Death Race 2000 (1975)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: What Nascar could truly become if any of those rednecks had the balls.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Why did this movie start off with old school Charlie Brown animation?
• David Carradine gets top billing in this, hopefully he’ll hang around to the end. Had to get that joke out as early as poss.
• It seems the designer of the film’s logo did not have a ruler or any sort of straight edge whilst drawing.
• This fucking high school band is as fucking terrible as mine was during our graduation.
• These matte shots, while impressive for the budgets Corman always had – were clearly rendered in colored pencil. Christ, he couldn’t even afford tempera?
• If the orange dog dick ever sees this film, he’ll make congress put pedestrians on the track at next year’s Daytona.
• Don Steele! Right on, I haven’t seen him since he judged the make-up contest in Kiss Meets The Phantom of the Park. I still wonder if Lisa’s Peter Criss won the day.
• Woronov plays Calamity Jane and looks pretty hot in this, plus she took second place in 1998.
• It’s great watching old movies whose future is already the pretty distant past at the present time.
• Did I write that correctly?
• Anyway…
• Wow. The TV announcer says that the President is loved by everybody, then a smash cut to a gang of nazis in the stands for the race. Like Chuck Berry said, it goes to show ya never can tell.
  

•  As it turns out, the nazis are rooting for Matilda “The Hun” out of Milwaukee. The “Swastika Sweetheart” is accompanied by her navigator who just happens to be Gopher from the fucking Love Boat. 

•  And his name is Herman “The German” Spok. This movie’s charm would slide your panties off in seconds ladies.

•  Frankenstein is treated rather mysteriously – must be the protagonist.

•  Racer Ray “Nero The Hero” Lonagan is played by Martin Kove. So please let it be known that fear will no longer exist in this dojo. Is there a problem Mr. Laurence?

•  In the year of our lord 1975, the black leather Phantom of the Paradise look was quite en vogue thanks to Frankenstein adapting it for himself.

•  Frank’s navigator looks like the mom from Growing Pains.

•  Joe “Machine Gun” Viterbo could only be portrayed by Sylvester Stallone, so he does.

•  I’ve always said, put a machine gun in Stallone’s hands and he’ll make the Rambo face when he shoots it. Even in 1975.

•  This is New York?

•  The President calls us all his children. ick.

•  The Crash of 1979? Did he mean The Clash?

•  The race is about to start, and what three words gave Bruce Jenner the most happiness?

•  And they’re off! 

•  Yes, when you come out of the Lincoln Tunnel on the New Jersey side you see nothing but fucking mountains. Corman!

•  I like how the racers split up to use their favorite routes to the finish. That would make Nascar a lot less boring.

•  Frank’s navigator is a double agent. Cousin Oliver and Bobby were right!

•  Frank lost his left eye and nose in 1997 – must have taken some of the fun out of seeing the Star Wars Special Editions. 

•  The world lost it’s Left Eye in Honduras in 2002.

•  Stallone’s car has the same sound FX as the ’66 Batmobile.

•  Fucking Pages on Mac keeps auto-finishing “Stallone” as “Stalin.” What are the machines trying to tell us?

•  Finally some death in this Death Race.

•  Toddlers under 12 are 70 points – you drive through a few schools and the prize is yours.

•  Anyone, any sex, over seventy years old is 100 points. People would applaud the inclusive phrasing forgetting that it’s advocating the vehicular homicide of the elderly.

•  Some asshole redneck decides to play toreador with Calamity Jane – and Woronov is now on the boards with her first kill.

•  Euthanasia Day at the local hospital. If only am i right?

•  Frankenstein ignores the 700 points of old people and goes for the mere 110 points killing the doctors and nurses instead. I love topical humor, so I can only wish it was Luigi Mangione driving.

•  A baby doll bomb kills Nero The Hero, so consider that Myagi intervention.

•  Matilda kills two idiots brilliantly.

•  Balboa with the head crush! Top notch!

•  He really does eat lightning and crap thunder.

•  Imagine if the athletes today did their interviews naked while getting massages? The WNBA might get a few more viewers. Just spitballin’ here pals & gals.

•  Mary Woronov always comes through in the clutch going full frontal. When you need to go to 11, count on the crazies from The Factory.

•  It was nice to see everyone naked.

•  Seeing Carradine slow dance with his navigator wearing nothing but speedos, one glove, and half of his mask however; I could have went for popcorn at that point.

•  Hindsight is 20/20 my friend.

•  Say what you want about Corman, but he filled his flicks with plenty of tits to get the asses in the seats.

•  The Deacon of the Bi-Partisan Party is run over and killed by Frank. They say you shouldn’t look for allegory all the time – but sometimes it just screams at ya.

•  Getting run over to profess your love for your favorite driver is no way to pledge a Sorority sweetheart.

•  Three of the T-Birds from the all-over-60 cast of “Grease” at your service.

•  This high-speed argument twixt Stallone and his big-titted navigator can only be funny whilst on the marajuanas.

•  Frank was right, that was a fucking lame ass ambush attempt by the Rebellion. Did they not know how many Bothans died to get them that information? Seriously, I’d like a number.

•  Sly gets all of the gory kills! This time he ran over fisherman and peeled out on his ass, shooting his guts everywhere.

•  That’s entertainment!

•  It looked like what happens to me if I ingest any sort of dairy nowadays.

•  It’s Calamity Jane vs. Matilda: place your bets.

•  Matilda gets killed with the fucking false entrance over a cliff gag that was perfected, and more than likely patented, by the fucking Road Runner.

•  I can’t tell if Annie not running over Tom Sawyer on that lonely road was a test or not.

•  Christ, Annie gave up the Rebellion’s whole fucking plot after one question. Leia’s resistance to the mind probe was so considerable when she was being tortured on the Death Star, that this weak-minded cunt could learn a thing or two about keeping something on the down low boy howdy.

•  That was for you Carrie.

•  Clam sauce and cigars? Stallone really didn’t come into his own until he started playing polo.

•  It wasn’t the Rebellion who killed the racers, it was the French! A more orange dog dick reason could not be invented.

•  Sly vs. Frankenstein in a worse stunt double ever one fall.

•  Frankenstein spills it that he’s just one of many state wards raised to be a Frankenstein so that he appears to be invincible.

•  Well sure, what else do you use wards of the state for? Fucking Bruce Wayne can’t take them all in. I mean Wayne Manor has what, maybe 15 bathrooms? That’s not enough. Not even close. With my Manor full of state wards, I’d never come up from the Batcave at all. Maybe to grab a chocolate coconut water and a 5 pack of sugar plum baby Jeets – but I wouldn’t hang out with any of them. I have a fucking Batcave, what could you possibly interest me with? Your boilerplate origin story of how you were left on the front steps of a firehouse on a snowy night in a specially colored blanket that only the royal family of a country that has way too many consonants in it’s name could decipher? I have the Batcomputer for the love of Harley Quinn’s remarkably tight bisexual ass. You think it’s incredible to get an Amazon package in a day? I have a chunk of Kryptonite in a lead safe in case I ever need to kill Superman – and yeah, he knows I have it. He fucking gave it to me bitch.

•  Sorry. Miles away…

•  Now that she’s fucked Frank a few times, Annie now gets in the car a lot cooler.

•  Think about it. Have you ever seen Sly in a movie where he doesn’t end up wearing one of those white eyebrow bandages?

•  In the old days, stuntmen would literally roll into the camera and it would make the cut.

•  A land mine takes out Calamity Jane. Shit. No more naked Mary Woronov.

•  Oh well, back to the grind.

•  The Rebellion hideout looks like the inside of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems. If you know, you know.

•  Whatever budget there was obviously went into this special aircraft fight scene.

•  I’m guessing flash pots that look like gunfire were cheap, or Corman at least got them at cost.

•  This is a Corman flick after all, there’s gonna be some great driving stunts.

•  And there are.

•  I have no idea why that plane crashed.

•  Christ, the way Annie seems to have Stockholm Syndrome would be like if Leia watched Alderaan get destroyed, looked at Tarkin and Vader and said, “Hey, whatareyagonnado? We all got a job to do here.”

•  Hand with a grenade in it. A hand grenade son, it’s a joke you see.

•  Did Quentin reference some of this stunt driving in Death Proof?

•  Not only are these cars not street legal, I bet Corman didn’t have permits to film them racing.

•  Stallone gets blown up real good thanks to the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch embedded in his fake palm.

•  Frankenstein has killed the President and the Death Star will be in firing range in three minutes.

•  It was all those Rebellion jokes that made me go Star Wars I think.

•  But it was Annie dressed as Frankenstein with a nude Frankenstein waiting in the car that really polished my pink pearl.

•  Frankenstein becomes President, marries Annie, puts the Rebellion leader in charge of immigration, Linda McMahon in charge of education, and abolishes the Death Race.

•  Three rights makes a left.

•  Good night, show’s over.

What year?: 2000

Who are the Enemies?: Drivers with no regard for public safety

What Happened to the Earth?: The World Crash of 1979 / Civil unrest and economic ruin

Final Thoughts: Much like Fade to Black – this was a movie talked about a lot in my primary school days. When it finally hit cable it was a tough watch, because as some of you might remember from past video clips – Cinemax would play that feature only at night. So I had to rely on the stories told at lunch and recess about a Frankenstein guy who looked like Darth Vader, Rocky running people over with a car that looked like a machine gun; and a naked press conference.

Was It Entertaining:

Score: 8 Star Wars References One Year Early Of Its Fiftieth (out of 10)