Review: Captain USA: Civil Warren Oates

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*SPOILER WARS BELOW!*

BRAD: So was the only real reason Scarlet Witch was on Capt. America’s side was because Iron Man made her stay at the Avenger’s HQ? And what what was Ant-Man’s loyalty for? If I was Ant-Man and saw that I was against Iron Man, War Machine and Vision I’d run for the hills.

BRIAN: Yeah it seemed so. You’d think that she’d be on Iron Man’s side since the deaths in Bucharest were kind of her fault. And Black Widow, who’s a fucking assassin, probably should have been on Cap’s side. But you can’t have all the super powered people on one side.

Yeah Ant-Man’s sole motivation was to be in this movie. There was nothing in it for him at all. Same goes for Spider-Man. What was the point of Tony recruiting him? Maybe Tony heard Cap’s side was getting Ant-Man and figured they should have a bug-based hero on their side. These aren’t really gripes though, just things that didn’t make all that much sense, but the movie is good enough that you can forgive these things, unlike Batman v Superman, which was all gripes, all the time.

BRAD: OK, we’re done.

9 Vials of Super-Soldier serum in a trunk of an Oldsmobile (out of 10).

BRIAN: 8.75 wet dreams about Aunt May (out of 10).

I really wish at the end when Bucky went back into the freezing pod Cap would have said, “I love you.” and Bucky would have said, “I know.”

BRAD: It took me about 5 hours to overcome my trepidation about Peter Parker having Marisa Tomei as an Aunt. I’m over it and welcome her with open arms.

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I wonder for how many movies they’ll have Bucky frozen for? 1? Maybe they’ll find out that he has an Infinity Gem in his rectum and Thanos wants it.

It would’ve been funny if instead of Capt. America being so defiant about the Sokovia Accords and starting a feud with Tony Stark, he just becomes a big baby and never wants to join them in fighting anymore. Like, Iron Man is assembling the team to fight Kang and his minions and Captain America is sitting on the couch eating Fritos and watching football.

BRIAN: Yeah it was a big change but a welcome one. The old biddy Aunt May is a pretty antiquated, played out thing. Spider-Man was great overall and his voice wasn’t quite as 4-year-old girly as I first thought with the initial reveal trailer. I’m actually looking forward to seeing his solo picture, whereas I would have rather hung myself from the scrotum with webbing over a pit of black widows than see The Amazing Spider-Man 3.

I can’t imagine the Avengers will be fighting the almighty Thanos, the Mad Titan, over the fate of the universe, and someone saying, “Man, we should go get Bucky, he would really be useful here.”

And then Cap becomes a pudgy layabout and my wife stops drooling over him and it saves my marriage!

Did Zemo have to lure everyone to Siberia to show them that video? Was that the only copy? How did he find out about it in the first place?

BRAD: That was the last place on earth that had a working VCR to play the tape!

Speaking of that tape, he knew of the event and that there was a tape but needed to obtain it to show the Avengers. How does he know anything about it in the first place?

And was it just me or were those 8-10 phrases to control the Winter Soldier a bit odd. I know he’s like the Manchurian Candidate and can be mind-controlled but why those words and why so many? This is a movie with a horny android and a guy with a suit that can shrink to the size of an atom, do we really need such weird antiquated ways of mind-control? I’m sure there’s a Marvel villain that could’ve been used to control Bucky better than phrases like “Furnace” “Freight Car” and “Nine.” Unless there’s a reason for those phrases but then again there’s like 10 of them. By the time a villain is at 5, anything could stop them from finishing if they’re in a high action area.

Speaking of Bucky, How is he actually alive? What I mean is Captain was born in the ’30s or whatever and was frozen in the antarctic for decades. Where was Bucky after he fell from the train in the ’40s? Did Hydra find this guy in the crevice of that mountain and freeze him until the ’90s? That would mean that they had a Winter Soldier program already in the works and finally found their man for the project. But why did they wait so long to use him for missions? I’m a tad stumped by he also being a character “out-of-time” like Captain America.

BRIAN: That would have been an awesome plot. Zemo had that tape but it was Betamax so he had nothing to play it in and had to scour the globe for a Betamax player.

No No...BETA-max!

No No…BETA-max!

Yeah that wasn’t too clear how he knew about the tape. Or why there was a camera there on that lonesome road in the first place. Or why Bucky shot the camera if Hydra was going to keep the tape anyway. Or how Tony instantly recognized 10 feet of random road.

