Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City (1991)

Here’s the full dumb movie (it’s free and you’ll still demand a refund): 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Tribe of Bimbos run afoul of robots and moron evil-doers in Kansas City Chicago Armeggedon City.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• I’m going into this with an open mind and an open heart. But a closed zipper fly.
• Titles before the flick starts: Stay tuned following our feature presentation for an exclusive bonus video: The B’s Nest Video Magazine. I can’t fucking wait!
• Next titles: In the future…..A group of female warriors fought a huge battle in Armageddon City……
• Ironic they’re playing Holst’s Mars: The Bringer of War for a flick about female warriors.
• FUCK! This movie is one of those cheap made on video/camcorder straight to the bargain bin kind of flicks. These are never ever good.
• Filmed in the woods behind the director’s house.
• Costumes provided by Goodwill.
• Yeah spin the camcorder 360 degrees while some bimbo walks with a spear in the woods. Absolute Cinema!
• Did they even have Ugg boots in 1991?
• Already I’m confused and we’re not even 2 minutes in. The bimbo that was walking in the woods got attacked by something that we really didn’t see, maybe a mutant/monster/hillbilly. The very next scene is another bimbo helping the same bimbo in the middle of an open field near death. At least I think it’s the same attacked bimbo. I’m left to assume that after the attack she used up any strength she still had to crawl out to this field.
• I don’t think I’ve regretted a Schlocktoberfest flick faster than this. I’m still not 2 minutes in and I want to die.
• I think this is the main villain because some minion in a World War I helmet is telling him that there’s some bad news. I think the minion in the acid-washed skinny jeans called him Mr. Thanos. Anyway Mr. Thanos (there’s no Thanos in the cast list for imdb by the way) is playing with a model of the solar system on a desk that’s clearly in the high school library.
• Obviously this is a very home-made flick and thus they didn’t do squat in terms of sound design, so hearing these “actors” is going to be a task and a half. However, it would be easier if the Holst suite was lower or off completely.
• The minion tells Mr. Thanos that some experiments escaped and are loose in the city. Thanos tells him to calm down.
• Cut to, random scientist in a “lab” observing some “blood” sample and tells someone that “She’s been bitten by an Italian.” At least that’s what it sounded like. Ohh Gabagool!

• Anyway, the only cure is back in the scientist’s other lab in Armageddon City! Take me down to Armageddon City, where the director is green and Bimbos ain’t that pretty.
• Everything that makes up the fiber of my being, my guts, my female intuition, a priest, the I Ching, tarot cards, a oui-ja board, tea leaves, ChatGPT, Johnny the shoe-shiner, and a magic eight-ball is telling me to quit this movie now and pick another one.
• Random B-roll of a random city (Armageddon City I suppose but really it’s Kansas City, MI) with random classical stock music as the Bimbos made it to the city. Which again, thanks for not wasting our time with a Lord of the Rings style quest on foot.
• I picked this flick really for the dumb campy title thinking it could be fun to watch. As you can see I don’t always make the wisest of decisions.
• The Bimbos are walking on a street in Armageddon City minding their own business when two dudes who look like they’re going to a RenFaire are attacked by the Bimbos! But one dude takes one of the Bimbos as a hostage to make them release the other dude.
• But then they take all the Bimbos prisoner and somehow another dude is there.

• I thought one of the dudes was Mr. Thanos and I think I’m right (I’m laughing because it’s only been 2 minutes since I last saw Mr. Thanos! Shows how little I fucking care)
• I seriously could not understand what Mr. Thanos just said. And this “movie” is so underground—like Lower Mantle low—that there’s no subtitles that I can find.
• Again, I should just stop caring. In fact, I’m not going to take the same detailed notes I usually do. I learned my lesson after Things. And Satan War. As well as Heavy Metal Massacre. And there was also The Long Island Cannibal Massacre. I probably should also include Friday the 13th: My Special Boy. Bigfoot vs. Zombies too.
• I’m still less than five minutes in.
• They are rescued by a black dude named John Apollo. There’s one guy dressed in a lab coat. And there was another guy already in the room that I thought was against the Bimbos but he was also a prisoner.
• Maybe I should just watch this on mute. Might make more sense.
• How long were they prisoners anyway, like 10 minutes?
• Genuine laugh from me as one guard notices the room empty and he gives his best “The Bimbos escaped, Dammit!” and he sounds like Napoleon Dynamite. Perhaps it was the way he said dammit.
• OK, there’s some hope for this flick (Crom help me!) as the dudes corner the Bimbos in another room and one guy drops a prop knife (prompting someone to break character as they laugh) and another dude drops his weapon so he can take off his jacket! Everyone is having a great time so I should have a good time too!
• This fight is gloriously terrible! No weapons or punches make any noise, punches and kicks obviously don’t hit the targets but they act like they do, laughing and tumbling for no reason. It reminds me when me and my friends used to wrestle a Royal Rumble in the basement.
• The frame was sideways for a few seconds! Like, the screen was turned 90º!

• Is Holst’s Mars gonna play throughout the whole 70 minutes?
• A sequel joke? This early?
• New titles: Now a new evil has arrived…..The adventure begins again…..
• I have questions but they can wait. Not like I’m going to get any sane and rational answers anyway.
• This B-roll feels like I’m watching commercials on a cable-access station.
• The new “score” is so bad I’m hoping Mars the Bringer of War returns. And performed by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.
• Some chick that is cosplaying as Evil Lynn is searching…for something.
• And find something she did! She bumps into (not sure how she didn’t see this) an 8 foot tall “robot” made out of the crudest pieces of garbage pieced together. Kinda reminds me of Conkey from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.

• Then some dude comes up and in his best Sgt. Slaughter impersonation asks her if she’s part of the “female warrior tribe.” 
• This flick just censored the girl when she said fuck. Shit, did I get the PG version of this movie?
• He yells “silence!” in-between the questions he is yelling at her and not allowing her to answer.
• I think he ordered the robot to kill her and that’s that.
• Mother of god. The titles are just starting now. After 10 minutes of trash.
• “A Trustinus Productions film” Yeah, OK, sure.
• The graphics for the title’s logo is giving me SEGA Genesis flashbacks.
• There’s even a heavy metal theme song. “Looking good and looking mean. Toughest women that you’ll ever see.” At some point he sings that you “Can’t keep a good bimbo down.”
• They have to know what bimbo means right? Like they don’t think it’s a terms of endearment do they?
• Deric Bernier? Deric?
• I don’t care how slow and long these credits go on for. It’s less for me to comment on.
• “Prehistoric Bimbos in old Chicago town.” Chicago? I thought it was Armageddon City? Actually Kansas City but does it even matter?

• Written by: Roger Williams. The founder of Rhode Island?
• Prehistoric Bimbos in Old Pawtucket City.
• Directed by: Todd Sheets the director of such classics as Bimbos B.C., Bimbos in Time, Clownado, and Sorority Babes in the Dance-A-Thon of Death. Truly a visionary.
• Stately Wayne Manor.
• I’m increasingly getting frustrated by the sound quality, especially for the dialogue. It’s like trying to hear someone talk from the opposite side of the school gymnasium.
• Now I know why I can’t find subtitles because no one can figure out what anyone is saying to transcribe it.
• It seems like the scientist lady from earlier is using surgical tools on what looks like a rack of short ribs.
• Nice video tracking glitch. It happens to the best filmmakers, there’s a video tracking glitch in Goodfellas, Scorsese left it in to give it a more natural feel to the presentation.
• Brianna’s understudy? Is Gabriella talking about acting or warrior training? Or BOTH?!
• Johann Sebastian Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor” playing over Armageddon City’s skyline image. Guess it’s supposed to be ominous.
• Too bad Sebastian Bach’s Skid Row didn’t contribute any music. Oh well, now I’m thinking about Def Leppard.
• Hey, but are you gettin’ it? (Armageddon it) Ooh, really gettin’ it? (Yes, Armaggedon it)
• But now we’re in some cave and oh my lord that is some cheap looking robot rolling around.
• I guess Chicago turned into Armageddon City at some point in the future.
• Am I going to have to listen to dorks using the Robot voices for the rest of the movie? Fuck.
• Shoe-string budget? They should’ve taken the shoe string and garroted themselves with it instead.
• I think this film used real bona-fide bimbos.
• A film about bimbos, for bimbos, and made by bimbos.

• I’m a tad handicapped for this review since I really can’t mock the dialogue since I can’t fucking understand most of what they’re saying.
• So how exactly are they “prehistoric?” This is all set in the future (I think) and no one was teleported or used a time machine or dropped acid and astral-planed themselves to the land before time. I can’t even say that they are dressed like cavewomen because they are all wearing cut-off jean shorts. I guess I’ll have to assume the prehistory is regarding their IQ/mental state.
• In this scene the bimbos attack what look like giant bugs doing gardening outside. They called them Insectoids. They had giant masks that resembled the The Fly from 1958.

• I forgot to mention that there is also a male bimbo. This is a very woke movie.
• The flick keeps showing the same “Chicago” skyline shot almost every scene change it seems.
• Mr. Thanos is back and joining forces with Sgt. Slaughter guy. And it’s not Mr. Thanos but Salacious Thatch. That’s not at all AT ALL what that minion said in the beginning of the flick.
• These villains are at least trying to have fun. I’m just trying to not stick my head in the oven.
• I genuinely wouldn’t categorize these girls as bimbos really. At least not yet. A tad ditzy at times but overall I’d say they seem intelligent. For girls.
• Yes! It’s Chicago. We fucking get it!
• Thatch picks up the phone (yes a normal 1991 landline) and calls the scientist girl. “Hello you traitor Bit…broad!” He stopped himself from calling her a bitch. Remember this film about bimbos is rated PG.
• It’s genuinely hard to figure out if the film gets things incredibly wrong or that it’s intentionally trying to be funny.

• I can’t imagine anyone watching this getting any enjoyment out of it. Not even the friends and family of the people involved. It’s nothing but a waste of time.
• Now there’s army dudes in this flick? What’s the point of the bimbos then? [Editor Notes: this soldier or any soldiers are never seen again]
• Holst’s Mars is back. You know Holst had other compositions right? And there’s a buttload of other free-licensed classical music as well.
• I don’t know what the director promised these actors to be in this piece of garbage but they weren’t compensated nearly enough. And fuck them anyway for agreeing to do this.
• Is that Kansas City posing as Chicago? I may have to see this image a dozen more times to make sure.
• Why couldn’t they just take a quick drive up to Chicago to film the b-roll for better authenticity at least? Hell, I’d prefer just a photograph from a guide book with the Ken Burns zoom effect.
• “A Night at Bald Mountain” now? Over this quick and embarrassing mutant-bimbo battle in an abandoned alley.
• I’m nearly half-way through this. But it’s going to take 10 years off my life if I finish this.
• They are playing a metal instrumental that sounds vaguely familiar but my brain is all mush watching this that I can’t even speak coherently much less figure this tune out.
• Headquarters? Are the Bimbos like authority figures or law enforcement or superheroes?
• Sgt. Slaughter’s robot assistant tells him that the Bimbos entered the underground facility. He’s a four-flushing liar. Last we saw the Bimbos they were hanging around empty lots, alleys and bridge underpasses.
• I had no idea Four-Flushing was an actual word. I thought Bill Cosby invented it.
• Empty parking lot. Hair metal looking dude. Suspenders. Acid-washed jeans. A red cape that is ripped to shreds. Weapon of choice: two sais (like Raphael in TMNT). Mumbling to himself. I don’t have a fucking clue who he is.

• Kinda looks like Jon-Mikl Thor!
• Silly spoof prop of Ridley Scott’s Alien appears and the dude says it’s the wrong movie and walks away.
• The bimbos find the cave lair of the bad guy (he said his name is Nemesis). I wish I was aware they were looking for him. Maybe they said they were but I can’t hear their crap.
• In a battle of the ages, Nemesis simply grabs every slow attacking bimbo’s sword or spear with his bare hands and tosses them aside. One by one, of course.
• They do manage to trip him up and dog pile him. For a second before Thatch comes back and says “Enough!” like he’s their dad. Then a bimbo runs towards him and he grabs her with no resistance. At first I thought she was happy to see him and was going to give him a hug.
• “Still stupid I see!” This film? Yup. And somehow getting stupider by the minute.
• Thatch’s master plan: drop the bimbos into a 200 foot pit that has some sort of gas that causes amnesia. Then they will brainwash the bimbos into automatons to be loyal soldiers. It’s almost too easy.

• It’s been 10 minutes, that must mean we have to see Kansas City posing as Chicago once again.
• Brief aside: I had to look up that this was actually Kansas City [it is] because I never been there. I have been to Chicago and if I’m going to compare the two cities, I’d say that Chicago’s skyline is way more recognizable than Kansas City’s. I don’t know why this film chose Chicago as its main setting when the filmmakers live in the Kansas City area. They could’ve picked Kansas City and it wouldn’t have affected the plot of the film. But they chose a more famous and recognizable city to set it in, in the hopes that we wouldn’t notice that’s not Chicago? This is just B-roll of the skyline; they could’ve used any stock skyline footage of Chicago. I know it’s like 8 hours between the two cities so driving that far just for B-roll is asking a lot sure, but again, it could have been Kansas City. And I joked that they could’ve used any photo of Chicago since, again, this is B-roll. I’m willing to bet my balls that the filmmakers live in the Kansas City area and why wouldn’t they make in Kansas City because that’s their beloved home. Are they not proud of being Missourians? Why Chicago? Why Chicago?! WHY CHICAGO?!?!?!?!?!

• Sorry, but they keep taunting and mocking me using the same b-roll of Kansas City as Chicago and it’s pissing me off.
• Also I don’t know if Chicago is now called Armageddon City or Armageddon City is another city. I’m all fucked up now.
• I know this is on a micro-budget but you couldn’t scrounge up a few pick-axes from friends or neighbors or buy a few at your local ACE hardware for this scene of the bimbos mining. Instead of them using wooden sticks?
• 38 minutes into this wonderful exemplary example of the art of cinema, we are learning all the bimbos’ names when they meet another future bimbo in the mines.
• I know we already had Larry, the male bimbo in this flick but who’s this other dude? Just some random dude working the mines I suppose but we didn’t get introduced to anyone in this scene.
• They are hammering and chiseling into a rock wall that just a few feet over has a rather large opening.
• Again, I’m not quite positive this movie is being intentionally funny or not but sometimes these gaffes are actually funny.
• Hey! Sweet Home Chicago?

• OK, well at least this Bimbo is very cute. I don’t know where she’s ambling to but she looks cute doing it. Also, director of photography, you may want to clean that smudge on the lens that is obscuring a third of the bottom right of the frame. Thanks for your attention in this matter.
• … And each time I roam, Chicago is
  Calling me home, Chicago is
  Why I just grin like a clown
  It’s my kind of town
• I think I’ve reached the stage wherein, I give up hope that this is a good earnest movie and now seeing it for the spoof and campiness of the absurdity that I’m watching. They have used the same skyline shot like 6 times now in-between most scenes and now I’m finding it hilarious. It’s like Chinese water torture or a SNL skit, the repetition, no matter how good or bad it is, makes you crazy.
• “Cyber-Chicks! Part-human, part-machine, warriors.” Did he forget the ‘all’ before warriors? Usually the phrase is part-something, part-something, all-something, right? Or am I insane? (yes)
• Thatch has all the bimbo prisoners walking like a chain-gang on one rope. Yes rope. And each hand of the bimbos isn’t tied to the rope or hand-cuffed; the main rope is just wrapped once around each bimbo’s wrists. This HAS to be a gag right?
• Saturday in the park
  I think it was the Fourth of July
  People dancing, people laughing
  A man selling ice cream
  Singing Italian songs
• There’s a recurring gag with certain characters running in a way that’s well, I’ll just let Slim Pickens tell you:

• Robot Voice: “You are bimbos. You are expendable.” No argument there.
• John Apollo attacks Thatch in an empty parking lot and also the cute bimbo that was ambling around; she attacks the robot but is then whisked off screen by a hooded character never seen before. What the fuck is going on? The way they moved off screen made it seem like she wasn’t supposed to be in that scene and someone in the crew physically removed her.
• The scientist is all of a sudden a bad-ass fighter and takes down Thatch after Thatch takes down John Apollo. She then threatens the robot with a can-opener. Meanwhile some hillbilly dude that the Bimbos were talking to earlier is sabotaging the robot’s wiring to shut it down.
• Scientist lady then helps cute bimbo who is fighting the hooded guy. The hooded guy then steps on her pinky toe and she then breaks the 4th wall to tell us: “You guys better take a bathroom break or go get something to eat, cause this ain’t gonna be pretty.” She then punches him. Then he’s bum-rushed and pounded on from every bimbo like Stuntman Mike.
• Chicago, Chicago, that toddling town
  Chicago, Chicago, I will show you around, I love it
  Bet your bottom dollar you’ll lose the blues in Chicago, Chicago
  The town that Billy Sunday could not shut down
• The dude with the long hair and shredded cape from earlier is patrolling the parking garage (his name is Pringle by the way and he’s played by the director Todd Sheets), finds a film clapper and breaks the 4th wall to tell us that he knew the bimbos were here. Dude, we just had a 4th wall break gag a scene ago. And that was like the 5th one already in this flick.

• Now Nemesis is fighting Thatch! That traitorous scum!
• Nemesis fixes his helmet mid-fight. Now that’s professionalism!
• This movie is so dumb and poorly made that I’m not going to comment much more. I’m just going to coast the next 15 minutes.
• It’s cute that this flick is even attempting a car chase.
• How the fuck did I even find this movie? Like I must be maybe the 14th person in history to ever see it.
• The car chase has turned into a bicycle race while Yankee Doodle Dandy plays.
• This might be the first movie of my picks this month that doesn’t have a rape scene. I thought maybe Rising Storm didn’t but I just remembered Zach Gilligan was basically raped.
• Ride my face to Chicago
  Ride it all night long
  Ride my face to Chicago
  Ride it all night long
• The bike chase is now a skateboard chase.
• Also in this chase but behind them is a new robot that I guess was reconstructed by the bimbos and reprogrammed to go kill Thatch. It, too, is on a skateboard.
• It accomplishes it’s mission when he rams both Nemesis and Thatch against a wall.
• Oh, the cute bimbo was the leader of the bimbos. I probably would’ve known that if I could hear what anyone was saying.
• We are the Bears Shufflin’ Crew
  Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
  We’re so bad, we know we’re good
  Blowin’ your mind like we knew we would
  You know we’re just struttin’ for fun
  Struttin’ our stuff for everyone
  We’re not here to start no trouble
  We’re just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle
• Oh that’s it? Great. Smoke if you got ‘em.
• Oh it’s spelled Nemisis. nemISIS?!

 

What year?!: They failed to mention that. Or they did but I couldn’t hear it due to the piss-poor sound quality.

Who are the Enemies: Salacious Thatch, Nemisis, robots, Insectoids, microphones, Kansas City 

What Happened to the Earth?: Also unclear. The film didn’t have much interest in proper world building and plot. Hell, I’m not even certain that the Earth was somehow destroyed by nukes or another apocalyptic event despite Armageddon being in the title. The only changes are Kansas City became Chicago which then became Armageddon City.

Final Thoughts: Look, I get it. Amateur filmmaking, with tech from 1991 with friends as actors in easy to film at locations and yes, it’s going to look cheap and laughable at times. And with those limitations, I think they did a bang-up job. I’m being serious, I trashed this flick to hell and back but of course I was in on the joke and a small part of me appreciated the efforts. It’s a piece of crap and I don’t recommend it—don’t get me wrong. I just wanted to say something positive after that beat down. 

Score: 1 “Chicago” Skylines (out of 10)