The Galaxy Invader (1985)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Mission Log: Another alien drops into Baltimore and kills some rednecks.

Here are some of my observations during playback:

• The opening shot looks like it’s right out of Warner Brother’s animation Studios.
• Don Leifert getting the “And” credit – ‘bout time he got some respect.
• Production Coordinators in these movies essentially just made sure no one was home when they illegally filmed in backyards.
• Christ, these opening credits were over two minutes long. Is that a bad thing?
• Look, we paid for the meteor animation we’re gonna show it!
• That was clever use of someone’s Chevette hatchback to simulate the opening of an alien spaceship door.
• When you see a UFO in this town, you call a teacher you had a year ago?
• After Dr. Tracy gets the heads up call from David about the UFO, I was expecting him to get there in 45 minutes after he got his shit together; not six fucking hours!
• Why won’t this couple having breakfast say anything to each other?
• Honey! There’s another Galaxy Invader in the basement again!
• A lot of exposition in this cellar.
• This idiot couple went through their entire screen time not talking at all, and barely even screamed when TGI killed them. Yes, TGI is how I’m going to refer to the alien from here on out.
• The wonderful Don Dohler repertoire company is back yet again.
• Jeez, somebody get Baltimore’s version of Patti Smith her eggs before she becomes less charming.
• Her Dad slapping her is without a doubt, the funniest thing I will see this month.
• Joe, where exactly are you off to with that gun in your hand?
  

  “It’s using the trees.”

• After Joe slaps and argues with her, Carol runs out of the house only to be chased by Joe with a shotgun. Her brain surgeon brother then confidently proclaims that Dad is in “a nasty mood.” Not exactly the Clampetts are they?
• Joe is actually hunting his own daughter (Carol) in the woods threatening to blow her head off. My dad was an utter piece of shit too, but goddamn.
• Joe shoots a glowing white ball off of TGI and immediately thinks he’s gonna be rich.
• It turns out that this scenario is the fourth time Joe has threatened Carol with a gun? What the fuck is going on in that household?
• We cut back to David who, according to the timeline of this movie, has been standing next to his car for six hours waiting for Dr. Tracy.
• The Montague clan is in dire need of family counseling.
• I’m pretty sure that there’s a drinking game for Dohler’s movie Fiend, but one could be constructed for this movie in which you drank every time Joe says, “shut up!” or acts harshly to a family member.
• Hey Frank! Who do we blame for that fucking hat?
• I had no idea there were women in Maryland who were Georgia peaches.
• Wardrobe and costuming for The Galaxy Invader provided by Caldor and Jamesway.
• Joe obviously had to have his lines written on cue cards and placed on the ground – and you thought the holes in his wife-beater were the limits of his charm.
• The scene with Joe and Frank had to have at least 50 takes each judging by how fast Frank’s cigar smokes down.
• I remember this scene where TGI gets his ball back from J.J. because it was used in the opening credits of MST3K’s version of Pod People. Too arcane a reference? Tough titty.
• We can never have a Dohler movie without a scene in a bar.
• Frank’s chick Vicki isn’t drinking – she must be with child.
• These yokels who decide to hunt with Frank and Joe because they have nothing else to do tonight, does not come as a shock at all.
  

  My garage band does not suck! Get back here!

• How do the Montague children deal with their shit dad Joe? They sit on the living room floor and listen to Van Halen’s seminal album “1984” that’s how.
• I really cannot wait for Joe to die.
• David and Dr. Tracy still haven’t found TGI’s crash site. How big can this Podunk town be?
• Vicki’s back on the sauce gents! Get those shots of Wild Turkey ready!
• It sounds like The Outlaws took over for the soundtrack here.
• This posse looks about as competent as the one from Silver Bullet.
  
• I for one can honestly say that I’m glad that Dohler went for character development over FX this time ‘round. The story is what matters; he understands that better than the writers for Star Wars movies do nowadays.
• I agree with Richard Pryor – when you hear a bunch of hicks with shotguns yell, “yee-haw!” it is never a good thing.
• I feel bad for the poor bastard in the TGI suit, he really had to high tail it through this forest.
• Oh my God! It shot him! It shot Kenny! You Bastard! That’s the first time I’ve used that joke in over twenty years.
  
• Oh, so the glowing ball is actually a charger for TGI’s laser gun. Who knew? I can only hope it holds a charge longer than any fucking Apple product.
• Saying it’s a laser gun is kinda stretching it though, in reality he’s just shooting roman candles at these rednecks.
• Three bar flies and some old rope taken from the trunk of a ’79 Mercury Cougar XR-7, can overpower an alien?
• The shitty garage of a rundown duplex – exactly where you want to store the unconscious body of an alien being. Dumb bastards.
• So far, Joe has threatened the lives of every single member of his family. Think he’ll get a Whale of a Dad cake in June? I don’t.
• Rednecks bonding over figuring out alien weapon technology in their basement. Only in America.
• David and Dr. Tracy manage to infiltrate the Montague garage and untie TGI. Their escape plan is to open the door and run like the dickens, which is what they hilariously do. It’s not exactly rescuing Princess Leia from Detention Block AA-23, but for Baltimore it’s damn close.
• Carol nabs the laser gun and charger and then joins the chase. She catches up to TGI, lays both items at his feet, and disappears into the bushes. This movie is fucking amazing.
• Holy shit! Frank shoots and kills Dr. Tracy which instantly starts the sad walking away music from The Incredible Hulk, then as he’s about to kill David; TGI jumps in and shoots Frank. Again, fucking amazing.
• Carol’s boyfriend Michael is not only the go-to guy to get shit done in this town; he’s also the Zap Rowsdower of Baltimore.
• In order for the other Montague daughter to venture into the basement, she had to dress like the heroine from a Hammer vampire movie.
• I fucking hate the Montague family.
• This is actually a somewhat tense and exciting third act. Some of these other shit movies can learn a thing or two from Dohler.
• Joe tries to rape Vicki, then shoots her with the laser gun. Can he please, please die already?
• Just crack a bottle of Grand Marnier over his fucking head and take the gun!
• Hoo-boy! Another frozen solid fight scene as the Montague family attempt to keep Joe from going after our heroes.
  

  Stop looking at my ball.

• Dohler sure was lucky getting so many nice days to film outside.
• Whoa, look out Mike! That cliff you almost fell off of looked at least two feet deep.
• Jesus egg-foo-young these fight scenes are terrible.
• I did not see this ending coming. Joe kills TGI with shotgun and laser blasts, fights Michael and is about to throw him off the cliff – until Joe’s wife goes full on Vader/Anakin and smacks Joe on the head with a branch; sending him over the cliff to a rocky death below.
• The camera fades out as we look at both Joe and TGI’s dead bodies. Think about it won’t you? Thank you.

Scare Stars: Oh c’moin – if a Dohler movie scares you then you need to seek help.

Gore Galaxy: Very little in this Dohler installment. Some minor blood in the beginning, then everything is just smoke squibs.

Heavenly Bodies: Not a one from Dohler this time, quite disappointing to be honest.

Best Transmission: Two for this one: “Oh great, the biggest scientific event in the history of the world is being lassoed by rednecks!” and “Annie Montague I told you, there is no such thing as a green man!”

Best Visual: When Dr. Tracy asks David if he thinks he can get Vicki to come over to their table, David simply looks at her and says, “Hey Vicki, c’mere.” Brilliant.

Worst Visual: Any scene that involves Papa Montague. Completely foregoing his awful acting, he’s a loathsome character who you can’t wait to watch die.

Damage Report: As I said in Nightbeast, I have a huge soft spot for Don Dohler movies and think that they are the apotheosis of Saturday night beer and pizza flicks. My next four movies for Schlock 9 are going to be total dumpster fires but I will always have the memories of watching two that had no good actors, no budget, no decent effects, but a heart the size of Maryland.

Kobayashi Maru Score: