Rising Storm (aka Rebel Storm) (1989)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: In a future dystopian USA governed by a televangelist dictator, two brothers team up with two sisters to find an artifact that could change history.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• I don’t think I’ve seen a Zach Galligan starring flick since Waxwork. Probably for good reason.
• I hope these guys are digging themselves an early grave to save me the trouble.
• Toluca Lake?! With Also Sprach Zarathrusta playing? Kubrick would be proud.
• BIG BOY!! They dug up the statue of Big Boy like a T-Rex. He belongs in a museum!
• Reverend Jimmy Joe the Second is the president of this post-apocalyptic USA in 2099.
• Why is the graphic for U.S.A. written like this: Û.S.Ä? Was this intentional or to make America more metal, like Mötley Crüe?
• Hey, at least this flick takes place in the far future and not just a few years ago as of this writing.
• Jimmy Joe is an amalgamation of an evangelist and every GOP politician you can think of with a dash of Foghorn Leghorn.
• Not sure what I’m seeing, but Zach Galligan is sitting waiting for someone at a prison and not far from him is some blindfolded naked man sitting with maybe a tanning machine behind him.
• The man Zach is waiting for is played by Wayne Crawford the star and writer of Barracuda!
• There’s a dominatrix in the jail and she’s puncturing her sharp fingernails through her rubber gloves. What’s the point of that? Why wear the gloves that are designed to protect your hands if you’re going to put holes in them?
• Hahaha. As the dominatrix is walking down the hall, she slaps a man on a gurney in the dick and after he groans in pain he says: “Thank you sister.”
• The Dominatix’s name is Weezler. I don’t care what they say about us anyway, I don’t care about that.
• I thought Wayne was being released today. Is this torture a good bye ritual?
• Apparently it’s called “Exit Counseling”. Kinda wish I had this sort of send-off when I left my last job.
• Not sure if Wayne is enjoying this but The Weezler is kicking ass. She’s definitely enjoying herself.

• He electrocutes her (and him) by sticking a piece of metal in a socket. I think that makes her climax.
• “Where’s the Buick?” Buick?! In 2099?! They are barely afloat in 2026. When was the last time you saw a Buick while you were driving around?
• 2099 looks and feels just like 1989. Weird.
• So Zach (Artie Gage) and I’m assuming his brother Wayne (Joe Gage) have got a new job together at a rich opulent mansion as waiters. On the wall of this place is a pop art style painting of a classic car and some lady wearing a white dress with polka-dots and walking a poodle. A door opens on the painting and out walks the lady wearing a white dress walking the same poodle.
• A very worn and damaged Playboy magazine is displayed as an art piece. And apparently it’s worth $120,000 in 2099 dollars! That’s one expensive wank.
• The actor that plays Jimmy Joe II is Rod McCary, who also played a minister in Stir Crazy and also in Night of the Demons TWO! Looking at his filmography he plays a lot of ministers and judges.
• There’s still elections in 2099?! Somehow I find that really hard to believe.
• Joe gets fired and kicked out because he sexually assaults a guest by grabbing her tush. Give the dude a break, he just got out of prison.
• This flophouse has less charm than an ICE detention center.
• Jimmy Joe is advertising his own American history books to the poorest souls in this movie. Only $1800 for the whole set!
• Smuggling people into Mexico? My, how the tables have turned.
• As Joe is outside having a smoke, he witnesses two cloaked people stealing their scooter. Another cloaked couple are having slow and lazy sex while standing up.
• In the refugee camp/flophouse, there’s a boxing ring as the stage and an MC (who looks eerily like G. Gordon Liddy wearing wrap-around sunglasses) is trying to get the crowd pumped for this beauty contest with only the most attractive old ladies that Mar-A-Lago could spare!
• Outside Joe is leaning against the wall with a very artistic penis artwork displayed.
• It’s a RAID! Run for the hills!
• The cops (or stormtroopers) barge in and detain two people, one a lady and the other cloaked. Artie tries to interfere and when they uncloak the one, it happens to be a girl, much to Artie’s astonishment. “You’re a girl!?” Not sure why he’s baffled here because there’s women everywhere and I’m very certain he never seen this cloaked character before this scene.
• Anyway, it’s June Chadwick! Jeanine in Spinal Tap!
• Joe to the rescue! Not sure why he’s risking his life and freedom by helping two women he’s never met before. They could be terrorists or MAGA, he didn’t bother finding out before assaulting a cop and stealing his gun to get the girls, him and Artie out of there.
• The voices of the cops sound just like the voice for ED-209 in Robocop.
• Joe is blaming Artie for getting them into this pickle. Dickhead, you came in guns blazing the very second you heard a lady scream.
• That’s not a War Wagon! That’s a Battletruck!
• Should I even ask how these two bagladies have a huge tank-like vehicle?
• New Jerusalem?! Yeah, no, I’m keeping the jokes to myself for that one.
• SALLAH! And he is sporting the most impressive mutton chops ever on screen!
• The two ladies (Mila & her sister Blaise) are dropped off (they already trust the Gage boys with their Battletruck) at a place that an old timer is shooting cut-outs of Jimmy Joe while constantly farting. He also has a pet chimp.
• Did Mila just call him Whitefish? Is Gelfite running errands?
• Whitefish is reintroduced to Blaise and he says he remembers her and that he used to change her diapers. And then he says that he wouldn’t mind changing them now. Gross.
• Hahahaha. The chimp sneezes and two giant snot-rockets burst out the nose.

• Not sure if Whitefish is farting or the chimp.
• Sallah is interrogating a hapless guy that some scientist has been working on. Sallah needed a name and the tortured fella says Mila’s name.
• Now there are wanted posters for Mila Hart. Just $5000. Not too shabby.
• Mila is a rebel leader like Che Guevara or Kuato without Marshall Bell attached.
• Good news that Rock n’ Roll is still a thing in 2099.
• “She used to demand sex and more than the once a month prescription.” That’s more than my GP prescribes me.
• Did Blaise just say Elfstein? I wish I could get subtitles for this flick. Between the lousy video transfer and low sound quality (I can barely make out half of what John Rhys-Davies is saying) and my declining hearing, I’m sure I’m missing stuff. Not important stuff mind you but stuff.
• OK, Whitefish says Epstein (EPSTEIN!!!!!) clearly which is in no way the same name that Blaise tried to say. Anyway Epstein smoked a lot of marijuana and his information about where the compound that Mila wants to raid is faulty. Fucking Epstein.
• Three riders were approaching. The wind began to howl!
• The riders are cops and they are barging in Whitefish’s dwelling looking for the Hart girls. When they find them, Whitefish opens fire and kills one but gets shot himself, farting as he falls. The chimp goes apeshit.
• They left the chimp?! The Gage’s come to the rescue in their battletruck but they didn’t bring the chimp! Fuck this!
• I don’t know what state in the US this flick is supposed to take place. I was assuming it was California with Toluca lake and Big Boy. It’s hard to tell because there’s been nothing but desert so far. Which kudos to the flick for having a completely different landscape and environment than every other post-nuke movie ever made.
• Why are the Gages and the Harts panicking at being chased by cops on motorcycles. There’s no way these CHIPs can overtake their battletruck. No seriously, this war wagon is massive. It’s bigger than a Winnebago and has more storage!
• “Hey I got one!” “Great kid, don’t get cocky!” Gotta have a Star Wars reference in every post!
• Hahahaha. One dope CHIP plays chicken with the battletruck and he gets himself blown up on impact!
• The name of the battletruck is: The Ship of the Desert and it has two camel icons on the side. Ya know, I could use a smoke right about now.
• We don’t know enough about Mila & Blaise yet other than they are rebels against the government, however, they don’t seem rich yet they have an RV-sized war wagon and I really don’t understand how they have this and can afford the gas that this thing requires. Seriously, this thing has to do 3 miles per gallon in a post-nuke world that has be fuel scarce.

• The girls are trying to recruit the brothers to join them but Mila says they are on a mission to get rich. Not sure if she’s lying to better entice the boys to join or this whole thing isn’t about rebellion but about cold hard cash.
• According to Artie’s public school education: “…The country was run by negroes and Zionists, that had this whole drug-dealing thing and they hooked up with the British Royal family until the blessed Reverend came along and kicked them all out.” Seems Artie has been listening to too much Alex Jones.
• “You want to be my friend? Then take your pants off and come over here. Heeheehee.” This line usually works, maybe Joe is losing his touch.
• “Maybe someday you’ll care about someone other than yourself.” “Yeah well, if someone cares about me, I’ll think about it.” Ya know, that’s not too bad of a line. Too bad it was said by the writer of Barracuda.
• I guess I missed the part where the sisters are in this desert mainly to dig up something. I’m assuming treasure or dino bones. Maybe that’s what Whitefish told them.
• “It’s hotter than a chili fart down here, man!”
• The brothers are digging where the sisters tell them but they are the only ones digging while the girls watch and fan themselves in the hot desert heat. I can understand gentle and kind Artie being OK with this arrangement but why is cynical and surly Joe digging while he’s complaining?
• Maybe they’ll get real lucky and find another Bob’s Big Boy or 1000s of cartridges of E.T. the Atari game.
• After celebrating finding something, Joe falls into a hole in the ravine.
• Anyway, now all 4 of them are exploring this cave that happens to be playing music that sounds like 38 Special or Molly Hatchet.
• Radio station? Underground?! How is that possible? Unless on the other side of this mountain is a huge antennae.
• Looks like Elvis Duran has seen better days.
• The girls somehow are happy that they found the skeletal remains in this underground radio station. Maybe they weren’t looking for money or treasure but this radio station for their rebel cause. This must be what they were looking for.
• Three seconds later: “We still haven’t found what we’re looking for.”
• Blaise to Artie: “Have you ever heard of the myth of the female orgasm?”

• As Blaise and Artie start to make love the soundtrack starts playing Ukulele Hawaiian music. Aloha female orgasm.
• If Artie the putz can undo her clothes.
• In case you ever wondered what a PG-13 sex scene with Billy Peltzer looks like, here ya go.
• Mila is searching something in the distance with binoculars, which to me, looks like standard 20th century binoculars but as she zooms in it makes mechanical whirring noises.
• “Where’s Blaise?” “Probably fishing for trouser trout.” Nice.
• Mila and Joe find and rescue some wandering kid and bring him back to the camp/battletruck. But it was all a trap!

• The kid calls over his people, who are dressed like Aladdins and walking with camels. More camels? And Mila’s shirt has a camel icon like the battletruck on the back of her shirt. Maybe this flick was sponsored by Camel cigarettes. Wait a minute—Joe Camel? Joe Gage. It’s all making more sense now!
• Did Artie get that huge brimmed baseball cap from Scotty Smalls from The Sandlot?
• As one of the Aladdins is licking Mila’s face from chin to forehead, I could’ve sworn I hear a phone ring. I checked twice. I guess it’s part of this score but it’s distinctly a phone ringing. Maybe it’s Zach Galligan’s agent calling.
• The kid kinda looks like k.d. Lang but less masculine.
• Amazing! As tension starts mounting with the Aladdins Mila manages to push one’s arms toward the other at the exact lucky moment he was firing his shotgun, killing one of the other Aladdins.
• As Joe chases the kid and is about to shoot him, Joe again falls down into a cave. He even mutters “Not again. Not again.”

• In a room that Joe fell into has a Ronald Reagan doll staring at him when he regains himself. Well he did trickle down into that cave.
• Joe found the same Playboy that’s worth $120,000 in this room! I’m willing to bet every single dollar I saved up for the strip club that he sells it at the end to make a small fortune and live well.
• Ya know, my old man left me boxes and boxes of porn magazines (Brian’s seen it!) and not one was worth the cum-crusted paper it was printed on. Maybe I needed to save them until 2099.
• Title card: Meanwhile, about 666 yards away…

• Sallah and his goons are digging for something in the desert as well. One goon brings over to Sallah a small sized stick of some sort. Sallah twists the one end and it’s a vibrator. The vibration startles everyone and Sallah throws the vibrator away. Also since the title card, Ludwig Van’s Ode of Joy is playing.
• While the boys are reading the playboy and amazed at the gifts for grads and dads section, the ladies are busy tearing up the walls for some hidden secret stash.
• It’s probably just a time capsule from 1982.
• The funny thing watching this now is within the container is some photos but also an AMEX card (which baffles Artie) but also old cassette tapes and a VHS tape. Back then that was still modern tech!
• “No one uses VHS anymore. Why couldn’t they use Beta?”

