Review: Batman v. Superman: Yawn of Just Ass

BatmanXXXSuperman

 

*KRYPTONIAN SPOILERS BELOW!*

BRAD: I was reminded about future Flash in the dream that Batman had and he said something like “Lois Lane is the key” or something about Lois Lane but what the fuck was he really talking about?

BRIAN: Who knows. I guess that desert dream sequence was actually the future and Batman gets Lois killed at some point and it drives Superman nuts so he forms an army that kills people and apparently they’re also working with Darkseid’s Mansquitos? How the fuck did everything go so wrong with this franchise already?

BRAD: But Bruce Wayne and Flash haven’t met each other yet and Flash from the future goes to visit someone he doesn’t know to warn him about things he can’t comprehend yet? How fucking dumb.

The main problem with these DC movies is that our heroes are mopey, pissed and depressing. There’s no humor or even smiling. Superman is a total manic-depressive. Why does he fucking bother to save anyone. He’s totally not enjoying it and just seems like he’s being burdened with helping things. That montage of him saving the lady from the fire and the rocket mishap should’ve been light and kinda fun for the audience to see because he’s Superman and these kind of things should be so easy for him to do. Like the old Reeve Superman movies he’s waving to people as he’s saving them and even going so far to helping little girls with their kittens in trees to show that he likes humankind and wants to help them in any way possible no matter how trivial. Sender’s Superman looks like he grumbles God dammit whenever he has to put on his costume.

I was actually thinking yesterday after a day of digesting this shit sandwich that I may have liked it a tad more than Man of Steel because at the very least it wasn’t all about mopey Superman but had a half-way decent mopey Batman that had some half-way decent action scenes but then I remembered that my favorite actor Jesse Eisenberg was in this and I’m back to hating it as much as Man of Steel.

Go fuck an iceberg Eisenberg!

Go fuck an iceberg Eisenberg!

BRIAN: Yeah why wouldn’t Flash go back to a later time? Why did he go back at all? At the end Batman was bros with Superman anyway, so it seems like he didn’t change anything. And Flash also said something like, ‘FIND US!!” but Batman had the hard drive already and was going to do that anyway. I think they tried to justify all that at the end by Batman telling Wonder Woman that they have to find the other “meta-humans” because he had a feeling there was a fight ahead and I guess that was due to his stupid dream sequences. But the Flash scene was also presented as a dream because Bruce was asleep? Ugh. Zack Snyder is just the worst.

The movie basically made Batman and Superman the exact same character. The only real difference between them was Superman had heat vision. Superman is supposed to be the hopeful one, but they made the genius decision to have him full of despair like an abused 15-year-old girl.

By far the best action scene was when Batman saved Martha Kent, but it still wasn’t all that great.

I truly don’t understand what they were going for with Lex Luthor. He’s supposed to be this stoic, authoritative figure who’s diabolically cunning but cool about it and is basically Superman’s non-powered equal, and instead they made him into a kid who forgot to take his Ritalin and acts out Heath Ledger’s Joker scenes in front of a mirror. But what else were you expecting with Jesse Eisenberg.

 

BRAD: Why didn’t they just have present-day Flash come to try to persuade Batman to not hate Superman or to try to form a team? Or have Flash try to befriend Superman and Batman has to … oh never mind.

The movie also tries to make us believe that in just a short 18 months that there’s enough love and praise for this mopey Superman that they make a 50-foot statue to him, yet on the other hand there are a ton of people who distrust and are fearful of Superman and are protesting him. That’s a bit extreme don’t you think? Has there ever been a statue erected of someone so polarized?

I like how Lex kills senators and blows up half of the US Capitol building to frame Superman yet, nothing ever comes out of that or is it ever addressed again. By the end of the film he’s exonerated so much that he gets a military funeral. And I kinda wish Doomsday actually terrorized Metropolis or Gotham (or better yet both!) to help establish a better savior in Superman (and Batman and Wonder Woman) to the general populous. That would make more of an impact to the title “Dawn of Justice” and the need for a Justice League of meta-humans and superheroes that there are greater threats that the military can’t solve on their own and that the people can trust superheroes to save them. Doomsday was literally created and destroyed without anyone really knowing squat about the threat. Because remember, this film goes out of its way to tell us that most of the destruction made by the fighting was done in uninhabited places.

How it should've happened.

How it should’ve happened.

Like I said, I liked most of the Batman stuff but really, we’ve seen way better action sequences (Like the Daredevil TV show for instance) and this Batman was one of the worst detective Batman’s we’ve ever saw. Like how he put on a transponder for the Kryptonite in the LexCorp truck but then attacks it anyway with the Batmobile. Wouldn’t it be more like Batman to use that transponder to locate where the kryptonite was being kept and stealthily steal it later. Christ, even when he was trying to be stealthy at Lex’s house he failed by leaving the hard drive thing hanging out in the open for Wonder Woman to take. I also would’ve liked detective Batman to actually search and research about Superman’s history, culture etc. to get to better know his enemy. He never once goes in the Kryptonian ship to investigate Superman’s origins to find a weakness. Speaking of which, how did he know that Kryptonite can harm Superman? Was that ever addressed?

They failed the worst with Lex Luthor though. Not only was he criminally portrayed by that fucking one-note sniveling hack actor Eisenberg but he was just a lame psychotic kid. He had little or no motivation in this film. If anything he should’ve been more of a wealthy influential tycoon (like how he is usually) that can influence or try to anyway to make people distrust Superman. Lex should’ve had a nefarious plan FIRST, then realize that Superman is a threat to his overall plan, then try to destroy Superman. This film just made him hate Superman and his goal was to obtain the Kryptonite to kill him but that was basically it. He didn’t want more wealth or power over people. I would’ve liked it better if everyone loved Superman because he’s always there to protect us yet Lex Luthor is the only one who finds fault with him and thinks he’s dangerous and then tries to get Batman to help him.

I don’t remember what Superman was doing while Batman was saving Martha Kent (was he confronting Lex in the ship?) but it would’ve been a great scene if Batman and Superman teamed-up to help Martha Kent which would’ve strengthened their friendship and showed Batman start to warm up to Superman. One fight with a huge monster (a monster brought to being because of the same alien technology from Superman’s world—which you would think would infuriate Batman even more) makes Batman respect and honor Superman. Such abysmally bad screenwriting.

BRIAN: Right, the memorial wall is fine but the gigantic statue made zero sense in context, and would have caused a complete shitstorm outcry from half the city that hated him.

I liked how the room that houses Lex Luthor’s computer servers with all of that sensitive top secret data wasn’t even locked. And then Wonder Woman stole it from Bruce, for no real reason other than to introduce her, and seemingly does absolutely nothing with it. That actually made her look dumb, that Batman had to open the file for her and send her the contents. Then Batman saw an old photo in the file and automatically assumed it was her. How did he even know it was an authentic photo? I can take a photo of myself and change the file name to 1975.jpg and in Batman’s eyes that’s when the photo was taken.

I honestly don’t remember how Batman knew that kryptonite could harm Superman. But there are so many assumptions in this movie that it really doesn’t matter. He just knew that it did and he had to track that Lexcorp truck to the Lexcorp warehouse.

Exactly, cold, ruthless businessman Lex (played by Bryan Cranston) discovers Bruce Wayne is Batman, invites Bruce to a party and talks to him about what a menace Superman really is, playing on Bruce’s anger from the Metropolis event, like he lost a lot of Lexcorp employees to, etc. Then he’s all “Well too bad fuckin’ Batman isn’t around anymore to handle this shit” and Bruce is all “Oh yeah watch this shit.”

bryan-cranston-lex-luthor

Batman being the one to save Martha Kent made zero sense. Superman could’ve just flown in and taken her, and Batman could have confronted Lex. They didn’t know about Doomsday at that point, so there was no reason for Batman not to go, other than the plot needed Superman there instead.

So, Martha Kent and Lois Lane are still in grave danger, right? Lex still knows Superman is Clark Kent (somehow). He’s just going to stop bothering them just because he’s in jail?

BRAD: I’m still laughing at how Perry White didn’t want Clark Kent to cover that Batman vigilante in nearby Gotham story but instead wanted him to cover the Metropolis high school Football game.

BRIAN: Yeah isn’t Perry White’s character based on always wanting to go after a sensational newsworthy story? If Clark was just writing about high school sports, why was he sitting in on meetings? At the end of Man of Steel, wasn’t Perry excited to have Clark on board as a reporter? He was excited about the new high school sportswriter? Usually interns handle that sort of assignment. 

BRAD: Maybe Perry White is secretly in cahoots with Batman and is trying to cover for him by leading his reporters away from uncovering anything.

If Batman was so hell bent on killing Superman why didn’t he just make bullets with Kryptonite points instead of making bullets that emitted Kryptonite perfume for Superman to inhale? Like why a close up weapon like a crude cave-man spear when he can keep his distance and shoot him with dozens of bullets laced with Kryptonite?

BRIAN: That would be the only way that made sense. Why would he not want the Batman story covered as much as possible? Pretty sure that would move more papers than high school sports. Does Zack Snyder know what a newspaper is?

I think I noticed on the wall of the Daily Planet meeting room there was a front page with the Jared Leto Joker face on it. I could be wrong, but I was looking at it intently since I didn’t care about the rest of the scene.

It seems like a spear is the worst possible weapon he could have made. He could synthesize the kryptonite into a gas but the best stabby weapon he had was a spear? Like I said he should have had some fake kryptonite dentures and bit Superman to death. After all, Batman is just a murderer in this.

 

BRAD: And like you said, Batman was Batman for a long time. There should be 1000’s of articles concerning him as a seasoned veteran vigilante. Damn this movie is so stupidly written. It said it’s been 18 months since the end of Man of Steel yet Kent is already a hot shot reporter and dating Lois Lane and Superman has huge memorial statues erected in his honor. Everything, time-wise is so poorly executed it’s sad.

I’m sure they’ll tie in the Suicide Squad in with the rest of the other franchises at some point, or I’m sure they plan to if DC even gets that far.

BRIAN: But is Kent a hotshot reporter, or a lowly high school sports monkey? The movie wants to have it both ways. It makes zero sense that Perry is punishing Kent for something. Maybe he doesn’t like that he’s fucking his coworker?

This might be the worst-edited movie we’ve seen since David Heavener’s “Lethal Ninja.”

BRAD: Lethal Ninja had a better villain at least. And ninjas. One anyway.

BRIAN: Superman looked like he was struggling with the top part of that rocket he happened to be miraculously near when it exploded. Maybe they could have had a 5-minute scene where he tried and gave up. It would have fit in nicely with the dozens of other unnecessary scenes.

Here’s a challenge for you: Name A) a worse comic book movie villain than BvS‘s Lex Luthor and B) an actor between ages 25-65 who would have turned in a worse performance as Lex Luthor. A legit actor not like Justin Bieber or something.

BRAD: That’s the hardest challenge in history! Can’t you give me something easier like who killed JFK?

I’ve seen some clips recently of Batman Forever and Tommy Lee Jones was one terrible Two-Face. I’d also go as far to say that Oscar Isaac looks bad as his upcoming X-Men: Apocalypse. I (we) really hated Tom Hardy’s Bane also.

If Kristen Stewart ever played a comic book villain that would be epically awful as well. Also Miles Teller maybe, although he would’ve played a better Luthor if he played it like the previous Luthors. Zach Synder, for some idiotic reason, wanted to mix Luthor and the Joker.

BRIAN: Tommy Lee Jones was bad but semi-passable. He didn’t actually have much of a role in the movie. Bane didn’t have a real motivation either except being Talia al Ghul’s bitch. But at least he seemed like a match for Batman. Apocalypse looks like shit but I’ll have to reserve judgment until I (reluctantly) see it.

I just realized that Zack Snyder is basically the yin to Joel Schumacher’s wang. They’re both the worst at what they do but Schumacher is overly bright and campy and cartoony and Snyder is overly dark and brooding and angry.

I think Miles Teller would have been “miles” better. He can play a pretty effective asshole.

 

BRAD: I called Zach Synder the new Michael Bay after we watched BvS. His loud, violent, dark, stupid, toy/comic related sub-par bullshit is no much different from Bay’s Transformers or TMNT garbage polluting the screens.

Yeah but I can’t stand Miles Teller almost as much as Eisenberg.

You can also add the Mara sisters to that short list of horrible actors playing villains.

BRIAN: Again, the biggest missed casting opportunity in the history of cinema:

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BRAD: Is there any role Larry David can’t excel at?

Why didn’t Superman attempt to throw the Kryptonite spear at Doomsday at a high velocity to pierce his skin instead of ramming him with it.

Again, this would’ve been easier if Batman made Kryptonite laced bullets.

BRIAN: That’s what I said when we were watching it but I guess he was too weak to throw it and probably wouldn’t have hit him, maybe?

I’m really bummed that Superman died, I mean obviously that’s going to last, right? Lot of emotional weight there.

BRAD: I just recalled the scene where Superman, who was probably doing fine on his own with taking Doomsday into outer space, was nuked by the US government and was still intact. That scene was incredibly stupid and perfect example of screenwriters having a kids playing with action figure mentality to crafting a superhero movie fight.

So how are they going to resurrect Superman now? They showed the anti-gravitional dirt on his coffin but if they bury him then the power of the Earth’s sun will not help him anymore. So they would have to dig him up at some point. And of course this is all so moot of a point—killing him I mean. Seriously. This is just as bad as having him in the hospital at the finale in Superman Returns.

BRIAN: Yeah Doomsday apparently couldn’t fly, so apparently Superman could have just kept pushing him into space and left his ass on Jupiter.

I just read that the photographer who was with the CIA with Lois in the desert was supposed to be Jimmy Olson. And they just shot him. Why?

I guess like in the Death of Superman he’s in a “healing sleep.” I only know this from that Max Landis video.

BRAD: Exactly. The US Military royally fucked up Superman’s ingenious plan. Bunch of clowns. It also irked me that the military had the nuke all ready to go, aimed perfectly and had the go-ahead from the president to fire the nuke all in the scant 45 seconds while Superman was flying into the outer rims of the stratospheres with Doomsday.

Since when and why is Jimmy Olsen in the CIA?! And why is he still using film stock?! I don’t read DC comics or keep up with their bullshit but maybe Olsen becomes a superhero at some point.

Hopefully they’ll introduce Krypto the Super-Pup in the next one. Maybe he digs up Kal-El’s body to resurrect him.

WB/DC should totally let Max Landis write these scripts!

BRIAN: And were Superman and Doomsday going in a straight line from the time they launched the nuke to the time it hit them? There’s no way they were in the exact same spot. I’m pretty sure nukes aren’t like heat-seeking.

If it does turn out that Superman is in a healing sleep, then why wasn’t Zod or the other Kryptonians?

Yeah because Victor Frankenstein was amazing.

BRAD: Superman only flies in a straight line!

That’s an amazing question: why is Zod dead for good (well until the Kryptonian spacecraft/science lab—seriously is it a spaceship or a science lab, there’s nothing that ship can’t do?—reconfigured Zod’s DNA with Luthor’s turned him into Doomsday) and Superman able to live again? Maybe Zod was in healing sleep but Luthor fucked that up and mutated him.

Speaking of Doomsday, how funny would it have been if by mixing human DNA (especially that dork Eisenberg’s) and Kryptonian DNA the results were less than enthusiastic to Luthor’s plan? Like it was just a tiny bony version of Eisenberg running around. Luther had zero idea what would happen in the end result by mixing that DNA. And if you say, well the ship’s computer told him, then I say, well how in the fuck would the computer know since it never knew what human DNA was?

I heard nothing good about Victor Frankenstein, true, but Landis knows his superhero shit. It would’ve at least had humor in it!

BRIAN: I still don’t understand what Luthor’s blood had to do with the end result of Doomsday. Having it be a resurrected Zod was a huge mistake. Maybe instead if they wanted to go with the Luthor creating Doomsday angle for whatever reason they could have had him fucking around with the Kryptonian DNA archives and just making his own monster. Without laser eyes. And why would he say, “This is your Doomsday!” wouldn’t he say, “This is your DOOM!” So forced like everything else.

I was also thinking that Batman’s power armor glowing eyes looked cool, but did they do anything?

BRAD: He should’ve mixed Zod’s DNA with a baboon’s blood then it would have super Shakma power! Shakmaday!

Shakmaday

If anything those glowing eyes were nothing but a distraction and made the suit less stealthy. Isn’t Batman supposed to be hard to see to give him an advantage over his opponents? The glowing eyes counteract that. 

BRIAN: No door in Metropolis would have been safe!

Right?? Why would they glow from the outside? Was there a reason for them to glow in The Dark Knight Returns? Of course, Batman did try to shoot Superman with regular bullets, maybe this version of Batman is a bit of a nimrod.

BRAD: Were they like flashlights to help him see in the dark? But wouldn’t night-vision be much better? Was he hoping they were intimidating? Because they weren’t.

Yeah I’m really baffled at people saying this Batman is one of the best on film. He really wasn’t. But maybe they’re just saying that because the movie is so bad that they’re trying to salvage anything from it.

BRIAN: Would the events of this movie have really changed at all if Batman wasn’t in it?

BRAD: The only 2 things that I can think of is Lex getting and using Kryptonite instead of Batman stealing it away from him and him saving Martha Kent. 

BRIAN: Superman could have easily been the one to save Martha, and then gone to the ship 3 seconds later. When Superman fought Doomsday, he could have realized that Kryptonite could stop him, so he has Wonder Woman go get a chunk and beat Doomsday in the head with it.

BRAD: I’m assuming Lex wouldn’t need to create Doomsday if he had a Kryptonite weapon but who knows.

I forget, did they introduce Kryptonite and its affect on Superman in Man in Steel? If so, then a better plot to BvS would be for Superman/Clark Kent try to locate the missing Kryptonite at the same time, both Batman and Lex are in a race obtaining it to stop Superman. That makes for a more compelling story than Batman and Lex just hate him. Superman could try to manipulate the government to help him get and contain the rock or something like that. Or even convince Wonder Woman to help him, thus giving her something to do. Plus it would help Kent act like a real reporter and try to locate the rocks.

They should’ve introduced Kryptonite in Man of Steel and instead of breaking Zod’s neck to kill him they could’ve had Zod accidentally get killed by a shard of Kryptonite or have Lois give him a lethal dose and that would free Superman of the negative criticism by fanboys that he killed someone in cold blood.

moments-in-superhero-douchery-20111229035359564-000

BRIAN: SO WHY DIDN’T HE MAKE A FUCKING KRYPTONITE WEAPON??!! Ponderous…

Kent could act like a real reporter and Batman could act like a real detective. Yeah maybe there’s a Kryptonite meteorite that crashed in the Amazon.

Or Superman could get Gus Gorman to synthesize some Kryptonite.

Why was there Kryptonite on that ship in the first place?

BRAD: The White Portuguese was just shipping the Kryptonite that they found in the Indian Ocean. Lex was asking for diplomatic permission to have customs allow the rock into the US. That’s why Holly Hunter and that other senator fella were integral to the plot. But since when is Lex Luthor the asking for permission type? Ponderous.

And instead of having the African terrorists scene go down as lame as it was, they could’ve had the African guys find a bit of Kryptonite and that’s why Superman attacked them. Could’ve worked out way better to tie in with the film.

I much rather have Gus Gorman in this flick.

BRIAN: Hey Lex Luthor is capable of a lot of atrocious crimes but smuggling crosses the line for him!

Why was that whole Africa thing necessary whatsoever, again?

Superman 3 is better all around.

BRAD: I honestly forget the whole African scene. I want to say it was to involve Lois Lane with both investigating that new state-of-the-art bullet that fortunately got stuck in her notebook as well as a way for Superman to save her and viciously kill the terrorists so the bad guys could somehow twist the story around to make Superman a vicious killer—which he is.

I really forget how the bullet played into the over all story though. Something to do with Luthor but again, I don’t know.

BRIAN: I honestly couldn’t tell you. Remember in Guardians of the Galaxy how Starlord and Ronan were both after the orb and along the way Starlord runs across a ragtag group and they band together because Ronan wants to use the orb to destroy a planet? Completely uncomplicated. Great superhero movie.

BRAD: I’m still wondering how Luthor got that jar of piss on the senator’s podium without anyone raising an eyebrow to it.

And whose piss was it?!

BRIAN: Hahahaha!! That’s one of the greatest lines ever written.

Great metaphor for the movie. It’s a jar of piss that Zack Snyder sneaked past everyone with common sense.

BRAD: “I feel like Batman hit me over the head with a bathroom sink!”

Another great metaphor for how I felt about this movie.

Why did Superman, near death by Batman, utter his mom’s name Martha, instead of just saying “my mother…they’re going to kill my mother.” Just sounds forced and stupid.

I reread our review of Man of Steel and I can’t believe we gave it such high grades. I gave it a 4.5!! I guess we were too lenient on it at the time. We mostly hated it but commended them for trying something new with Superman. I suppose that still holds true, like Crystal Pepsi. But BvS is just plain Zima.

zima-beer-bowling-600-63318

BRIAN: Because then Batman wouldn’t have known that Superman’s mother’s name was Martha and they wouldn’t have been able to resolve their differences!

Yeah I was way too kind in hindsight. I should amend that to a 3.75.

BRAD: Superman really has to work on his saving skills. After he catches Lois when she’s plummeting to her death off Lexcorp he leaves her there to go confront Lex. How funny would it have been if after he left, Lex’s goons come out of the building and kill her?

BRIAN: He should have flown her ass to Jupiter to be safe.

BRAD: Alright I think I’m done with whatever memory I have of this movie after just one (and only one) viewing of this piece of trash. I’m curious how much money it makes this weekend.

2 Jars of Piss out of 10

BRIAN: Hopefully it’s a 99% dip. That leaves 1% for Superman to possibly be our enemy which we must take as an ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY!!! God damn that makes no sense. Hey, there’s a 1% chance my car’s brakes might fail and put pedestrians’ lives at risk, so I drove it into the ocean just to be safe.

The last question to be answered: Is this the worst comic book movie I’ve ever seen? Keeping in mind I haven’t seen the new Fantastic 4our and only a few minutes of Green Lantern. But is it worse than The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and The Dark Knight Rises? TASM 2 was a complete disaster, but I wasn’t expecting much. TDKR was also a piece of batshit and I was expecting better after The Dark Knight. BvS I knew was going to be bad, but I didn’t expect virtually nothing to work like it turned out. So I’ll rank them thusly:

3. The Dark Knight Rises: 3.5 (I initially gave it a 5.5, I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking)
2. Batman v Superman: 2.5
1. The Amazing Spider-Man 2: 2 (another score lowering, this is the worst comic book movie ever made)

2.5 Pep Talks by Your Ghost Dad Who’s Actually Just a Figment of Your Imagination So His Pep Talk is Just You Talking to Your God Damn Self and if You Didn’t Know that Drowning Horse Story Before Your Imagination Can’t Tell You a Whole New Story and What the Fuck Was He Stacking Rocks For? (out of 10)

BRAD: For a Cromdamned silly comic book movie, there were way too many flashbacks, flash forwards, dream sequences and ghost chats. The movie would completely make just as much sense if all those dream/flashback sequences were cut. I’m not even exaggerating.

Is this the worst comic book movie ever? Tough question but I’m leaning towards no. The new Fantastic Four was criminally terrible and had zero positive things going for it. Seriously it was in the immortal words of Roger Ebert: “This movie doesn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.”

But Amazing Spider-man 2 was terrible too. But not as bad as Fantastic Four. I can watch The Dark Knight Rises and not want to kill myself because there are some bright spots and the dialogue and acting is decent.

BRIAN: It would make just as much sense, meaning no sense at all.

Yeah from everything I hear I imagine Fantastic Four is the worst but I’ll never ever watch it. I do think TDKR has the most ludicrous ending sequence though, when they’re all standing around listening to Talia’s rant while a city-destroying bomb is ticking down.

BRAD: I’ll take TDKR’s silly ending to Batman stopping his blood lust after hearing his mother’s name. That was basically how the final girl in Friday the 13th part 2 stopped Jason.

Another bit of dialogue I hated so much was from Martha Kent: “Be their hero, Clark. Be their angel, be their monument, be anything they need you to be… or be none of it. You don’t owe this world a thing. You never did.”

So basically, be a hero and stand up for humankind … or …. don’t. Because you don’t owe them anything. That right there is what is essentially wrong with this Synder Superman. Total lack of direction.

BRIAN: Let’s just say they’re both equally stupid. And Friday the 13th Part 2 is a much more enjoyable movie than both of them. And probably more lighthearted.

That’s Zack Snyder talking to the audience, “Enjoy this new mopey Superman… or don’t, I don’t give a fuck. Because you’ll pay to see it either way.”

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