Review: The Avengers: Age of Ultron

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*AGE OF SPOILERS BELOW!*

BRAD: Wanna take a skinny dip in a dank small cave pool with Thor? Apparently he needed Stellen Skarsgard to watch him for some reason.

BRIAN: The more I think about it the more homoerotic that scene seems. And I’ve been thinking about it A LOT! *wink* 😉

Instead of Stellen Skarsgard, Thor should have convinced Black Widow and Scarlet Witch that he needed them in the pool with him and fully nude in order to achieve true clarity, and that a handjob would really help out with the visions.

BRAD: I’m still wondering what that scene was. He wanted to hallucinate again to figure out what happens in the plot of Thor 3 but went into a pool in cave to do it? Couldn’t he just eat some mushrooms or something? How did he know he would continue with the exact same hallucination? What if he went in and he started to see visions of him working in a meager office cubicle?

Kinda weird that this movie featured The Scarlet Witch but wasn’t played by the one and only actress named Scarlett that also happens to be in the same movie.

I also liked how the African city that was decimated by the Hulk and Iron Man apparently didn’t “press charges” against them? Did you catch that? Why would they mention that in the story when all the collateral damage to the countless cities they battled in never made it a big deal? But it should be a big deal. Who’s responsible for the damage and is Tony Stark that rich that he pays for it all? I can believe super soldiers, Norse gods and big green monsters but the level of rich one man is hard to believe.

BRIAN: I think it’s just because Chris Hemsworth is contractually obligated to pop his shirt off in each of these movies so women will go to them. 

Also, Black Widow should have been played by John Quade.

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Tony electronically bought the building before he crashed Hulk into it. The 9/11 imagery was a little much in that scene.

Speaking of Hulk, why was he still Hulk in his last scene? He seemed pretty calm on the Quinjet all alone.

BRAD: Why isn’t it obligatory to see Black Widow pop her top off?!

I heard him buy the one building but what about the other 2 dozen buildings? And I’m pretty sure it takes more than a 2-second electronic transfer of money to buy a building.

He still had a raging Hulk boner after seeing Black Widow on the screen in the cockpit. That takes longer to calm down than his anger.

I also had a chuckle at when the Avengers were attacking HYDRA and Tony sent out those Iron Legion robots to help with the crowd but the robots only spoke English. Couldn’t Stark design them to speak other languages that foreign people can understand?

BRIAN: Or at least a little bush.

He bought the whole town and everyone in it.

Speaking of destroying towns, in the finale when that town was several thousand feet in the air, wouldn’t all regular humans pretty much be passed out?

The Iron Legion had a red, white and blue color scheme. It would have been a slap in the face to Old Glory for them to speak foreigner.

BRAD: Wouldn’t it be easier and way more economical to try to invent a serum to calm down the raging Hulk than a satellite controlled Hulkbuster unit? That thing must cost billions!

Yeah that fake Eastern European town was way too high for a common human to breathe. Shouldn’t they also be in constant fog from the clouds at that altitude?

BRIAN: Vision could probably calm him right down with the Mind Gem. Or a handjob.

Not only would they not be able to breathe but they’d be pissing icicles.

Also, what was holding the town together in a perfect circle? Why wasn’t it just crumbling?

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BRAD: And I know the QuinJet had super-duper stealth mode but surely JARVIS/Vision can work his magic to finding the jet and Hulk right?

Remember that one scene of Iron Man leaping down to save the people in the cars that rolled off the edge and he threw them upwards and Cap caught them in time? How did Cap know Stark was doing that? He may have flown them back up since he flies but what if Cap didn’t assume Stark would throw them up. They would’ve plunged to their death anyway.

That town had the greatest bedrock on the planet!

Did they just call Black Widow’s Hulk-calming maneuver a Lullaby for effect because I don’t remember her ever singing to him. Why did they call it that when he didn’t really sleep?

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BRIAN: Right, Stark didn’t have any possible way of locating it?

Right, I remember thinking that it would have snapped that woman’s neck instantly.

I was confused by them calling it a lullaby too. “hey big guy, the sun’s going down, and so will I, if you calm down!”

And where did their romance come from all of a sudden?

BRAD: He lost that key locator dohickey in a couch cushion somewhere.

And what were people still doing in cars when all this destruction was going down?

They just had to shoe-horn a romance in this picture didn’t they? And isn’t Banner supposed to be involved with Betty Ross?

Betty_Ross

BRIAN: They just saw Furious 7.

Yes! I thought that too, “I guess he’s over Betty Ross now?” I wasn’t sure of Banner’s whole motivation there. He only went nuts because Scarlet Witch screwed with his mind. It wasn’t like he just lost control all of a sudden.

BRAD: I just don’t see the point of having Widow and Banner be involved. Both have issues sure and both seem reluctant to continue superheroing anymore but doesn’t mean we need a 10 minute scene of them in bath towels discussing it either.

I think they are playing up his no-control over the Hulk again, even though the final battle in the first movie he said he had it. After the HYDRA fight in the woods he seemed like he hates becoming Hulk because of the Jekyll/Hyde issue and not totally agreeing with what his other half does. It’s a complex character, I get and love that, but we don’t need a romance to further befuddle it. Plus, he of all people should realize that adding in a love-interest is only going to make his matters worse. All he needs is to see War Machine flirt with her and he’ll go into a rage.

And I’m sorry but Falcon is such a lame super-hero. We have an Iron Man who can fly and is near invulnerable because of his suit but we have a guy with metal wings going to save the day? He can be killed in a multitude of easy ways. How are they really going to use him in battle? Sure, you can argue that Black Widow and Hawkeye are just as vulnerable too and have weak(er) super powers but they’re not flying around with metal bird wings either.

 

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BRIAN: On the other hand, when she was basically throwing her vagina at him in Hawkeye’s house, he should have went for it, THEN ditched her later.

But yeah you’re right, he did seem to have it kind of figured out at the end of the first Avengers but at the start of this one he doesn’t anymore.

Yeah Falcon really brings nothing to the table. Especially since they could just make thousands of those wings and outfit the whole army with them. Yippie-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon!

Despite her wavering accent, I think I found Elizabeth Olsen hotter in this movie than Scarlett Johansson.

BRAD: It was a toss-up for me. As ScarJo is getting older she’s impressing me more and more. Not just in looks but acting and not taking herself too seriously. I really thought at one point she’d go the way of Lohan. But Olsen is quickly bewitching as well.

Now kiss!

Now kiss!

BRIAN: HA! Good one.

Did Cap really do much of anything in this picture? That’s fine since he has two of his own movies, but it seems like he got the short shaft.

BRAD: I thought he did more, especially in a leadership role in this film than the first Avengers movie. But not that much more.

Another question that’s bugging me is, why did they need everyone to attack HYDROX in the beginning? I mean they didn’t really need the Hulk did they? He’s too much of a loose cannon to use this frivolously right? They were only fighting neo-nazi’s really. They had no knowledge of Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver yet. And another thing, why was Baron Von Strucker hesitating using Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver anyway?

BRIAN: Yeah he was more of a leader during the fights but wasn’t as involved with the story and didn’t get much of his own screentime, except for his vision, which was kind of pointless.

I didn’t get his hesitation either. He created them specifically to fight the Avengers, and here are the Avengers on his doorstep, and he doesn’t want to use them. Terribly ponderous.

BRAD: And what exactly was Von Strucker planning with all those pre-Ultron type robots in his lab?

BRIAN: Guilt-free sex.

BRAD: Baron Von Fucker! (or Baron Von Schtuper!)

Seriously what a waste of a villain. We didn’t even see his death on screen. He was a total MacGuffin of a character.

