Schlocktoberfest XVI – Day 17: 1990: The Bronx Warriors

1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Warriors run afoul of The Bronx in 1990.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

How about a few more skull rings there, bro? Do you have a skull cock ring too?
Vic Morrow starring in a movie set in the future. He was ahead of his time.
Fred “The Williams” Hammerson! His second feature this month!
Looooooooot of Italian names in the crew credits. So far that has produced less than ideal results.
Frank Sinatra?
This Italian man’s blonde wig was an excellent choice.
So in this movie, not all of New York is considered off limits, just the Bronx. I like the sharper focus.
Roller hockey gang! It’s good to have goals in life.
The Riders have lit-up skulls on their motorcycles, which is completely awesome, but they also have Nazi symbolism on their clothing, so fuck these guys, which you can safely apply to all Nazis.
I like the two blades coming out of the motorcycle. I used to have the same thing on my first Huffy. Those poor dogs…
Did this fight scene go into slow motion just so we could get to a 90-minute runtime?
I suppose this is more of a dystopian society than post-apocalyptic. Or actually just one very localized dystopian society.
Ah, the Twin Towers. Great. At least you know this wasn’t 100% filmed in a cave in Puglia.
Does this guy dressed like Shaggy playing the drums for no reason realize he’s holding the sticks backwards?
Now for a summit between the Riders and some like ’30s gangster hot rod pimps. Their shtick isn’t all that clear.
Seems like Trash (another Trash!) is the leader of the Riders even though he looks like he just started shaving.
Fred “The Hammer” Williamson plays Ogre, leader of the hot rod pimps, and I hope his entire contribution to the film isn’t just sitting in the back of this car smoking a cigarillo.
Seems like The Riders are the protagonists, but they’re Nazis, so fuck these guys with a jagged handlebar. I hope they get their asses beat at every opportunity.
So this woman Ann ran away from her wealthy life in Manhattan to the Bronx for some reason. You couldn’t run away to The Maldives or something?
There’s another character named Hammer? Now that’s just confusing for football fans and carpentry enthusiasts.

Trash, I know there aren’t a ton of clean women around, but Ann is coming off wayyyy to desperate and clingy. She’s going to suffocate you! Which is fine, because you’re a Nazi.
And the cops are dressed up like the Gestapo. Did the director have all these costumes just laying around his house?
So the Riders just spraypainted the word “SHIT” on the cops’ windshield and that was it, end of scene. What an intimidating gang led by a high school sophomore.
There’s Vic Morrow. Be careful, the Riders are driving choppers!
Ohhh he’s infiltrating their shithole hideout with a shotgun. He’s my hero!
It’s funny this is Vic Morrow’s last finished movie. Way to go out. He almost fully finished Twilight Zone, but he got cut off.
There was just an edit that briefly faded to black. Nicely done.
They keep talking about a gizmo, so I think Joe Dante owes these producers a lot of money.
This funeral pyre scene is longer than the last 26 funerals I attended combined.
I love that the Bronx is supposed to be a lawless no man’s land but occasionally in the background you see some perfectly functional buildings and normal traffic flow, even over the bridges to Manhattan.
If the Riders are trying to throw these cremated ashes in the river they’re doing a piss poor job. They’re going to be washing their friends out of their hair for a while. If they ever wash their hair again.
Apparently Vic Morrow is overdubbed by someone else because when it was time to do the dubbing for literally every actor in this movie he was already dead. So, just a heads up.
The Roller Hockey Boys again? Did they not have any other costumes? I thought this would be like The Warriors with a bunch of different colorful gangs but it seems there are only three. Where’s the Rock Steady Crew??

Wait the roller hockey gang is called The Zombies? In what context?
Ok now Trash is going after Ann after the Zombies took her and they mention having to fight their way through multiple gangs, so maybe we’re still on track for that Warriors ripoff.
Apparently they cast Trash because they saw him at the gym and he’s a beefcake and they figured it was all going to be overdubbed anyway, but every scene with him is jarring that this teenager is supposed to be the leader of this hardcore biker gang.
The Zombies are both karate and roller hockey? Pick a theme, fellas!
OK A DANCE TROUPE GANG, NOW WE’RE TALKING!
There’s like 20 people in The Riders but Trash only brought two of them with him?
And they get their asses kicked. Great start, guys.
This part is simply delightful. I wish the movie was about these dancers (The Iron Men!) instead of the Riders.
Here’s another gang of underground dirtbags called The Scavengers. They’re no Iron Men
HAHAHA one of the Riders (Hans, who’s a traitor, and a Nazi) just seemed to legit crash his motorcycle. That was the best action scene so far.

One of the other Riders goes after Trash to warn him about Hans’s treachery and ends up in The Scavengers lair, but he didn’t have to go through the Iron Men first? Maybe Trash cleared the way for all the Riders, and he just had to get his hand stamped.
The hot rod pimp gang is called The Tigers. That’s the best you could come up with?
If Trash is there to see Ogre why is he sneaking around?
Why is his name Ogre anyway? Does he hate nerds?
Hammer and Hotdog should’ve had their own buddy movie.
There have been a few more fade transitions and it’s so weird, like it’s a made for TV movie but no TV studio would ask for this.
Very touching moment between Trash and his dying Leather Man buddy.
Why are the Scavengers dressed like ghouls anyway?
THE PRESIDENT GUY TELLS VIC MORROW IF HE DOESN’T GET THE GIRL HE’LL HAVE HIS HEAD HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!
THEN VIC MORROW SAYS WE’LL FLY HER IN IN A HELICOPTER OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH MAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

Golem, the leader of the Zombies, is dressed exactly like Sho’Nuff. But Sho’Nuff never had roller hockey henchmen. And Golem also has Richard Simmons henchmen.
I truly don’t understand if the traitor guy’s name is Hans or Ice, but I do understand that I don’t care.
Well that was a really quick and disappointing fight between everyone.
Here’s a shot of a helicopter hovering by a river. LOOK OUT VIC.
Ogre made Ann a birthday cake with the Twin Towers on it. This is all too much.
The director must’ve gotten a great deal on flamethrowers. I’m surprised they didn’t light the birthday candles with one.
I love that the Gestapo is killing everyone in the gangs and Vic Morrow is laughing maniacally down a hole even though he wouldn’t be able to see a whole lot from that vantage point.
Ogre nooooo!! I guess there could only be one Hammer in the Bronx.
Well they killed Ann so I guess this whole operation is moot.
Vic got harpooned by Trash while he was yelling maniacally some more. He should’ve kept his head about him.

What year?!: I have no idea. There’s just no indication.

Who are the Enemies?: Nazis… wait, they’re the good guys in this?? Shit…

What Happened to the Earth?: Apparently after all the landlords set fire to their Bronx tenements they closed it off and only the lamest Nazis stayed behind to form colorful gangs and make money, somehow?

Final Thoughts: Even though this is a ripoff of a dozen different better movies, it’s not without its charms. Having an 18-year-old who spits all of his dialogue is fascinating, and of course Fred Williamson and Vic Morrow are always welcome, although I have no idea why they signed up for this. But I was really hoping for more fun times from the gangs in this, and they all fell pretty flat except the Iron Men, who only fall flat when their choreography calls for it. So all in all, fairly entertaining in an odd way. Recommended for roller bladers, hot rod pimps, hammerers, hotdoggers, and human trash.

Score: 5.5 Hammers (out of 10)