Schlocktoberfest XVI – Day 21: The Stepford Wives (1975)

The Stepford Wives (1975)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: The joys of being a housewife in suburban Connecticut halfway through the seventies, or upgrading your current OS.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

Wood bodied station wagons do not convey living in midtown Manhattan.
If a guy crossing the street with a blindfolded nude mannequin is the most exciting thing you see that morning – it’s a slow day n New York.
Dad says that’s the exact reason they’re moving to Stepford – start the fucking opening credit drive to Connecticut.
I wished they stayed in midtown, I don’t have any nostalgic memories of Connecticut in the seventies.
A cop watches you drive by and nods his head slowly. Duh-duh-dunn.
The interior of their new house looks like a perfect combo of the Myers house in Haddonfield, and that charming practically-a-steal 5 bedroom in Amityville.
The director’s wife shows up first with a casserole.
“She cooks as good as she looks Ted.” I bet this movie still makes Steinem’s head spin.
From K to 9 – I was never picked up by the school bus in my own driveway.
Fuck, is this The Village Of The Damned too?
Catherine Ross is the seventies personified in female form.
Is this reporter Minnie Pearl?
Ted sure does have his bitch under control.
What’d I say?
You can go to third base with your wife right in the front yard in broad daylight here in Stepford.
I hate Joanna’s husband already.
Walter is a cunt, and how do we deal with cunts in 1975? We get our asses down to the Grand Union that’s how.
Walter also pays for the groceries with a fucking check. Total cunt.
Christ, it’s like all the women in this store are robots.
What’d I say?
The Ford dealership in Stepford must have sky-high numbers – envy woman is driving a Gran Torino station wagon.
The bag boys loaded up your car and direct traffic so you can back out of your parking space.
The gals somehow still manage to get into an accident however.
Women drivers. Am I right fellas?
This bag boy keeps proclaiming his innocence more than OJ did.
The manager of the Grand Union is the same character actor who played Sheriff Parkins Gillespie in Salems’ Lot. That is all.
Carol seems to be malfunctioning.
What’d I say?
An ambulance would in fact take 45 minutes in Scarsdale. Do not ever ask me how or why I know that.
The ambulance didn’t head towards the hospital though. Uh oh.
It did in fact go to the local Radio Shack.
Seriously, what did i say? What spoiler?
One of Joanna ’s daughters is portrayed by a very young and very creepy Mary Stuart Masterson.
Her teddy bear is a Stepford bear! I smell sequel.
This is a very poorly acted scene.
I’d like to re-name this movie The Stepford Slow Burn if I may.

As far as robots go, you could do a lot worse. BTW, is that Jason Voorhees or Mason Reese on the front of Joanna’s cart?
Paula Prentiss coming in hot to this movie, damn baby girl.
Is she on Crystal Blue? Hopefully the Scotch will bring her down a bit.
“Two things I always carry: Tampax and Ring Dings. I don’t even want to think what that means.” Said the second runner up line of the year.
Each daughter gets her own box of Apple Jacks? Fucking spoiled Connecticut snob cunts.
There is a screenplay to this movie right?
So Walter already knows what this town is up to – that’s why he was crying before.
Golly, the head of the men’s association isn’t a creepy, diabolical, woman hating, fuckwad at all.
“I like to watch women doing little domestic chores.” What category is that under on LobsterTube Diz?
Diz because he used to work at Disney. In the animatronic department. Now he’s a billionaire.
The old CIA guy from Spies Like Us is intensely sketching Joanna. That can’t be good.
The guy with the stutter is a language buff. Cute.
A barn dance and a tag sale together? At the same time? You better make that a dry event.
This meeting is like the ones I would see on public access in 1985.
Not that I watched a lot of those.
I guess I’d act like that if I realized Frank Frazetta was sketching all night in my fucking living room.
Being rich in the seventies looked a lot cooler than it does to be one now.
Fuck Diz and his Mr. Rourke suit by the way.
Paula Prentiss was pretty hot in this. She had a kinda early Geena Davis thing going on in a Lynda Carter half shirt tied at the belly button.
I’m sorry where was I?
White people from Connecticut should not be allowed within 150 yards of a BBQ.
Fucking WASP cunts.
Not you Blackie.
What is with these robotic bitches?
I honestly don’t know why you’re yelling spoiler at me all the time.
When malfunctioning could be passed off as being drunk. The early computer age.
No it’s Catherine Ross’ turn in the hot-seat with the open midriff seventies blouse. I got a thing for 70’s chicks – always have always will.
Were this a porno, Joanna and Bobbie would have “cut the rug” twice by now.
I didn’t find an entire porn parody of this movie, but some interesting clips did turn up. One involved dildos wired to deliver electric shocks and whipped cream. Doesn’t anybody just fuck anymore?
The Stepford Wives make a hilarious montage, and mean brownies.
They would have to wouldn’t they?
When a chick keeps telling you that you’re the best, you’re the king, etc. during coitus; she got it from this movie and she is making fun of your lackluster performance.
OK. Prentiss, Ross, and now add Ginger from Gilligan’s Island to the dare I say threesome.
Bobbie just said she’d fuck all of Charmaine’s teenage sons. I knew she was cool.
When someone asks you to record your life history, and to recite the dictionary – you are being upgraded.
These bitches be creepy.
They speak in cleaning product commercial lingo and stats.
I’m surprised not one of them has said, “4 out of 5 dentists surveyed…”
What is scarier dear reader, the monster or its creator?
The town priest is in on the evil goings on? Never.
Look, it’s the weird cop from the opening credits!
When a don’t walk around here warning comes with an unsolicited history of the spooky mansion – leave the area.
Ace reporter Minnie Pearl is back to announce the town’s first black family is about to move in.
And this comes right after they opened their first Chinese restaurant. Upwardly mobile WASP cunts.
Walking your big dumb portfolio around Manhattan. I remember it well.
Charmaine is now docile and obedient, Frank was crying the night before – uh oh.
Has anyone ever been that excited to install a pool?
Bobbie thinks that there’s something more than just fluoride in the water that’s turning all the gals into haus fraus.
Joanna decides to have the water tested with liquid and gas chromatography.
Ring any bells boys?
Joanna went ABBA to ZZ Top in that book it seems, so she’s fuh-hucked.
I haven’t seen sexual chemistry this hot since Donnie and Marie.
Bobbie’s going to The Plaza just like how Charmaine went to Vermont. Uh oh.
Of course the family dog is dead – this is a seventies sci-fi thriller after all.
The creepy scenes with Joanna taking pictures of the kids pays off with a deal with a gallery.
That is all.
That’s not Bobbie. Oh shit.
I guess there had to be at least one stunt sequence in this.
Walter wants everything sparkling and his kids dressed better. Uh oh.
Thirty minutes to go, let’s step on the gas a bit here ladies.
We’re gonna introduce a shrink this far into the plot?
Is the shrink a fembot too?
If you don’t get the stupid joke by now – I’ve nothing for you.
Stepford’s a madhouse! It’s madhouse!
I miss all that wood panelling.
Joanna has it pretty much all figured out – almost to a point that no protagonist usually gets to.
OK. The shrink was as cool – never mind.
Picking up drugs at the local pharmacy during a thunderstorm? I smell the film’s climax and petrichor.
Drunk as fuck husbands crying in the dark = new robot wife delivered in the morning.
The Bat-Phone is blinking.
Tell me Bobbie, do you bleed?
The “I Thought We Were Friends And I Just Wanted To Make You Some Coffee” error dance.
Which is in actuality the 1975 version of the spinning pinwheel of death.
Jesus Kit-Kats this movie will not end.
This is the most bloodshed the movie has had so far.
Rocky Horror storm sound effects always welcome.
Running into the stray mansion in a thunderstorm armed with just a fireplace poker to rescue the kids. If I’ve seen it once…
Ya think Joanna’s gonna walk out of here alive?
I myself do not.
Tape recordings of her screaming kids, she’s fuh-hucked.
“Why? Because we can.” Sounds familiar.
Longest delayed reaction to running away these eyes have ever seen there.
Frank the dog seems to be alive, unless they Robo-doggy’d him too.
Joanna’s unfinished robot may still need her original’s eyes, but they did give her bigger tits. I bet Walter had to add that option to the sticker price. That and the new car smell option of course.
The robot strangles Joanna with panty hose and heads right off to Waldbaums.
At least there’s a special on Prince spaghetti in aisle 6.
Why do all the Stepford Wife robots all have Miley Cyrus voice?
Walter and the kids seem to be doing just fine according to the Polaroids shown during the end credits. Maybe when the kids celebrate their 45th birthdays and mom is still twenty fucking nine, some pieces might finally snap together.

What year?: Not said, most likely the at-the-time present-day 1975.

Who are the Enemies?: Ball-less men who who can’t take a woman talking back to them. That and the home cleaning products aisle.

What Happened to the Earth?: A massive shortage of testosterone, and a declarative all-male fuck you to Margaret Atwood.

Final Thoughts: I don’t know who this movie pissed off more, the feminists or the critics. As for me – there were too many holes that the jokes couldn’t cover. Like I mentioned how the robots would never age, so the kids might get a little suspicious after awhile. Or even though Joanna’s family was all dead, someone’s could have surprise visited Stepford and realized they were dealing with a robot of their fucking family member. And fifty years before the Real Doll, what would have sex felt like with those pong machines with vaginas? All I can think of is being naked on top of a cold chrome toaster, and not in a erotic Sorayama kinda way either.

Well, I’ll get going before this gets weird.

Was It Entertaining: