Battletruck (a.k.a. Warlords of the 21st Century) (1982)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A truck runs afoul of battle.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Well here’s another one about gas.
• Oil cut off in Arabia? That’s too far-fetched.
• This gas costs $59.99 a litre. Seems like a good deal.
• I haven’t seen a gas station more shittily put together since It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World.
• Oh shit it’s the fucking Battletruck.
• The Battletruck doesn’t seem drastically different from a regular truck.
• Why are some of these dudes Australian and some not?
• I’m not exactly sure why that computer coming up out of the ground indicated that there was a lot of fuel. Oh well.
• Oh shit one of the guys in the Battletruck crew is Zac from The Quiet Earth! Maybe this is a prequel. Countdown until we see his dick?
• The Battletruck has to weigh around 6,000 tons. It must get like 0.0005 miles per gallon.
• Their female hostage can just wander around as she pleases? These guys are shit at hostaging.
• She’s also pretty shit at running away since she was just slowly walking on the main road.
• So far the bad guys in this aren’t dressed up like leather daddies. Not that I’m judging, just a worn out trope.
• Swan from The Warriors! Hunter seems to be the most popular post-apocalypse baby name.
• The thing about these gas shortage movies is they’re all set in the future and none of them ever had someone invent an electric car up to that point.
• Hunter makes methane out of chicken shit. You know what? Smart. And in addition to that, a continuous food source.
• The hostage girl, Corlie, seems like her lines were written with a 5-year-old originally in mind for the character. She even has like a kind of baby doll voice. She’s creeping me out more than anything else in this picture.
• I take that back, any 5-year-old would be a better actress than this woman.
• CLIFF CLAVIN!

• Gee I wonder if this village of nice people is going to get fucked over by the Battletruck?
• One of the villagers asks Corlie, “If it came down to (Hunter) or us whose side would you be on?” What exactly would that scenario be? Hunter is going to fight everyone in the village and ask Corlie to help fight them with him?
• I’m sorry Corlie must be the director’s girlfriend or sister or hair stylist or something because she’s honestly one of the worst actresses I’ve ever seen. I can’t imagine there were auditions with dozens of women and they decided that she was the best performer.
• Oh shit I just looked her up and she’s the real estate agent in Beetlejuice! I always thought she was a questionable actress in that, too. Ohhhhhh, married to major producer Edward R. Pressman. Well there you go.
• Oh look the Battletruck is here what a surprise.

• This asshole is essentially the same character as Ellis from Die Hard.
• So Corlie knew the exact way back to Hunter’s house even though before she told the village she didn’t.
• Yeah Corlie you could have at least mentioned the Battletruck to the villagers, you dumbshit.
• Hunter is going to make sweet love to Corlie which, I don’t know man, it’s the apocalypse and all but she very clearly has a ton of cobwebs in her attic, it just doesn’t seem right.
• I’m glad Hunter and Corlie got a good night’s sleep when they knew that the village had been raided and the Battletruckers were doing god knows what unspeakable things to the villagers.
• Why does Straker (King Battletruck) care so much about Corlie anyway?
• Ha they use the Battletruck to knock down Hunter’s house. Great use of Battletruck.
• Hunter and Corlie run into some refugee villagers, one of them asks Corlie, “Why didn’t you tell us the truth?” and she says “I couldn’t…” What the fuck does that mean? Couldn’t tell them that you escaped from the Battletruck? Or that she knew where Hunter lived? What’s the advantage of hiding any of that information? Jesus she’s the worst.
• And how do these villagers not get wind whatsoever that there’s an army with a giant Battletruck in the area?
• Cliff Clavin’s hand was burned into what looks like rocks by the Battletruckers, but worse than that is he never should’ve been filmed without a mustache.
• I can’t believe the Ellis guy betrayed the group, he seemed so nice and hairy.
• What was the point of Ellis setting Corlie’s house on fire after he kidnapped her? To alert everyone in the village that he just betrayed them?
• Pretty lengthy sequence of Hunter riding his dirt bike with electric guitar and synth music playing and honestly it’s by far the best part of the movie.

• Ellis probably could have confirmed that Hunter was dead after shooting him with a crossbow. Maybe go cut his head and balls off.
• Is Corlie Straker’s daughter or something? Bleh.
• Confirmed. He must still see her as his little girl, because mentally she is.
• I thought the Battletruckers had taken over the village and were now running it? I guess they got bored and left.
• Cliff makes Hunter a new badass car to take on the Battletruck that’s just a VW Bug with some other car parts loosely welded to it. He should be feeling pretty confident.
• I’m unclear on how he knew exactly where to find the Battletruck guys, but to be honest I’ve barely been paying attention.
• I do like that he immediately shoots Ellis with the car gun, which would be impossible to aim properly, especially while driving. All’s well that ends well.
• OH SHIT the car just legit drove over a guy’s legs! OUCH. “Why can’t you ever walk again?” “Filming Battletruck.”

• Hunter is shooting at the Battletruck with a rocket launcher, but he knows Corlie is in there, so has he just had enough of her bullshit?
• Hunter jumps his motorcycle into the Battletruck and Straker orders Corlie to drive, why doesn’t she just apply the Battlebrakes?
• Is the dead driver’s body still pushing the gas pedal or something? Why would the Battletruck keep going?
• Seems like Back to the Future Part III completely ripped off this scene of the Battletruck going over a cliff and exploding. It’s possibly even the same, re-used footage.
• Then Hunter just leaves. Good for him. He must have realized how weird a relationship with Corlie would be.
• Coming soon to home video: Battletruck 2: One Battletruck After Another.

What year?!: The trailer says 1994 and I have no choice but to believe it.

Who are the Enemies?: The Battletruck Boyz

What Happened to the Earth?: Just a gas shortage, it seems? I guess the Battletruck just used it all up.

Final Thoughts: Aside from the titular Battletruck itself, this picture has virtually nothing going for it; maybe with the exception of a truly bizarre performance by the lead actress and a truly bizarre mustacheless face of John Ratburgers. Recommended for mother truckers, blood suckers, sour puckers, and Donald Duckers.

Score: 3 Legs Run Over (out of 10)