Simon. You never fully realize how unbelievably annoying the Simon sounds are until you’re a parent. It’s like having a goose honk directly into your ear canal.
• Tommy draws a picture of his mom, and it has long blond hair, but his mom has short black hair. This kid is as dumb as the real Trump.

Trumpy addresses 70% of his Twitter supporters: red Russian bots.

• So far there’s been zero horror except maybe that Gunter getting killed.
• Trumpy’s missing. Check the golf course. Or his resort, Mars-a-Lago.
• Apparently they’re snowed in, but there are several shots where there’s no snow on the ground at all. AT ALL! It would be like if in The Shining Jack got cabin fever even though it was June and the Overlook Hotel was located within the Las Vegas city limits.
• Trumpy kills one of the girls. I think he just wanted to get his trunk wet and she spurned him.
• Oh it wasn’t Trumpy it was the other evil one, Pencey, who was definitely pissed about the egg abortions earlier.
• The boy tells Trumpy he doesn’t love him anymore and to take a motherfucking space hike back into the woods. Harry and the Hendersons would rip this off wholesale a few years later.
• Long story short, they shoot Pencey and leave Trumpy in the woods. THE END, KIDS.

Scare Stars: I suppose if you have night terrors about a hairy dwarf with a big nose this might unnerve you.

Gore Galaxy: There’s no gore at all but the band viciously slaughters rock n’ roll.

Nudity Nebula: I think Trumpy’s nose was actually his fandangler.

Space Vacuum: Aside from the meteor at the beginning and Trumpy being Trumpy, everything takes place at your grandmother’s bankrupt BnB.

Best Transmission: “Go away Trumpy! I hate you! Go away! We’re not friends anymore! Go away!” – Tommy, saying what we’re all thinking

Best Visual: I can’t in good conscience say anything whatsoever looked remotely good in this movie.

Worst Visual: Pretty much everything. The way it’s shot, the lighting, and the quality of whatever toilet paper they used for film stock make it literally hard to watch.

Wait, isn’t that the white power hand signal Trump always does?

Universally: Originally intended as a low-budget horror movie about an evil alien. After the success of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982), the producers made the alien into a lovable character, and added a kid who befriends it. Director Juan Piquer Simón was not satisfied with the final result. Well, that makes a lot of sense of why this movie tries to be both a lovable alien/kid story and a movie about an alien murdering musicians with no talent. Even weirder is the director’s film right before this was Pieces, which is a schlock classic. Marketed in some territories as ‘E.T. – The Second Coming.’ Well now that’s an ENTIRELY different kind of movie…

Analysis: 1 Vote for Trumpy’s Opponent (out of 10)