The Terror Within (1989)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: The filmmakers of The Terror Within run afoul of copyright infringement.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• The real terror within was my intense depression this whole month.
• Aside from the post-apocalyptic theme, George Kennedy is the only reason I’m watching this. His brother RFK Jr. should’ve also just gone into acting, although no one would have hired him because if his unbelievably irritating voice.
• This also stars Andrew Stevens, who seems very familiar until you look up his filmography and realize he’s never been in anything you recognize, even the movie you’re currently watching.
• I love that these two guys have name tags on their jumpsuits that are just their first names, Michael and John. Although I suppose they can be last names, like George Michael and Elton John.
• Michael says he forgot what real chicken tastes like, then points out a bunch of buzzards flying around, so that means there are still birds here, so chicken tastes like that.
• Here’s Sue and Dave. I’m normally really bad with names in these movies, so I very much appreciate these name tags.
• George Kennedy and a dog! This movie now can’t go lower than a 9.5. Of course, I said the same thing about Lemmy in Hardware, and I ended up giving that like a -6 or something.
• Linda.
• Neil.
• Andre.
• Why is George Kennedy the only one without a name tag? Maybe he’s playing himself, and doesn’t need one.
• It’s the apocalypse but at least they have moonshine and cigars and dogs, so how bad could it be?
• Ok this is a pandemic apocalypse. Seen it.
• John and Michael have been torn apart. Those are some vicious buzzards.
• Who are these random people?
• George Kennedy’s name is Hal, like that matters.
• They just said they have a vaccine that they’ve given to themselves, then they find this dead group of people literally right next to their bunker and they want to study their bodies for how they survived, but they have a vaccine, so what’s the point.
• Did they give the dog the vaccine? Or are animals immune? Just dogs and buzzards survived, maybe?
• The dog’s name is Butch. No name tag. Could be tattooed on his tummy.
• I love that the deadly pandemic wasn’t enough, they also have to deal with creatures called Gargoyles. These people can’t catch a damn break!
• Why does Dave only have a crossbow as a weapon? John and Michael were firing guns before.
• They seem pretty stoked that this survivor is female, what weird orgy are they planning?
• It’s funny that this movie looks SO cheap, like it was made in ’79 not ’89. For something that should be atmospheric it’s lit way too brightly.
• Hahaha Linda finds out the survivor is pregnant, which is a major breakthrough after the plague, and Hal wisely says, “Great, another mouth to feed…” I LOVE Hal.

• I assume the Gargoyles are just mutant humans? Or maybe, this isn’t Earth and the Gargoyles are the normal people and those in the bunker are the genetic freaks!
• There’s a Gargoyle in the shed above their bunker and Hal wants them to set up a microphone so they can hear, but all they do is snarl, and there’s no way they can actually get in, so what’s the point.
• Are they implying that this pregnant survivor (Karen) was raped by the Gargoyles? Fascinating.
• I’m going to take a wild guess that a monster is going to blast out of Karen’s belly.
• Amazing split diopter shots for no reason during this abortion conversation. The End of Oak Street did the same thing, but so far this movie is way better and less frustratingly ridiculous.
• HAHAHA this is 100% the scene from alien except a pregnant belly instead of a chest and this Gargoyle is way cuter than a Xenomorph.
• “When was the last time you saw a premature fetus move like that?” That’s the quote of the Schlocktoberfest season for me.
• They’re talking about rigging up some weapons but they had guns earlier!!
• I almost forgot about Butch. Maybe they don’t realize that he’s just a furry Gargoyle?
• I assume the next 20 minutes or so are going to be them slowly wandering the base looking for this baby Gargoyle.
• ANDRE NO!

• An hour after being born the Gargoyle is now fully large adult size. At this rate it’ll be Godzilla by dinnertime!
• The Gargoyle basically looks like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons with no fur or skin.
• BUTCH NO!
• Oh good Butch is ok. Unless he wasn’t supposed to make when Dave checked him.
• NEIL NO! Ok, Neil, fine, whatever, no one cares about Neil.
• Flashing yellow lights? Where have I seen this before? Oh right, while driving.
• Steamy sex scene with Gargoyle and Sue. Then Hal cockblocks Gargoyle and gets what’s coming to him HAL NO!
• So Sue can’t get pregnant by the Gargoyle because she’s already pregnant since Dave is a real man and put the responsibility of birth control on Sue’s shoulders.
• Sue doesn’t think the baby is Dave’s. That leaves two options: The Gargoyle and Butch.
• She also said she didn’t previously have any symptoms but on the contrary she is completely irritable and won’t listen to reason.
• SUE NO! I guess she REALLY didn’t want to have Dave’s baby.
• See it was a Gargoyle baby, LINDA, you shitty doctor!
• Dave and Linda figured out that the dog whistle Dave blew before had an affect on the Gargoyle so they’re going to play it on a continuous loop over the loudspeakers but Butch is gonna go apeshit!
• I love that Dave is flirting with Linda and Sue’s body is still about 98.5 degrees.
• I think I’m on the Gargoyle’s side here.
• The Gargoyle hates this dog whistle as much as R.O.T.O.R. hates honking!

• It finally just dawned on mean that The Terror Within means Gargoyles knocking up human women with monster babies. It’s a concept too highbrow for my brain to fully comprehend.
• Dave just did a long elaborate setup for a trap that didn’t really do jack shit.
• Then Linda beats the Gargoyle with a pipe, which turns out to be a much better trap.
• Well I guess not since the Gargoyle immediately heals itself and comes back after them.
• This whole climactic scene is a seizure warning lawsuit waiting to happen.
• And after all that, they blend the Gargoyle up. I liked that Gargoyle. Big fan.
• The Gargoyles on the surface are pretty adorable in broad daylight.
• So they blow the Gargoyles up, and we all have Butch to thank for their victory. Even though I guess there are many more Gargoyles all over the planet?
• By the way, Sue was played by Starr Andreeff. No, I did not have a flashing light-induced seizure while typing that.

What year?!: Not given. I’m going to guess 8736.

Who are the Enemies?: GARGOYLES!

What Happened to the Earth?: A plague, which may or may not be related to the Gargoyles.

Final Thoughts: As far as blatant egregious Alien ripoffs go, this is a pretty fun one. When you have George Kennedy and a dog in the same picture, you’re already well on your way to a good time. Aside from the bad lighting, it seems like they did their best with their $325 budget. The Gargoyle design was fun and cheesy, in a good way, even though it seems like they went dumpster diving behind the studio that was developing Predator. Fun fact: George Kennedy was set to play Dutch in Predator until it was discovered that he was having an affair with the wives of everyone else on the Predator cast, and even though they were all grateful, none of them could look him in the eye during scenes because he was too much of an alpha dog, which is why they cast a more-dominant alpha, Butch, in this movie. Their names are even similar just to help keep Kennedy in line. Recommended for copyright lawyers, dog trainers, obstetricians, and PNA (proper name anomia) sufferers.

Score: 6 Helpful Name Tags (out of 10)