Schlocktoberfest XVI – Day 31: Waterworld (Special Triple Horn Halloween Review)

Waterworld (1995)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: World runs afoul of polar ice caps and most of Earth’s dry land is gone. One girl has the key to where dryland is and it’s up to a human/fish mutant to rescue her from sadistic chainsmokers.

Here are some of our observations as we watched the film:

Jim: Let me start off by saying that making fun of this movie is like making fun of the Star Wars Holiday Special at this point.
Brad: The best part of the flick right here when the Universal globe shows the erosion of the Earth’s land to make some sort of water world of some sort.
Jim: Longest Universal Pictures intro ever.
Brian: Stating the obvious, but I don’t think the polar ice caps melting would cover the entire Earth in water. Also, climate change is a hoax.
Brad: I never realized Hal Douglas did the opening narration! In a world….a waterworld.
Jim: That’s the fucking announcer from the Seinfeld trailer.
Brian: I’d like to think this is a planet where the wet bandits went on a worldwide robbing spree.
Jim: What do flat earthing cunts think of this movie?
Brian: You ever tried to cover a basketball with water? Your move, Jim.
Brad: Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink. Unless it’s Kevin Costner’s piss, then bottom’s up!
Brian: Out of all the post-apocalyptic movies I’ve watched this month, very few of them have made piss look more appetizing.

Brad: Now I hardly remember anything from this flick except that Costner had webbed feet, the little kid had a map tattooed on her back, Dennis Hopper’s weird eyepatch, and Jeanne Tripplehorn’s ass. But I also remember not hating it so I’m trying to enjoy this one this time.
Jim: When you hear a harmonica, it’s always good to see one.
Brian: Why would he even need shoes?
Brad: Why does his little lime tree get the backwashed spit water? It’s practically piss (rather, it will be)
Brad: Cute. He has the same bead bracelet maker that my girls had when they were 7.
Brad: It was a timer of some sort? Okie doke. But he’s 15 beads late!
Jim: Kevin Costner can’t stay down with three barrels. Not with three barrels he can’t!
Brad: A poxy on both your houses!
Brian: What exactly did he mean by “take it off”?
Brad: So in this apocalyptic world water isn’t a commodity but dirt is. Wacky world!
Jim: What language is this?
Brad: Sounds like Native American. I’m getting Last of the Mohicans vibes now.
Brad: Atoll? Bikini Atoll?
Jim: Nothing’s free in Waterworld. Not even the water.
Brian: I can’t believe they actually fucking call it Waterworld in the movie.
Brad: Referring it as Waterworld is very silly. Although the name of our planet is essentially another word for Dirt.
Brad: And what a Dirtworld it is.
Brian: Is that lead jet ski guy Mel Brooks?
Jim: Even in the future everyone on a jet ski is a fucking asshole.
Brad: I like Kevin Costner, always did, but damn is he miscast in a lot of his movies. This flick, Robin Hood (same director as this), The Bodyguard, Wyatt Earp, the corpse in The Big Chill.

Brian: It’s funny because the director hated working with Costner on Robin Hood, but somehow they got back together for this ($), and he ended up hating Costner even more. They should’ve used Andy Sidaris.
Brad: That foreign accented sailor lied and he did board Costner’s trimaran and stole some fruit from that lime plant. He’s probably going to bag up a bunch of fruit to sell off the highway.
Jim: At least those limes might prevent scurvy.
Brad: Is the foreigner guy wearing a colander as a hat?
Brian: Why did they just give up going after Kevin Costner?
Brad: Maybe they’re ICE. Or Water-ICE.
Jim: That was a lot of work for nothing.
Brad: He totally fucked up that foreigner guy by destroying his skiff and leaving him to the other pirates. Is it safe to say that everyone in this flick is a pirate? Is this technically a pirate flick?
Jim: Welcome to The Road Warrior on water.
Brad: The Wave Warrior would’ve made a great title.
Brian: But that’s trademarked by Lance Burkhart.
Brad: Someone should redo this flick’s soundtrack and replace James Newton Howard’s score with nothing but Yacht Rock and Jimmy Buffett.
Brian: “I have a bucket of my own dried shit to trade!”
Brad: DIRT! There’s dirt in dem dar hills!
Jim: In a world where dirt is the most valued substance on the planet…
Brian: How the fuck would they even start to build this place? It makes zero sense.
Brad: Did they just dump that old lady’s dead body in split pea soup?
Jim: When you die here, you’re thrown into quicksand?
Brian: It seems like it’s a slurry of human flesh that they then eat? At least, I’d like to think so.
Brad: Terrorizing kids with sun glares is Costner’s idea of fun.
Brian: I guess they still have shampoo and conditioner in this world?
Brad: “Pure dirt.” As opposed to synthetic dirt?
Brian: What else would be in the dirt to make it impure?
Brad: Someone should be forced to snort some dirt to test it.
Brad: “30 horizons west of here.” Horizon is a unit of measurement now? How does that work exactly?
Brian: There are three major gangs in this: The Jokers, The Smokers, and The Midnight Tokers.
Brad: They call water Hydro now? Hail Hydro!
Jim: Isn’t this more or less the plot of The Ice Pirates?
Brad: Dryland’s a myth!

Brian: Now, say what you want about this movie, but the fact that it’s a set and practical effects for the most part is fucking awesome.
Jim: This really is a dirt mall.
Brad: Why’d that fella with the amazing blonde locks say Skoal to Jeanne Tripplehorn? Does she sell chewing tobacco?
Brad: Tripplehorn’s name is Helen which to be honest I think they missed a great opportunity to name her Brandy (She’s a Fine Girl)
Brian: Who else is going to navigate this water-covered hellscape? Helen??!
Brad: His voice and look, especially his hair has to have been inspired by Zartan from G.I. Joe (Is this our third G.I. Joe reference this month? Holy moly)
Jim: They couldn’t get any other actress for the female lead? No offense Tripplehorn.
Brad: I always admired Jeanne Tripplehorn and found her incredibly attractive. In fact, I tossed off more to her scenes in Basic Instinct than the Sharon Stone scenes.
Brad: I never realized that Enola, the map tattoo girl is Tina Majorino, who played Deb in Napoleon Dynamite. (Second mention of Napoleon Dynamite this month)

Brad: I like the idea of Enola having the map on her back but it’s extra creepy when these old men are leering at her bare back.
Brad: “Why are you talking to me?” That was basically me when I worked in a corporate office.
Brad: Chits are currency in Waterworld. Mo Chits, Mo Shits.
Brian: Their system of currency is bullchit.
Brad: What the fuck is a chit anyway? You couldn’t just call currency credits or shells?
Brad: This outpost’s elders are pimping out their young daughter to Costner. Art imitating life?
Jim: The “Knock Up My Daughter Before You Leave Please” routine didn’t work.
Brian: Mariner sounds like a cool name, but isn’t everyone on this planet technically a mariner?
Brad: Hey! It’s Rick Aviles, Mad Dog in Cannonball Run and Willie Lopez from Ghost! He died in 1995 so it’s safe to assume this movie killed him.

Brian: “Where are the hookers?” Get it, like fish hooks…
Jim: Costner is the Gill-Man!
Brad: Mutant-phobia is a big problem in Waterworld apparently.
Brian: I’m a little unclear on what the big problem with him being a mutant is.
Brad: Again with getting caught in a net this month. And again, if Mariner swam down under the net and then away he wouldn’t get caught in it. But nope he goes up into the net! And he’s a gill-man for crying out loud!
Jim: This isn’t Vietnam, this is Waterworld—there are rules here.
Brad: Michael Jeter?! How’d he get involved in this?
Jim: Michael Jeter had a helluva run in the 1990’s.
Brad: I love how Enola’s map tattoo is a circle symbolizing the globe with a mountain at the top and an arrow pointing at it. There’s a lot of Chinese characters but I doubt any of these Atollers can understand much reading at all. ATOLL!

Jim: Leave the pure hydro. Just walk away.
Brian: Why does this guy from the Shawshank Redemption have an accent? They are all from the same place.
Brad: So Mariner has gills and webbed feet. Does he have a fish dick as well?
Brad: Jeter says “Fish Rot” as a swear word. I mean they shouldn’t be saying bullshit or horseshit since those animals are unknown to them. But have the balls to say Fishshit once in a while. Or Bull Sharkshit!
Brad: According to this film’s Making Of book, the year this is supposed to take place is the-not-too-distant-future 2500 AD.
Brad: They are calling Mariner the very offensive term of Muto. Apparently he’s a Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organism.
Jim: The Mariner is gonna be recycled? We’re back in Logan’s Run again?
Brad: The Mariner is going to be “Recycled.” He will be processed into tuna fish cans.
Brian: I guess they call them Smokers because they suck so much dick?

Brad: I appreciate how this flick really doesn’t have an CGI. The ships and other water vessels in this water battle look great actually.
Brad: The killer water skiing unit is not as intimidating as they think.
Jim: The bad guys look like intermission at SeaWorld.
Brad: I feel like we’re going to see someone riding a dolphin soon.
Jim: It’s Dennis Hopper everyone, fresh off his award winning run as the villain in Super Mario Brothers.
Brian: I love Dennis Hopper, but Cameron Mitchell would’ve been perfect in this role.
Brad: They have a ramp boat for the water skiers to use to jump over the walls of the Atoll. Why didn’t they just parachute or glide over the walls if they have an airplane?!
Jim: The fucking nineties suh-hucked.
Brad: I’m waiting for the Wilhelm scream.
Jim: Welcome to the Waterworld stunt spectacular.
Brad: Where’s Shamu when you need him?!
Jim: Could you ever live with yourself if you lost in a fight with a bunch of fucking water skiers?
Brad: Michael Jeter is this film’s Caractacus Potts it seems.
Jim: Seems Dr. Doolittle activated the escape pod by accident.
Brad: Chits? Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?! It’s all connected!

Brad: I hope Dennis Hopper channels Frank Booth more in this flick.
Jim: Costner’s mutant swim is fucking cool.
Brad: TO THE GATES!
Brian: Smegma Smokers to the left! Gayboy Smokezerkers to the right!
Jim: I hope Dennis Hopper was as high making this as I am watching it.
Jim: There was no need for that jet ski to explode.
Brad: The ol’ cut-one-bowline-to-lift-skyward-Errol-Flynn-stunt still holds up. Maybe later he’ll imitate Sloth and use a knife to slowly descend a sail.
Brad: Come to think of it, why did they breach the walls from above instead of going underneath the gates?
Brad: Enola is already getting on my nerves. I could’ve sworn that she was a mute when I watched this 30 years ago.
Brian: I KNOW! I was surprised when she talked at first. She’s actually the opposite of a mute because she never shuts the fuck up. Weird.
Jim: If Enola’s last name is Gay, I’m turning this off.
Jim: These aquatic Lost Boys leave a lot to be desired.
Brad: Hahahaha. The Chuck vs. calling him Charles bit is actually surprisingly funny.
Brad: How do they have this much ammunition anyway?!
Brad: “You can assume that we’re all having a real lousy day.” Well we are watching Waterworld so yeah.
Jim: Gotta keep an eye out for that freak—because he lost his eye. Get it?
Brad: Go Juice? Again, I’m gonna have to mention Sabrina Carpenter again.
Brian: How would Dennis Hopper’s missing eye not get completely infected and kill him?
Brad: “He’s got the slits” I’d like to see Tripplehorn’s slits if you catch my drift.
Brad: Hahaha, a “fluke” of evolution! Was that pun intended?
Brian: Most people in this movie have great skin despite being exposed to the elements all the time.
Brad: I don’t recall Hopper being this silly and humorous in this. Not complaining.
Brad: He’s not channeling his Frank Booth as much as his Bowser from Super Mario Bros.
Brad: The Deez? DEEEEEZ NUTS!
Brad: Man, Jeanne is looking mighty fine right now. There won’t be any dryland if I had a chance with her. She’s making me triple-horny.
Brian: Don’t creamme your jeannes.
Brad: I agree with Mariner, toss the kid overboard.

Jim: Tripplehorn’s body double has a nice ass.
Brad: I never knew that Tripplehorn used a body double. For just her bare ass on screen? Didn’t she get railed over a couch by Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct but now she has cold (wet) feet? Boo!
Brad: If the year is in fact around 2500 I’m shocked that that box of crayons still survived this long. Surprised Enola didn’t try to eat one.
Brian: I’d like to think the Mariner turned down the hookers and Helen just because he’s the gayest man left on the planet.
Brad: So the gill-man isn’t interested in getting his dick wet? Maybe he’s waiting for the right porpoise.

Brad: He’s not getting any octopussy now after he whacks her with an oar. That ship has sailed.
Jim: The stunts in this movie were quite awesome have to say.
Brad: Hopper has a new peeper, let’s see how it loo…..ahhhhh! Barely even noticeable.
Brian: As the viewer, I get the “short game” joke, but how the fuck would he know what golf is?
Brian: Don’t forget to clip “It does look like shit” for all future posts.
Jim: Who wrote and punched up the comedy in this film? Some of it kinda works.
Brad: Most likely some dude named Joss.
Brad: Is that the Peter Gunn/Spyhunter theme playing? This flick should have nothing but sea shanties in the soundtrack.

Jim: Driving around in a junker with a bumper sticker that says “Nuke the whales” while the theme to Peter Gunn plays. This is not the Blues Brothers you heartless bastards.
Brad: Deacon is just throwing out free cigarettes while he drives past the assembly lines at this factory. He’s truly a man of the people.
Brian: After 500 years wouldn’t these cigarettes be stale and moldy?
Brad: Now are they called Smokers because they like to smoke?

Jim: They have Gollum keeping track of the oil levels I see.
Brad: It’s old man Withers! What’s he doing down there!?
Brian: How would that guy that’s floating in the oil not have asphyxiated by now?
Brad: He keeps a very frail and elderly man down in a hole to keep track of how much crude oil is left. OK, but can’t they just lower down a dip stick? A very very very long dip stick.
Brian: I got your very very very long dip stick RIGHT HERE.
Jim: Go Juice as it were, is almost that expensive here in the shit fuck present.
Brad: Hahaha. It just dawned on me that they are on an oil tanker and he’s encouraging everyone to smoke cigarettes.
Brad: I would’ve thought they would be in Mar-A-Lago.

Jim: Is this going to turn into a getting to know and like you montage?
Brad: I can’t believe we’ve only referenced Jaws a couple of times so far.
Brian: It seems that Costner has some kind of accent too, but it’s hard to tell, like most of his movies not set in Texas, although they could be floating over Dallas right now.
Jim: This boat needs an Italian cook, you don’t eat tomato plant leaves Kevin.
Brian: Do none of these Smoker vehicles ever need parts for repairs? Where would they possibly get them from?
Brad: Mariner really hates Enola’s drawings. They are kinda crappy.
Brian: I don’t really blame the Mariner here, Helen and Enola are incredibly annoying.

Brad: Mariner does his best Robert Wagner impression by tossing Enola off the side of his trimaran. No lie, I was thinking of doing the same thing if I was in his webbed feet.
Brad: She can’t swim? In Waterworld?! Honestly, that’s all on her.
Brad: I’m actually shocked he picked them up.
Jim: Can’t you out run them Mariner? I thought you said this thing was fast.
Brian: Wait, was that Jack Black?
Brad: I had zero idea he was in this. Must mean Kyle Gass has to also make an appearance. Maybe as a wise old Humanatee that reads Enola’s map for them.
Jim: Your turn Quint.
Jim: Great shot Helen, that was one in a million.
Brad: Has Helen ever even touched a gun much less a tethered harpoon cannon in her life? What? All the time you say, well that makes sense how she bullseyes not only the plane but the gunner as well. 
Brad: Good to know that Jack Black would be able to take down an AT-AT. Better than Dak Ralter anyway.
Brian: Why exactly is cutting their hair off the punishment?
Brad: Maybe he’s going to make a sail with their hair? Or turn it into rope or a new stylish shirt?
Jim: Mutineers are punished with receiving lesbian haircuts on this vessel.
Brad: SMEAT? Whatever happened to SPAM?

Brad: I wonder if they have SLURM to drink?
Brad: Oh you want food eh? How about some lovely SMEAT?
Jim: Kim Coates in the water ya’ll! Doing his best Robin Williams-Jamaican-Irish accent.
Brian: Does the Mariner not have a constant system to catch fish to eat, like dragging a net through the water at all times? Did he just use that giant harpoon?
Brad: In Waterworld no one has ever heard that old adage: Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.
Brian: Teach a man to fish and all those future fish deaths are on YOU.
Brian: Who exactly are we supposed to be rooting for in this movie? Everyone’s annoying and the Mariner is like a domestic abuser.
Brad: He’s also doing a bad Robin Williams comedy rant.

Brad: Does he want the women to fuck or to eat?
Jim: The paper is considered extremely valuable, but no one takes the time to marvel at everything that’s used for storage.
Brad: That’s a torn out page from a Good Housekeeping magazine from 1999!
Brian: Sure, I guess the paper is cool and all, but what the fuck is he going to do with it?
Jim: A couple of pages of an old woman’s magazine is worth 30 minutes of fucking. Good to know.
Brian: I can’t believe we’re continuing this month’s tradition with a sexual assault scene. I don’t think any of these characters are Italian.
Brad: Mariner asks for a refund. Apparently that paper wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on.
Brad: Something tells me that this scene could’ve been deleted completely.
Brad: No wonder Coates was going hungry, his rod and reel is useless! As well as his fishing pole!
Brad: I wonder if The Mariner can actually talk to fish.

Jim: The old use yourself as bait to catch a mutant shark trick.
Brian: I understand he’s a fishman, but how did he avoid getting impaled on all that creature’s teeth?
Jim: Ooof. Mid-nineties CG.
Brad: Wouldn’t have been easier to use a large net while he’s being dragged behind the boat?
Jim: There are a lot of Jaws rip-off shots in this.

Brad: You would think Sushi and seaweed would be like steak and potatoes in Waterworld. Not a Benihana in sight!
Brian: What exactly is he burning for this fire? There’s no wood.
Jim: Bonding over barbecued fish blubber—a common plot device.
Brian: That thing was like twice the size of Jaws, its eyebrows were only the size of grapes?
Brad: It’s been a long time since I last had eyeball.

Brad: So if The Mariner’s a fish/man mutant, was he born on land or in the sea? Was his mother fucked by a seabass? Or was his dad fucking mermaids?
Brad: “Never met a person who couldn’t swim before.” Yeah because it’s beyond asinine not to learn how in a world that is 98% water.
Brian: I was confused by this too but I think the point they’re trying to make is [SPOILER] because she’s originally from dry land. Even though it’s still surrounded by water, so it still makes no sense. Maybe her dexterity is just total garbage.
Brad: Nice moon shot! Are they ripping off Joe vs. The Volcano now?
Brad: That’s not a mirror works at all, ATOLL!
Jim: I’m in my 50’s and I still can’t open my eyes underwater. That is all.
Brad: Why does this tender swimming underwater moment feel so fucking 90s?
Jim: Portugreek is the name of the weird language in case you were wondering.
Brad: I can’t make sense of what he’s saying, it’s all Portugreek to me.
Brad: The Mariner is falling for the same ruse as the Wet Bandits did, when Kevin rigged up that fake party with cardboard Michael Jordan.
Jim: The bad guys are implementing the only-to-be-used-in-a-pinch tactic of Weekend At Bernie’s corpse animation.

Brad: I never saw the appeal of Jet-Skis. They are basically water motorcycles but no one uses them to go from location to location so basically they are more like BMX bikes since they are nothing more than water toys for speed enthusiasts. Or those large fuzzy animals you can ride at the mall.
Jim: I fucking hate jet skis.
Brad: It was fascinating to me that Costner attempted to be an action star in the 90s. I mean, if Bruce Willis can do it, Costner could too. But after this, he stopped right?
Jim: If the whole planet is water, where are all the sharks?
Brad: I know right? The amount of aquatic animals is quite lacking in this. You would think a planet that is 95% water the fish life would thrive!
Brian: Yeah it’s a real oversight that besides the one creature he catches with his entire body there really isn’t another aquatic animal to be found. Maybe the Mariner already ate them all.

Brad: Now’s not the time for kite-flying Mariner.
Jim: If you’re out of Red Apples, smoke Black Death gents.
Brad: I finally looked up who plays this blonde mullet fella and he is played by Gerald Murphy. Yes, that Gerald Murphy!
Jim: I won’t say that the acting in this is terrible, but it does seem a little stiff.
Brad: “I’ve seen it. I’ve touched it! Dirt that was richer and darker than yours.” Are we still talking about dirt?
Brad: Yeah, he has things you’ve never seen before—they’re called junk sweetheart. Maybe if you left your little Atoll, you’d see such wonders yourself.
Brian: What does he even have this submersible bubble? What other purpose would it serve?
Brad: Is the Mariner taking her through Waterworld’s inner core?

Brad: Oh shit, there’s the Titanic. And there’s James Cameron in a submersible.
Brian: Sure, he has gills and everything, but wouldn’t he still implode from diving this deep?
Brad: I want to make an OceanGate joke but it’s just too much pressure.
Jim: Four scientists vaporized instantly in that sub implosion, but Helen in a basket and some plastic is just fine.
Brian: Seems to be wasting a ton of flares he can never get back to prove a point here.
Jim: Welcome to Denver by the way.

Brad: Denver? You sure it’s not Chicago?!
Brian: Denver has more life to it in this movie than it does in reality.
Jim: That’s the emptiest you’ll ever see a ski lift in Colorado.
Jim: Tripplehorn has a nice rack.
Brad: “I’ll breathe for both of us!” Yeah, good luck surviving underwater breathing in The Mariner’s sardine breath and CO2.
Jim: “I’ll breathe for both of us” is this film’s “I will find you.”
Brian: How would those markers possibly be in working condition?
Brad: Can’t they just replicate the map tattoo? I know paper is scarce but obviously there are crayons and it looks like Deacon even has a marker, so they really don’t need to keep the girl once they get a copy of the map. And that would save us from seeing Hopper ask a little girl to sit on his lap.

Brian: I know Deacon is kind of nuts, but he clearly was there when his own guy shot the boat and blew it up, and that’s how he lost his eye.
Jim: Whenever you tell someone that they aren’t gonna be saved, they’re about to be saved.
Brian: How are anyone’s teeth intact in this movie? They don’t have any type of dental hygiene.
Brad: Yes. Now’s a perfect time to fuck.

Jim: National Geographic magazine is going to survive for hundreds of years, rest easy.
Brad: Does the Mariner have any old copies of Tail & Sail?
Brian: The Mariner should know what a fucking tree is already though, right? They had a big one at the atoll before.
Brad: So it seems that Mariner is amazed or confused why Enola is drawing terrestrial things like trees and horses and he compares the drawings with images in an old National Geographic magazine. But if he’s seen what a tree is from those images, surely other people around the globe also know of such things.

Brian: Wait, he was making a big deal out of paper before but he has magazines? How would they still be intact after 500 years underwater?
Brad: No way, Michael Jeter has been floating around the sky this whole time. And speaking of, Where in hell did he get helium or hydrogen or whatever that is lifting him up?
Jim: Jeter with the deus ex machina.
Brian: Why would Gregor assume the smoke was the Mariner’s boat? Those fucking guys are called Smokers for a reason.
Brad: Amazing that Jeter’s Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines dirigible can hold three adults and still fly.
Brad: Man, these Atollers are assholers.
Brian: What would make a difference if the tattoo was flat? It’s on her back, it’s not like she has a hunchback or something.
Brad: In all honesty I had to look up who Capt. Joe Hazelwood is. I was in 5th grade when the Valdez disaster happened and I haven’t thought about it since. I especially didn’t know who he was in 1995. But I think it’s fantastic that this film is throwing more salt on the wound and still shaming Hazelwood. He was alive in 1995 and I’d love to have seen the look on that guy’s face if he ever watched this movie while the villains revere him as a saint.
Brad: Also, I’m ashamed that I didn’t put Deez and Valdez together until now.
Brad: ValdEEEEEZ NUTS!

Jim: A reminder to say fuck you to the Exxon Valdez.
Brian: Nord looks like Grizzlor from He-Man.
Brad: So the underwater city that Mariner showed Helen was Denver and the Valdez is off of Alaska—that’s quite the nautical miles apart. I guess it really isn’t Denver then?
Jim: I don’t know why, but I’m thinking of the movie Krull right now. Maybe it’s the cinematography.
Brad: That rammed hard by a jet-ski death looked brutal actually.
Brad: It’s Horse! Horseshit!
Brad: Ram it!
Jim: Deacon went full-on Captain Hook.
Brad: I thought he was going to say the sweet flavor of Marlboro. Welcome to flavor country. It keeps with the smoking theme plus it’s hilarious and I can totally see Deacon saying it. Maybe it’s on the Ulysses Cut.

Jim: It’s like leveling up in a video game at this point. You kill people and take their ammo = Waterworld or Fortnite?
Brian: Why doesn’t the Mariner just let them cut the tattoo off her back and then take her with him? Win/win for everyone.
Brad: Jeez Enola, if he’s all that great why doncha just marry the gill-man already!
Jim: That’s one helluva build up Enola—that might be a tall order Nordberg.
Brad: Hopper is rocking the spray tan better than our dear Shitler-in-chief.
Jim: It’s a good thing Hopper didn’t overact too much in this.
Jim: Is that Flea as the Rowmaster?
Brad: They’re rowing the Deez? That’ll take years just to go across one gulf!
Brad: “A turd that won’t flush.” To be honest, I’ve heard better insults.
Jim: Christ, people didn’t smoke this much in Mad Men.

Brad: The Mariner calls his shot! He’s calling his shot!
Brad: “You know, I thought you were stupid, my friend. But I underestimated you. You’re a total freakin’ retard.” Hahahaha.
Jim: I forgot you could still say retard in 1995.
Brad: I’m gonna blow up The Deez René!
Jim: That proton torpedo went right down that exhaust port into the oil. Kaboom.
Brad: That old man deep in the tanks whispers “Oh Thank God!” when he knows death is going to bite him in the ass. And it’s hilarious.
Jim: This is what Aquaman still doesn’t get. Sure the world is covered mostly with water, but all of the fucking action is on land fish-fucker.

Brad: I just noticed the large sign that says “No Smoking” on the Deez.
Jim: Looks like they edited out a really shitty one liner from Costner before he shot the blond guy.
Brad: It should’ve been “Smoke this!”

Brian: Good thing that grappling hook just happened to be there for him to slide down.
Jim: Grappling hook wire swing. Check. All we have left to do is shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level.
Brad: It was quite the gamble taking down that plane with Enola still inside.
Brad: I wonder if there was any Waterworld action figures? Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves did and they actually repurposed the Ewok village playset for the Sherwood Forest village. I would imagine Waterworld would repurpose the G.I. Joe USS Flagg but no one would get it because it’s A. Waterworld and B. Still a fortune! [Editor Note: They did make action figures!]
Brad: Looking on eBay for a USS Flagg and I never knew the admiral was named Keel Haul. That’s hysterical!
Jim: That was the sweet hug, and “You call this archeology?” scene.
Brad: Man, there’s still like 20 minutes left? Now I know why I haven’t rewatched this in over 30 years.
Brad: Why did Deacon try to shoot Enola or did he plan on shooting one of the mooring lines? The real question is why didn’t he shoot the actual balloon?
Brad: Don’t wait for me!

