Alien Terminator (1995)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Mission Log: Scientists and softcore pornstars fight for survival in an underground scientific research lab when a rogue scientist creates a new violent organism!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Is this M*A*S*H? I see a helicopter and there’s a Radar O’Reilly-like voice over.
• Calibre films? Riiiight. I’m sure the irony is lost on everyone making this flick.
• Maria Ford? The porn model? Oh yase.
• And Cassandra Leigh?! This could be worth my time after all.
• And here we have your typical test tubes and beakers with colored foamy substances. Like in every typical lab.
• Did that scientist just make cocaine in a test tube or is he just snorting a random powder? I sure hope it’s the latter.
• This scientist, that looks like a male pornstar just stated that he has broke the genetic code to creating life. Doesn’t that happen every day? I created life (twice!) and I didn’t have to break any codes. 
• Why is the food psychedelic colored!? They are on Earth, albeit 5 miles deep in the ground. Sowhy is the food all weird and shit?
• You couldn’t find a better group of actors that look less like scientific people.
• But it’s Cassandra Leigh AKA Lisa Boyle and Maria Ford so I really don’t care.
• These VR graphics are top-fucking-notch! Take the Lawnmower Man’s CGI and take out a few 1000 bytes and this is what you get.

• 3 of the 4 male scientists look like utter douche-nozzles. They all look like they should be bouncers at dive-bars.
• That’s two jokes between the scientists about the mullet guy’s bad cooking. OK we get it. He can’t cook for shit.
• That’s algae?! It sure as shit didn’t look like algae. And furthermore, they are in a research facility 3 miles underground, how is there algae unless they are creating it themselves. And if that’s the case, why? And don’t you need water to harvest algae?
• Why is this mullet job douche that looks like Billy Ray Cyrus picking a fight with Maria Ford. He keeps ragging on her and saying she smells. Are the filmmakers trying to build up some sexual tension between them because they are totally failing.
• So the scientist from the beginning injected his ‘stuff’ into a lab mouse and it killed another mouse. Now that killer mouse mutated into a monster. And he’s comically banging his head asking “what happened” over and over again. What in Crom’s name did I get myself into?
• Lot of mullets in this show. This was filmed in 1995.
• Lisa Boyle bewbs. Most excellent. Let’s se how much further this sex scene goes.
• Of course it’s interrupted by a cut-away from the fat physician of the scientists (named Coach for some reason) playing guitar. 

• Oh wait we’re back to the arts.
• Lisa Boyle is pouring hot wax on the idiots bare chest. Is anyone really into that?
• And cum to think of it, she did the hot wax thing in the Skin-E-Max classic: I Like to Play Games!
• Another cut away to Coach getting bit by the pet cat, Jinx, and dying violently.
• And we’re back again….WAIT! They’re done already! Oh for fuckssake.
• He asked her to marry him. That ol’ smoothie. Asked the coworker he just banged to be his wife. Ugh.
• Wait a minute…I know I’m overthinking this but we’re they a couple before this science experiment underground? Like he planned to propose to her while in this underground research lab? Or does he always carry an engagement ring with him just in case?
• Every room in this underground facility looks like a college dorm room.
• These softcore Skin-E-Max thespians are really acting their hearts out.
• Coach is not dead after all. So that’s nice.
• Always a welcome sight to see Lisa Boyle showering. Shame it’s only for a few seconds.

• Hahaha. Why the computer would need to say outlaid what she’s typing is hilarious enough but it sounds like an old Speak & Spell from 1982.

• Hahaha. The overall wearing idiot just discovered and accused the main scientist of making Crystal Meth. 

• This better be a sex scene now.
• The Walter White scientist, who I just found out is named Newton (I thought that Newton was an insult when the Overall guy kept calling him that in anger—like calling someone Einstein or Poindexter ironically), is recording his logs and stating now that he should destroy his creation. We have no evidence on film here that anyone has even seen this monster. The monster could be dead from inhaling fumes in the boiler room for all they know.
• Here’s the Alien breakfast scene rip-off. Coach feels like a million bucks now and can’t wait to eat. And as the camera awkwardly spins around the dinner table (someone watched Goodfellas before filming this), Coach foams at the mouth and a creature pops out of his body. It was done way better in Spaceballs.

• So why is this movie called Alien Terminator anyway? It’s not an alien since it was genetically created in a lab on Earth and it’s more of a predator than a terminator. I also have Alien Predator on my list this year so maybe they didn’t want to steal the name. But they’re OK stealing the iconic breakfast scene from Alien so I give up.
• That’s right…DO IT FOR COACH!!!
• Nothing of note is happening. There’s an extended tensionless montage of the group searching for the creature.
• This movie is so fucking dull it makes me want to watch Alien: Resurrection again.
• Wait a minute, Billy Ray not only has a mullet but he ties it half-up in a ponytail? Is that legal?
• Welp, Newton’s done for. In case anyone cared.
• This movie is so fucking dull it makes me want to watch Alien: Covenant again.
• I’m at the edge of my seat. But only to allow my ass cheeks some room to release a huge fart.
• Ummm, Ladies? The dudes told you to hustle!
• This movie is so fucking dull it makes me want to watch Prometheus again.
• There’s a subplot that I don’t give a hot shit about regarding Newton creating this new organism for the corporation that is funding the research facility for riches beyond compare. How this will make the corporation rich is anyone’s guess.
• OMIGAWD you got engaged?! That’s wonderful. This is beyond stupid.
• They are discussing marriage and kids while trying to escape while a killer mutant is after them. These last 20 minutes are going to be murder on my senses.
• “It doesn’t like bullets” Great fucking line. Also it seems that the filmmakers don’t like bullets either since they couldn’t even bother with blanks.
• Will these two fuck already. It’s annoying.

• We’re never going to see this monster are we? Seriously, all we’ve seen is a clawed hand.
• This movie saw how the tension built by Spielberg holding back on showing the actual shark in Jaws and said, I can do better. It’s important to have goals.
• Lisa Boyle stupidly waits right in front of the slowly closing door after Maria Ford runs past after trying to trap the monster. It was hilarious.
• Aw man: According to interview with Lisa Boyle for Playboy magazine, her character was originally supposed to be dragged away, have her clothes ripped off and get raped and killed by mutant creature in the film, similar to how some of the monsters from other Roger Corman produced film Humanoids From The Deep (1980) would attack and rape women in that film. Reason for that was mostly because producers thought that Boyle’s nude and sex scenes in the film didn’t include enough nudity for the film. She refused to film the scene and because of her arguments with producers she demand to be listed in the opening credits under her alias name Cassandra Leigh. Because of that producers edited her shower scene from Midnight Tease (1994) into the film so that it has more nudity scenes with her.
• I should’ve watched Midnight Tease. There’s probably more suspense in that flick.
• This dude is taking the supposed death of his fiancé rather well.
• Careful Billy Ray, don’t destroy the elevator set piece!
• Dude finds Lisa Boyle still clinging to life and he holds her and sings, I shit you not, “Rock-a-bye Baby.”
• The filmmakers decide to throw us some scraps of what the creature looks like in a blink-and-you-miss-it edits. 

• Did Billy Ray just call the creature a “stupid piece of crap?” Well in all fairness it’s no Rick Baker or Stan Winston creation.
• How Maria Ford and Billy Ray survived the explosion of the underground facility is a good question.
• Billy Ray tells the news interviewer that the creature took a bite out of his arm. But isn’t that how this whole thing started? It was injected into the mouse that ate another mouse that somehow bit the cat, that bit Coach and became a huge humanoid monster. 
• I think they forgot to tease a sequel.
• Anyway that’s a wrap on that crap.

Phobia Level: This was way too dumb, way too boring and way too inept of a thriller to make anyone shake in their boots.

Sick Bay: It would be unwise to say that this “Alien” “Terminator” did anything well, much less give us gratuitous gore shots.

Heavenly Bodies: Sadly, not as much as there should’ve been considering not one, but two, Skin-E-Max starlets was in this. Major let-down.

Best Transmission: The less I remember those assholes said the better.

Most Successful Experiment: There is not once scene worth mentioning. So of course I’m going to say the shower scene.

Experiment Gone Awry: I mean, this flick had the utter gall to rip-off one of the most memorable movie scenes of all time. That’s fairly unforgivable.

Damage Report: OK, so starting Schlock 9 From Outer Space with a real doosey folks. I was bored since the movie began and once the dialogue and piss-poor writing started with the craptastic special effects, there was absolutely nothing to even look forward to. The lacked in the thrills, the chills and the spills! They even flubbed the proper amount of female nudity. And barely ever showing the monster is just the perfect cherry on top of this shit sundae. The generic rip-off title is exactly what you would expect and I’m still amused that I will also be reviewing Alien Predators as well. So look for that one shortly. Or don’t. I don’t fucking care.

Kobayashi Maru Score: