What’s It About: Three boring girls go on a boring trip, only to get kidnapped by a boring family who eventually kill them. Boringly.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- Including the main credits there is 2:43 of black screen. This is gonna suck a platypus dick.
- OK, they almost instantly make up for it with Terry’s showering tits. A welcome placation in anyone’s neighborhood.
- This movie is gonna burn slower than The House Of The Devil.
- Did we really need to hear the entire phone conversation between Terry and her mother?
- “Say Hey! What’s happening?” should never be spoken by a waspy-white girl.
- Nor should, “sheeeeeit.”
- Lots of useless v/o while the girls are driving over a bridge.
- Some bad synth with a helicopter shot as the girls drive into the woods.
- Clichéd joint being passed around as they drive.
- More bad synth.
- Mousey/stoned girl doesn’t get the punch line to a blowjob joke. Can we just stop the movie here?
- The girls from The Last House On The Left were going to a concert as well right? Let’s hope they meet the same fate.
- Clichéd radio report of other girls who have gone missing adds to the spontaneity of this scene.
- A fade to black during a travelling shot? Are you serious?
- Oh great, now it’s raining. Well, at least in front of the camera lens it is.
- The gals run over a log and crash their car. Hope they didn’t go over-budget with that stunt.
- “My name is Marion Penrose, you’re in my house.” There is no way that statement can be construed as comforting.
- Norman starts massaging Terry’s leg without any desire to have that happen expressed.
- Norman looks exactly like the guy who played Oberyn Martell. That’s two Game Of Thrones references this year already.
- Marion is mentioning her mother so much it needs a reference to Psycho. So there it is.
- Nah, the dichotomy between Marion and her mother is no cause for alarm.
- These actors are so bad, they can’t even eat properly.
- OK, mother hates men and is apparently no fan of her daughter either.
- Did the editor fully understand how to cut between scenes, or am I being too nitpicky?
- Terry and Nancy are being way too calm for being in a car wreck and mysteriously ending up in a strange house.
- The heavy breathing scene with an unseen intruder went absolutely nowhere.
- The actresses playing Terry and Nancy are related to, or are fucking the producers.
- Terry finds a human tooth underneath her bed, and in what would be a pivotal scene in any other slasher movie, it is a mere inconvenience in this one.
- The director of this movie is an absolute genius. He has figured out how to film a tense scene without any tension in it at all.
- Terry is awakened by the aforementioned heavy breather, who is obviously watching her while slamming his ham.
- The movie is now at its halfway point, and Terry is just realizing that they should make an effort to leave this house.
- After all of these rather harsh observations, the movie throws out another full frontal shower scene with Terry and Nancy. It’s as if it knew I was getting bored and it offered that as a kind gesture. I was, and it is, and I thank you.
- Nancy’s gonna go out and try to reach town to get a word out to their parents. So long sweetie.
- The music accompanying Nancy’s trek through the woods sounds like Gary Numan threw up and then passed out on his keyboard.
- Nancy’s screams of “oh no!” while she’s being hacked to death, really brought home the fact that she didn’t want her murder to happen.
- Has Terry really not learned that you shouldn’t mention men or parents around Marion yet?
- Marion’s father had sex with an eight-year-old girl? OK, I now understand her mother’s venomous ire.
- It has been awhile since Terry got naked. Hint hint movie.
- What is it with mother and her salt and pepper shakers? It’s positively Manchurian.
- Here we go, another men-are-all-evil dinner conversation scene. Try talking politics or current events for the love of obviously no one else but Eve.
- Terry is awakened by more masturbatory breathing. At this point self–abuse might be the only thing to get me through the rest of this movie.
- Speaking of, someone tell the guy who is doing the jerking-off Foley breathing that he doesn’t have to swallow the fucking mic.
- After exploring the house, Terry finds old pictures that are obviously clues to the history of this family, and Carl; the five-year-old-minded adult brother of Marion. Of-fucking-course.
- Marion then goes on to explain the situation with her brother way too much. Look, he’s either a McGuffin or a Red Herring. He can’t be both.
- Hey everyone! Norman’s back! Who gives a shit.
- Oh yeah, Gloria – the third girl in the car is re-introduced with ten minutes to go.
- Gloria then promptly gets an axe in her face. Fuck her and me.
- Terry has been shouting Gloria’s name so much now, I have that awful Laura Branigan song in my head. No, I’m not posting the link to the video.
- Carl gives chase to Terry into the evil wood shed that now houses her friends’ bodies. The end folks, is quite thankfully nigh.
- Back into the main house where Terry shoots Carl in the face with one shot. Looks great naked and a sharpshooter, who knew?
- Well raise my rent! Not only is Marion the killer, she is also a man. It was Psycho after all, or was it The Crying Game? Who cares, the movie’s over.
Scare Level: Realizing that this movie was 79 minutes long when it felt like 790, scared the shit out of me.
Gore Level: Blood during a slashing, an axe to the mush, and what looked like some body parts in the wood shed but I can’t really be sure.
Nudity Level: Two very nice shower scenes, one of which is les femme à deux.
Best Line: “A lot of really weird things are going on round here. Breathing, strange sounds, your Mother, now faces at the window, I can’t stand it!” No shit Shirley, neither can we.
Best Scene: When Terry and Nancy are planning their day ahead while in the shower together. I know I’m playing up the nudity as usual, but as I’ve said in previous reviews; there is really nothing else worth mentioning in this movie.
Worst Scene: Any one of which that involved dialogue. So, pretty much all of ‘em. Honorable Mention: The final shot when Marion reverts to his/her female voice and says, “No, Mother” should have clearly been on her face and not on a still shot of a staircase. I mean c’mon.
Overall: This was a Video Nasty? Apparently it received that classification for the excessive nudity (I wouldn’t say excessive even though I just did) and the violent gore. The gore? Seriously? Most of the Friday The 13th’s have more gore than this. I know that there are 64 more Video Nasties to go, but to be honest they’ve been a let down so far. Christ, imagine if I reviewed all 72? Wouldn’t that be sick? Who the fuck am I talking to?
Score: 1.5 Out Of The Two Girls Who Were Naked (out of 10)