Schlocktoberfest XVI – Day 5: Hardware | Hard Ticket to Home Video

Hardware (1990)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A pile of military junk runs afoul of a woman’s apartment.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

“No flesh shall be spared.” I used that in my wedding vows!
John Lynch?? The Sexual Sadist???!!
I think this guy walking through the desert is current-day Johnny Depp.
Industrial dick? This has to be that John Lynch.
I like that 110 degrees is supposed to be crazy in this desert wasteland, when that’s not that unusual in 2026 Earth.
Oh hey it’s that jerkoff dwarf from Willow.
I assume the hardware we’re speaking of is old robot parts.
I haven’t seen dubbing this egregious since our Godzilla: Final Wars review.
Why would anyone listen to this radio DJ? He’s more annoying than teeth growing between your toes.
This is the second post-apocalyptic movie in a row with a redhead female protagonist, even though 99% of redheaded women are crazy. That’s just a fact.
Lemmy!!! “Ace of Spades”! This review score can officially go no lower than a 9.5.

I wonder where everyone is getting their perfectly styled haircuts in this nuclear wasteland?
Rad count: 40. Sperm count: 1. So sayeth the Load Warrior.
Is Mo allowed to get his Power Glove wet in the shower like this?
This has got to be one of the least sexy sex scene songs I’ve ever heard.
This Christmas voyeur pervert does not agree though. Although he’s mumbling things like “suck it dry” when Jill’s just on top of Mo cowgirl style.
We’re about 1/3 of the way through and nothing has really happened so far except some walking and the purchase of a robot head and some head that wasn’t head.
GWAR! They should’ve just cast them as the leads in this.
Hey Jill, your art is fucking stupid. “It’s not for anybody.” Well, said, Jill.
I’m confused how dystopian this is supposed to be. There was a red sandy wasteland, and a lot of filth and garbage in the city, but there’s TV, working phone, apparently Jill can get paint and plastic dolls whenever she wants despite no one ever buying her terrible art, the leads have perfect hair and skin and clean clothes. I don’t know, whatever.
Looks like the robot head (I’m calling it Hardware) is assembling a new body out of Jill’s junk. At least this will prevent her from using it for art.
Why did Hardware wait so long to try to kill Jill?
I really hope the Christmas pervert turns out to be the hero. I mean, he’s already a hero to me, but I want the rest of the audience to experience what I feel.
Jill seems pretty unbothered by the Christmas pervert trying to fondle her while she tries to get her apartment’s power back on.
I may have just missed something, but I thought Jill was trapped in her apartment with Hardware, so how did the Christmas pervert get in there? Why did the front door work for him?
Speaking of which, I thought the sets in the beginning of the desert, ruined city, and water taxi river looked really good, but they must have completely blown their budget wad on those because ever since then we’ve pretty much just been in this one room.

Also, I don’t think Jill’s apartment is all that spacious, but Hardware has been hiding for a long time, and is undetectable. Maybe they should have made Jill blind.
This Christmas pervert scene is droning on way too long and it’s as painful as a screwdriver up the rectum and we all know it’s going to end with the Christmas pervert getting murdered by Hardware, so let’s just leave and go to a bar or something.
Thank god, some gore. It’s poorly lit but gore nonetheless. Still unclear why Hardware is acting like Michael Myers.
Schlitz! R.I.P.

So Jill hides in the fridge to fool Hardware’s infrared and that instantly makes her body the exact same temperature as the fridge?
Ew why are Jill’s toes so gnarly?
Oh wow Hardware has a spinning drill by his crotch and Jill is down on her back. Much like painting the American flag on the head of a killer piece of military machinery, very subtle stuff here.
Jill blew Hardware up. I guess it’s over! 25 minutes left, these will be some long credits.
Oh ok she’s just going to slowly look around her apartment for 20 minutes.
These other two security guys just showed up out of nowhere.
Everyone shoots Hardware out of the window. I guess Jill could have tried to go out the window before?
Surprisingly, as Mo and Jill discuss their boring relationship and employment problems, Hardware reaches up and grabs her. I’ve never seen anything like that before or since.
Jill is hanging off a power line and Mo says he can’t help her because they’d both fry, but she is currently not frying, so how would him helping her make it worse?
So the power line breaks and Jill swings into a window below and somehow that kills her? Why not just have Hardware kill her? It was right there.
Mo is as useless as tits on brick. And all of his dialogue is stupid.
Oh no Mo is dying from Hardware’s lethal injection. I’ll be so sad to see you go, Mo. It’s been so fun.
Where did everyone else go?
Mo slashes his wrists to suck the poison out I guess? Slashing your wrists is a surefire way to stay alive.
Speaking of staying alive: Jill. And I guess everyone else went down to the below apartment to help her, instead of most of them staying with Mo where the real problem was.
Are we doing some kind of Momeo and Jilliet situation?
I guess Mo’s dead now. Who cares.
I was intensely disliking this until one of the security guys got sliced in half by the door and accidentally shot the other one in the head.
Hardware now has a chainsaw arm and is chainsawing someone but it’s not clear who.

Nice Jill is now a computer expert.
Cool the solution this whole time was to put on a visor and beat Hardware with a baseball bat.
Jill’s bathroom is the only lit interior area we’ve seen the entire movie.
What the fuck is Shades waiting for? God damn I hate all of these characters.
Shooting Hardware in the head for a third time does the trick, combined with pouring water on it. Were these military robots not going to be facing bullets or weather?
Oh good we get to hear the annoying DJ one last time. Exactly what I wanted.

What year?!: The future.

Who are the Enemies?: Hardware, Christmas pervert

What Happened to the Earth?: A nuke. Gasoline seems to be plentiful.

Final Thoughts: I know there are some out there who love this one but I just found it irritating for the most part. It was probably a case of having a script with a lot of grand ideas then the budget eventually being set at $97 so they had to set the whole thing in one space. Maybe it was a choice between one location or the rights to play “Ace of Spades” once, and if so, it was the correct decision. The cast is fine I suppose, especially Stacey Travis as Jill, but they can’t overcome how boring and annoying their characters are. I wish Lemmy, GWAR, and Iggy Pop had the lead roles. This movie answers the question, “What if The Terminator had a nonexistent backstory and no likable characters or money?” Recommended for junk collectors, Christmas perverts, motorheads, shut-ins, and veterans of unpopular wars.

Score: 6 Aces of Spades (out of 10)