Knights (1993)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A young lady warrior teams up with a good cyborg to battle a tribe of blood-thirsty bad cyborgs.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• It’s been way too long since we last watched an Albert Pyun masterwork.
• Pyun’s apocalypse looks just like a very red-filtered Arizona. It’s the same as John Ford’s apocalypse!
• Cyborgs?! Mystical, Powerful, Invincible?
• This Cyborg leader here has an arm that is thrice the size it should be! How does he lug that thing around? It’s like a lobster.
• Hey that poor farmer is Todd of the infamous “Why is the carpet all wet Todd?! I don’t know Margot!”
• Oh wow the cyborg with the huge ass arm is Lance Henriksen! He’s doing a very gravely voice and the scene is sepia-toned so I didn’t recognize him at first. The man cannot escape being typecasted as a cyborg.
• “Prophet farmer”?
• “Gather the blood!”  Rather odd phrasing.
• Kris Kristofferson? Kick-ass!
• So a little girl named Nea ran away with her baby brother before the Cyborgs “gathered the blood” in the sepia-toned flashback. Now she’s older and with a new group of farmers and they have zero clue who the cyborgs are despite them ravaging the land for decades. Again, why is every post-nuke flick have selective amnesia within the plot of the film?
• An elderly soothsayer tells Nea that she its destined for great things. Nea asked how she knows this and the old lady says ‘I know things.’ Then Nea tells her that she’s crazy and the old lady agrees and laughs like a lunatic. Thanks for the mixed signals you old crone.
• The grand cyborg (who is speaking through some sort of communication device which looks like a modified water bottle that spins) says that for their numbers to grow they need the blood of 10,000 humans. Why would a cyborg need blood specifically for exactly? How does that work? And can they take any blood type?
• After the Grand Cyborg finishes telling them to go to a city of Taos and capture humans, he ‘activates’ them awake. Lance Henriksen lets out a huge loogie before he speaks.
• $100 bucks this flick doesn’t explain what these cyborgs need blood for.
• I’m not sure the reason Henriksen is flicking water in a barrel other than to show off this special effect of a mechanical arm moving.

• Speaking of his disproportionate mechanical arm, it’s just one claw at the end. Like one finger so to speak. Two can grip something at least. But why not 5 sharp blade fingers instead? Is this supposed to be a Captain Hook metaphor or something?
• I was going to compare the cyborgs to vampires since they need human blood but every one including Henriksen has a cross-shaped scar on their foreheads. Maybe that’s a way to deceive the humans into trusting them.
• Why is Lance drowning this fella in a barrel full of water? He has an intimidating and dangerous metal hook finger thingy that could slice his throat or pluck out his heart or pick his nose.
• A little kid tries to defend his human friend from being drowned and calls the cyborgs vampires. So there.
• Why is this one cyborg speaking French?! Was he imported?
• Actually all cyborgs are French; They’re named after the region. Otherwise they are mechanically enhanced humans. (I realize this is the third time on this site I’ve spoofed this quote from Wayne’s World but it still cracks me up)
• Now they’re all speaking French? Did I accidentally switch the audio? Is French the universal language of cyborgs?
• Mon Dieu le Cybourgs!
• I’m going to have to recycle a lot of my French jokes from Litan from last year if this continues.
• Is that Tim Thomerson?
• Ah, English is back. That was weird.
• Nice spear chucking death!
• A majority of this film’s shots are all medium or close-up. Makes the action a little tighter but we only focus on one fight at a time.
• This cyborg lieutenant is dressed like a Sahara bedouin for some reason. Anyway he’s super pissed because his minions raided Nea’s camp and killed everyone except Nea. Now the blood is as useless as US Beef.
• Nea plays dead when the lieutenant approaches her and when she surprise attacks him she stabs his cyborg leg causing it it to spark. I wonder if the same would happen to RFK jr. if we stabbed him.
• Hey I have an idea, instead of explaining why you need Nea’s blood for your survival, why don’t you just stop wasting time and just kill her?
• There’s a new myserteous ragman approaching and he’s kicking the cyborg’s asses. You would think being a cyborg would give you enhanced strength or skills but so far I’m not seeing any difference between humans and cyborgs except for Henriksen’s robot arm.
• Hahahaha. A cyborg shoots an arrow at Kris Kristofferson and he catches it (without even looking) then he simply tosses it back and it strikes and kills the cyborg. That’s about as believable as a $5K check for every adult citizen after the midterms.
• My mistake, the lieutenant is the only cyborg in this scene, the minions are human but in my defense I don’t give a shit.
• Simon is the name of the lieutenant and he is one overdramatic cyborg. Virtually yelling every other word.
• I’m seeing a pattern to the names in this flick being biblical. Henriksen is Job, this dude is Simon and Kristofferson is Gabriel. Maybe Deuteronomy comes up later.

• Gabriel is also a cyborg but he’s a good cyborg. George Soros made him.
• I just fucking realized that Simon is the same actor whom played the drama teacher in Teen Wolf! So now threw overdramatic acting makes sense since he chewed up the scenery in a few moments in Teen Wolf as well.

• Gabriel says he has one year to finish his goal of taking out Job and the other cyborgs. Simon explains that a benefactor extended the cyborg’s lives by converting human blood to fuel them. Thank you Bill Gates.
• A machete duel? With a lot of jumping and flips.
• Simon taunts Gabe by asking: “Is my [unknown word] offensive in your disk drive.” Besides the sexual connotation I wish I knew what the hell Simon said. It sounded French. [the subtitles say Chabon but that cannot be right]

• Simon is talking and taunting nonstop as he’s fighting and firing wrist rockets at Gabriel like he’s Boba Fett.
• While Simon takes down a dumb Nea and taunts her, Gabriel throws a knife like 50 yards away and it stabs Simon in the eye. Everyone takes a time out while Simon takes out the damaged cyborg eye and replaces it. While he’s doing this Simon and Gabe have a little chat.
• “Master Builder?” Are we talking about Lego now?
• Hahahaha. Gabe then throws another knife but this time punctures Simon’s cyborg skull which then starts to spark and malfunction. Hilariously, Simon is more annoyed at this by saying: “Oh no! Am I on fire now? Yeah great!”
• I’m gonna miss Simon. He was actually entertaining in a very cheesy 90s fashion.
• Job has a pet cockatoo? Is it a cyborg too?
• One of Simon’s goons managed to take a horse and flee to warn Job. Job wonders how the goon kid is still alive and then kills him. Just can’t get good help these days amiright?
• Nea has a broken leg (or something like that) but she’s begging Gabriel to take her with him to defeat Job. He claims that she can’t help because she’s a human but she tells him she knows a shortcut to Taos and that she won’t slow them down. But she has a broken leg that Gabe already told her will take weeks to heal.
• I will commend Pyun on how pleasant looking this film looks. Most of these post-nuke flicks are in deserts or wastelands which makes sense but boring as hell. Pyun is using the beautiful American western frontier which at least has great canyons and peaks. And in some shots the color used is very interesting.

• Nea asked Gabriel how do you kill cyborgs. Well, you just watched him kill one and that was a simple knife to the noggin so there’s the secret.
• Like I said, Pyun loves his color filters. Not gonna lie, some shots kinda hurts my eyes.
• Training montage! Crimean attack? Mont Blanc offensive? OK, maybe whatever Simon said earlier was French. Sacre Bleu!
• Nea tells Gabriel about how she was tasked to care for her brother but it was too hard so she left him with a settlement a couple of years back and that settlement was raided by Job so she assumes he’s dead. I’m really only telling you this because I have a feeling that by the finale, Nea discovers her brother is either alive and still a prisoner OR he was turned into a cyborg and she’s forced to kill him.
• Apparently the cyborg’s main weakness is a blow to the forehead. Isn’t that EVERY LIVING THING’S weakness? Christ even zombie lore says destroy the brain. DEEERRRRRRR.
• Now if it was the top or back of the skull like a baby’s soft spot that at least is a little more interesting, ya know?
• I’m nearly half-way in and I’m not really sure why this flick is called Knights since there’s no knight imagery, no tribe or band having knight-like theme. The word Knight hasn’t even been uttered once.

• $100 bucks it’s called Knights because of Jedi Knights.
• “You don’t sleep?” “You don’t dream either?” Now the film is flirting with Philip K. Dick philosophies?
• Wang Dang Sweet Pyun-tang!
• As they reach closer to Taos, Gabriel tells Nea that the training is complete. Nea is desperate to join Gabriel and stay with him after their kill the cyborgs she volunteers herself as his teacher to be more human. I guess she missed it when he said that he only had a year left to live.
• Maybe she is falling for him. Or maybe it’s a pet-human thing. Anyway, T2 did this better…way better.
• This is another example of a post-nuke world reverting back to swords and archery as the prominent method of weaponry. I suppose that does make the most sense.
• Hahaha. Gabriel was ambushed by some cyborgs which he takes care of effortlessly. One of them leaps towards him, uncovers his face (like I said they are dressed like Arabian Bedouins for some reason) and takes off his hood and reveals the most beautiful head of blonde hair never imagined for this instance. Why this was done and highlighted like this is questionable.

• Ah, this cyborg is martial artist/actor Gary Daniels. I’m unfamiliar with his work and I was going to say he probably hasn’t acted since the early aughts but he literally is in a movie called Lion Fist which is currently in theatres!
• Gabriel gets distracted by Nea who’s in distress of course and Gary Daniels shoots a wrist rocket at Gabriel blasting him to bits. All of the Ugnaughts and all the Chewbacca’s cannot put Gabriel back together again. (are we 10 out of 10 this month with Star Wars references?)
• Nea stabs a cyborg through his jaw up and through the skull and he says that she missed his “kill zone” and punches her out cold. You really gotta bullseye that kill zone huh?
• I’m sure it’s a coincidence that all the cyborgs and their human goons are all dressed like Arabs right?
• Thinking further, I guess Gabriel could be seen as a Christ figure, the one good cyborg who will save all of humanity before he too perishes for good. Also at this point in the flick he’s “dead” and I’m sure you all can guess where this is leading. Yup, he’ll be rebuilt as Robocop as prophetised!
• Job has another cockatoo? The one earlier was red. This one is green. maybe they are his mood cockatoos.
• They say Master Builder way too closely to masturbator and it’s cracking me up each time.
• Hahaha. The cyborgs return to Job and lay before him the half body remains of Gabriel (terrible prop head if you ask me) which at one point is shown being dosed with about a cup of water on its face. But it’s revealed that it wasn’t water but Job’s fucking drool! Fucking gross.
• I can’t believe both Kristofferon and Henriksen acted in this flick.
• Why are the tents in this settlement all bright primary colors?
• “C’mon boy, let’s see your measure.” 6 and half inches dude!
• I still find it funny that all the costumes in this flick are middle eastern in style but this is clearly filmed in Monument Valley Arizona.
• So there was a farmer from the opening scene who betrayed the other farmers and joined Job. Now, he’s trying to fully join Job’s army by fighting another young man to prove their worth. Don’t tell me that the young kid is supposed to be Nea’s brother.
• “Life is a mistake.” So sayeth Job.
• Ah! Nevermind, this other young kid, by the name of Chance, is her brother because in the flashback when she was holding her brother we saw that he had a crescent moon birthmark on his arm and Chance has it. Not sure if Nea noticed it though which is odd considering he was helping her bind small knives into her hands getting ready for combat. But man, what are the chances?
• Crescent moon? Enough of the religious symbolism!

