Nightbeast (1982)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Mission Log: An alien cruising our galaxy crashes on Earth and just starts killing everyone it sees.

Here are some of my observations during playback:

• Music by J.J. Abrams. I doubt this guy will ever work in the sci-fi genre ever again.
• So before he thought he was George Lucas, he thought he was John Williams.
• Christ, he did the SFX too. I bet the ending of this movie will still be better than Lost’s was.
• This alien’s starship cruises right along only to hit the only asteroid in the entire fucking galaxy.
• No fancy ejection sequence for Nightbeast, he just walks out of the ship calmly before it explodes.
• The sheriff is the same one from Alien Factor, the Dohler repertoire company never fails to disappoint.
• Same deputy too.
• I can already guarantee that we’re going to see Lisa’s tits before the film’s end.
• When Nightbeast shoots you with his laser gun, you turn into a lighting effect from Studio 54 before you die.
• Why did Uncle Dave feel like bringing his niece and nephew into this scene?
• OK, I’m calling Bravo Sierra on this scene – no man Uncle Dave’s age can take a piss that fast.
• The editing here is confusing, Nightbeast is right on top of Uncle Dave yet he ends up having to chase him to kill him.
  

  And now PBS presents Bob Ross…After Dark.

• It’s a good thing I’m a Dohler fan, or else my barbs would be far harsher.
• There is nothing worse than two “actors” who cannot kiss on screen to save their lives.
• Isn’t this guy with the shotgun the bass player from the band from Alien Factor? If not, he’s a dead ringer.
• Why did they insist on filming this girl’s reaction shots through a screen door?
• The previously mentioned niece and nephew have now witnessed 3 gruesome murders within 5 minutes, chances are they’ll need some sort of counseling.
• Nope, they’re disco-light disintegrated by Nightbeast as they hide in their car.
• One of the guys Sheriff Cinder has in his posse is the “c’moin” guy from Alien Factor.
• Christ, who knew that Nightbeast could set his laser gun to rapid-fire automatic? He’s lighting up this forest like an AT-ST on Endor.
• Bullets can’t stop him, rockets can’t stop him. We may have to use nuclear force!
• It’s a good thing the police have the infinite ammo god-code on their revolvers.
• Tubi’s ads have now switched from Honda to Fuji Water – at least it’s a product I use this time.
• Your director’s cameo ladies and germs!
• Nightbeast sure has a grudge against the American auto industry.
• Wouldn’t blowing the alien’s head off then taking its gun be a better idea than vice-versa? I question Cinder’s hostile combatant techniques at this point.
• Don Dohler’s cameo sure was quick.
  

  What really happened to Ben Gardener.

• It took the old man sniper over 5 shots to accomplish what happens in every episode of G.I. Joe – never kill your target, just shoot the weapons out of their hands.
• Weirdest jump cut ever. A man crying for the loss of his dead son to the Sheriff and the Mayor watching a woman swim in a pool.
• The mayor’s sandals are giving me a stomach ache.
• Hmm, a police officer wanting to evacuate a town while the mayor is hesitant to do so. Amity as you know means rip-off.
• Don Leifert’s role as Drago should be awarded a posthumous Oscar, and no I am not kidding.
• They just discovered the body of Ben Cooper and oddly enough he was wearing a plastic Halloween costume.
• This autopsy scene is clearly filmed in Dohler’s living room.
• There is no way the actress playing Suzie was not in porn at one point.
• Again with the “c’moin.” Fucking Baltimore, or should I say Baldmore.
• Suzie done got very nakeit.
• She then unfortunately gets beat up and strangled right in front of a copy of Styx’s seminal album, “Paradise Theater.” That is just plain wrong.
• Again with the fucking Honda Tubi ads.
• OK! Now we’re talking! Bring on the sexy Baltimore pool party!
• I stand corrected, this pool party has the sex appeal of an orphanage fire.
• What kind of asshole Governor orders a vodka and water mild?
• Jaime announces that poison gas has leaked out from a local mine, and that the whole town is in danger and needs to be evacuated. Shit, we went from Jaws to Close Encounters of the Third Kind in a matter of seconds.
• That party emptied out as fast as if someone threw a Baby Ruth into the pool.
• The music in this scene is the same one used throughout The Incredible Melting Man. The bots on MST3K referred to it as the Ted Nelson theme. Just watch the video and you’ll see. 

• Nightbeast is going through Baltimore rednecks like Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan through Battle Droids.
• Jaime clearly did not perform his own motorcycle stunts, and by stunts I mean simply riding the fucking thing.
• Yes, this is obviously the basement of a medical center and not downstairs in Don Dohler’s house.
• The same Stephen and Aunt Ruth from Alien Factor don’t seem to be as scared as they should be when trapped in a basement being hunted by an alien.
• Why is this scene shot in slo-mo?
• Is Nightbeast wearing Wellingtons?
• Jaime Knievel finally shows up, but too late.
• I think there’s going to be a massive Jaime vs. Drago fight in the near future.
• Christ the editing of this movie is bad.
• And here is the Jaime vs. Drago fight in all of its Technicolor glory!
• I haven’t seen fight choreography this stiff since Gymkata.
• Jaime beats Drago’s ass and leaves him in the woods, yet Drago is disemboweled in the middle of a street? What did I miss?
• Wow, that stunt of Sheriff Cinder falling down a mild incline was truly perilous.
• The sex scene between Cinder and Lisa is about as hot as walking in on your grandparents fucking. Or just as, depending on whoever reads these reviews. Don’t worry, I won’t judge.
• The Mayor actually has a framed photo of himself as Count Gore de Vol in his living room. Google it, I’m too tired to explain this arcane joke.
• Mary Jane and Mayor Bert are dispatched, and Bert has one of the funniest decapitation scenes ever done. Believe me, I’ve seen a few.
• Again with the bad editing.
  

  “Come and knock on our door…”

• Jaime kinda looks like Steve Borden. B.K.A Sting from WWE.
• Wait, what? Drago is still alive? Then who was that in the street?
• Drago attacks Lisa and Leifert so wanted to say “cunt” but didn’t.
• Now its Drago vs. Sheriff Cinder, but do-gooder Jaime shoots him before I could finally get a Dolph Lundgren joke in. Thanks a ton Jaime, you shit.
• Jaime and Cinder are now wiring the entire fucking forest to electrocute Nightbeast.
• Much to Ruth’s poorly acted dismay, Nightbeast kills Stephen.
• It’s a good thing that Dohler had such a big back yard, or else this movie would not have had half of the exterior shots that it needed.
• Jaime sacrifices himself into an amphibian-eyed crispy critter on the live wire in order to kill Nightbeast once and for all.
• Sheriff Cinder puts his arm around Lisa, stares at the wires, and the camera pans up into the night sky. And that as they say, is that.

Scare Stars: You are too busy laughing and yelling at the screen to be afraid of anything.

Gore Galaxy: Fair amount of blood, some guts, an arm ripped off, and a decapitation. Dohler never really disappointed in this department.

Heavenly Bodies: Thanks to Deputy Lisa and Suzie.

Best Transmission: “I’m not gonna budge, I want these people outta here now!” In other words: Larry, summer’s over, you’re the mayor of shark city! These people think you want the beaches open!

Best Visual: Don Leifert was tragically underused in this movie, so whenever his character of Drago shows up is a treat.

Worst Visual: I would have to go with Sheriff Cinder and Lisa’s sex scene. Lisa was pretty hot, but seeing Cinder au natural forces you to cry to yourself silently while counting his liver spots. 

Damage Report: I have a huge soft spot for Don Dohler and his movies, they never take themselves seriously and they try as hard as they can within the budget they’re given. The guy was a great amateur filmmaker, and I think he should be as admired as my favorite Baltimorian John Waters. I’d love to see a midnight movie double feature of this alongside Pink Flamingos. Anyhoo, have some fun with his movies for chrissakes, and remember – don’t call the mayor Bertie!

Kobayashi Maru Score: