The Sisterhood (1988)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: In an apocalyptic post-nuke world, women have been enslaved by men, with their only hope for freedom lying in the hands of a nomadic band of maiden warriors with special magical abilities like cooking, cleaning, and looking pretty. One also can talk to birds!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Movie just starts off with exposition narration about the end of the world. I like a movie that doesn’t waste time.
• The narration is over a static image of a wasteland with orange sky and it’s scratched and dusty. The image I mean, not the landscape.
• “Gifted women”?? Are they mutants? Olympic athletes?
• So after the destruction of the Earth a band of gifted women pledged to restore peace and equality. Leave it to women to clean up the messes of men.
• Why are these men dressed like Masters of the Universe characters? This one dude even has a sword and shield!
• “The Sisterhood. Let’s take ‘em!” Pretty much sums it all up now doesn’t it.
• Is one guy dressed like a Samurai?
• Damn! These broads know how to throw down!
• Apparently one of the chicks has eye-beams. So they are mutants or something like that.
• OK. Not to open up any cans of worms but the one dude who looks the most like He-Man that I mentioned earlier has a cross-strap for his weapons that has a gold breastplate which has a menorah embossed on it. What in the world?
• Maybe I should call him Meshugga Max.
• Anyway, the ladies tell him and his goons that they don’t have anything worth them dying for and that to go in peace. As they ride their horses away, Meshugga Max says he will have their heads on pikes one day. Ungrateful asshole.
• Meshugga Max calls them witches and the very next scene one lady is healing another lady’s wounds with magic.
• Good to know that in the distant apocalyptic future of—2021?!—chicks still dig animal print fabrics. Unless that blanket is actually tiger skin.
• Lynn-Holly Johnson! Hey! It’s been awhile!
• Lynn-Holly tries to warn or inform another (good) guy in her camp about the opening scene’s attack but he dismisses her, calls her a little witch and walks away telling her that their chief has better things to worry about. And under his breath ponders how she convinced the leaders that she can talk with a bird. Even with super powers the women are still treated like shit from men.
• As Lynn-Holly (Marya) is walking, we overhear a few dudes chatting and they say “So, we bring this guy over and we pow pow!” I don’t know what they mean exactly by pow pow but I bet it ain’t pleasant.
• Why does it look like Marya is wearing brand new pair of jeans? Everyone else is wearing clothes that you would assume someone would wear in a post-nuke world.

• The guy who was telling the beating/fucking story a moment ago is trying to throw rocks at Marya and telling her to go away. Misogyny is alive and very well in 2021.
• A younger boy is furious at the dickhead and tries to hit him with a wooden sword but the dickhead breaks the sword over his knee and this upsets the boy even more!
• So lo and behold she can communicate with a bird (looks like a small hawk but she’s treating it like a falcon). Someone saw Beastmaster.
• My mistake earlier when she mentioned the attack, it wasn’t the one from the opening scene with Meshugga Max and the Sisterhood. But another raider attack that only Marya and Lady Shree know about. Because Marya and her brother (the furious boy from earlier) are discussing if the Sisterhood are even real. Thanks for confusing the audience movie.
• “Traveling singers…” You mean Troubadours?
• Look, I know this is all a silly schlocky fictional story but I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that despite a few short years ago there was a tribe of only gifted women and now are virtually nonexistent and proclaimed fables by modern people. It’s like in the Force Awakens when Rey and Finn think that Jedi and the Force are myths as well despite it only being a couple of decades when Luke defeated Darth Vader.
• Lady Shree is the fucking hawk?! I kinda wish they established that earlier.
• “I’ve got a real bad feeling about this.” OK, shut it down! Shut this all down!
• You know what’s not so intimidating as they (the bad guys) think: calling something a War Wagon.
• “…The feel of lubricants. The sight of nuts, bolts, bearings…” HAHHAHA. He did not just say that!?
• “…for there lies the booty, there lies the dream!” By Crom, every sentence this mad man utters is homoerotic.
• It’s no doubt that The Road Warrior has a ton of homoeroticism and most, if not, all the post-nuke flicks take homage from George Miller’s Max movies but they didn’t have to homage the gay overtones every single time.
• The bad guys actually have Mad Max style vehicles, unlike the goofy shit from The New Barbarians. One guy even has a rocket launcher. However, he can’t aim it for shit.

• It appears that the good guys’ camp is fortified by wooden picket fencing. And the flick actually has the bad guys blow up this 3 foot high fence with a rocket launcher. Which is a good thing because there’s no way those cars would get past such impregnable fortifications.
• Sure, let’s blow up the fencing again. For old times sake.
• Again, they could’ve kicked it down or simply hopped over the fence.
• I’m watching this with subtitles and it states: [intense music] but the music couldn’t be less intense actually. In fact I’ve heard more intense music from Super Mario Bros.
• Huge sword fighting melee right now. So it’s either swords or rocket launchers. Nothing in between in seems.
• If we learn anything from movies it’s if the world suffers an apocalyptic disaster and is on the brink of extinction, all humans will have to fight with swords and spears and bows and arrows again. Fine by me.
• This one fella is wearing barbarian style clothes, like animal skins and chains yet is wearing a camouflaged bucket hat. The future is silly.
• Hate to harp on this but why would some of these warriors have viking style helmets and the like? Just because technology has been pushed back centuries doesn’t mean the clothing and headgear would all be primitive as well. They had to have made those viking helmets, which is odd considering I’m sure modern day military-grade helmets would be available.
• This sword battle is taking way too long.
• Joe, Marya’s little brother thinks himself brave and charges at Meshugga Max with a spear and of course gets himself perished. However, his groans of death are hilariously overdubbed.
• Lynn-Holly acting her heart out here finding her dead brother. Oscar reel fo-sho. Even I’m getting misty eyed.
• After battle banter from Meshugga Max and his goons: Goon 1: “What’s wrong with you?” Meshugga Max: “That warlord has us killing children.” Goon 2: “Pretty good wages. Let’s get the hell out of here.” Meshugga Max: “All right, I’ll see you at Dynamite Willy’s.” I hope Dynamite Willy’s is a tavern.
• The warlord of the bad guys sent them to massacre this village because he needed some car parts for his War Wagon. I don’t know if they got the parts but they pretty much decimated this whole village except for Marya of course.
• Meshugga Max and crew are apparently on the hunt for 2 people. Other than Marya, who obviously left the village after the marauders, I didn’t see any other people flee the village while they were fighting. So I don’t have any clue who Meshugga Max is referring to.
• HAHAHAHA. Two Sisterhood gals are in a bubble bath (don’t ask me how) and one says to the other: “Come on, let’s go chow down.”
• The hot tub is where the Sisterhood warriors do all their best thinking.
• BEWBS!

• This tavern music (I think it’s Dynamite Willy’s) sounds very similar to something that would be in a Super Mario Bros. video game. It’s also obviously ripping off the cantina music from Star Wars of course.
• Meshugga Max is accused of cheating at a dice game and the one who calls him out says: “You little sucker!” Meshugga Max says: “Count it, sucker!” Suck you Mothersucker!
• Naturally, the mythical Sisterhood is in the same tavern and going to save Marya, who up until yesterday didn’t think they existed. Funny how that works.
• Pointless bar brawl scene as the tavern keeper was attempting to nab Marya for a reward because he assumes she’s a runaway and Alee, the lead Sisterhood chick, uses telekinesis to throw a bottle at his head. Another scumbag patron laughs in his face and the tavern keeper punches him which causes Meshugga Max and his crew to get involved. However, the Sisterhood are not involved and just walk out with Marya.
• Apparently fighting is against the contract according to the tavern keeper.
• They don’t call him Dynamite Willy for nothing. And it’s not because he has a great cock. He threatens Meshugga Max and his goons by saying he’s going to blow the place up if they don’t stop fighting and lights a fuse for sticks of dynamite.
• Of course he’s only joshing. Dynamite Willy is such a card.
• Marya tells Alee and Vera that she thought they were a myth to frighten children. Scary hot magical women. I’m shivering in my barbarian booties.
• No room in the budget to do a second take when Alee’s horse loudly and awkwardly whinnies over Marya speaking interrupting the scene.
• Shit. She’s been a runaway for like 2 days; 3 tops!
• Alee and Vera don’t seem to care about Marya’s bird friend. Marya didn’t even mention she can communicate with it yet.
• Alee tells Marya that they can’t take her where they’re going nor do they have servants when Marya offers to take care of the Sisterhood’s horses. But when Lady Shree returns and Alee is amazed that Marya can communicate with Lady Shree, all of a sudden Marya is accepted.
• I can’t believe this came out in 19-fucking-88! I thought the sword and sorcery subgenera was long dead. I mean, didn’t Cannon’s Masters of the Universe die a horrible death a year earlier?

• Marya asks where they are going and Alee tells her to Calcara to join the Sisterhood in battle. The next question from Marya is “Can you tell me about the Sisterhood?” Not the best time for exposition Marya, she just said they are going to war!
• Alee states that before the “Great War” women and men were equal. What kind of fantasy world is this?! This flick is set in 2021. Unless her saying equal means that women can have a credit card then yes, we’re all equal.
• Only women can acquire the special powers. And the powers are derived from the nuclear fallout from the Great War. This may also contribute to their hung knockers.
• Meshugga Max and his crew ambush Vera while she’s tending to the horses but she manages to yell for help alerting Alee and Marya. He then says to Vera: “You’re my key to the whole of the Sisterhood.” I didn’t think he’d be interested in any of the Sisterhood’s holes! Hi-YOOOO
• Another post-nuke flick with a horrible soundtrack score. What’s the deal with that?
• Look, the hawk is cool and all but so far all it does is reconnaissance for Marya. Hopefully this bird will directly save someone from death or steal something crucial. I highly doubt my wish of it gauging out Meshugga Max’s eyes will come true but a boy can dream.
• Again, another post-nuke flick where there’s zero exposition or explanation of anything related to the fall of mankind, civilization or the level of fighting between ‘tribes’ for resources and food. It all just seems barbarian in appearance but there’s hardly any suffering going on unless Meshugga Max and his crew attacks someone.
• Lord Barak?! Wasn’t he the 44th president….nevermind.
• Onward to Barak Tor! (This joke is really only for Brian)
• Lord Barak either has a permanent neck injury or he literally cannot stop looking down his nose while chatting with Meshugga Max. He belongs on the cover of the New Yorker with a monocle.
• He also kinda reminds me of Billy Idol. It’s a nice time to START AGAIN!!!!!

• One bad guy in this camp tries to rape Vera. She bites him and he gets mad. Meshugga Max comes to stop the violence but then starts fighting these new guys. And I’m sure it’s not to protect her but because he doesn’t want her harmed for his own purposes.
• I’m guessing Vera was wishing she had a better power than healing factor right now.
• Would it kill you to smile more Vera?!
• I really don’t give two hot squirrel shits about these assholes fighting amongst themselves…again.
• It’s a little strange that every single character in this flick is wearing barbarian-style garb and Marya is wearing Calvin Klein jeans with a cape. Hey, maybe she received it when it was passed down from older members of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
• So Marya just ambushes the camp thinking this one dude with his back towards us was Meshugga Max. She stops in her tracks and looks embarrassed as hell. I’m embarrassed for her.
• And by some miracle she’s battle ready and holding her own against these barbarian dudes. The Sisterhood uploaded the sword fighter prompt in the Matrix for her it seems.
• Hahahaha. So Alee shoots a flaming arrow at a vehicle and it explodes on impact—fine, it’s a stretch but I take umbrage when she shoots one onto a cloth tent and that explodes.
• Unless the tent was made out of explosive cloth material.
• Now why didn’t the guy she shoot right in the back explode?
• Me thinks Lord Barak has suffered from a massive stroke. Would explain the neck thing.
• So Alee and Lord Barak parlay a truce. She asks for horses and food and information about where Meshugga Max took Vera. But she doesn’t give two hot shits about the 3 or more girls Barak has in cages ready to be sold into slavery.
• Lord Jak? Lord Jak Off?
• It’s kinda funny listening to Lord Jak complain about his supplies to Meshugga Max and Max sympathizing to him; like this conversation sounds like it should be in the office at Sterling Cooper.
• Alee warns Marya about the mutants living in the Forbidden Zone. Apparently right before the Great War scientists experimented with genetic mutations that went awry. Again, how far back has all these events take place?!
• These “mutants” look more like hobos. At first glance I don’t see why they would be mutants.
• This is giving me Village of the Crazies flashbacks. Not the actual Village of the Crazies, the one from Gymkata. Just to clarify.
• I guess fighting the mutants is out of the question?
• Oh now they fight them after 2 minutes of running in the dark forest. What was the point of that?
• I think Marya just fell into a large hole. A plot hole.
• It happens to be a cave entrance. The two ladies feel like this green glowing cave is the safer route to take thru the Forbidden Zone.
• Alee thinks that this green light could be from the Green Death but that it isn’t as strong as it used to be from the old tales she heard.
• I appreciate the world building that this flick is trying to do but ultimately it’s silly and useless.
• The mutants find them anyway through another hole in the cave’s ceiling. They even have special knotted rope ladders to climb down.
• The mutants are non-stop groaning and moaning like the 2001: A Space Odyssey spoof scene from Mel Brook’s History of the World Part I. Or Multiple Miggs.

• Well it’s real easy taking down dozens of unarmed mutant idiots when you have swords and such.
• The cave leads to a door to the underground where old villages were built for shelter from the fallout. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if beyond the door is a village that looks just like any common day suburb with people that look like us in 2021 (minus the COVID pandemic of course). Supermarkets and milkmen and everyone’s blissful and happy.
• The door to the underground has an electronic or computer lock mechanism that Alee hacks within seconds and opens the door. Do you believe in miracles!? YES!
• The underground even has a security system. But it overloads immediately for some reason.
• The analog clocks in this underground lair are still working?
• “It was called the USA and it was very great.” Hahahaha.
• Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
• Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
• Ahem. Back to the flick.
• She also described the USA as a kingdom which ironically nowadays it thinks it is.
• The other great kingdom was called Russia. I don’t need to explain further.
• The ladies found the weapons cache. Dozens of rifles and machine guns. Surely this will turn the tide in the Sisterhood’s favor!
• Alee thinks there’d be a manual for the weapons laying around someplace. If only there was someone to mansplain these guns to them.
• “Music?” “Yeah, but it comes out of a box!” It works for Sabrina Carpenter.
• Another War Wagon? Why is everyone calling cars War Wagons?! Can we get the color Antarctic Blue?

• “I think you found what we’re looking for.” At no point did any of the Sisters say they were looking for a War Wagon much less a vehicle. Actually, no Sister said they were searching for anything in this whole damn flick.
• I figured the Sisterhood lived in a primitive-like tribe without much modern appliances and, well, electricity etc. but here Alee knows what a light switch is.
• Come to think of it, how is there any power or electricity in this underground city anyway?
• How is there power or electricity anywhere?! Maybe Dynamite Willy knows.
• Not only does the War Wagon still work—Alee and Marya immediately know how to start it and drive it!
• They also neglected about 5 other vehicles that can help them; like a small tank.
• Marya commands Lady Shree to find Vera for them. Better late than never I suppose.
• How have they not raped Vera dozens of times already?
• Meshugga Max explains why he seeks vengeance for the Sisterhood because he had an older sister who ran away to join the Sisterhood, claims they stole her from him even though a breath ago he said she ran away to join them.
• Marya and Alee are attacked again by mutants but now they have machine guns and a war wagon and easily mow down the unarmed mutants.
• This flick is making it a point about how often the men can’t get along and fight amongst themselves. This is the third such scene of men fighting each other.
• Meshugga Max is telling Lord Jak that he and his 3 other men are taking Vera to confront the Sisterhood on their own. Jak thinks its impossible since the Sisterhood have magic powers but Meshugga Max explains that he’s not afraid of their powers because he figured out they use mens’ fears against them. As he says: “They can’t stop men with no fear!” Both he and Jak are startled by something up in the hills.
• Lord Jak asks what that is and Meshugga Max says: “It’s a war wagon of some sort. It’s a nice one but it’s just a war wagon.” Huh?
• How many war wagons has Meshugga Max ever seen anyway?
• Meshugga Max is one lousy shot on the rocket launcher.

• Apparently the War Wagons have unlimited rockets and bombs. And they all work after decades of neglect.
• C’mon, if you’re going to have a vehicle fall off a cliff, it’s imperative that it explodes! Doesn’t matter if the fall is hundreds of feet or a few yards, that’s Schlock 101.
• This is the most boring battle/chase I’ve ever seen. It’s like watching two old farts racing in electric scooters at the local Stop and Shop.
• Vera jumps out of the men’s vehicle and easily runs back to the girls War Wagon. Meshugga Max tried to chase her down but his tricycle is too slow for a running woman.
• Whenever they say Calcara I keep thinking of Michael Palin’s stuttering Ken in A Fish Called Wanda.

• “We wait until dark. Then we go down.” Oooh yeah.
• Hahahaha. The leader of Calcara’s name is Lord Kragg.
• Lord Kragg scoffs at Lord Jak’s warning about the Sisterhood and Kragg shows him his dungeon filled with a dozen of women. He then offers Jak the task of delivering these women to the western kingdom. Sort of like City Slickers. Titty Slickers.
• If only if Alee and Marya didn’t use up all their rockets, they might just be able to destroy the walls of Calcara instead of trying to sneak themselves in. Maybe they could call Ace Frehley for a Rocket Ride.
• Ya know, with the title The Sisterhood, I really thought there’d be more than 3 women warriors in this flick. There’s more females in Ridley Scott’s Alien than this.
• There’s like 11 minutes remaining and this flick is doing a quiet covert infiltration scene as their finale? So glad we had War Wagons in this flick. Metallic Pea?!
• Alee uses her eye beam powers to untie the ropes on some female prisoners. The ropes just fly right off—no untying necessary.
• This machine gun vs. sword fight is a bit one-sided. And how lame is it that the good, earthly, spiritual women are using the guns, kinda countering the point of what the Sisterhood stands and fights for. With 8 minutes remaining, I highly doubt their powers will be a major factor in the finale. But let’s see.
• So they saved a dozen of other women, who I’m assuming are all Sisterhood since Lord Kragg said he captured them at the Battle of 12 Trees (they’ve mentioned this battle a few times already) and it’s still just Alee, Vera and Marya gunning down all the men with machine guns. A better ending would have the women using their powers to destroy the men. 
• This is just a massacre at this point.
• Of course Marya shows compassion for Meshugga Max and lets him live. Dumb broad.

• There’s a lot of soldiers in Calcara dressed in US army uniforms from WWII. With the same style helmets but they all have swords.
• The girls are barricaded in the dungeon with the other women. They have no plan and don’t even try to free the women. Kragg’s army is right outside and now a bright white light illuminates the dungeon and in that light appears The Sorceress from He-Man?!
• The Reverend Mother of the Sisterhood asks why they lost faith and are using guns. She then tells a room of a dozen chained up prisoner women: “Do you no longer trust in me?” Well, if they trusted you, why did you forsake them while they were prisoners this whole time?
• I’m getting a Christ-like vibe here.
• Again, if the Reverend Mother can just appear anywhere and make her sisterhood disappear with her away from danger, then where was she this whole Crom-damned time?!
• Random War Wagon randomly explodes. Not sure what the point of that was other than Reverend Mother magically destroyed it because it’s a war machine.
• Meshugga Max rides his tricycle and stops to watch the flock of women in the distance. So the Reverend Mother can teleport multiple women out of a dungeon but they have to walk home the rest of the way?
• Meshugga Max realizes that the magic is real and that he admires and respects the Sisterhood now. Lame, lame LAME!
• Hahaha. Even the credits has errors. Halfway down the cast list the roles and the actor names swaps. So under Lord Kragg is Steve Rogers (Hey Cap!) and on the other side he plays Guard 1, which is under the actor’s name who played Lord Kragg.
• OK that’s enough estrogen for me today thanks.

 

What year?!: The glorious year of our lord 2021!

Who are the Enemies: Rogue band of psychotic MEN as well as some mutants

What Happened to the Earth?: Nuclear annihilation

Final Thoughts: Could have been better. Should have been better. I picked this one because it was female-centric but boy was that a let-down. All we got was three women fighting dudes. And they have super power abilities that barely play into the narrative. So many wasted opportunities. Except the product placement that according to imdb the director had a cross-promotional partnership with Levi’s! This flick is just a hodgepodge of various other genre films tropes smashed together. While not the worst flick this month so far, not definitely is one of the more forgettable ones.

Score: 2 Dynamite Willys (out of 10)