Alabama Sasquatch (2012)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: When local badass Jebediah “Junebug” Jefferson’s stash of the legendary “Alabama Sasquatch Skunk Ape Special” is stolen all hell breaks loose in Grass County!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Oh this flick thinks it’s gonna be cute with he fake old-timey Feature Presentation bumper before the flick starts. Please, you have to earn cult status motherfuckers!
• X-rated you say?
• BEWBS right out of the fucking gate! This beats Night of the Demon‘s record by a long mile! And it’s actually full frontal and ass as well.
• A Bigfoot is planning on attacking a showering lady.
• Holy shit, it literally splooges a gallon of milk white cum at her while she screams! Eat your heart out Hitchcock!
• Rat Bastards Films Presents. That production company’s name is affecting my grammar OCD. 
• Shouldn’t it be RatS Bastard Films? Like AttorneyS General if you’re talking about more than one Attorney General?
• Sign says welcome to NORMAL; population 420. Not so much a sign like a town sign on the side of the road but more or less a small yard sign like you would find for a lost dog or vote for Pedro.
• This film looks crude and cheap. But it’s OK because last year I watched like 9 low-budget fan-made Friday the 13th flicks so I’m more than used to this shit. I’m a veteran for this shit.
• Film states this flashback is 1987. Just waiting for all the Appetite For Destruction and Hysteria needle-drops.
• Captain Midnight is the one with the afro in case you were wondering.
• I sure hope this terrible conversation and its horrible film edits are part of a long joke for how bad this movie is.
• So this is 1987 but here Capt. Midnight and his old white buddy are both dressed like they just acted in Easy Rider.
• Captain MIdnight’s welcome home meal is, according to his white redneck hippy friend, “Fried chicken, macaroni, collard greens, black-eyed peas soaked in back fat with bacon, with some cornbread and you’re gonna wash it all down with a big ol’ glass of purple Kool-Aid!”
• Captain Midnight calls his friend’s racism out but the white dude says he saw Midnight’s mother at the grocery try store buying all that stuff. So there!
• “I’ve seen shit in those woods that would make you shit through your dick hole.” Eat your heart out Ben Franklin!
• Captain Midnight is strolling through a field (is that supposed to be the woods?) and spots a pissing Sasquatch, who (according to its subtitles) is just as shocked to see a human out there. But he then offers Captain Midnight a doobie.

• Captain Midnight takes a toke and sees random flashbacks and weird surreal images of dancing girls, old wise Asian men and maybe scenes of murder. All I know it’s better than the last few Rob Zombie movies.
• When Captain Midnight returns from his trip after that one puff, his afro is gone!
• Midnight then refuses more and Sasquatch’s subtitles state: “Good. More for me Buckwheat.”
• There’s an actor named Mike Cox. And Larry McAdams plays Queef.
• This movie feels like it was straight to video but back in 1997. Even the main titles feels like an old White Zombie music video.
• Written and directed by Tommy Slama. Of the Alabama Slamas.
• I don’t know what’s happening now but I will go forward with the understanding that this film is not taking itself seriously and neither should I. 
• “The only way to kill a Sasquatch is…Kung Fu!” Says this middle-aged Boy Scout that came out of nowhere.
• Now the Boy Scout is going to tell a Bigfoot story. Wait a minute, the main titles for Legend of Boggy Creek just popped up. Is Boy Scout Man going to recap the events of The Legend of Boggy Creek?! That’s Jim’s job motherfucker!
• Oh. It’s a flashback to the night Boy Scout dude witnessed the ‘Bama Squatch while he was watching Boggy Creek at home.
• Boy Scout dude’s name is Bumper. And of course he has a drunkard sheriff father.
• Hahaha. The Sasquatch took Bumper’s teddy bear before he went to tell his dad and when he returned the bear was back but covered in Sasquatch shit.
• OK. This movie looks and sounds like complete Sasquatch diarrhea but it isn’t without its charms. The Sasquatch itself is hilarious. All it does is terrorize humans and smoke reefer and cusses like a sailor.
• He offers a doobie to a woman (really a man crossdressing) who says she can’t pay the Sasquatch for the hit (Sasquatch didn’t ask for anything) but says she can arrange for something else and proceeds to do the blow job hand gesture with her tongue in her cheek. The camera cuts for a second to a long shot showing the shadow of the “lady” who has an erection.

• Sasquatch notices this and says “NOT AGAIN” and runs off. The tranny then says it’s back to giving $2 hands behind the Taco Wagon.
• I have to admit I’ve seen about 4 dozen worse movies during Schlocktoberfest.
• Wait a minute! It’s only been 11 minutes so far?! I must be trippin!
• Couple parked in a lot and another Sasquatch flashback of the girl when she was younger talking to her girlfriend about local myths and legends. The friend mentions the Cannabis Coyote and now I wish to see a movie about that. Actually, I’d much rather watch the Cannabis Coyote vs. The Stoner Sasquatch movies where they duke it out a little bit before becoming best buds after a major bong rip.
• Speaking of reefer, excuse me for a sec. When in Rome, amiright?
• So this flashback is about two girls telling old yarns about the local Sasquatch. So there’s a spoken flashback inside this visual flashback. Gotcha. Hey, if you’re going to make a stoner Sasquatch comedy, maybe not make it too hard to keep up with. Am I wrong?
• Lesbian kiss!
• The taco that chick just ate had Sasquatch pubes in it. Which makes the other girl state: “You know, I’ve never eaten pussy before either.”
• Maybe it’s the pot talking but that other friend that mentioned the Cannabis Coyote kinda looks like my wife.
• Back to modern times and the dude in the car is struggling big time to get his dick wet.
• [Blue balls] lead to cancer of the dick so sayeth Doctor Strikeout.
• Why does Dr. Strikeout have two registrations on his car? Why do I fucking care?!
• So some good ol’ boys pull up in van next to the couple and jokes are flying with gay jokes, redneck jokes, Mexican jokes, misogyny jokes. All while having an air of fear that they could be attacked at any moment.
• Meanwhile, some other hick is seducing a sheep in a field. This movie has everything.
• HAHAHA. Best decapitation effect ever. You have to see it as my prose will never do it justice. However, I’m left perplexed as to who wielded the machete that killed one of the good ol’ boys. A second earlier he was chasing the girl and she definitely didn’t have a sword.

• It was the other good ol’ boy? But why did he kill his friend and then kill Dr. Nevergettinglaid.
• But now the good ol’ boy with the sword is angry his friend is dead. Trust me, I am not stoned enough yet to be this confused.
• Now the girl is an actual Nazi talking to another Nazi that we only see from the slight side profile and he seems to be zombie-like. She works for him though and explains that the boy wanted her to “slob his bob” but she managed to get his photo of his mom and the Sasquatch taking a shit from years ago. So mission accomplished. 
• Actually quick question: Are both his mom and Bigfoot taking simultaneous shits or just one of them while the other watches?
• I almost forgot about the sheep fucking hick that happened to be around. Guess he was there for small comic relief?
• Cut to: a Taco Wagon commercial. Because why not?
• Now we’re treated to an unrelated mini-movie about a kid named Poot. I am not kidding. 
• This is just like a Verhoeven movie with the fake commercials and news. But only if Paul Verhoeven was special needs and raised on nothing but Jack-in-the-Box and Crystal Meth.
• I’m only half-paying attention and they only hint that Poot may have had a Sasquatch sighting. 
• The old white hippy dude from the beginning shows up in a field and just starts hollering, complaining and kicking shit around. I really don’t know what’s happening.
• Captain Midnight is doing target practice in another field when a random satchel bag flies out of nowhere and hits him in the head. I think weed is inside.
• I’m less than 25 minutes in and already I want someone to die. Starting with me.
• I really don’t know if this is a flashback or not. The old white hippy dude looks exactly the same as his flashback from 1987 in the beginning so it’s anyone’s guess.

• “That’s not my dick in your back!” Sayeth the Nazi girl to the old hippy guy. I believe that line was already used in Bill Murray’s Quick Change to greater humor effect.
• Chyron for Pudd “Poot” Skidmore: Ammateur synchronized swimmer.
• Chyron for “Some Redneck”: Self described bologne expert
• My guess is someone recently got Final Cut or something and really liked the idea of the grainy old footage filter to use for the flashbacks hence why they have so many flashbacks. Why am I giving this film any excuses?
• Do I really have to comment on this flick anymore? I know the answer but I don’t know why I do this. I suppose I do do it for you fine folks. I just said doo-doo.
• So I guess this whole story of Poot mini-news thing is somewhat important because they keep cutting back to it and now the journalist host is fired for being drunk and cussing on the UHF channel. Will all this matter later? OW! I just pulled a shoulder muscle shrugging too hard.
• It’s funny now watching older movies that feature marijuana and how stoners act like outlaws getting the stuff when now it’s basically legal nationwide. It’s akin to watching someone use a rotary phone.
• Man, this movie is absolute bonkers. The Nazi lady ties up old hippy dude and he tells her that the Sasquatch is with Bumper in his house. But that was false info or something and when Nazi girl is about to shoot the old hippy, Sasquatch attacks her and saves the old man. She then asks Bigfoot where the crystals are. Then that reminds me that when Captain Midnight found the weed in that magic satchel that hit him earlier, before he found the weed there was some sort of crystal also in the bag that he threw away in the field. Now there’s a scene explaining how powerful the crystals are and that there’s a League of Sasquatch’s that are sent from space to protect the crystals. Believe me, I am not stoned!
• Now there’s a whole mini-movie explaining the magic crystal and why there are Sasquatches. Again, my prose won’t do it justice so here’s the whole thing:

• Now wait, the Normal in the earlier sign was for Normal, Texas which the expository narration reminds us. So why is this movie called Alabama Sasquatch?
• This movie is a prime example of filmmakers (for lack of a better word) only wanting to make a dumb offensive 90 minute joke than an actual coherent or relevant story. 
• The old hippy shot the Nazi chick in the head while she was ass-kicking Sasquatch. He then quotes Chris Tucker in Friday by saying “You got knocked the fuck out!” I’m not even half-way through and I’m ready to commit seppuku for choosing this mistake.
• Well this is awkward. So I took a break from this flick since I didn’t have the time to watch it all in one sitting (I do this often—sometimes it’s the only sane way to watch this garbage) problem is, sometimes, I take too long to return to it and I forget some key elements or plot-points. Case in point here, After the Sasquatch and the hippy part ways, another Nazi wearing a zombie or monster mask (straight from Spirit of Halloween) comes to find the Nazi chick dead. I honestly don’t recall another Nazi in this movie. I also reread my notes and I didn’t mention another zombie-looking Nazi. Anyway, better to just press-on.
• Now there’s a crappy Twilight Zone homage/satire complete with a Rod Sterling look-alike describing in the worst audio imaginable about Captain Midnight being tied to a chair. Again, I don’t remember what happened to Midnight since I took my week-long break.
• Anyway, Captain Midnight is tied up in a house of what looks like a bad Texas Chainsaw Massacre-style redneck family.
• Hahahaha. “I knew it. I fucking knew it would end like this. Main course at the motherfucking Cracker Barrel!” 
• Oooooooh a “Dark Meat” joke. Classy!
• Oh. This movie is called Alabama Sasquatch because Captain Midnight’s weed is called Alabama Sasquatch Skunk Ape Special. It’s simply a coincidence that Sasquatches happen to be in the same town as the movie.
• But they just were reminded that Midnight is their weed dealer so all’s good.
• This flick is making me NOT want to smoke pot anymore.
• But Midnight takes advantage of them while they’re high and escapes but is scared by a random clown in the house. He escapes but not before he says: “Goddamned Clowns. Made my dick shrivel up to 14 inches!”
• Now we cut to Bumper walking with what could only be described as a werewolf wearing a Tang Shirt that martial artists like Bruce Lee would wear. His name is Eric.

• They also found the magical crystal orb. He plans on pawning it of course.
• Sheriff….Hardwood. Nuff Said.
• At least the cops in this stupid silly flick have what look like real police uniforms!
• The fired newsman guy is lured into by a bottle of bourbon attached to a string and pulled by his court-appointed counselor for his alcohol abuse. Her name is Miss Snatchburger (pronounced as Snatch-booj-ay. It’s French.)
• There’s other people there. Supposedly it’s an intervention (even I know this is not how interventions work) and he says that he doesn’t even know these people. Two stoners claim that they were only there for the free donuts. The one stoner says that someone sucked all the cream out of the eclairs and then it cuts to a hot chick realizing they are talking about her and she wipes her lips and says “Oops my bad.”
• I’m still not half-way into this. I have to stop commenting so much on this.
• This is like a Family Guy episode with all these fast random dumb offensive jokes. 
• The eclair chick wants to meet Captain Midnight that just strolled in. The news guy (I think his name is JB or Jimby) tells Midnight: “This is Janice. Hell, I thought everyone knew her. She’s had more black guys in her than a goddamned Church’s Fried Chicken!” She replies: “Finger-licking good.” Wrong franchise but we’ll allow it.
• Oh yeah, this movie features a Sasquatch.

• Some random bikini-clad chick is strolling around and is randomly attacked and killed by the white Sasquatch. The Yeti is then attacked by one of the cannibal rednecks and is kidnapped by him.
• Bumper knocks on the door looking for Gloria and Janice answers the door. He doesn’t recognize her so she starts to allude to a flashback scene about to begin and Bumper tells her to stop and that “We don’t have time for that shit right now.” At least this flick is completely self-aware, I’ll give it that.
• I do wish that this flick had better sound quality. I’m having trouble hearing half of the jokes because it there’s a bad hiss sound over most of the dialogue. I think I missed an interesting woman is hospitalized for swallowing too much semen joke. Oh well. This flick needs subtitles. Do I dare make an OpenSubtitles joke considering this z-grade flick’s subtitles wouldn’t even be available on that site?
• Should I even consider highlighting the bad “Can I play with your hairy box” only to be revealed Bumper was referring to an actual box with loads of pet hair on it?
• I’m sorry, but some moments and gags in this are actually very funny. I’m literally LOLing at some of the jokes and it’s making me mad and question reality.
• Midnight, JB, and JB’s son drive over to the old hippy’s house to score some weapons. Hippy asks what Jimby is doing there and that he remembers what happened in Poon Tang (I’m assuming that’s a joke on Viet Nam?)
• Movie thinks the Poon-Tang war gag is worthy of a badly made grainy war documentary-style flashback.
• A flashback that is over 5 minutes long!!!!
• My Vietnam War veteran father never told me that ‘Nam was this much fucking fun.
• The sound quality is so bad that some dialogue switches from stereo with noise in the background to one channel only with noise in the background. It even has the dreadful transition of hearing the hissing to not when the talking stops on the dialogue track.
• Boloney Omelet should be the name of this movie.
• Another flashback joke about Captain Midnight’s puppet show.
• I feel like this movie is forgetting something. Oh yeah, a Sasquatch!
• Random music video featuring the cannibal Texas Chainsaw redneck family’s birthday party for their grandpa. At least Sasquatch is there.
• So Midnight and his crew are gearing up for war with the cannibals (because he left his weed stash there when he was abducted earlier) and they are walking in bad-ass slo-mo towards the house like most action flicks do and watching them is two guys on the side of the road and one asks “where the fuck are they going?” And the other says “and why are they walking so fucking slow?” I can’t hate this flick.
• In the ensuing melee, Poot (I think) saves the Sasquatch. Meanwhile a very buxom chick is shaking her assets in close-up while the machine gun shakes her around.

• Sorry I failed you by not mentioning that Midnight’s son is played by an Asian actor who is totally talking in a stereotypical Asian accent. I didn’t think much of it because it wasn’t really the focus of any jokes. Until now when Bumper finds the Yeti that the redneck kidnapped earlier and the son calls it a Snow Monster and Bumper calls him out on that since they are in Texas and the son says remember “Rash Rear.” 
• Another flashback? Sure why not? I’m not driving!
• Did the movie purposefully show a shoot out between two people both filmed shooting in the same direction? Because that’s what I just saw and it totally bent my brain wrong.
• 16 minutes left. I can do this.
• Hahaha. Jimby is so drunk that he can’t handle putting bullets into the chamber of his revolver so instead he just takes the bullet and throws it at someone before he passes out.
• I’m beginning to get the feeling that the Sasquatches don’t matter in this movie.
• 15 minutes left. Come on, I can do this.
• This movie’s soundtrack is one to behold as well. Mostly weird unknown tracks, mainly metal but it depends on the scenes. Not sure if all the music was made for this particular movie but here there’s an awesome hip-hop theme song that keeps repeating Alabama Sasquatch Skunk Ape Special Weed over and over again.
• Now we are being entertained by a sword fight on the bed of a speeding pick-up truck between Midnight and the zombie Nazi. The filmmakers just shot low-angle of the truck aimed just above the wheels (because they aren’t moving) and shaking the camera to simulate the effect of motion. Truthfully, this is better effective than most movies can do.
• Hahahaha. Midnight defeats the Nazi scum and throws him off the pick-up. Old hippy dude is racing behind the pick-up in his sports car and creams the Nazi into oblivion.
• Oh yeah, the brown and white Sasquatches are fighting too.
• 11 minutes left! I can do this!
• Apparently I just learned that these filmmakers made an earlier flick called Weedwolf! Look for my upcoming review for that when we do the inevitable Classic Monster schlock theme for a future Schlocktoberfest.
• Well the movie’s wrapping up now and I’d like to take this opportunity to express my upmost gratitude to you regarding…FOCUS! The scene is completely out of focus, you dumbshits!
• Somehow the random bikini chick that was killed by the Yeti is back and chops off the Yeti’s head with a sword. Sweet redemption!

• The brown Sasquatch returns Midnight’s stash and when Midnight gets emotional about it, the Sasquatch calls him a fag.
• While Capt. Midnight is walking away he spots the clown again and throws a machete at him (which in the close-up of the clown the machete turns into an ax) and while happy soul/funk music is playing the clown happens to eek out one last honk of his horn. I laughed Cromdammit!
• Fin
• But wait! There’s more! Random clips of the characters goofing off and a scene of a Maury Povich style show called Snatchburger in Your Face. Jimby is proclaiming that his Asian son isn’t his because the boy’s Italian and he ain’t ever been to France.
• Dead Nazi Chick back from the dead! Dun-dun-DUNNNN!!!

Final Thoughts: Hoo-boy where to even begin? This movie is pure absurd chaos with offensive gag after offensive gag with drugs, sword-fighting Nazis, Rednecks being blown away with a bazooka, titties, and oh yeah some Sasquatches. Seriously, I think the total screen time of a Sasquatch is like 12 minutes out of the 90. It never takes itself seriously, and while it looks and sounds like shit, I genuinely laughed and was entertained by this idiotic mess. I’m being honest, that I may check out Weedwolf now. But would I recommend this? You bet your sweet bippy I would!

Score: 8 Baloney Omelets (out of 10)