The House of the Devil (1896)

Entire Film: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: The Devil makes an ape thing and a lady do household chores then has some fancypants guests over that don’t work out. A true schlock classic.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Ugh this is the worst film stock I’ve ever seen. I’m not opposed to black and white at all but it’s always a stylistic choice that serves the story, historically. But this?

• A bat is in a castle hallway and turns into a guy in a really crappy devil costume. I’ve seen better costumes in the discount bin at Party City in mid-February. Wait, if he was a bat, does that mean he’s a vampire instead of the Devil? Or maybe both? Make up your mind, dope!

• Uhh, hello? What are you doing? Speak up? What’s with this dumb piano music?

• He conjures a cauldron that also looks like crap. Maybe that’s what it’s filled with.

• Does this dumb devil only have one room in his dumb house?

• Now he conjures a lady, and makes her stoke the cauldron fire. What a lazy jerk!

• Oh now another lady comes out of the cauldron. I guess he’s conjuring women to do menial chores around his house? You lazy devil!

• Maybe that first lady is actually some kind of ape man. Either way, let’s hope they don’t show it in the Devil’s bedroom…
  So the second lady just goes off, presumably to dust or detail the Devil’s Dodge.

• Then the Devil conjures a big book that the lady ape man holds, then orders her/him/it into the cauldron fire door. You needed a book to explain that to you? What a dope!

• Now the cauldron’s gone. Thanks for stopping by, I guess?

“Oh god I do NOT want to finish watching and writing notes on The Refrigerator. What else can I watch that’s quick and easy??”

• Then the Devil disappears and two fancypantses come in the room. Who are these friggin’ guys? SPEAK UP! This movie has the worst character introduction I’ve ever seen.

• Then the ape stabs one in the tush with a pitchfork. Finally, some good action!

• These two dudes are scared out of their minds, and one o them just splits, but why are they even there in the first place? Tell me NOW!

• Man, things disappear WAY too much in this flick.

• So a skeleton pops up, then turns into a bat, then back to the Devil. Make up your mind! So many plot holes.

• Ghosts!

• The Devil brings out the second lady because I guess she’s done organizing the garage and presents her to the fancypants. Is this a human trafficking scheme by the Devil? Disgusting. Although is it trafficking if she’s just been conjured? Gray area.

#StopTheDevil’sSexTrafficking

• Oh no! She turns into an old hag, then several old hags! I’m so lost. I think they were the ghosts before with their hoods down? Where’s the narrator?

• The other fancypants comes back and jumps out the window. Brutal.

• Then the hags just spin in a circle and, you guessed it, disappear. Where have I seen this before? How about some originality in your horror movie, huh?

• So then the fancypants just grabs a crucifix off the wall and chases the Devil out of the room. The end! What??!! First of all, if this is the Devil’s house why would he even have a crucifix on the wall? Second, where are they going, and why? WHY?? And is the ape dead now?? BRING BACK THE APE!!

Final Thoughts: We’ve had a lot of fun here today. I figured I’d bring a little culture into these proceedings with the first horror film ever made. Or is it that I’m way behind on my movie viewing and this was only 3-minutes long? You be the judge, but do not judge me. Anyway, We wouldn’t have any of our schlock today without The House of the Devil and director Georges Méliès (of Hugo fame). Obviously it’s impossible to assign a score to something like this, although for some weird reason people have, like it has a 6.7/10 on IMDb, which is absurd. Like, “Hmm, first horror movie ever, from 1896, 3-minutes long? Meh! It’s no Conjuring 2!” Although it goes without saying that it’s VASTLY superior to the mumblecore remake.

Score: N/A Lady Ape Men (out of 10)