• I hope it’s porn. Maybe it’s The Load Warrior TWO!
• On the video is enemy of the state, Elliott Kropfeld. He’s a real hero. In fact he’s The Greatest American Hero!
• Hey! “I’m Nuts About You” by The Squirrels is a banger bro!
• It’s actually amazing, a miracle really, that that VHS tape is still working after about 110 years. How did they even find a working VCR in 2099?! They didn’t even have to call Lightning Fast VCR Repair to fix it.
• So are there any other rebels in this flick? Just the 4 (the Gage’s just joined so really 2) and some assistance from Whitefish earlier. Seems the only rebels in this whole country has less members than a basketball team?
• Rebel Storm? More like a Rebel fart in the wind.
• k.d. Lang is back! But he’s immediately gunned down by Sallah’s (whose name I looked up is Donwaldo if you can believe it) minions in their war wagon.
• Good to know that the hits of Eric Burdon and the Animals survived the apocalypse.
• Mila admits to Joe that there’s no money or treasure. He’s rightly pissed off. But Joe, the real treasure was the friends you made along the way.
• Joe leaves in the middle of the night and he takes a machine gun, the Ronald Reagan doll and a Gumby figure!
• Uh-oh, while Mila drove over to Joe as he was fleeing in the middle of the night to try to convince him to return, she’s spotted by Donwaldo and his compadres.
• Why have a battletruck if it’s not battle-ready or has high-tech defensives.
• Quick-sand?! In the desert?!
• One of Donwaldo’s troopers says “Shalom” to a captured Joe and Mila. Funny thing is, instead of saying Sir, yes sir, every trooper says yes sir, praise to the lord, sir and this USA is governed by the Christian right. I’d comment or question further but I don’t need the Mossad on my ass.
• Did they pick John Rhys-Davies for this flick because it has a sort of archaeological angle with two groups racing to digging for something?

• Donwaldo is torturing both Mila and Joe by having his lieutenant inject or squirt some liquid with a syringe but it’s in Mila’s mouth and Joe’s eyes. Also both of them have garbage all over their face like plastic medical bag over Mila’s eyes and aluminum tape over Joe with safety googles. It’s baffling.
• Anyway, Joe sells out the girls for a measly $35,000. He asked for $50K.
• But not really because he is trying to lead them into a trap.
• The trap being that while some troopers are in the mine searching for rebel smut, Joe motions to Artie and Blaise to use the detonator to blow it up. I don’t recall them planting bombs in the mine though. Anyway, mission accomplished.
• Not sure if we’re in Mexico right now because there’s a festival with people having a good time (with troopers it seems) and a Mariachi band is playing La Cucaracha.
• Nevermind we’re still in the states right outside Donwaldo’s headquarters. Which I failed to mention is in a store called: Uncle Bob’s Archaeological Artifacts Curios and Antiques.
• Two troopers enter said Uncle Bob’s and immediately shoots up the other two troopers. This must be tying up more loose ends of the Lufthansa heist. Or it’s Mila/Blaise and Joe/Artie in disguise!
• No more than 20 seconds in the warehouse, Joe and Artie take off their helmets. Immediately after, Donwaldo comes from behind them with Mila as a hostage.
• THE PLOT THICKENS! Mila is Donwaldo’s ex-wife!!
• As Donwaldo is counting to three til he shoots Mila in the head, some random guy with a head injury is cutting a rope that is keeping Bob’s Big Boy up in the ceiling directly above Donwaldo. Who the fuck is this guy?!?!
• Apparently he’s Uncle Bob. And he effectively killed Donwaldo with his Big Boy.
• I guess Donwaldo being Mila’s ex-husband had nothing to do with anything. Why did they even mention it?
• The gang are trying to steal Donwaldo’s tank-like vehicle but Blaise is struggling with all the random knobs, buttons and switches. Seriously, the front panel looks like a Fisher-Price preschool toy.
• When you hear the iconic William Tell Overture do you ever think of a really slow tank creeping along randomly firing missiles? This is the sort of action scene that piece of music is made for!
• Wait a minute, both the Ode to Joy and William Tell were also in A Clockwork Orange. Interesting.

• Stupid tank has rubber tires. You would think one trooper out of the dozens would think to shoot out the tires.
• Blaise is kicking ass with sheer luck. She’s randomly pressing buttons and the right guns or missiles are hitting the right targets. However some buttons are labeled -5 or +3 and it’s for firing missiles. Weird.
• Well not only did they destroy that camp while escaping and killing a handful of troopers, they also ruined the Mexican festival!
• It’s National Viewing Day! Everyone is forced to watch the State of the Union address by Reverend Jimmy Joe II. We don’t even have Election Day as a federal holiday!
• And how exactly is this enforced? Can’t they just tape it on the ol’ VCRs and watch it later?
• I think it’s the rich folks from the beginning who are shown having a party but everyone is dead silent for the SotU address which is supposed to happen in 19 minutes. C’mon folks party hardy, you have 19 minutes. Why are you all standing around waiting.
• “Drink Up!” Says the rich host. Oh, I’m way ahead of you Sweetchuck.
• Hey, Jimmy Joe just declared that voting is only for the rich. Because “they are responsible.”

