Shakma (1990)

Trailer (MUST WATCH!):

That was so good, you should watch it again (this one is extended, but darker, like brightness-wise)

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Nerds run afoul of murderous baboon.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Roddy McDowall in a monkey movie. Who knew?
• They put a chip in Shakma’s brain to make him more aggressive. Why the hell would they want to do that?
• Shakma wakes up on the gurney and an alarm goes off. The Shakma alarm?
• FOOLS! They thought they could kill Shakma?
• So everyone’s playing some kind of Dungeons & Dragons game in this apartment building using electronic surveillance. Don’t ask me to explain it because I have no idea. They waste about 20 minutes setting it up when all we want to see is baboon murder.
• This broad looks just like Topanga.
• Baboons are just hysterical, even when they’re just standing there.
• You can’t take a killer seriously when he has a giant red ass.

“Hey can I get some cream?”

• Richard tries to kill Shakma with hydrochloric acid, but Shakma turns the tables!
• Then Shakma eats Roddy McDowall, which begs the question, was Roddy McDowall gay? I mean that’s fine but we never really knew one way or the other.
• This is the odd horror movie where the black guy doesn’t die first.
• You know, earlier Shakma had major brain surgery, but now you can’t even see so much as a scratch on his furry little head.
• Shakma’s every move is adorable and hilarious.

Oh, Shakma. You killed me but I just can’t stay mad at you.

• WHY DON’T THEY JUST LEAVE THE BUILDING.
• Nothing in this movie makes sense.
• What did the filmmakers do to get the baboon to go crazy on these doors?
• 90% of this movie is Shakma trying to break down a door.
• Sam wants to get a fire extinguisher, but instead of using the hammer dangling off the side to break the glass, he throws a fucking coffee mug at it.
• Eventually Shakma kills everyone but Sam. Sam somehow suddenly has the keys. He doesn’t leave. He goes Rambo.
• Sam sets up a mirror in front of the animal cremator. Shakma jumps THROUGH the mirror, right into the cremator. Sam burns him alive. Cruel. Sam dies. Good.

Is It Actually Scary: If a baboon killed your entire family then maybe. Otherwise it’s more adorable and hilarious than anything.

How Much Gore: Shakma’s teeth make bloody wounds.

Best Scene: Anytime Shakma goes “ape”shit on a door:

Worst Scene: The entire grueling setup with the dumb Dungeons & Dragons game. It goes on forever and it’s not even necessary as a setup, just have everyone working late in the building. I suppose it was so they can explain why the doors were locked… but… they’re on the inside…

Any Nudity: Shakma flat-out REFUSES to wear clothes.

Overall: While trying to decide what to watch, we pulled up the above trailer for Shakma, and laughed nearly to the point of asphyxia. The full movie didn’t quite live up to the outstanding trailer, though. It was too slowly paced, the characters were too dumb (despite being scientists and doctors and dungeon masters), Shakma was just too adorable to be taken seriously, and it seems like he should be too easily defeated. He’s a baboon, hit him with something. But the movie makes it seem like he’s virtually indestructible, even though they just made him more aggressive. Honestly, you can just watch the trailer (maybe 50 times or so), that hysterical montage above of Shakma banging on doors, and this compilation of death scenes, and you’re better off than watching the whole movie. Or get some like-minded friends together with some beers and watch the whole thing, just fast-forward through all the Dungeons & Dragons crap. It’s technically a pretty lousy movie overall, but it’s so much fun you won’t care.

Score: 8 closed doors (out of 10)