Hidden (2015)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A couple of people run afoul of being annoying.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Hidden? Well, I found it, assholes.
• Is this a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie?
• I haven’t used a Zippo in a while but is the flame usually 4 feet high?
• The Breathers? Is this a sequel to Student Bodies?
• These three have to smell like shit.
• Speaking of breathers, how is the family breathing? There seems to be a very minimal amount of air coming in.
• I think this is also where the Scavengers from 1990: The Bronx Warriors live.
• They do have canned fruit, so they won’t be dying of scurvy as I first thought. Not yet, anyway.
• Nevermind, looks like super rats are eating their canned goods. It has to be Splinter. So this IS a TMNT movie. Alexander Scarsguard and his wife must be Casey Jones and April O’Neil. I think that makes this little girl Zoe a rotten slice of shitty pizza, because I’d rather eat that than listen to more of her bitching and moaning.
• I wonder if this family are Scandanavian immigrants and the Breathers are really just ICE Nazis trying to find then and deport them to Honduras.
• I just assume the parents, Ray and Claire, are brother and sister until told otherwise.
• How is ZoZo a nickname for Zoe? It’s harder to say.
• I can’t believe they murdered Splinter. At least he got his revenge by setting the bunker on fire.

• “There’s a giant fire but they’re still gonna call her ‘ZoZo.’ Fucking morons.” – my wife.
• I’m kind of amazed these numbnuts haven’t set themselves on fire previously.
• Did they really need Zoe to point out that the smoke was going to go through their one vent and the Breathers would see? So I guess this is a zombie virus? Or it’s a virus that just gives everyone asthma.
• I guess Ray isn’t extremely irritating but Claire and Zoe and her creepy-ass doll can go fly a kite right up a Breather’s ass to Breathertown.
• I guess this is a fallout shelter. I should’ve just rewatched and recapped all the episodes of Fallout, and played Fallout 4 again. Where’s the next Fallout game anyway? It’s been 11 years! I don’t count 76, because I can’t stand multiplayer games. Last thing I need is to be bossed around by a 14 year old and shot when I try to do anything. I get enough of that in my daily life. Well, that’s my boredom rant for this post.
• Jesus, Zoe is just the worst.
• Whatever virus thing that is happening on the surface doesn’t seem to be going away ever, so they’re just hiding in this shelter and then what? I get just survival but they’re just going to starve to death sooner or later anyway.
• Zoe’s doll’s string gets caught on a bolt and her dumbshit parents just stare at the string. Fucking try to grab it at least, assheads.
• And the Breathers are trying to break through their hatch and they’re all screaming at each other. That’ll surely keep them away.
• I’m very puzzled why Ray had to rip their water fountain out of the ground like the Chief in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Just so he could get a pipe to beat the Breather with? I guess he’s barring the hatch with it maybe? I don’t know, this movie’s too dark and I can’t see.

• I actually think this is just a raccoon.
• Zoe just looked directly at the camera. Nice job.
• Claire just set the place on fire again, great thinking, then what?
• Do they not have one weapon?
• So their plan is to escape to the surface, where the Breathers live and breathe.
• Ray dislocated is shoulder like Martin Riggs so he could fit through the grate opening.
• Didn’t do a lot of good because the Breathers breathe his ass real good.
• STOP FUCKING SCREAMING ALL THE TIME YOU GODDAMN BUTTSHITS.
• So the Breathers are just soldiers in masks? This is fucking ridiculous.
• It’s seriously just this town that’s quarantined? They provided no explanation for any of this.
• Hold on, why have the family been calling them “Breathers” this whole time when they knew that they were military? The sole reason is just so the audience would think that they’re monsters and this twist could happen.

• Ah so the family were the infected monsters this whole time and their super mutant strength activated when they got super pissed. But they were always screaming?
• So this is just the Rage virus from 28 Days L8er Sk8er?
• Why is the military still looking for survivors almost a year later after they bombed the entire town to oblivion? It’s not like they knew that these three people survived.
• Well not Ray anymore.
• Oh good the whole town lives in the sewer now. Again, the military had no way of assuming all these people survived.

What year?!: Every year.

Who are the Enemies?: This family.

What Happened to the Earth?: An unexplained rage virus some how confined to one small town.

Final Thoughts: This is basically an extra long episode of The Twilight Zone after the Duffer Brothers watched all of M. Knight Shyamalan’s worst movies. The twist was semi-OK for a second but each second after that it gets more and more dumb. Much like myself. Recommended for annoying kids, annoying dolls, Peaches (the musician), and people who have trouble breathing through their noses.

Score: 4 Ragged Breaths (out of 10)