The Quiet Earth (1985)

Trailer: (this basically contains a synopsis of the entire movie) 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: The Earth runs aquiet.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Now I’m no astronomernaut, but this is the sun they’re showing, not the Earth. Dumbasses.
• This might be too quiet for my tastes.
• Well that’s a dick.
• Hard to tell if we’re already in the apocalypse or if this guy is just incredibly lonely and no one dare love him. Or BOTH!
• So this guy stopped for gas and no one was there, then he drives down the street blasting his horn. But if he doesn’t know there are no other people, he’s just being an asshole. I hope someone pops out and angrily tells him to shove his horn up his ass.
• Again, he just smashed the window of someone’s front door, but he still doesn’t know if anyone’s there or not. What a dick. There probably could’ve been just a few minutes more of him wandering around confused about the situation before he started window smashing.
• This seems like a rapture-type deal, where everyone just vanished and ascended to heaven but he didn’t because he’s a jerk who honks horns and smashes windows?
• This is a damn impressive set, I think they really crashed a commercial plane for this, with 150 souls lost.
• Project Flashlight? Well this should be illuminating.
• It’s great how the lab loudspeaker is blaring that people should don protective clothing yet this idiot does nothing.
• We finally learn this cat’s name, Zac Hobson, and it was totally worth the wait.

• He paints a low-hanging billboard that inquires if he’s the only one left and gives his contact info, but it blends in with the other billboards around it, even though he also painted giant peach-colored arrows pointing to it, they also blend in with the other billboards. Hopefully someone passes that exact spot and happens to look in that exact spot. I also recall the show The Last Man on Earth doing something very similar to this. I never did watch the last season of that since it got worse with each passing episode.
• I kind of hope that everyone in Auckland just left Zac’s ass because they couldn’t stand him.
• Zac moves into a much nicer home, and he’s also graduated to not sleeping with his dick out.
• You know, a movie like this where one person does all the heavy lifting really requires that actor to be very charming and likable, such as Matt Damon in The Martian and Ryan Gooseman in Project Hail Mary. Let’s just say Zac here isn’t putting asses in movie theater seats based on his star power.
• This has to be the dullest montage of someone having all the time in the world and access to whatever they want. I know it was the mid-80s in New Zealand but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

• He just put on a sexy nightgown, so I humbly retract my previous point.
• Hitler! Not the charismatic lead I was talking about.
• Seems like Zac’s officially lost it. Now we’re talking.
• Where the hell did he even get all of these cardboard cutouts of historical leaders? He’s definitely going to fuck them, right?

• He said the title, drink!
• The power finally went out, but it’s not like he was putting it to good use anyway.
• I love that he’s still wearing the nightgown, but why is it covered in blood? Did I miss something?
• Jesus H. Christ…
• Seemed like Zac was just about to blow his brains out but I guess he wanted to show us his dick a few more times. More like Project Fleshlight!
• Looks like he got his shit together. I’ll miss Nightgown Zac.
• Now here’s a lady. That was kind of abrupt.
• Wait it’s only been three weeks? And Zac went that nuts?
• While she’s sleeping Zac says, “Are you a woman, or a child…” Well I’m officially off Team Zac, you gross asshole.
• Zac you just wore a nightgown for a couple weeks and you’re shitting on transvestites? Fuck you, you gross asshole.

• Ah her name is Joanne. Why are people’s names coming in so late after they’re introduced?
• I need this “I’ve seen E.T.” bumper sticker. Because I have.
• There’s an energy grid around the Earth? You mean the sun?
• I guessed they banged? And we didn’t even get to see his dick?
• But you do see her butt and he burns his dick off with hot coffee. Things are looking up.
• Zac the sign says “keep off the grass” you cockhead.
• I feel terrible for Joanne, if Zac wasn’t the last man on Earth she could do much better.
• Another leather man just set a trap for Zac, for some reason. Why is he wearing a ski mask? There’s no one else around. Why is this guy doing this? What’s the point?
• So the three of them just had like a The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly stare down and then a group hug. That whole sequence was just puzzling.
• I assume that they’re going to fight over who gets to have intimate relations with Joanna. Or maybe the two guys will get together and leave Joanna scratching her head.
• So they all died at the exact same time as the event. Leatherman (still don’t know his name, in keeping with the theme) was drowned by some guy, Joanne was electrocuted by her hair dryer (which is hysterical, what the fuck kind of hair dryer is that), and apparently Zac committed suicide via pills and we see his dick again in a literal “flash”back. Why was showing his dick necessary whatsoever for those scenes? He could have easily had at least underwear on.

• Leatherman is jogging in leather pants. He’s having a nice time with Joanna and then tells her he killed his friend’s wife and that spoils the fun and she gets super pissed at him.
• Ok Leatherman’s name is Api. Not as good.
• So the sun is going to explode but they’re having petty squabbles. Instead of Zac just explaining this to them he shoves Api down with a tape recording of what he should have just told him. This is kind of dumb.
• Well they made up quickly, then they have an effect freakout where they climb the walls for some reason. This is just getting worse and worse.
• So now their plan is to blow up the sky or something. At least it sounds like fun.
• Joanna is just cool with Api now for no real reason.
• Oh, she explains to Zac that Api rejected his murderer’s wife so she killed herself. When did Api tell her that?
• The world is about to explode and they’re still playing up this love triangle angle?
• There’s a tanker trunk in the road and Api has to push it out of the road with his truck full of explosives. No one even attempts to see if they can drive the truck out of the way. And then that’s all for that scene. Man they really ran out of things to do at the end here.
• Then Api playfully swerves all over the road in his truck full of dangerous explosives and tries to mess with Zac’s car. This is so painfully dumb I’m just going to be quiet. And there are only like 5 minutes left.
• Then Zac goes to get a remote control thingy for the explosives truck so they can drive it into the lab or whatever to blow it up and stop the event and Api and Joanne decide this would be a great time to make it with each other in a control tower. We do get to see Joanne’s boobs but not Api’s Apinis. That actor just refuses to shame himself like Zac.
• Zac just drives the explosive truck in himself because he knows he’ll never compete with Api sexually.
• So Zac blows the truck and then he wakes up on the beach and the clouds are now matte paintings with stalactites and Saturn is rising in the distance and there you have it. Fuck you, Zac, you gross asshole.

What year?!: I don’t remember them saying, but it was present day, so I guess 1985.

Who are the Enemies?: The deathly quiet; Zac being agross asshole.

What Happened to the Earth?: Zac and his numbnut scientist buddies and their dumbshit Project Flashlight experiments.

Final Thoughts: This picture starts out fun and interesting but basically shortly after Api comes into the fray it loses more steam than a cold teakettle and gets downright frustrating. It’s not bad but you’re better off just watching the first couple of episodes of The Last Man on Earth, because Will Forte only shows his dick when it makes complete sense for the plot. Recommended for gross assholes, truck drivers, mimes, kiwis (the fruit), and lopsided throuples.

Score: 6 Dick Scenes (out of 10)