While many saw 2016 as a stellar year unmatched in the annals of time, some saw it as an opportunity for their website to declare bankruptcy to help ease their debt concerns due to moneys owed to the Turkish mafia. So with that being said, here are our top 8 and bottom 4 movies of 2016 (that we saw, of course; it’s a bit of a weird list…).
8) Doctor Strange – 8
A XXX parody of the 2000 Richard Gere movie Dr. T and the Women.
“Maybe you’re not as burned out on superheroes as I am, or maybe even more so, but despite all the MCU tying in they have to do, it feels like its own thing and stands well by itself, like you’re just watching a good sci-fi movie instead of the same old punch-laser-explode, although there is a lot of that.”
7) Zootopia – 8.25
A sequel to the 2011 Matt Damon film We Bought a Zoo in which the animals have created a new society on the planet due to Damon’s total incompetence as a zoo owner.
” Very solid kids movie that moves beyond “Oh hey look, talking animals again!” to deliver a well-told, layered story.“
6) 10 Cloverfield Lane – 8.5 (this was a Haiku Review so it didn’t have a score, so I’m making one up here, and no court will convict me)
Warrant lead singer Jani Lane directs this documentary about how he died in a field of clover 10 years ago.
Awesome movie that
confirms that John Goodman is
real life’s worst monster
5) Finding Dory – 8.5
Three friends embark on an all-night quest to score a bag of Dory, the most potent marijuana in San Antonio.
“This is pretty much everything you’d expect, which is a good thing. Humor, heart, talking animals, death, mutilation, various disabilities, it has it all.“
4) Moana – 8.5
A sequel to Finding Dory in which the three stoner friends must find the lost island of Moana that, as the legend goes, is made entirely of reefer, even the reef surrounding it.
“I thoroughly enjoyed this picture and could easily see it again and again. The visuals are spectacular for an animated movie set mostly on the sea and like I said the humor wasn’t relied upon “cutesy” to pander to the younglings.“
3) Captain America: Civil War – 8.86 (average)
Tony Stark and Steve Rogers find out they’re brothers but Steve tells Tony that he shouldn’t have so many African-American servants so Tony tries to kill him.
“I thoroughly enjoyed the flick and can easily say it’s in the top 5 best Marvel movies to date. It had great action scenes and seeing all these characters interact and fight was a real hoot.”
2) The Shallows – 9
A documentary about the most famous puddles of London.
“I may be a little biased since I am a huge Jaws fanatic and love sharks in general but I thoroughly enjoyed this popcorn summer picture. It was perfectly toned and paced with enough great scenes and plenty of beautiful camera work.”
1) Rogue One: A Star Wars Story – 9
An orange vendor named Juan is tired of the fruit-vending politics of Los Angeles so he goes rogue and starts selling his oranges right on the stars of the Hollywood walk of fame, inciting a war.
“Despite the fact that we know the outcome of their mission, the movie gives us enough thrills and action to satisfy even the casual Star Wars fan. The space battle finale alone is worth the price of admission.”
4) X-Men: Apocalypse – 4.5
A meteor is on a cataclysmic collision course with Earth, so the X-Men decide to go out with a bang. Literally. It’s 80% graphic orgy with their various powers being incorporated into the orgy.
” The length of the flick was a mind-boggling 144 minutes. The pacing of this flick was atrociously bad. I feel like we went from one new mutant to another or catching up to one from an earlier flick every 4 minutes in the first half hour. And in all these fast-paced scenes there was very little character development.”
3) Ghostbusters – 4.5
Harold Ramis comes back and haunts the ever-living fuck out of everyone involved in the making of this.
“For the amount of “talent” involved it should’ve been way funnier. The jokes were very slapsticky and sophomoric. There’s an actual fart joke included. A lot of yelling for no reason.”
2) Suicide Squad – 4
The workers at a suicide prevention hotline take matters into their own hands when their funding is cut so they arm themselves to the teeth and go out and prevent suicides through the use of deadly force.
“This film is the Ed Hardy shirt of comic book movies. It’s the Dane Cook of comic book movies. It’s as if a brah who loves Mark Wahlberg suddenly started hanging out with geeks in a local comic book shop and decided to make a movie.”
1) Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice – 2.25 (average)
Batman and Superman encounter the one enemy they can’t fight: their smoldering lust for each other.
“I’m still wondering how Luthor got that jar of piss on the senator’s podium without anyone raising an eyebrow to it. And whose piss was it?!”
Egad! What a really shitty year. And we need to get out more.
Very precise scoring!
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