Uhh, maybe if his f'n SATAN CLAW was mentioned onscreen he would have been a little cooler?

Uhh, maybe if his f’n SATAN CLAW was mentioned onscreen he would have been a little cooler?

BRIAN: Baron Bot Fucker.

Complete waste, although he was just a standard Eastern European bad guy anyway.

BRAD: And why doesn’t Stark use the Hulkbuster EVERY TIME?! He would’ve beaten Ultron and his minions within mere minutes with that suit!!

And wouldn’t an EMP also do some damage to Ultron and his minions? At least slow them down? How come that wasn’t thought of?

BRIAN: Yeah or just train someone to use it and make it a permanent part of the team, then they wouldn’t need the unstable Hulk at all anymore.

They probably should have thought of an EMP but that’s such a played out movie trope I’m glad they didn’t.

BRAD: It is so played out (although I haven’t seen it in a while) but it was the best logical solution for robotic minions! They could have at least tried it.

And why did some of the Ultron minions fly and others crawled up the side of the hill?

BRIAN: Maybe he only had so many rocket boots.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

BRIAN: I enjoyed the picture, even though it kind of seemed like an amalgamation of the other Marvel films, which I guess it was, but everything was kind of a retread. Do we need to see a giant army of faceless, identical enemies again in our lifetime (even Guardians of the Galaxy was guilty of that)?  But it’s still fun, and that’s all you really need out of it. I definitely enjoyed it much more than the last few standalones, which were pretty underwhelming. AVENGERS ASS PIMPLE!

7.75 dips in the vision pool with Linda Cardellini (out of 10)
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BRAD: Well I’d have to say I really liked the flick but in certain times it felt just like a middle point for another film. The action was great, Ultron was fantastic and I think it was funnier than the first Avengers flick. Most of what we pointed out and nitpicked never really distracted me from the overall fun experience and I do have an itch to see it again soon. 
I’m starting to see the strain of Marvel tying together all their new movies and characters. For example, didn’t Stark basically quit being Iron Man at the finale of Iron Man 3 and destroyed his cache of mechanized warriors? But here we are at the beginning of this new film and not only is he still at the forefront of the team but he also has a whole new legion of robots helping out. This was never addressed and if it was it may have been on the Agents of SHIELD TV show which I’m way behind with. But again that shows strain because why wasn’t Coulson in this new movie. And don’t get me started on I thought SHIELD was more or less finished as an agency (where did Fury keep that Helicarrier anyway?) which confuses me about the show. So I hope they explain more in the following movies.

But like I said I enjoyed this popcorn feature despite its many flaws.

8 sips of Thor’s Asgardian booze (out of 10)

 

 

13 thoughts on “Review: The Avengers: Age of Ultron

  1. Wasn’t the giant shitting thing of Vibranium holding the bedrock together? It was that thing that looked like a rocket that Ultron shoved into the ground that kept it all together. The romance between BW and Hulk was insanely tacked on even though it did give this piece some moments to just slow down and catch its freaking breath, and I don’t know who this Betty Ross is but every time I see her name or spell it all I can think of is Betty Boop, who is pretty fine.

    And did anyone else think that this was pretty much The Black List takes on the Avengers? I seriously couldn’t separate James Spader the person from the robot. His voice is pretty damn unique. No amount of metal armor can disguise that guy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Wanna take a skinny dip in a dank small cave pool with Thor?” – YES. Sorry, I didn’t read any more of this after that. Nice review, dudes. I assume. I’ve already forgotten this movie exists thanks to Fury Road! 🙂

    Like

  3. I love these. So much. I definitely had some of the same thoughts while watching this. Although, unsurprisingly, I did not think about handjobs or robot sex nearly as much as you guys did. Also, I am shocked, SHOCKED that Brian gave this a 7.75. I expected a 6.5 tops. You must’ve been having a good day, buddy. Be honest–did you make it with a robot hand before you wrote this?

    Like

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