Captain America: Civil War (2016)

New on home video today is Captain America: Civil War which is about Captain America and Iron Man getting into an argument over who drank the last can of Schlitz at Avengers HQ and Iron Man decides he’s had enough so he blasts his repulsor ray right at Cap’s mouth to shut him up for good but at the same time Cap picks up his shield spilling beer everywhere because he was drinking beer out of it and for some reason he spins it really fast because he’s shitfaced and it’s so fast that when the repulsor ray hits the spinning shield it opens up a time portal and Cap and Iron Man are sucked in and the whole time they’re screaming “FUCK YOU!!” at each other and an hour or so later they end up in the middle of the Battle of Fort Sumter and Cap and Iron Man decide to lead the two armies against each other and Cap picks the Union because they wear blue and he’s all about fashion and Iron Man picks the Confederacy because he’s enslaved machines all these years and he doesn’t see the difference with human slaves and Iron Man kind of wins that battle after slaughtering all of Cap’s forces but Cap spins his shield and flies away like a helicopter not because he was a coward but because he just wanted to go get more beer so they battle on for years and the battles are always located at the sites of breweries and bars and Cap and Iron Man and all of the soldiers under their command are constantly shitfaced so there’s like a lot of laughing during the battles and eventually they drink up the entire beer supply in the country so they sober up and forget what they were fighting about in the first place so Cap and Iron Man just shrug and go back to their own time with the repulsor ray and shield spinning thing and when they’re back Cap is like “What now” and Iron Man is like “Let’s party!” and points behind him and somehow he managed to bring back dozens of barrels of beer and Cap is like “FUCK YEAAAAAHHH” and points behind him and he brought back dozens of soldiers and slaves and they’re now all free to party as hard as they want and they do.

Own it today!