Schlocktoberfest XIII: Triskaidekaphobic Recap

Let‘s review!

In order from best to worst score:

Friday the 13th: Never Hike Alone 2 (10)
Halloween II (9)
Friday the 13th: Never Hike Alone/Never Hike in the Snow (9/8)
Sylvia (8.5)
Friday the 13th: Vengeance 2 – Bloodlines (8)
Wolfen (7)
Friday the 13th: Vengeance (7)
Friday the 13th: Jason Rising (7)
Night School (6)
Dr. Giggles (6)
The Undertaker (5.75)
Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (5.6)
Edge of the Axe (5.5)
Too Scared to Scream (5)
This House Possessed (5)
Slotherhouse (4.5)
Graduation Day (4)
Friday the 13th: Rose Blood (4)
The Demon Murder Case (4)
Friday the 13th: Part X – To Hell and Back (3)
Friday the 13th: J’s Night (3)
American Gothic (3)
Friday the 13th Part IX: Nine Lives (3)
Forest of Fear (3)
Cheerleader Camp (3)
Friday the 13th: The Fall of Camp Blood (3)
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (3)
Death Screams (2.5)
Friday the 13th: No Man’s Land (2)
Satan’s Blade (2)
Friday the 13th: Voorhees (2)
The Slayer (1.5)
Blood Hook (1.5)
Friday the 13th: My Special Boy (1)

Brad’s Thoughts

For our 13th year watching and reviewing horror schlock it seemed more than apropos for me to do something Friday the 13th related. We’ve already covered about half of the franchise already but I had a zany idea, which was to watch 13 fan-made F13 movies that I found on YouTube. At first I thought it was a terrible idea as most fan-made movies are complete and utter garbage; whether written poorly, acted poorly or filmed poorly and reeking of amateur illusions of grandeur. However, to my shock only half of what I watched was complete and utter garbage! Yes, I actually enjoyed a handful of them and consider them worthy to add to the F13 family. Unlike most of the films I watch during a Schlocktoberfest, these films were either fucking terrible and a slog to watch or very well made and entertaining as hell. Nothing in the mid-range surprisingly.

I can honestly say that this was one of the better Schlocktoberfests for me personally. I had a lot of fun even watching the shittier F13 fan-made movies because making fun of ineptitude is still an entertaining way to watch a movie, plus I’m a big fan of the F13 franchise and Jason Voorhees so this was totally in my wheel-house. I’m sure at some point I thought (everyone thought) this was the worst idea I ever concocted but I made it out of Camp Blood alive and I even discovered that some fan-made stuff is not that bad (in the case of the Never Hike Alone flicks, even better than the studio produced stuff).

I do feel a tad guilty though for keeping this site and Schlocktoberfest alive. I’m sure I’m dragging my cohorts, Brian and Jim each and every year for something they don’t have the same enthusiasm for anymore—and I totally get it. Even I have been skeptical for the past few years to continue but I really was hoping we’d make it to the 13th year considering the “unlucky” number and its significance to the horror movie genre. I do thank them for joining me in watching and reviewing this crap—even if it’s just to entertain ourselves.

F13 Fan-Made Movie That I’d Gladly Watch Again: There are a good 5 (6 if you count the short Never Hike in the Snow) that I can easily rewatch. However, it’s more than obvious from my review for Never Hike Alone 2 is by and far the best of the bunch. It felt like a real F13 movie with actual fleshed-out (human) characters that had emotions and stakes. I compared it to a MCU movie and I still stand by that statement in that it wasn’t filmed foley like a horror movie but an action movie.

F13 Fan-Made Movie I Already Forgot About: You would think after watching thirteen F13 flicks that I would have difficulty discerning between them (they’re all so unique!). And you’d be somewhat right but luckily I took some extra notes (a spreadsheet actually) trying to distinguish each ones’ pluses and minuses. I watched two F13 fan-made flicks that were European-produced or at least heavily European and they both were 2 of the worst. But No Man’s Land was so dull and brought nothing new to the F13 table that I barely remember anything from it.

Best Jason: There’s a plethora of Jason’s to choose from! And I should’ve taken better notes on each Jason’s attributes to be honest but I didn’t think of the re-cap completely before starting on my journey. Most of the Jason’s looked similar and some, depending on the time-frame or what movies in the franchise were ignored, looked like young Jason from the first four F13 movies and some had zombie-Jason from the later movies. Some Hockey masks looked cheap and flimsy and some actually looked like real movie props. All the Jason’s acted like Jason I’d have to say. I think only one ran after a victim but that made sense since it was set around the events of Part II when he did run a bit. I’m rambling on, so I will wrap this up by heaping praise on Jason played by (Vincente DiSanti) from the Never Hike movies, specifically Never Hike Alone 2 (shocker) which had Jason both menacing but also added pathos to his character. It also made him a monster but also in some ways a super-villain. He also looked great (mask and attire) and acted like the Jason we all know and love.

Runner-up goes to Jason Brooks whom played the big lug in the Vengeance films and Rose Blood.

Worst Jason: I may as well consider who I thought played the worst Jason and that honor should go to either Part V: A New Beginning or Jason Goes to Hell because, let’s face facts, both films did not even really feature Jason. However, A New Beginning at least had someone who acted just like a regular ol’ Jason. Jason Goes to Hell had a revolving door or killers who weren’t Jason including the Don King-esque promoter from Rocky V and a fella who has played Robert or John F. Kennedy half a dozen times. So I dunno, I guess I’d go with Jason Goes to Hell.

Best Kill: I really loved the ripping out of the guts of one victim and then using the same intestine to strangle another victim in Vengeance: Bloodlines. Sure, it’s uncommon for Jason to not use a power tool or blade/stabbing weapon but this is the 21st century and Jason should be elevating his slaughtering game.

Runner-up: Jason getting annihilated by the SWAT team in the beginning of Jason Goes to Hell. Yeah, I actually have something nice to say about that piece of garbage.

Worst Kill: Most of these fan made movies had weak-ass, lame kills and a lot even had cut-away, off-screen kills which is always a downer. but if I had to pick one that stood out that sucked I’d have to go with, Steve getting slowly killed with the gardening claw that they never bothered to frame correctly and you can see the light rubbing of the weapon on Steve’s chest.

Best Non-Jason Character: C’mon, are you expecting anyone other than Tommy Jarvis played by Thom Mathews?

Runner-Up: Kyle from Never Hike Alone. At first I thought he’d be this annoying, douchey, stoner dude who is just a first victim to start off the movie but eventually I grew to root for him and also really like his character development as the series went on.

Worst Non-Jason Character: Easily, Levi from My Special Boy. Christ, what a fucking asshole douche-bag. Well, anyone and everyone from My Special Boy is next in line for this honor of worst human being in the history of mankind.

Best Gore: Considering that Vengeance had over 40 kills and most of them were over the top kills with plenty of the ol’ blood n’ guts, I’d have to say that one utilized the karo syrup in the best way possible.

Worst Gore: I cannot recall any good kills or kills that had a lot of gore in Nine Lives, so by default I’m going to go with that one. But usually if the movie was bad, the gore special effects were bad.

Best returning F13 Alum (that isn’t Tommy Jarvis): it was a shock and a weird pleasure to see Adrienne King’s Alice back in a F13 flick after all these years. Sure, her appearance is a bit bewildering considering she got a knitting needle in her brain in the beginning of Part II but still at least it wasn’t a lame attempt to get an old character back for a quick scene like Lar Park-Lincoln, Terry Kiser, & Lauren-Marie Taylor.

Favorite Review from Someone Other Than Me: I must apologize to my fellow Schlockers (Schlock Hunters?) as usually this month I read your reviews the day you post them but I tried hard to actually watch your movies using your reviews as running commentary. I managed to do this about 4 times before I ran out of steam or interest. So it took me a while to go through the remainder of your posts.

Brian’s Dr. Giggles. I don’t know how or why I never watched that flick back in the day but now I’m glad I don’t have to. But I probably still will because I’m an idiot.

Jim’s few reviews that he incorporated old 80s commercial breaks were a hoot! If I had to pick one, I’d go with The Demon Murder Case since it’s the one I actually want to watch now.

Brian’s Thoughts

Here’s what I learned this year: Never, ever, EVER hike alone, OR trust anyone’s list of “hidden gem” slasher movies. Or anyone’s list of hidden gem movies period. Or anyone’s list. Or anyone.

Least Excruciating: I suppose Dr. Giggles: The Giggling Doctor was some cheesy ’90s fun. But finding a good movie this year was like pulling teeth.

Never Again: I really hated Blood Hook for reeling me in under the assumption that it was a campy comedy horror movie, and it turned out to be mostly a bunch of jerkoffs going fishing without caring that all of their friends are dying.

Runner-up: Jason Goes to Hell. What a clusterflubdgje of horseshit.

Most Disappointing: Edge of the Axe was ok, but it seemed like it would be a lot better than it turned out to be: an advertisement for the Apple IIe.

Runner up: Cheerleader Camp. How the hell do you screw this up so much? Slotherhouse. Great trailer ya got there, shame if ya went and made a full-length movie outta it.

Most Pleasant Surprise: The Undertaker, which was fascinating, like someone found all this scrapped footage that was put in a shredder then tried to put it back together with camel spit and vodka.

Best Villain: Normally I’d always give it to a sloth but it just didn’t work out, so Dr. Giggles runs away with it, who kind of looks like a sloth.

Runner-up: Lillian from Edge of the Axe, who was cute and charming in a never-get-involved-with-this-girl-under-any-circumstances kind of way.

Worst Villain: Whoever the villain guy was that they threw in at the last second in Too Scared to Scream.

Best Kill: The whole ending sequence of Death Screams is absolutely delightful and is the only positive aspect of that entire picture.

Worst Kill: Basically every other shitty cutaway kill in Death Screams: The Screams That Eat.

Favorite Character: Of course it’s Demon from Friday the 13th Part V. If only he had some Pepto in his van he’d still be alive today!

Worst Character: Hands down Corey from Halloween Ends. Yeah that was one year ago but I still hate him. This year I’ll have to go with Pete from Blood Hook, who is the biggest pussy on the lake.

Schlockscars:
Best Actor: Ian McShane – Too Scared to Scream
Best Supporting Actor: TIE: Miguel Núñez – Friday the 13th Part V; Leslie Jordan – Jason Goes to Hell
Worst Actor: Mark Jacobs – Blood Hook
Worst Supporting Actor: Leif Garrett – Cheerleader Camp
Best Actress: Sarah Torgov – American Gothic
Best Supporting Actress: Christina Marie Lane – Edge of the Axe
Worst Actress: Betsy Russell – Cheerleader Camp
Worst Supporting Actress: Bianca Beckles-Rose – Slotherhouse
Best Director: Danny Steinmann – Friday the 13th Part V
Worst Director: Adam Marcus – Jason Goes to Hell
Best Musical Performance: Anne Archer – Too Scared to Scream

Worst Musical Performance: The cast of Cheerleader Camp

Best Chest of the Rest: Brad’s Never Hike Alone TWO! and Jim’s Halloween TWO! because I loved both those movies and they enjoyed watching them and I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

See you next year for Schlocktoberfest XIV: SASQWATCH!

Jim’s Thoughts

Holy shit! We made the cover of Fangoria 39 years ago! Or 39 years too late, or … which multiverse are we in? Who gives a shit. What page are we on?

Did we approve this art? Yeah, you’re right, being in the middle of an interview with Savini is great exposure. And I lived in two of those towns.

But enough of this palaver, let’s get the show on the road!

Most Pleasant Surprise: Night School proved itself enough to claim this award. Going back through the Video Nasty catalog, you wonder why some of them were targeted and this is definitely one of them.

Most Disappointing Movie: That would be The Slayer. This movie was to horror like Flashdance was to welding (Thx O).

Best Villain: Shit, I could easily go with my all time favorite Michael Myers here, but I think Mike’s gonna have to settle for the Kerrigan. The gold is going to the Wolfen. A werewolf movie that doesn’t have werewolves – instead they’re wolf gods – a common mix-up.

Best Final Girl: Since Michael got snubbed in the previous category, this year’s final girl is the all time grand bull moose, chocolate-dipped, blue ribbon of final girls: Jaime Lee Curtis for her performance in Halloween II.

Best Kill: I like the sword through the neck in Graduation Day. I must say.

Best 80’s Overdose: Like totally goes to Friday The 13th Part 5: A New Beginning. Many times was that rented in the eighties – quoting the stupid lines all summer, wearing the tape down on the nudity scenes, the good ‘ole fucking days. Ahem. All right, Loggins time!

Best Soundtrack: Without a doubt, Satan’s Blade. And thank the Dark One that I finally got to mention this movie in the recap huh? I mean if Satan in any capacity wasn’t referenced at least once in my recap, well then I guess I would have some explain’ to do.

Favorite Joke I Wrote (An Exercise in Self-Indulgence Part 4 – The Final Chapter): “Sylvia crawls home like Camille Keaton and tells Papa she was raped.” Now, regardless of the word rape – this joke references a very deep cut genre movie in a way that fans would immediately be able to picture in their minds. My daimyo will explain it far better than me:

Miss Schlocktoberfest 2023: Some very attractive mujeres this year, 1st to 3rd: Linnea Quigley, Pamela Susan Shoop, and Rachael Ward.

Honorable mention to the ladies of Friday The 13th Part 5: A New Beginning: L to R Debi Sue Voorhees, Juliette Cummins, and Rebecca Wood.

Best Made For TV Horror Movie So I Can Make An Arcane Joke: Give it up for This House Possessed. A movie made in 1981 that feels like it was made in 1992 trying to be 1984. Since that didn’t bomb loud enough, try this: Fright Night is now my “Dark Tower” universe within Schlocktoberfest. It isn’t exactly perfect just yet, but the foundation is definitely there. Maybe when we reach Schlocktoberfest 19 I’ll have my reviews covered in roses, and my child Roland will finally to the Dark Tower come. I probably should have kept that to myself.

Best Nude Scene: See above in Ms. Schlocktoberfest. ’twas a very naked schlock. Where’d I get Irish from?

Best Campfire Stories From The Other 2 Counselors: Brad’s Never Hike Alone 2 because just like all of us old Bo Derek fans, I like seeing 10’s. And Brian’s Too Scared To Scream because of six fucking words: “Starring Anne Archer and some cocksucker.”

The Ryan O’Neil Thespian Award: Goes to – – n n – – – i t e. That Wheel of Fortune joke didn’t really work did it? The award goes to Vanna White from Graduation Day, which was the desired punchline without explanation. Anyways, why is the worst acting award named after Ryan O’Neil you ask? It’s because of this hard-to-believe-to-be-passed-over-for-an-Oscar scene showing off his intense acting skills.

Video Nasty Gold Medal: Too many fucking names and posters finally led up to my encounter with Forest Of Fear. Dads callin’ their sons retards, vegan weed-growing hippie zombies, and the dreaded pesticide Dromax; grab you buy whatever you have under your belt and throw you right back into the 42nd street NYC grindhouse of 1980. Not a great movie in any sense, but who cares – it’s the vibe man. Yup, it kicked in if you were wondering.

What Got Me Through My Full-On Return To Schlocktoberfest:

and of course,

and why is that?

Fade To Black: 13 years. Wow, we were so in phase in our dance hall days. I can’t believe we’ve been going on this long, then again I can’t believe that the director of Barbie got her face blown off in The House of The Devil.

Came back strong this year for our one reader by reasoning the author knoweth not, I don’t put this much effort into something for one person even when I jerk off. But at this point, I think it’s safe to say that drinks have turned into dinner – and though it may not be a passionate love, it’s one that’s familiar and secure.

Like a comfy blanket you cuddle up in, and then you find it to too chaffing so you throw it into the fire along with your glass of Shiraz as you scream, “I’ll write the fucking recap when I get to it Brad! You ruined our entire evening. Again! Brian was sooo right about you!”

You know, like that.

Whew! That was something wasn’t it?

Like my Guru Joe Bob Briggs once said, “Never walk up on a baby blue El Camino with two men inside, unless you wanna see things described in the Old Testament.” The thirteenth year for a horror blog is almost automatic fried gold, so it did flow a little more easily for me this year. That sounds like an old man urination problem joke but it wasn’t. It was more of a … I said it fucking wasn’t!

On a completely unrelated note, Pamela Susan Shoop’s tits covered by pictures of Leo Rossi’s face is still making me laugh and I don’t know why.

And speaking of Joe Bob (and since I forgot to add the Dennis Miller gif this year), I think I’ll have him take me out for my thirteenth time…