Schlocktoberfest XVI – Day 11: 2020 Texas Gladiators

2020 Texas Gladiators (1983)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Gladiators run afoul of Texas in 2020.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

So far so good as Quick Kick throws a knife into some guy’s head.
Why is these dudes so dirty, like zombie-level filthy?
On the opposite end of the spectrum the shirtless group infiltrating this church look like they just jumped off the pages of Tail & Sail magazine.
Yeah why do these raiders have light green paint on their faces? Assuming it’s not like radiation makeup or something. It’s like something Paas would put in a kit in the 80s.
To get out of a ravaging, one of the nuns cuts her throat with a piece of glass. I don’t think that’s really going to dissuade these green-faced goons.
Too bad she didn’t wait 3 seconds longer for the Gladiators (I assume) to kill everyone. Unfortunately she was nun the wiser.
So one of the Gladiators finds a blonde woman in the church and assaults her? So they’re not the good guys? Or is this one just a jerkoff?
Yeah one of the other Gladiators tells him to cool it and they get in a fight, then the lead Gladiator kicks him out of their friend group. Does this mean he can start wearing a shirt again?
Ok, well, this is all in Italian and the subtitles are wonky at best, but as the Italians would say, “Say la vee!”
It’s strange how all of these Texans are now speaking Italian, but I guess it’s to illustrate how far they’ve sunk as a society since the apocalypse.
So far the Gladiators consist of the leader Catch Dog, sweatybeard Halakron, Quick Kick-ish Red Wolf, the rapey one Jab (oof), and kind grizzly Nisus.
The blonde woman, Maida, is giving Nisus shit about his chosen line of work, even though he just basically saved her twice.
Wait is this scene at the refinery or whatever a flashback? Everyone there is wearing normal clothes and seemingly doing their day jobs. But they’re surrounded by Mad Max cosplayers who have varying levels of paint on their faces. This is weird stuff.
Is this guy in the hard hat Nisus? I don’t know. He has a shirt on, so it can’t be him.
Ok this is years later because now Maida and Nisus have a daughter?? There was no indication of a passage of time whatsoever! Or is this a flashback? Ah, who cares, like it matters…
Be careful it’s exsplosive!

One of the road warrior bikers surrounding the refinery is the clean-cut Jab! Wait, 2020…Jab…Texas… this can’t be good.
This refinery has the most irritating danger alarm I’ve ever heard, but I guess it motivates people to eliminate the danger just to get it to fucking stop.
Where are all the other shirtless Gladiators? CATCH DOG WHERE ARE YOU????
Boy the refinery people really did a shitty job with their wide open perimeter fence. They’re as exposed as a shirtless Italian man’s hairy nipples.
There’s barely any cover at all so most of them are dying. If they like stayed on the roof and shot down they would have been much better off.

Jab is real pissed that his bike babe got shot, but what did he expect riding a motorcycle in front of a bunch of bullets?
Ok here’s an armored truck and armored troops. Is this an entirely different group than the raiders before? If not, why wouldn’t they start with this?
Electromagnetic shields? What kind of apocalypse is this?
The armored guys build a ramp and the bikers go up it, so they are together. So that first wave made absolutely no sense at all. AT ALL!
Like gasoline or water in the other movies, it seems that bras are the rare resource in this version of Texas.
Does this grizzly really have time to sexually assault this young twink? Stay focused.
Well I suppose this raider woman’s corset with leather stripes and the nipples exposed counts as a half bra.
So far nothing about this has anything to do with Texas, with the lone exception of not messing with it.
Oh good another sexual assault scene. You aren’t required to put these in your movies, paisanos.
Hold on, FASCISTS? In TEXAS??!! Get the fuck outta here.
I love how Nisus just casually unties his hostage ropes. Great hostaging job there, boys. Why did they even keep him alive?
Oh then he just rushes at the Hitler guy and gets shot to death. Well it is Texas. Presumably. Who is the protagonist now? I guess Maida? We’ll see what she’s maidof.
Well now it’s The Deer Hunter. Which is a good thing.
Someone’s playing a video game? Again what kind of fucking half-assed apocalypse is this??
Ahhh, there’s ol’ Catch Dog and extra hairy macho man Halakron. I suppose they’re taking over as protagonists.

I guess this is just more of a crazy lawless society instead of an actual apocalypse. So, Texas. Well, we’ll see if they have laws about what women can do with their own bodies.
Wait there’s a sheriff? And he busts Catch Dog and his hairy buddy for fighting? There’s not a fight every night at this filthy honky tonk?
Jab just called the Gladiators “Rangers.” So I guess Lonesome Dove ripped this movie off.
And now a lot more shirtless dudes for some reason. I guess men’s shirts and women’s bras were in short supply on set.
They make them mine salt? How much value would that have here?
I really hope someone comes along and drinks the water that the sheriff pissed in.
HA Catch Dog pours some of it in Hairlakron’s mouth. Classic.
Jab is firing off some kind of laser weapon but there’s no special effect involved, just a noise. I have no idea what it’s supposed to be doing. They probably assumed they would add the laser effect in post but either forgot or ran out of money.
I’ve been trying to figure out who Catch Dog reminds me of: Dennis Reynolds.

This has to be the most boring standoff scene ever filmed in continental Europe.
Most of this movie seems like it’s just a bunch of friends fucking around on the weekend.
There are about 20 minutes left and there’s no actual plot or anything they’re building toward happening. Catch Dog, Hairlakron, Red Wolf, and Maida are now walking in the woods to somewhere and that’s it. I vaguely think they may be looking for Maida’s daughter, maybe.
Now a group of guys are doing a racist impression of Native Americans. I’m pretty sure they’re wearing some kind of makeup to darken their skin. Great.
This is kind of like the Rebels enlisting the Ewoks to fight the Empire.
There was no real reason for Hairlakron to take off his shirt to fight this “native” dude but he did it anyway.
Wow I just had the craziest deja vu that I’ve seen this exact scenario before where the hero wins the fight and the tribe says their cause is just and they’ll fight with them. I’ve probably watched and reviewed this movie 6 times already without remembering it.
Oh cool it’s that alarm again.
I guess the electromagnetic shields can’t stand up to wooden arrows and stone spears and whatnot.
You guys all have a lot of guns what are you doing.
That grizzly from earlier is back and he’s the only one actually dressed like a gladiator. So this movie has been about him the whole time?
Hairlakron gets clipped!
I just now noticed that all the Rangers had medallions that said “5” because there were 5 of them I guess.

Ok so Catch Dog throws an axe at the Hitler guy because he’s holding an electro-shield in front of him, and the axe sticks in his chest but he was still holding the shield in front of him, electromagnetized or not.
Maida is reunited with her kid, even though before she said she didn’t know what happened to her, but she was right there at the refinery with everyone else.
So Catch Dog and Red Wolf just ride off, seeming to not give to much of a shit about Hairlakron.

What year?!: I have no idea. There’s just no indication.

Who are the Enemies?: Dr. Fauci

What Happened to the Earth?: COVID, probably. It isn’t even all that clear that this is an apocalypse, just a weird society.

Final Thoughts: Just as bad as all the others, but at least there’s some better violence? And it predicted 2020 Texas fairly accurately. We should all be more like the Gladiators and fight fascists with electro-shields. I saw some online reviews saying this was a wild cult classic, but it’s just the same old formula. I guess I didn’t really like this movie about gladiators. Recommended for shirtless men, braless women, salty piss drinkers, hairy Ewoks, and the fully vaccinated.

Score: 3.5 Caught Dogs (out of 10)