Critters 4 (1991)

Trailer (Which is in German and more entertaining than the actual film):

*Spoilers Throughout*

Mission Log: Those lovable yet deadly space aliens, The Crites, are back again and doing exactly what they did in the first three Critters films. However, this one is actually set on a spaceship! Yes, after 5 flicks I’m finally seeing something set in actual space. So basically this film is ripping off Alien like 87% of all these films this month are.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Aw man, they’re replaying the end credits scene from Critters 3.
• Angela Basset?! Strange movie to start a career.
• There’s an actor by the name of Eric DaRe.
• And Brad Dourif as Al Bert. Two words. ‘Al’ and ‘Bert’. Just kill me now.
• Thankfully I can just skip ahead since I already saw this shit.
• Why the fuck do Bounty Hunters care about the preservation of the last 2 Crite eggs? Charlie wants to make them extinct but Ug tells him not to destroy them because they are the last remaining eggs.
• Hahaha, I always love it when the main titles explode for no Crom-damned reason.
• I can’t believe Barry Opper wrote and produced 4 fucking Critters movies.
• A movie that starts with a guy juggling can’t be bad right?
• I have to have better things to do right now, right? No? Shit.
• Angela Basset wasn’t a star already by 1992? Wasn’t that Tina Turner flick out around this time?
• It was bugging me so I looked up Angela Basset’s filmography and this film came out the dame year as Boyz n the Hood! Crazy!
• The special effects are top notch!

• The Legend of Zelda Triforce symbol?!
• Was that a Ted Turner logo?
• Captain Richard Buttrum? Dick Butt-rum?! That’s the dude’s name?!
• Why is Ug now a high-level diplomat? He went from bounty hunter to counselor in 2 movies.
• Wait a minute, Terrance Mann who plays Ug also is credited with also playing Counselor Tetra. Which is even more confusing since Ug looks like Johnny Steele from the first film. So how is the same face playing two characters?
• Man, Angela Bassett is really taking this role way too seriously.
• Central logic is 50%. That seems too high actually for this flick.
• I don’t think these actors knew this was a Critters movie. They are all taking this film too seriously.
• Is that really Angela Basset’s naked silhouette? Well OK then.
• Captain Buttrum tells Ethan to check out Bassett’s naked silhouette while she showers and when he looks he then tells him to leave because it’s “for big boys.” Then why did you tell him to check it out then dick?

• Whoa, was that really her ass? Kudos movie. Kudos.
• Captain thinks he can just waltz in on Angela’s shower and gets a nice knuckle sandwich to the kisser. Pervert.
• Why is the whole crew just hanging around the shower area?
• That joke really wasn’t that funny.
• All the computer effects looks just like a 8-bit NES game.
• How did that reverse psychology method work on the computer? Dourif told the computer to not allow him security clearance and the computer then gave him the clearance. That makes absolutely zero fucking sense. It’s also incredibly stupid and lazy!
• Man, Dourif is really hamming up his performance. He’s such a professional, whether it’s great roles like Exorcist 3 (which came out a year earlier!) or this role, he always takes them seriously. I mean, the guy loved playing the voice of Chucky so much.
• This movie just destroyed the record of longest time before a Critter appear. We’re currently at 33 minutes!
• This actor that plays captain Buttrum reminds me of that actor that played Lord Denethor in Lord of the Rings.
• Charlie recovered really quickly from being cryogenically frozen for a few decades.
• The captain sure looks nonplussed about Charlie being in that pod that they retrieved.
• If Charlie was cryogenically frozen all those years drifting in space, then that means the Crite eggs were also frozen. So how have they hatched now?
• I still cannot believe that New Line filmed both Critters 3 and 4 simultaneously. They really had a lot of faith in this franchise didn’t they?
• Charlie is one shitty bounty hunter. He just gawks and stares at Buttrum getting killed by two baby Crites. He doesn’t even start to arm his weapon until they kill him and run off.
• This kid, Ethan, who just told Charlie that he’s never been to Earth, knows what a piranha is. Sure.
• C’mon! Speed things up movie! This shit is dragging slower than a sloth’s ballsack.
• Why isn’t Ethan bringing Charlie to the rest of the crew? Or going to get the crew about the critter situation? I mean, at the very least he could them them that Captain Buttrum is dead.
• Our heroes stuck in a trash compactor on a space craft? Never seen that kind of scenario before.
• Again with the reverse psychology on the computer crap.
• I just realized that Bernie, played by Eric DaRe was Leo in Twin Peaks!

• Why is this “lounge,” or whatever the crew is hanging out in, covered in mini-golf grass?
• Why is Leo stealing all these pills? Does he also have a massive headache like me? Or is he still in cahoots with the Renault brothers?
• Now the flick is ripping off Alien with the computer screen radar-tracking scene.
• Ethan says that the blood soaked Critter footsteps are “still wet” as they raced to Bernie to try to save him from the Critter attack that they knew that was just happening moments ago. SMH.
• I’m quite shocked Brad Dourif survived this long. You would figure an actor of his pay-grade would only be in this kind of flick minimally.
• How are there more Crite eggs on this ship? How have these young Crites that just hatched like an hour or so ago mature enough to mate?!
• So now the Crites are setting a course back to Earth. Why exactly? These are brand new Crites and they have zero idea what Earth is or why there should go there. They can go to literally any other planet!
• Brad Dourif gives Charlie his vintage 20th century handgun to shoot the Crites. He even had the ammo for it. OK, whatever. I’m sure if we dug deeper in Dourif’s room we’d find a confederate flag or something along those lines.
• Dourif is getting annoyed and pissed that Charlie is shooting his gun in the ship. As if this was another alternative.
• It was kinda odd that Ethan yelled at Dourif “You’re not my father!” when Dourif told him not to go hunt for the last Crite on the ship. Weirder still is Dourif backed down at that when he probably way outranks Ethan in this scenario.
• These movies just take for granted the whole life stages of a Crite. There are eggs everywhere on this ship now. How are these Crites even finding time to fuck?!
• I forgot to mention that earlier the crew watched a video log of the ship’s science officer explain that they have in the past conducted experiments on animals that make them bigger and more aggressive. Now the Crites are getting in this machine to make super-Crites. Pay attention because this will be on the test.
• This franchise totally forgot all about how Ug became Johnny Steele in the first movie. This whole new character played by Terrence Mann makes zero sense in the context of this series.
• Is it just me or does Terrence Mann look like Bowser from Sha-Na-Na?

• Unless that is Ug and changed his name or something. But he’s still not explaining a thing to Charlie to ease his confusion.
• And for no reason Ug shoots and kills Dourif.
• This whole scene stinks of Alien 3 when Bishop returns at the finale. But at least that series explained that that Bishop was the original Bishop in charge of Weyland-Yutani Corp.
• Charlie just said that Ug got a promotion and Ug replied “Things change.” That still doesn’t explain anything!!!
• I love how this is the year 2045 on a sophisticated spacecraft and Ethan is wearing a simple red T-shirt. I think he’s wearing Bugle Boy pants as well.
• Now Ethan is evading Ug’s stormtroopers. This movie has like 18% to do with the actual Critters!!
• We see the POV of the stormtroopers when they encounter the Crites and there’s a random number like 987m scrolling very fast up or down as we cut from different POVs. I have zero idea what those numbers mean. It can’t be meters since they are in a small room with the Crites.
• The juggling gimmick is back! It had a purpose after all. Not a good one though.
• Man, Angela Bassett had nothing to do since her shower scene 45 minutes ago! I barely remembered she was in this.
• The last Critter attacks Ethan and Ethan reacts fast enough with a freeze-gun (I guess used for Cryo-freezing) and freezes the Critter solid. Then he kicks it and it shatters. I’d say this movie ripped off T2 but this was filmed at the same time as T2.
• I guess that he is Ug since Charlie keeps referring him as such. Anyway, Ug threatens Ethan, Charlie raises a gun to Ug and yada, yada, yada Charlie shoots Ug dead in a very anti-climatic way.
• Besides the reverse psychology aspect to fooling the main computer system, ANGELA, there has been numerous examples of the crew hating and disrespecting her. It was like a bad running gag of sorts. The only reason I’m brining it up now is that I finally paid enough attention to it.
• Will there be a Critters 5?! I guess if Don Opper really needs the dough.

Phobia Level: Our usual running joke is that the real scary part of a film is made. But seldom do we jest that it had multiple sequels. 

Sick Bay: Some blood but nothing to bat an eye at.

Heavenly Bodies: Angela Basset’s tush. Angela BASSet!

Best Transmission: Exchange between Charlie and Ethan:

Charlie: You ever see a piranha?
Ethan: It’s a fish, right?
Charlie: That’s right. They look nothing like a piranha. But they’re hungry like a piranha.

I’m only bringing this quote up because A) this movie is devoid of any clever writing and B) if only they made a Critters movie where they actually did swarm and eat like piranha then this would be great.

Most Successful Experiment: This movie is as bland as matzo mixed with water so there’s nothing of note.

Experiment Gone Awry: There’s also nothing terrible about the movie either other than it exists.

Damage Report: Welp, that was the Critters franchise. I didn’t miss a thing and what I did see didn’t impress me as much as when I was 8. Shame too because in more capable hands this concept could be really excellent. This 4th one was a tad better than the 3rd but still failed to really be entertaining. Unless if you’re a big Brad Dourif fan I wouldn’t bother. This film (and the 3rd too) eschewed the camp and tongue-in-cheekiness that made the first 2 fun and it really does damper the fun of them. I noticed today that there is a 5th Critters film AND a TV series both out this year! I’m sure both are great and well worth watching. 

Kobayashi Maru Score: