Mission Log: Alien invasion/impregnation? I really can’t say, this movie was fucking weird.
Here are some of my observations during playback:
- OK, no bullshit – right into the opening graphic of the movie.
- Screenplay co-written by Robert Smith? From The Cure? No? Alright then, never mind.
- Holy shit this a British movie.
- English kids really do dress like Angus Young.
- Why did the dog’s fetching stick explode?
- Three minutes in and Sam the Dad is sucked up into an alien ship. British B-Grade horror says that exposition can fuck right off.
- The son (Tony) apparently just dreamt that the abduction happened and his Mum says that he merely left the family.
- Maryam d’Abo was quite the hottie.
- So the first three minutes of the movie happened three years ago – what exactly is the exchange rate with England as far as time goes?
- Blimey, this shot of the countryside looks almost exactly like the one from Invaders From Mars.
- Something must have crashed since the entire fucking forest is on fire.
- For a second there, I thought Evil Ash was gonna pop up out of all of that mud.
- That thing on the side of the road was fucking eerie.
- The guy that drove past the creature looks like the British John Turturro.
- There’s alien blood on the side of the car, but it didn’t look like he hit it at all.
- The monster stings the guy in his right eye, but when he falls down he has wounds on both of his cheeks. OK.
- I really wanted this guy to act like Michael Carter in An American Werewolf In London – “Hello? I can assure you this is not funny.”
- The monster grabs the girlfriend by the wrist and she somehow manages to get her ankle stuck in the steering wheel. Nimble little minx idn’t she?
- Tony awakens from another bad dream and commits Coitus Interruptus on his Mum and her boyfriend. Bloody Hell.
- Crickey, this monster sure is moist.
- Well, the dog belonging to this girl in the cabin is so dead.
- Just so happens that the dog’s name is Divine. I’m surprised she’s not licking all of the furniture in the house. There’s an arcane joke for ya.
- I thought that the monster’s appendage was headed somewhere else on this cute blonde lady.
- Is Tony ever going to contribute to the plot or is he just going to keep having nightmares?
- We’re back to the blonde cutie in the isolated house – and her abdomen has grown to the size of a compact car right in front of our eyes. She then gives an obviously painful birth to a full-grown Sam (the Dad from the opening.) Holy shit.
- And if that wasn’t weird enough for you, he bites his umbilical cord right the fuck in half.
- I don’t think I’ve said this yet in the nine years of Schlocktoberfest, but this movie is just fucking bizarre.
- Newly reborn Sam is driving around in the couple’s car with the dead girl in the passenger seat – and no one seems to care.
- British kids playing with G.I. Joes just seems wrong for some reason.
- I can’t figure out if I like Rachael (Tony’s Mum) or not.
- The past six or seven minutes of Sam trying to reintegrate into his former life is quite the major yawn.
- Sam is now eating raw snake eggs – which I suppose makes up for the last few minutes of boredom in some circles.
- I don’t think anyone has explained exactly what an “Xtro” is yet.
- Tony’s pet snake is constantly filmed with scary angles trying to make it look dangerous – it’s a garter snake, completely harmless.
- Sam sucks or blows on Tony’s shoulder either draining or infecting him. Jesus fuck what is going on here?
- Harry the snake manages to slither his way into the annoying old neighbor’s salad, only to be mashed to a pulp when she discovers him.
- As if eating Harry’s eggs raw (and how can a Harry lay eggs?), Sam is now sucking down the fumes from the apartment’s gas main.
- Now there is a midget in clown makeup appearing in Tony’s bedroom playing with his toys. This is starting to look like an early music video for Level 42. Sorry, little person.
- Oh for fuck’s sake, Tony wills his G.I. Joe doll to come alive, grow to human-size, and kill his pet snake murdering neighbor. I am tripping bear balls at this point.
- Joe the asshole boyfriend, left Rachael a note that is actually addressed as “The Note.” What an utter douche.
- Analise the au pair, is young, hot and French. She’s gonna fuck every chance she gets, so let’s just go with it shall we?
- Speaking of, to shut down sex completely in order to play a quick game of hide-and-seek with your young charge, is a discipline only French au pairs can muster.
- Now the midg- sorry, the little person is back and he kills Analise so Tony can suck out of or blow in blue snakes into her abdomen. I really think I need counseling – reality is starting to fade…
- Analise’s boyfriend is chased by Tony’s toy tank and just when you think it’s going to shoot him, he gets killed by a fucking black panther.
- Analise is now in a cocoon suspended above the bathtub and the little clown person is delivering black eggs out of her. He then places them in green mush inside of the apartment’s overturned refrigerator. Help me.
- Tony’s lighted spinning top kills the landlord by cutting his throat. This bad trip really needs to end soon.
- The sex scenes in this movie really show up at the worst times.
- After all of the tension building up between them, Sam kills Joe by alien screaming at him until his ears explode – like he’s fucking Banshee from the X-men.
- Sam and Tony have definitely looked better, Jesus – alien infection does take its toll.
- After watching Sam and Tony transform into alien monsters and warp out of the forest – Rachael goes home to her now all white apartment (where the fucking black panther still resides) and gets mouth raped by one of the alien eggs. The End.
I have taken my protein pills and put my helmet on.
This is Major Tom to Ground Control…
Scare Stars: Not so much scary as the equivalent to drinking a six-pack, six shots of tequila, eating 10 mushrooms with an LSD chaser – and then sitting in a dark room watching “Pink Floyd The Wall” on a 24-hour loop. However, that fucking shot of the alien on the side of the road that was an internet hoax a few years back, is still creepy as all get out. I really don’t feel like explaining it, so here’s a link: http://theresashauntedhistoryofthetri-state.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-new-mexico-skin-walker-hoax.html
Gore Galaxy: Some blood, minor disembowelment, a mashed snake, throat slashing, and some weird-ass alien biology.
Heavenly Bodies: Analise has a couple of naked sex scenes, which have brought her closer to the semi-finals of Ms. Schlocktoberfest 9.
Best Transmission: “OK Paula, could you stop eating? We don’t want to see the crumbs on your toenails.” Spoken by Joe, who is apparently a photographer. The word bizarre comes to mind yet again since the model was wearing heels, and the crumbs were nowhere to be seen.
Best Visual: When the guy in the van rear-ends the couple’s car from the forest, and the girl’s dead body slams into the dashboard. Fuck you – it was hilarious.
Worst Visual: When Sam displays his everlasting fatherly love by either sucking or blowing into Tony’s shoulder.
Damage Report: If you manage to get through this movie with some amount of your sanity left, have a strong drink and hold a loved one very close.
Kobayashi Maru Score: