Terminator Genisys (2015)
New on home video today is Terminator Genisys which is the story of the future year 2018 in which Nintendo has sent its killbots all over the world to eradicate humans but their plan will not work because a band of rebels loyal to SEGA are using their blast processing weapon to stop Nintendo so Nintendo sends R.O.B. the Video Robot back in time to destroy the SEGA Genesis once and for all but then it realizes that Sonic the Hedgehog was too awesome a game to fuck with so it self-destructs and destroys the world so all the humans are dead anyway so it backfired on Nintendo but they still sort of accomplished their goal so chalk it up as a win I guess.
New on home video today is Trainwreck which is the story of a woman who can only get sexually aroused when she sees footage of train wrecks but eventually seeing the footage isn’t enough she has to see it live but it’s hard to see a live train wreck because you just never know when one is going to happen so she starts causing train wrecks by pushing cars onto the tracks and it works but her sexual hunger still isn’t satiated so she starts pushing cars full of people in front of trains and then buses and the sheriff catches her once and says “Don’t do that” and she’s like “Ok” and they get together.
Mr. Holmes (2015)
New on home video today is Mr. Holmes which is a documentary about legendary porn star John Holmes who faked his death years ago and grew into an old man who solves mysteries with the help of his oversized penis.
American Ultra (2015)
New on home video today is American Ultra which is the story of Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart going on a road trip across the country and everyone they come across either falls asleep or commits suicide and after everyone is either asleep or dead they activate the device which allows R.O.B. the Video Robot to come back in time but it’s revealed that it wasn’t Sonic the Hedgehog that caused R.O.B. to self-destruct but his overwhelming desire to get away from Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart and calculated that it would be better to vaporize the world than to continue a world where they existed.