• Ty, the farmer traitor, kickboxed the young slave boy’s fucking head clean off his body! And the movie kinda glosses over it as Nea’s slow-motion march towards the battle area is intercut between blows.
• Nea is kicking some ass now. She even managed to hit Job with an arrow in the gut.
• Make that two arrows. Which makes him fall about a hundred feet off the cliff.
• I’m unfamiliar with Kathy Long’s oeuvre but she’s a kickboxing champion turned stuntwoman (she was Michelle Pfeiffer’s double in Batman Returns) turned actress. Nowadays she teaches kickboxing in Seattle.
• Why in the hell did Job have Gabriel brought back to life? To what end would his adversary be needed? I’d say it was to reprogram him to fight for him but Gabriel is pleased that Nea is kicking butt.
• Cute. When Nea kills this cyborg (I think it was Gary Daniels) the sound effect is the same as the Millennium Falcon losing hyper-drive power.
• Oh so now Nea realizes that Chance is her brother. Dummy.
• I wonder where they got the idea of a sibling with a biblical name finding a long lost sibling (also with a biblical name) to take down a half man/half machine adversary? 
• This fight sequence is a series of people jumping or rolling down hills.
• Hahahaha. Nea runs and stops and immediately the ground opens up revealing a minion of Job’s trying to ambush Nea. How long was he buried there? And good guess work that she’d come around to that location. Anyway, he’s dead now.
• Job finally comes to and stands up and says “You broke my heart.” I’m not sure why he said this considering A. He’s a cyborg and B. How could he be disappointed in Nea when he just met her and was always aware she was against cyborgs.
• That month of training is really paying off.
• Job has three arrows in his torso. But she only shot him twice I thought.
• Job is talking outloud to himself as if he’s speaking directly to Nea.
• Evil Emperor Zurg?!

• More Star Wars homages when Nea straps a broken Gabriel onto her back.
• Holy shit balls! Nea is fighting a cyborg and another cyborg joins in which is fighting Gabriel whom is still strapped to Nea’s back. It’s like if there were conjoined twins in the Matrix. Add to the awesomeness is the bad dummy when she does a back flip and obvious little person in the long shots when we see them both fight at the same time. This is a glorious scene!

• Hahaha. While Nea is fighting 2 or 3 cyborgs on her own, Gabriel is hacking up one of the other dead cyborgs to repair himself. Easy-peasy lemon squeezey!
• It was as simple as plug and play. He cuts off the legs, tinkers for 30 seconds and he’s up and walking! Maybe he’s the true Master Builder!
• Obvious stunt double for Kristofferson is way too obvious.
• Evil Emperor Zurg nabs Chance for some reason; says he could us him against his sister. So, hostage yeah?
• Ummm, Evil Emperor Zurg just said that he’ll meet Nea at Cyborg City and then flies a hang glider off a cliff! There’s about 5 minutes left!
• Thankfully he’s not going to Circuit City, because that’s a ghost town now.
• Meanwhile Gabriel is sill fighting Job. He rips off Job’s mechanical arm and beats him to death with it.
• His dying words are “Wrap me in your wings like a black parrot.” The old ‘borg really liked his birds.
• OK, with the run time basically over I guess there was supposed to a sequel. There probably already is one but has nothing to do with this considering this flick was supposed to be a sequel to Cyborg with Van Damme.
• Nea’s voice over says that the search for her brother went beyond time and space! I’m guessing they tacked on this VO epilogue because they ran out of budget or knew there was zero chance that a sequel would be made.

 

What year?!: Unknown!

Who are the Enemies: Cyborgs (except for that one good decent one.)

What Happened to the Earth?: Also unclear. But it was probably cyborg president JD Vance who caused it.

Final Thoughts: I’ve seen enough Albert Pyun flicks to know what I’m getting myself into. Not the worst but far from great. Mostly entertaining but for mostly the wrong reasons like bad effects, over-the-top acting, just an overall cheap feeling to a weird genre flick. Knights is no exception. I bet if Pyun ever had real studio backing and resources he could make a great flick. Now I’ve seen Cyborg with Van Damme back in the day and hardly remember it but I definitely didn’t know there was a sequel. Knights has some decent things working for it like the Simon/Gabriel fight but make not mistake—this isn’t for everyone. I still don’t know why it’s called Knights. It’s a very broad term for what this movie deals with. Knights imply a group of like-minded do-gooders with a code and are usually in service to a king or hired hands to protect citizens. If Nea and Gabriel are the knights in question, they are mostly out for revenge and/or fighting for personal reasons. Anyway, if you liked other Pyun classics, then you shouldn’t be too bored with this one.

Score: 4 Cockatoos (out of 10)