Schlocktoberfest XVI – Day 15: Soylent Green (1973)
October 15, 2026 12:00 pm
Soylent Green (1973)
Trailer:
*Spoilers Throughout*
What’s This About: Recycling.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
Three people read this blog and two of them are bots.
These opening credits look like that old HBO show, “Dick Cavett’s Remember When.”
No one got that fucking reference.
Awesome opening theme by the way, I must say.
The awesome music however, is way too upbeat to accompany visuals of how shitty everything got.
It’s 2022, we’re in New York City, and the population is 40,000,000. Oooof.
Google the population if the oooof threw you off.
Heston got off the Planet of the Apes for this?
Soylent Red and Yellow selling quite well. Along with the new Blu-Rays on Tuesday, they’re going to release Soylent Green as well. I smell Anchor Bay all over this.
The Odd Couple, they are not.
I thought margarine couldn’t turn. That was the point of its invention.
Tasteless, odorless crud. They’re at Applebees? Hiyo!
Heston and Sol are the new Starsky and Hutch for the future.
Sol remembers the good old days of fresh produce in grocery stores. As do I now.
This is how current NYC Detectives live on their salary? Christ.
I bet in the Soylent Universe the soap doesn’t fucking make you sick, like it fucking does here in the really real world.
At least video games still exist. Crickey.
Who are this man and woman again? Have they said?
Chuck Conners? OK.
Some…exposition…would be nice.
Tried to make a SpongeBob reference there, and ate it like Hannah Einbinder on an older woman.
That was one sad looking piece of beef in the fridge.
Cool matte paintings though.
That was the most polite and cooperative assassination I have ever seen.
Heston’s on the case and already questioning Violet Beauregarde’s Dad from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Being murdered with a custom crowbar should help the investigation a tad Chuckles.
Some of these futuristic sets and decorations look leftover from “A Clockwork Orange.”
A concubine that not only comes with the apartment, but that’s loyal as well. Nice.
I like how cops in this future just take whatever they fuck they want from an active crime scene.
They’re not funerals. They’e waste disposal. That’ll be next.
Heston riding a garbage truck home from work is as cool as anything McQueen did.
Heston’s tenement looks like Monty Python’s “Every Sperm Is Sacred” set piece.
God damn fucking-a right Chuckles took the fucking rich dead guy’s steak.
I think that when or if I get to Sol’s age the joy of seeing, not just eating fruits and vegetables, will be like this.
Brock Peters, as Arsenio did once proclaim – is in the house.
He did a great Darth Vader in the Star Wars radio dramas by the way. Give it a listen.
“The punk used a meathook instead of a gun to make it look like a punk.” said a possible future Best Line Winner.
No one says punk better than Eastwood, but Heston will take the silver for sure.
Cops getting paid a la carte for their work I think is being advanced by Mamdani.
It is so fucking hard not to make political jokes in these Schlocks.
Soylent Red looks like dehydrated watermelon chips.
Communal water spigots for the entire city. Again, getting closer.
Don’t wanna get stepped on by Charlton Heston? Don’t sleep on his fucking stairs asshole.
Wasn’t that a Petula Clark song?
‘Ole Chuck Connors got the Jungle Fever. If. You. Know. What. I. Mean.
What was on that spoon Heston stole?
I think the lettuce in this movie is currently safer to eat than ours.
Sol went with a stew for the stolen beef? Huh. I would’ve gone with a quick pan sear and ate it rare with the lettuce, celery, and apples in a salad.
Does that matter in any fucking way? No, but thought I’d share.
“People were always rotten, but the world was beautiful.” Yup once again.
I always thought that this was a sci fi action flick, but its really a murder mystery.
Strawberries were on that spoon. Priced at $150 a jar if you must know, and I know you do.
Ah, the NYC street backlot at MGM – sweet memories, I never thought it would be like this.
There are some truly lovely breasts in this movie, ’twas a pity none of them were bare.
Take that Wesley.
This is a concubine party? Sweet ass sweet.
Plus it has ice and tobacco? High class shit.
In this Soylent universe you can openly fuck the key witness to your murder investigation without any nagging from that killjoy Olivia Benson.
Heston. Defender Of The Concubines.
So I guess Charlie is a future pimp.
Heston and the concubine took a hot shower in one of those old glasses you used to get at Pizza Hut. If you know you now.
That was one truly tired priest.
A lovely arrangement of green orange and red.
Gramercy Park is now the last place for trees. For they passed a noble law, and the trees were all kept equal (Everybody!) by hatchet. Axe. And saw!
That’s two.
A corrupt Governor? Never.
Why the fuck are the lines for the confessional out of the fucking door in a fucking dystopia? Still with the God shit?
Chuck Connors delivers the fastest confession these eyes have ever seen.
Soylent Crumbs, Soylent Buns – gimme a break am I right folks?
Future cops are forced to wear poorly spray-painted football helmets when assigned to riot control.
Why is this street assassin so relevant in this huge crowd?
The Scoops are on the way!
Is that a bad thing? I could go for some ice cream in this hot riot.
They are quite literally trucks that scoop the crowd up and haul them away – so it’s not just a clever name.
While aiming at Heston, the hawkeye street assassin kills two people that aren’t Heston. One woman gets shot in the head and she screams like a banshee – which I don’t think can happen.
The shit assassin shoots Heston in the leg, but gets the AT-AT on Luke’s Snowspeeder treatment courtesy of a riot control Scooper. Good Riddance I say.
Heston Vs. Connors. Place Your bets.
God Damn Heston! He acted out the Jump Around lyrics to an absolute Soylent T by serving Connors’ ass like John McEnroe, and when his girl stepped up, he smacked the ho.
This movie is truly glorious for such a fucking downer.
Connors’ chick could have shaved her pits for this scene if you wanna argue aesthetics.
It’s the library shelves scene from the original Ghostbusters.
Two days off and you lose your job. I think all governmental policies are being lifted from old seventies and eighties movies.
Is this where green day got it from?
You can’t treat a concubine like that.
Can you?
Great. You go to a government funded suicide clinic, and you take your last walk on this rotten and unforgiving world with Dick Van Fucking Patten?
No paper in this future, so everything is done on those old Magic Slates where you wrote on it with a sharp thing and lifted it off the backing to erase it.
Voilà.
Yeah, I know how old I fucking am.
You get to die in a room in your favorite color, your favorite music plays, the end comes in a delicious drink, and you’re in a comfy bed with a giant iMax movie playing. C’mon.
No, we don’t get to hear the secret yet due to an unforeseen glitch in the communication equipment. What kind of movie do you think this is?
And that’s how you kill yourself in the Jack Kevorkian Center For Thinning The Herd.
With seventeen minutes to go, this had better turn into an action movie PDQ. If you’ll pardon my French there.
Are these ninjas or ICE agents?
Garbage trucks / hearses what’s the difference? Lets call the whole thing off.
I had a feeling Heston was gonna stowaway on one of these things eventually.
This is starting to remind me of “V”.
And how about that Jane Badler?
I just realized that in a movie with Edward G. Robinson, I did not make one 1930’s gangster joke.
I am getting very old very fast.
The Soylent factory sounds like Daft Punk.
That sounds like the password to the secret bar behind the bar, that is behind that bar.
Remember when real movie stars did their own real stunts?
The Soylent factory looks exactly like Axis Chemical from the outside.
Brock Peters was the prototype for the angry black police captain who could never tolerate his top detective no matter how much he respected him.
What is it with Heston being the hero of a film and still getting fucked in the denouement?
That’s twice.
Chuck vs. Chuck II! Ended in a KO by butcher knife to Connor’s gut.
Heston. Wins.
The oceans are far too depleted and dying to produce enough plankton to make Soylent Green, so everybody all together now…
SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE FROM PEOPLE!!!
If this classic fifty three year old movie with one of the most popular lines in science fiction was just spoiled for you – then, well, maybe we shouldn’t see each other anymore.
What year?: 2022
Who are the Enemies?: Clandestine corporate recycling programs
What Happened to the Earth?:Overpopulation / Global warming / Pollution
Final Thoughts:More of a future-noir murder mystery than sci-fi if you ask me and no one did. Sure it turns out that the biggest corporation on the planet was turning the overpopulate into Wheat Thins, but let us not forget here people – an old white-collar millionaire with a 23 year old concubine was killed. And that will not be tolerated.
Was It Entertaining:
Score: 7.5 Times Brock Peters Wouldn’t Share His Soylent Red With Me (out of 10)
