The House Of The Devil (2009)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: The most boring and yet fucked up babysitting job ever.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• According to the title card: “During the 1980’s over 70% of American adults believed in the existence of abusive satanic cults.” Right. They also believed that Michael Jackson was a wholesome young lad with whom you could leave your children with for a week or two.
• Tom Noonan is in this. Right on.
• While Samantha is apartment hunting, Dee Wallace portrays the realtor with the same haircut she had in E.T. It’s the 80’s!
• If the mittens Samantha is wearing turn out to be “Freezy Freakies” I will shit myself.
• The main title of this film is almost a complete rip-off of “Moving In Stereo.” Samantha is not in a red bikini climbing out of a pool, so I call Bravo Sierra.
• There sure are a lot of shots of Samantha walking around with a Walkman. It’s the 80’s!
• Christ, can the camera pull in any closer on Samantha while she’s on the phone? You can count her pores.
• The family wanting a babysitter calls Samantha right back on a payphone. Dum dum dum!
• Why is the chime to the clock on campus “Joy To The World?” Not the Three Dog Night song, the Christmas carol.
• There’s that Walkman again. It’s the 80’s!
• 13 minutes in and this movie is going nowhere.
• Samantha’s friend Megan of course has feathered hair. It’s the 80’s!
• Megan tries to convince Samantha not to take the babysitting job by saying that, “the kid could be from Hell.” Dabbling in a bit of ironic foreshadowing are we?
• Megan is wearing acid-washed jeans. It’s the 80’s!
• What 1980’s movie can be complete without the presence of The Greg Kihn Band on the soundtrack.
• If this movie follows 80’s horror protocol, Megan is going to have to die by the end of the first reel.
• A shot of the moon and a graveyard. This movie should be heating up now.
• Tom Noonan is one of my favorite actors. He crushed it as Frankenstein’s monster in The Monster Squad, an infinitely better Francis Dollarhyde than Ralph Fiennes was, he was the only good thing to watch in Robocop 2; and was an awesome serial killer in both The X-Files and The Blacklist. We now return to The House Of The Devil already in progress…
• This movie clearly has something to do with the devil since there has been so much mentioned of the forthcoming lunar eclipse.
• I’m beginning to think that the direction for most of these scenes went something like, “OK. Do something, and action!”
• Mother of all fuck this movie is boring.
• Was that the end of reel 1? Because Megan just got her face blown right off of her fucking head! Finally some excitement here.
  

  We have found a witch may we burn her?

• That was without a doubt, the creepiest order for a pizza delivery ever and Samantha seems unfazed.
• The mural of cowboys that is painted on one of the walls in a room of this House of the Devil; is more action packed than the entire movie so far.
• Nothing happens.
• A news report on the eclipse.
• Nothing happens.
• This video has killed my attention-span star.
• While dancing around the house to “One Thing Leads To Another,” Samantha breaks a vase. It is the most interesting thing that has happened in the last 23 minutes. I timed it.
• I realize that this movie is supposed to be a slow burn, but c’mon.
• Whenever Samantha needs to collect her thoughts and “get a grip” as she says to herself – she is always drawn to toilets to do so.
• This movie really should have been a short film. Start with Samantha reading the flyer for the babysitting job, have all of the exposition in the pizza parlor and in the car on the drive to the house, then let the satanic silliness ensue.
• A shot of some mutilated dead bodies strewn around a pentagram painted in blood, and at 1:04:23 we have a movie title.
• A way too loud doorbell announces the pizza guy (who is Megan’s killer BTW) and gives us the best and funniest shot in the movie.
  

  Coming up next on MTV, Billy Idol’s “Megan Without A Face”

• I bet killers miss rotary phones. They always gave them a few more seconds to do whatever they were doing.
• Why did Samantha cut her pizza with a butcher knife when it clearly was delivered pre-cut? Look, I know these observations are getting lame but there’s not a whole lot of shaking going on here.
• Thank you! The original “Night of the Living Dead” is on TV! And Samantha turns it off after 10 seconds. Thanks for the sour persimmons sister.
• There is a shit load of hair in that bathtub. Again, not a lot to work with here.
• Looks like Samantha’s pizza was drugged – who saw that coming?
• Does waking up tied to a satanic alter after eating drugged pizza qualify for the next delivery to be half off?
• Two pizza jokes in a row – I’m in a fucking Ninja Turtles movie over here.
• DRINK THE BLOOD OF THE WITCH THROUGH THE SKULL OF A GOAT! Ahem, sorry I finally got into this movie.
• In some of these last shots, Samantha looks exactly like Danielle Harris from Halloween 4 & 5.
• So whatever the Hell (rimshot) was done to Samantha, it saved her from a point blank self inflicted gunshot wound to the head, and not only guaranteed but accelerated Satanic conception? Fuck I miss the 80’s.
  

  30 minutes or less on that medium with pep motherfucker!

Scare Level: If you still believe any of that satanic horseshit that permeated throughout the decade, it might throw a fright here and there. Whatever you do, don’t play the Blu Ray backwards because it’ll fuck up your player. (Thanks GC)

Gore Level: Megan’s death was done with Savini-esque brilliance, stabbings, a throat slashing, and a good amount of blood during the final act.

Nudity Level: Nada.

Best Line: “It’s gonna work in spite of you, you little bitch!” Apparently Satan’s sperm mobility is faster-paced than this movie was.

Best Scene: The last 10 minutes.

Worst Scene: The first 71.

Level of Hell: It pissed me off that when we meet the “Mother” of the house she turns out to be a dumb gross-ass witch. Look, we were all heartbroken when we learned that Melisandre’s hot redheaded frequent nakedness was a glamour; and that she was really a 1000 year old witch. I forgot where I was going with this – point is it this movie was a bummer.

Overall: Now that Stranger Things has raised the 1980’s homage bar sky high, I thought that going back to a movie that tried it seven years ago would prove itself worthy. It didn’t. The photography, the stock, the execution of shots were all right out of the 80’s, but the references felt forced. If Samantha was rescued from her ordeal at the Satanic alter by Crockett and Tubbs – it wouldn’t have been that much of a shock.

Score: 4 Walkmen From The Eighties (out of 10)