Brian: Where did his boots go when he jumped?
Brad: The Mariner invents Bungie Jumping and the future of Waterworld is all the better for it.
Brian: How did he know the rope would bungee like that? Just looks like a normal rope it would’ve just ripped his foot off.
Jim: Best bungee dive ever.
Brad: I give it a 8.6
Jim: We needed one more big kaboom.
Brad: I’m not even going to analyze or critique Michael Jeter’s geological logic here with the map. Fuck it.
Jim: Just like in The Road Warrior, in a world without fuel—we keep driving (in this case flying) around looking for it.
Jim: The matte shots look like they’re leftovers from Bespin.
Jim: I think it’s only said in the expended cut, but Dryland is Mount Everest.
Brad: Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.
Jim: They found the remains of Gilligan and Skipper finally after all these years. Or is it Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru? Stop me before I sub-reference Star Wars again.
Brad: Guy, whose name we were never give, invents religious burials. Cool.
Brian: What exactly happened to Enola’s parents here? AIDS?
Brad: But do you know who did die of AIDS? Rick Aviles.
Brad: It must be nice being at such peace that you die next your loved one and just pass slowly away like that. We’d be lucky not having some redneck with an AR-15 mow us down at the local Walmart these days.
Brad: Come to think of it, this flick was very vague with names for characters and I don’t understand why.
Jim: Wild horses couldn’t keep me here.
Brad: Shit. Do any of you know how to farm? Dammit!
Brad: There’s really no need for this “epilogue” is there. The movie could’ve ended with them discovering dryland from the dirigible and them being happy and amazed. The End.

Jim: With a name like Mariner, did you really think he’d like it here? Did he even give the place a chance?
Jim: If they were going for an Old Yeller/Lassie kind of ending—they missed.
Brad: This is the Mariner’s Shane moment.
Jim: We’ve all suffered a case of land sickness haven’t we?
Brian: It makes zero sense why he doesn’t stay. It’s an island, the ocean is still out there everywhere.
Brad: Isn’t he technically an Amphibian? He could stay there if he really wanted to. But Enola is such a pest he’d rather sail Waterworld and drink his own piss.
Jim: He can always come back now that he knows how to get there right? What’s with all the sadness?
Brian: I guess Helen and Enola are going to repopulate this island with these two dudes and their children and their children’s children.

What year?!: 2500

Who are the Enemies: Joe Camel, The Marlboro Man, Exxon, wet wellingtons.

What Happened to the Earth?: Global Warming due to climate change melted the polar ice caps, and it obviously killed all of the screenwriters.

Final Thoughts: I think at the time this movie was made it was the most expensive and bombed horribly. And unfortunately all this overshadowed the movie itself. Like I said, I never hated this movie but, and I’m not sure I totally agree with this comparison, like Avatar just isn’t worth the long-standing accolades nor any cult status. This is basically a nothing burger of a film. Empty calories of a film if you will. It won’t make you hate it but there’s really nothing worth taking from it either. Although I do laud the filmmakers for doing something about climate change/global warming way back in 1995 however, the film needed something that it was lacking and I’m not sure really what that is. While I had fun rewatching this (all three of us were kinda apprehensive about revisiting this movie) I couldn’t help but think that it got a bad rap—mainly due to the bad press and unwarranted reputation from the 90s. It’s not bad but it could’ve been way better too but I chalk that up to the 90s limitation with technology and trying to world build this epic with a scant 2 hour and change running time. I’m mildly curious about this Ulysses Cut that fleshes out more of the story and adds more to the flick. The one thing that bugs me most about this is that the lead was Kevin Costner. Like I said, I always like Costner but not in this sort of role. There was a huge gamble on him being an action hero. And I mentioned Bruce Willis, who was a TV actor in a romantic show in the 80s who somehow, against all odds, got thrust as an action icon and somehow it worked out well for him for a couple of decades. Costner on the other hand got lucky with Robin Hood and made a handful of other action-epics that never worked out well. But the overall feeling I have is that I have a slightly better opinion of this flick, some nostalgia could be a factor. I almost changed the triple review to Battlefield: Earth for more schlocky fun but I’m kinda relieved and glad we revisited the silly aquatic Mad Max pirate epic.

Jim: Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Brian: If Bonnie and Clyde’s death car were made out of swiss cheese and fishnets stockings it would still have fewer holes than the plot of this movie. But that being said, there are a lot of great action scenes, and despite some dodgy ’90s CGI in some places it really is an awesome technical achievement. I think if Kevin Costner didn’t take itself so god damned seriously it would have been more fun. As it is, he’s a bit of a wet blanket.

Score: 7.5 Cans of SMEAT, Washed Down With a Glass of Cold Piss-Water and Finished Off with 500-Year-Old Cigarettes (out of 10)

Jim: 7 Aquatic Map Tramp Stamps (out of 10)

Brian: 6.5 Intact Pages of Tail & Sail Magazine (out of 10)