I assumed that they unfroze and froze him back when they needed him for the most impossible of missions, like running a car off a road and opening a trunk. That scene was probably the worst one in the movie. They could have done that so much better.

BRAD: So Zemo hatched a plan to get the tape but couldn’t get it from that one guy so he hatches a further plot to steal the information to mind control the Winter Soldier to get the tape. To do this he has to kill a psychologist to pose as him to infiltrate a UN base to get close to The Winter Soldier and set off a bomb that wipes out the power of the UN base. All so Bucky can escape, while under Zemo’s control and get that tape. But I don’t recall Zemo asking Bucky to do this or how to do this. But his overall scheme is to cause a huge rift with the Avengers and make them kill each other because of what’s on that tape because he blames them for inadvertently killing his family (who were watching the Sokovia fight like it was a sporting event) even though they were really trying to save the world and stop Ultron (but whatever). But they were already fighting because of the Sokovia Accords, yet that was undercut by Iron Man wanting to arrest Bucky. So for a brief moment at the UN base in Berlin, Bucky was under Zemo’s control but was saved by Capt. America and was hiding out until they can get to that Siberian base where the tape was. But why would they want to go to that base other to get Zemo, which I don’t remember if they even knew who he really was by that time and where to find him. So they go to the base to find Zemo or whatever to get him and kill the other Winter Soldiers but alone because they lost their allies at the big fight at the airport. But Zemo didn’t know that Iron Man would be there too. Stark had just received the information by Friday (his new Jarvis) that the dead psychologist was found and that the real perp was in fact Zemo…but Zemo didn’t tell Iron Man where to find him. Stark had to do a ruse in that sea-prison where the allies were kept and get that information from Falcon. What if Falcon, still pissed at Iron Man, didn’t tell him jack shit? Demo’s plan would’ve taken forever or failed completely since his tape could’ve been destroyed by Bucky and Cap before Iron Man even arrived. Even if he made copies of the tape, if Iron Man took longer to arrive at that Siberian base, I’m sure Bucky and Cap would’ve figured out a way to kill or arrest Zemo. And Black Panther always seemed to show up at the right place at the right time in every single scene.

Am I confused or did all this seem kinda convoluted?

BRIAN: Yeah it was a little overly complicated. Zemo could have just sent Iron Man that tape with a note that said “Watch Me” earlier on in the picture.Then Iron Man would have been more motivated to put people together and go after Bucky. So convoluted yeah but not enough to make me dislike it. At least Tony and Bucky’s moms didn’t have the same first name. 

BRAD: Yeah I’m just rehashing the plot in my head to make sure I understood it and it’s a bit wonky but not even close to making me bothered by it in the slightest.

 

BRIAN: William Hurt’s acting makes Harrison Ford’s voiceover in Blade Runner seem like Daniel Day-Lewis’s milkshake speech. Could they have possibly made a worse choice casting a hotheaded general who’s constantly angry at superheroes? Him giving the Avengers the third degree about the destruction they’d inadvertently caused had the same tone as a 90-year-old man reading what’s on the buffet at Golden Corral. He’s just the worst.

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BRAD: So you’re saying that having him as Thundebolt Ross “hurt” the film a little bit?

 

BRIAN: Every time he spoke I got a big chill.

And I just rewatched that Sokovia battle scene from Age of Ultron. The Avengers saved hundreds of lives and stopped an extinction-level event. So why’s everyone pissed at them again?

BRAD: Well to be fair, Stark did create Ultron which ultimately lead to the annihilation of Sokovia.

BRIAN: But nobody ever talked about it from that perspective. It was just that the Avengers were out of control. And if that was the case, they should have just arrested Tony Stark.

BRAD: Exactly! He’s the loose cannon causing all the trouble. And now he’s essentially the cause of a Spider-Man terrorizing NYC!

BRIAN: Then he should be the only one punished. Lock him in a room with “Thunderbolt” Ross for an hour and bore him into submission.

BRAD: I was thinking more about those Sokovia Accords and the UN pretty much wants to reign in superheroes because on their own they cause too much havoc and collateral damage in their battles. But if the UN had them under control and sent them on sanctioned battles that still wouldn’t help the damage that the superheroes cause. The whole Sokovia Accord is just one big power trip for the UN, which lets be honest, never has not will have much authority over anyone.

BRIAN: I don’t even really get how that would work. Say Mole Man attacks Kansas City with an army of lava people, the Avengers have to wait for the UN to give them the go-ahead?

BRAD: So at the end of the day the Avengers and all the human victims are really defeated by bureaucratic red-tape.

And where was SHIELD in all of this? Not one word from Nick Fury in this film? Shouldn’t his opinion matter most since he’s essentially in charge of The Avengers? Or did I forget a key scene in the last few movies of the link between SHIELD and the team?

BRIAN: So now if Spider-Man sees Green Goblin tossing pumpkin bombs into a school he has to call “Thunderbore” Ross first before he can engage? Ponderous.

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Wasn’t Fury out of SHIELD after he “died” or something? He did rescue everyone from the floating city at the end of Ultron, though.

BRAD: I haven’t seen Age of Ultron since last summer but yeah he was there as leader of SHIELD but I don’t remember what happened at the end to him.

I keep forgetting to mention the opening fight with Crossbones and how disposable he was even though he had a huge reason to be vengeful of Captain America. And was what he trying to rob have anything to do with the rest of the plot? I don’t recall because the film was 3 hours long.

And after 3 days since seeing it, I’m still very glad at how awesome Spidey was done but I know deep down he was completely shoe-horned into this film for no real reason other than to show Sony how much they sucked at making Spider-Man movies.

I wonder why Iron Man didn’t ask Daredevil or Luke Cage to join his fight.

BRIAN: Yeah I don’t think that biological weapon came back into play. I guess it was just a Moogufflin.

I wish they would have explained just a wee bit how Iron Man knew Peter Parker was Spider-Man. But yeah according to the MCU Daredevil is the most well-known superhero in New York, so you’d think Daredevil would be on his list. They could have had a two-minute scene where Iron Man asked Daredevil to join him and Daredevil turned him down.

BRAD: Daredevil would never see Stark’s point of view. He just can’t.

BRIAN: He can’t see anything at all! AT ALL!

BRAD: Did you find it odd that a teenager like Peter Parker can make the web and web shooters but needs Iron Man to make a suit for him? I can buy that a kid can be a genius (plus it goes in line with the character in the comics) but having Iron Man make his suit kinda diminishes the character’s smarts a little bit, no?

Did you think the tone of Civil War was appropriate? I’ve read some reviews that said it was inconsistent with the somewhat dark depressing tones of the guilt and lost family members and friends to jokes and light-heartedness in the major battle scenes. Personally, as a fan of these Marvel movies I think that’s been there strength and their niche with balancing the tones out within the movies. They know when to be serious and fun even in the same movie and I think it works. Whereas DC is going for all dark and depressing and its sucking the life and joy out of them.

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BRIAN: I’m ok with it because the webshooters are a mechanical thing and they probably weren’t perfect whereas he’s not a fucking seamstress so it never sat well with me in the other movies where he made his own suit.

Yeah I didn’t mind the tone at all. I’d much rather have contrast than complete misery throughout.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

BRAD: I’m kinda out of nitpicks and funny observations. I thoroughly enjoyed the flick and can easily say it’s in the top 5 best Marvel movies to date. It had great action scenes and seeing all these characters interact and fight was a real hoot. I know you didn’t grow up reading these comics but I can safely say they are doing everything right with these heroes. The banter and joking is totally in line with the feel and tone of those Marvel comics in the golden years and it’s just so much fun to watch. The humor especially was best in this and it wasn’t just because Paul Rudd and Spider-Man was in it cracking jokes but even when Hawkeye is trying to stop Vision it was fun and comical. This was the perfect summer popcorn flick and I highly recommend this to anyone. It was the perfect antidote to the poison that was Batman v. Superman. DC and WB have to be eating their hearts out after seeing Civil War

9 Vials of Super-Soldier serum in a truck of an Oldsmobile (out of 10).

BRIAN: Not a perfect superhero picture but much better than Age of Ultron and Winter Soldier. The big fight in the middle is worth the price of admission alone, and the Spider-Man scenes are refreshingly good. The UN and Zemo plots don’t really work 100%, but overall it’s a fun, dare I say it, romp. Just like a William Hurt interview. 

8.75 wet dreams about Aunt May (out of 10).

 

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