• For some gratuitous reasons as the alarm sirens are blaring in the Praise the Lord Studios we see naked women scrambling from the showers to get battle ready. There’s no need for this scene, they could’ve just been scrambling with clothes on. In fact the men are the only ones clothed and ready while the women are running in bath towels with their weapons running towards the War Wagon.
• Plus, I thought everyone was mandated to watch the State of the Union address? Does this only include non-military personnel?
• Maybe if Blaise didn’t waste all the War Wagon’s ammo destroying the festival they could us the extra firepower and armor when they attack the studio. Now they’re sitting ducks!
• Again, still weird there’s only 4 rebels doing all this work. They should’ve tried recruiting more resistance fighters before they decided to attack the government. Just a suggestion.
• It’s cute that the gang thinks they will change the course of history with a VHS tape with some shock jock’s conspiracy theories.
• Some soldiers are still in bath towels.
• Hahahaha. So after like 5 minutes of shooting and running around this studio for the gang to locate the control room, the control room is wide open and they just waltz right in. You would think the whole building would be on complete lock-down with the rebels inside.
• Jimmy Joe just introduced his special new dollar coin with his face on it! That will never happen in America, ever!
• “I have a hard-on for America!” How long before the orange shitstain imbecile says this exact thing in the next year or so. I mean, he’s already dry humped an American flag and has been fucking this country for 10 years now.
• Mila went into the props room and comes out wearing a modest blue dress. Seems now Joe’s interest is piqued. Did she really need to get dolled up for this broadcast? Is it more convincing than her wearing her work clothes?
• I sure hope this video message that Mila is broadcasted right now is in Dubly sound.
• The Kropfeld video is explaining why he’s an enemy of the state and how this fascist dictatorship is suppressing the masses, etc. etc. and I’m pretty sure that everyone knows this already since they are literally forced in watching this broadcast in a flophouse overseen by armed stormtroopers.

• And probably no one has ever heard of this Kropfeld before making his words and proclamations less impactful. He may say join the rebellion and fight for freedom but he’s just a jackass DJ wearing sunglasses on a 100-year-old VHS tape.
• He says make like The Bobby Fuller Four and “fight the law!” How’s that song go again? I fought the law and things turned out great? Something like that right. Moving on.
• There’s about 10s of the flophouse people clapping and cheering!
• But that’s enough for G. Gordon Liddy to order the troopers to open fire on everyone.
• Wait. Why are the rich people in a posh apartment above the flophouse with giant windows that could look down into the flophouse? Is this done for sadistic and voyeuristic reasons?
• The flophouse revolts and attacks the troopers, Liddy and the rich! And that solves all the woes in the country immediately!
• Why is fucking Sha-Na-Na playing?! Rock n Roll is Here to Stay! Bowser for President!
• Anyway, mission accomplished. The quick words of Kropfeld changed the world. Hallelujah!
• Zach Galligan is first billed but he barely did a thing in this flick. He’s not even on the movie’s poster with the other three heroes!

 

What year?!: 2099

Who are the Enemies: President/Reverend Jimmy Joe II and his fascist regime. Donwaldo. 

What Happened to the Earth?: I don’t think they mentioned that detail.

Final Thoughts: I was hoping that this one was a little more entertaining. It’s not bad-bad and it’s not good. It never went campy enough and when it did it was lame and tawdry. It had potential and maybe 35 years ago it might’ve been more worth watching but it doesn’t hold up in my opinion. Conceptually it’s fine but the rebellion (all 4 of them) are looking for an old VHS video of a radio DJ talking about revolution. It’s a very naive and middle-school-ish attempt at freeing a dystopian future from fascism. It’s 1984 by way of Saved By The Bell is a funny way to put I but that’s sort of the vibe I felt watching this. Maybe my opinion and attitude towards this flick is more influenced by whatever state off the world you want to call what we’re tormented with in the year 2026 but I was hoping for more with Rising Storm.

Score: 3 Vintage Playboy Magazines (out of 10)