Rollerball (1975)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: The future of sport.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Sonny Corleone, Octopussy, Admiral Motti, and Gold Leader! This is a well-stocked wine cellar.
• Toccata and Fugue in D minor for an opening theme – ballsy.
• If this came out three years after it did, it would have been succinctly pitched as Star Wars meets Roller Derby by an exec.
• John Houseman is in his private box – wonder if he’ll get booed like the orange dog dick.
• These Rollerball teams look like they’re all big Judas Priest fans.
• Multicams are everywhere. See? Nothing really that new under the sun.
• Our corporate anthem? I’m taking a knee.
• I’m waiting for the stadium’s organist to rip into Lady of Spain any minute now.
  
• To go from The Godfather to Rollerball. Hollywood’s weird. I remember when Sir Anthony Hopkins went from Silence of The Lambs to fucking Freejack. That movie suh-huh-hucked.
• I didn’t realize this game was played on a giant roulette wheel.
• OK, lemme try to figure out how this game is played…
• Umm. OK.
• So the ball flies out like pinball, first team to grab it is on offense, you have to get it into what looks like a small magnetic net for a goal. In between that there’s a ton of Roller Derby shit whose rules I still don’t understand to this day, like offsides in soccer.
• Holy fuck the foley in this movie is bad.
• Houseman is like the Steinbrenner.
  
• The best player on the team gets his own TV show. Kinda like now.
• Are those drugs or Altoids being shared?
• I keep expecting to see Reggie Dunlop whenever the camera cuts to Jonathan.
• Looks like the seventies Eye of Sauron is placed on the top of the main corporate building.
• I was hoping Motti here would tell Jonathan that this corporation is now the ultimate power in the universe.
• Fucking team owners.
• I wonder if this is what it was like when the Yanks granted Reggie free agency in 1981.
• An executive can just take your wife if he wants her? The Henny Youngman Act of 1973 needs to be repealed some say.
• Is that Princess Ardala from Buck Rogers? Fucking A!
• If you don’t like the color orange, this is not the movie for you.
• Should we be seeing this reunion with the old coach?
• OK, so they’re not Altoids.
• It’s a decent flick so far, but the backstory could be brought a little bit more forward for a bit methinks.
• Is the classical music supposed to be a metaphor for something? It’s very odd choices.
• Seems like we got a young upstart here with “toughie.”
• Or not. Thanks Jonathan.
• Jonathan does not want to retire, he just wanted the books he ordered. They have become classified however and are currently unavailable. Fucking Amazon.
• All of the world’s books are gone and digitized to supercomputers in Washington and Geneva. That’s probably not too far off either.
• Who wouldn’t want a multi-monitor setup to watch tapes of Octopussy dashing through the heather like she’s bellowing for Heathcliff.
• This was the first major Hollywood film to feature the stunt team in the credit. And they fucking deserved it. This is George Miller shit.
• So I guess Daphne is a corporate whore and not the live-in caretaker for Martin.
• Against Tokyo, there will be no penalties and limited substitutions. Houston really wants Jonathan to hang up the skates.
• Everyone seems to be giving Jonathan the Adrian attitude of, “you can’t win Rock!”
• The Altoids are very popular.
• Ah, they’re actually aphrodisiacs. makes sense I guess.
• And here’s a workout in the gym scene for all the ladies in the house.
• Fucking Robert Ito? Quincy’s assistant Sam?
• I sense a huge Houston beating thanks to Moonpie’s extreme hubris.
• Now we’re at Bobby Fleckman’s label signing party for Spinal Tap.
• Moonpie like ‘em 2 at a time – if you catch my meaning.
• This Daphne is fucking creepy.
• The dancing at this party is atrocious. Somebody put on some Van McCoy for the love of Tony Manero.
  
• Why is the coach so blown away by Jonathan’s highlight reel? He was there for every moment live. Douchebag.
• The corporations fear Jonathan – probably the same way the Penguins fear Lemieux.
• These rich cunts ran out into the woods just to blow up trees with rockets. _LINK eat the rich-
• Was one of those party guests Ursa?
• What in the name of getting shot to death at Jones Beach was the point of the last 10 minutes of this film?
• Daphne was due for that wake-up slap
• Sorry. She just was.
• I hope this movie doesn’t end like the Bad News Bears.
• This movie should have been told in flashback by and old Jonathan or something like that, there are a lot of scenes that really need a fucking narrator.
• The seventies sure did a lot for the Hammond organ.
• Gee, is Moonpie gonna get killed?
• The Tokyo teams skates like Devo.
• Piss on Eddie Shore! Old time Rollerball!
• I like a game where the dead players are a vital stat.
• Moonpie’s down. I repeat, Moonpie is down.
• Hopefully Jonathan is gonna get really pissed off by this and give the Tokyo team his own Hiroshima/Nagasaki how do you do.
• Yup, vengeance is Caan’s.
• Lotsa dead in this match conyo.
• This is turning into The Road Warrior.
• Nope, Moonpie is just brain dead as it happens.
• This wasn’t even the championship game? Sweet fucking Easter chocolate.
• Look everyone! It’s a 1975 Zoom call.
• Now we know where the Venture Bros. got the look for the Council of 13.
• 70’s computer punch cards. You kids will never know.
• All of this shit about how the super computer Zero is corrupted is kinda unnecessary. It’s just the last chance to give some more backstory.
• Zero has about the same success rate for helping as Siri does.
• Jonathan’s wife was given to an executive, but he can still fuck her. Society’s rules are harder to follow than Rollerball’s.
• Ooof. Even in 1975 erasing your chick’s mix tape was the ultimate hasta la vista baby.
• Of course the championship game is against New York.
• Jimmy Caan is without a doubt, the only motherfucker who ever looked remotely cool on those old school skates.
• Houston vs. New York.
  
• Even more death in this game.
• The actor playing Houston’s coach is terrible.
• The first period has 3 minutes left to go, and it’s Jonathan and a biker and a skater for NY on the track because everyone else is dead. Fuck the Super Bowl.
• I hope Jonathan yells, “I fight for me!!!”
• Jonathan kills the skater right in front of Houseman, spares the biker’s life, and scores the winning and only goal of the game.
• Oh yeah.
• The crowd roars his name as he takes a decisive fuck you victory lap.
• They root for him!!
• I really thought Caan was gonna tackle the camera, and I bet he did – but that freeze frame shot worked perfectly.

What year?: 2018

Who are the Enemies?: Corporations that now govern

What Happened to the Earth?: Corporatocracy / Suppression of individualism

Final Thoughts: I know without ever seeing it that the remake of this sucks, so:

The mid to late seventies damn near perfected the sports film, turning them into great comedies, thoroughly enjoyable dramas, and even sci-fi dystopian tales. This movie had some great ingredients in it, and the stunt work should have gotten an Oscar – it just needed to be maybe 15 minutes shorter. I’m sure there’s a fanedit out there that tightened it up a bit. And if so, well done.

Was It Entertaining:

Score: 6.5 Laps Around A Giant Roulette Table Not Really Knowing What To Do (out of 10)