Schlocktoberfest XVI – Day 30: Logan’s Run (1976)

Logan’s Run (1976)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: The consequences of approaching early middle age.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

Nothing like starting off a movie with a short essay for a title card.
Life must end at thirty unless reborn in the fiery ritual of carousel.
How far will Wolverine have to run in this exactly? IYKYK.
These are some kick ass miniatures.
The outside of this place looks like ’78 Krypton.
Everyone’s born with a silver pendant in their palm. Fucking one percenters.
I really don’t want to make an Enter Sandman joke, but will if the going gets tough.
You’re gonna tell me that everyone of these extras is under 30? Bovine fecal matter.
The Who’s in Whoville didn’t wear this much red and green.
You’re put to death while everyone in the audience is high on Ketamine?
Carousel participants are made to dress like Moon Knight bought a cheap hockey mask at Spirit of Halloween for a costume party he was invited to at the last minute.
Can’t see the wires on all these flying people in red and white tights at all.
The motherfuckers are exploding, not “renewing” you deluded assholes.
I hate when I get a text during Carousel.
The Sandmen shoot like the Stormtroopers.
This runner was holding an ankh. Hmm. Must be a Vinnie Vincent fan.
Crime scene cleanup is done by a guy flying one of those stupid air backpacks you see at county fairs.
At least I used to see them.
By the way, Vinnie Vincent is transitioning into Illeana Douglas. Google image them if you don’t believe me.
And by cleaning up the crime scene, I mean the corpse is dissolved. Bones and all.
Logan must be good at his job going by the luxurious robe and drinking what looks like straight Campari out of giant test tubes.
Jenny Agutter. Oh yeah.
In this future you can have almost naked women Door-dashed to you through your computer.
Jessica’s wearing an Ankh too. Lots of VV Invasion fans in the distant future.
Which I guess is a good thing for his descendants.
Drugs come in aerosol bath bombs that you throw at the ceiling. Kooky.
Cosmetic surgery is so commonplace in this future, Los Angeles has nothing to worry about.
The master computer instructs Logan to go undercover to destroy the runner sanctuary. So we have now moved on from Enter Sandman and gone to Seek And Destroy.
Looks like Logan’s gonna get fucked out of his last four years to live. Never co-sign a small business loan.
This movie is from 1976, but it can look like a cheap sixties BBC sci-fi show.
It must be Michael York making me think so Mod.
It’s funny was fuck that all these lush futuristic sets are just some places in Dallas.
If all else fails, paint the sets in mylar. It refracts light wonderfully.
This was one of those movies that Family Guy thought was arcane enough for one of their references.
Art Deco. Very nice.
The future still has orphans running around the streets like Oliver.
Logan, it’s a trap!
These so-called Lost Boys suck a dick, and so does their Pan.
The two blokes in the bright red totally inconspicuous red tights are horrible at trailing our heroes.
Holy shit and shove me in it. Farrah fucking Fawcett Majors in da house!
248 years from now, cosmetic surgery will be almost instant and performed by the walking eye from the Venture Bros.
“Do you want me to take my clothes off?” “Not for your face.” – said the more than likely newly crowned line of the year.
My ass does not get on an operating table in the future without 2-1-B and FX-7 in residency.
No one will believe me, but I speak the truth when I say that Disney’s, “The Black Hole” stole some shit from Logan’s Run.
If you look close enough, so did Star Wars a little.
The Surgeon General of Beverly Hills (IYKYK) gets sliced up by his plastic surgery lasers. #ouchy
He couldn’t get a new face, so Logan and Jessica head to the sex shop.
I would.
Logan, when Jessica invites you to an orgy you say yes!
Huh, it’s Studio 54. Everyone is naked, most likely high, and fucking. I do so miss the seventies.
The editor of this film must have had a small stroke making sure no genitalia appeared on screen risking that PG rating the studio demanded.
The budget did not include the filming of this scene apparently.
Everyone ran through tunnels with huge pipes at one time or another during the seventies.
Christ, is Logan and Jessica’s escape one of those pain in the ass Big Fish games?
Frances could have easily made it through that door, but his shit acting couldn’t quite sell him not making it in time.
I think Ready Player One took some shit as well.
We may not get to see Jenny Agutter naked in this, but at least we got her wet.
Mind out of the gutter please, I meant with water.
Shit, that flood scene looked like it injured the stunt doubles.
Nope, they’re OK.
They’re rising up, back on the streets. They took their time and their chances.
Thanks Survivor.
The ice caverns of Hoth, these are not.
A room full of frozen penguins? Is this Fries vs. Cobblepot?
I am now thankfully incorrect about Jenny Agutter going full au natural. This movie now rules.
Your camera crew reflected in the robot named Box that is voiced by Roscoe Lee Browne everyone.
C-3PO he is not.
You can see the fucking actor’s mouth in the robot mask. Jesus wept.
Lots of frozen naked people you got there Box.
It’s easy to remain perfectly calm during a cave-in when the debris is green screened in.
Now it’s like the end of THX-1138.
They’re acting like they’ve never seen the fucking sun before.
Oh. Right.
We still have 45 minutes to go, I trust Sanctuary grows nearer.
Jenny Agutter had a better skinny-dipping scene in “Walkabout.” I’m sure it’s on Mr. Skin if that still exists.
Ah-ha! There’s the Washington monument. We’re in D.C.
Hooray.
The Planet Of The Apes did this way better.
The people left D.C. long ago, the elder race still learn and grow.
Their power grows with purpose strong, to claim the home where they belong.
“Beloved husband and beloved wife. I wonder what all that means?”
So do most married couples Jessica.
Are you going to tell me that after all this time, and only 2 nude scenes from Jessica; it’s just Peter Ustinov eating walnuts?
This part could use some editing.
Is Ustinov’s character pulling that same befuddled thing Yoda did when Luke first met him?
Why do movies always have to loop in constant meowing when there’s a cat in the scene.
Fucking Frances is still in this?
Jesus Frances, relax. Logan didn’t just break up with you.
A couple of hits with an American flag and Frances dies. Wuss.
Mother of all that is Fuck, we have to walk back to the beginning of this movie with Ustinov now? What the fuck is this the Dark Tower?
Saved the underwater stunts for the last 12 minutes did ya?
Carousel is live folks.
You can never stop Revolution you pig dogs!
This fucking master computer again.
Constantly repeating, “There is no Sanctuary” destroys the goddamn computer. Try that at the Genius Bar sometime.
This movie had the worst laser guns by the way.
The city is destroyed and the people go outside and meet Ustinov at the waterfall.
Fuck. It really is 2112.
Anika fucking rules.
The thousands of dead thirty year olds must all feel like complete fucking assholes right now.
Lets all gather ‘round Peter Ustinov and touch him like we’ve never seen anyone old before everyone.
I love a happy ending.

What year?: 2274

Who are the Enemies?: Sandmen / turning thirty

What Happened to the Earth?: War / Overpopulation / Pollution

Final Thoughts: If it wasn’t for the exquisite Jenny Agutter, this movie could have basically fucked right off into seventies sci-fi obscurity. A category of film by the way, that is not for the impatient. Seventies B movies burned longer than menorah oil. The art direction and cinematography in this movie are very impressive and have a very distinct look, landing somewhere between Mod and early seventies indoor mall architecture. I’m punching out of year 16 with a weird slow burn, but how bad can a world be where that douche-nozzle TV show Thirtysomething could never exist.

Was It Entertaining: