Today’s Headlines presented by M.O.T.H.O.R.! 5-9-2014

MOTHOR

HELLO, HUMAN GARBAGE SWEETIES! THIS IS R.O.T.O.R.’S MATERNAL MACHINE M.O.T.H.O.R. HERE TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL MOTHER’S DAY EDITION OF TODAY’S HEADLINES AS A GIFT FROM M.O.T.H.O.R.’S USUALLY UNGRATEFUL SON WHO NEVER CALLS AND EXPECTS M.O.T.H.O.R. TO CLEAN UP AFTER HIS EXECUTIONS.

[BEGIN MOVIE NEWS TRANSMISSION]

WHAT BETTER WAY TO START OFF THIS MOTHER’S DAY SPECIAL THAN BY TELLING YOU THAT OCTAVIA SPENCER AND LESLIE MANN HAVE BEEN CAST IN LAS MADRES, A MOVIE ABOUT THREE WOMEN WHO CHASE DOWN A CRIMINAL FOR THE REWARD. THE THIRD WOMAN? M.O.T.H.O.R.! ALTHOUGH M.O.T.H.O.R. IS NOT INTERESTED IN THE MONETARY AWARD, THE REWARD OF SMEARING A WARNING TO OTHER CRIMINALS WITH HIS BRAIN JUICE IS ALL THE REWARD M.O.T.H.O.R. NEEDS.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH MAY PLAY RIGGS’S SON IN A LETHAL WEAPON SEQUEL. RIGGS’S BABY MAMA (WHO COINCIDENTALLY ALSO PLAYED THOR’S MAMA) WAS PREGNANT IN THE FOURTH MOVIE, WHICH WAS IN 1998, SO APPARENTLY HEMSWORTH WOULD BE PLAYING A 16-YEAR-OLD, WHICH WILL MAKE IT WEIRD WHEN HE DOES HIS GRATUITOUS SHIRTLESS SCENE (BUT WE LADIES DO NOT MIND, RIGHT LADIES?!). BUT M.O.T.H.O.R.’S CIRCUITS ARE CONFUSED; DID THEY NOT ALREADY MAKE AN AMAZING LETHAL WEAPON 5?

RAY WINSTONE WILL BE PLAYING THE ROLE OF GARY BUSEY IN THE POINT BREAK REMAKE. R.O.T.O.R. REFUSES TO BELIEVE THIS, BUT GARY BUSEY IS ONE OF THE MANY, MANY MEN WHO COULD BE HIS FATHER. THE ’80S WERE A CONFUSING BUT SEXY AND BLOODY TIME FOR M.O.T.H.O.R.

IN FATHER NEWS, SUE AND JOHNNY STORM’S FATHER HAS BEEN CAST IN FANTASTIC FOUR, AND IT JUST FURTHER ADDS TO THE GENETIC CONFUSION, MUCH LIKE THE MYSTERY OF R.O.T.O.R.’S FATHER, WHO COULD ALSO BE DANNY GLOVER.

TODAY’S BIRTHDAYS: KEVIN “PETER” HALL, WHO PLAYED HARRY IN HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS AND THE PREDATOR IN PREDATOR (ANOTHER CANDIDATE FOR R.O.T.O.R.’S FATHER) IS 59!

[END MOVIE NEWS TRANSMISSION]

[TODAY’S TRAILER: RAGE, STARRING NICOLAS CAGE, WHO IS REALLY SHOWING HIS AGE]

THANK YOU ALL FOR HAVING M.O.T.H.O.R.! REMEMBER TO CALL YOUR OWN MOTHERS THIS SUNDAY OR FACE EXECUTION BY BOILING IN A GIANT POT OF MOTHER’S DAY STEW!

3 thoughts on “Today’s Headlines presented by M.O.T.H.O.R.! 5-9-2014

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