Today’s Headlines presented by R.O.T.O.R.! 05-01-2014

Todays Headlines

[BEGIN MOVIE NEWS TRANSMISSION]

LEGENDARY ACTOR, BOB HOSKINS HAS DIED. R.O.T.O.R. NOT RESPONSIBLE AS I WAS BUSY PLAYING THE ATARI E.T. GAME. R.O.T.O.R. IS SO FRUSTRATED BY THIS DREADFUL GAME. IT’S PRETTY MUCH UNPLAYABLE EVEN FOR R.O.T.O.R. AND I’M ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE. EVEN MY GOOD FRIEND, D.A.R.Y.L. CAN’T SEEM TO GET OUT OF THE HOLES. I THINK I KNOW WHY YOU HUMANOIDS BURIED THEM IN THE DESERT.

HERE’S THE NOW OBLIGATORY SUPERHERO NEWS OF THE DAY. THE ACTOR WHO PLAYED A SMALL AND FORGETTABLE ROLE IN THE INCREDIBLE HULK IS NOW CAST IN THE SOON-TO-BE-MISFIRED FANTASTIC FOUR REBOOT AS THE MOLE MAN. WHEN THE MOVIE FAILS, AND IT MOST LIKELY WILL, FOX WILL NOT UNDERSTAND WHY IT FAILED BUT THE FANS KNOW ITS BECAUSE THE CAST IS PROBABLY THE WORST IN FILM HISTORY. I MEAN, COME ON NOW, THEY HAVE NOTHING BUT 20-SOMETHINGS PLAYING ASTRO-PHYSICISTS/SCIENTISTS.

QUIRKY FILMMAKER, BAZ LUHRMANN IS REBOOTING THE ELVIS PRESLEY MOVIE THAT WAS MADE FAMOUS BY JOHN CARPENTER WITH KURT RUSSELL. I’M SURE MR. LUHRMANN WILL PUT A UNIQUE SPIN ON THE STORY OF A ROCK N’ ROLL LEGEND BUT WHY SO MANY REMAKES, HOLLYWOOD! COME UP WITH AN ORIGINAL STORY FOR ONCE!

AND PROBABLY THE ONLY STORY OUT THERE TODAY TO MAKE R.O.T.O.R. HAPPY IS THE RETURN OF DAVID SPADE’S MASTERPIECE, JOE DIRT. IT’S BEEN 13 YEARS SINCE THAT GLORIOUS FILM BUT THIS WORLD NEEDS MORE ADVENTURES OF THE HERO THAT IS JOE DIRT.

TODAY’S BIRTHDAYS: EVERYONE GIVE DIRECTOR JOHN WOO A DOUBLE-GUN SALUTE WITH LOTS OF FLYING DOVES FOR HIS 68TH BIRTHDAY!

[END MOVIE NEWS TRANSMISSION]

[TODAY’S TRAILER: FACE/OFF]


6 thoughts on “Today’s Headlines presented by R.O.T.O.R.! 05-01-2014

  1. A sequel to Joe Dirt could be good. Then again, does anyone have David Spade’s number? What has the guy been doing for the last several years? Anyone seen him?

    Like

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