Dead Space (1991)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Coordinates: A dashing space rogue and his robot friend Tin Pan who he likely has sex with answer a distress call that was sent for no real reason from a space base and then later an alien starts killing scientists so it was a good thing Tin Pan showed up to help, I guess.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Hey, it’s Walter White! Jessie we have to cook… in space!
• Don’t leave the deadly alien spore lid open and then be surprised when it eats you. I don’t know how many times I’ve told my daughter that.
• Marc Singer nearly nude in a space sauna. Why is that on his ship? What does he get up to in there with Tin Pan?
• These space battle effects are worse than Star Crash. 
• Marc Singer is like Han Solo if Han was a total prick and also one of the top gay porn stars in the galaxy. 
• Basically the monster in this movie is the space herpe from Ice Pirates. 
• So an alien just burst out of this woman. Seems familiar… Driving Miss Daisy maybe?
• Where is all this harsh white light coming in from? Everyone in the space lab would be fucking blind. 
• All the women at this station sleep in a blue catsuit. Maybe it helps them sleep with the light blasting right in their fucking eyes. 
• The chick who looks like Sean Young had a sex dream about Marc Singer which just involved some light caressing. It’s like accidentally clicking on one of those female-audience-centric clips on PornHub where it’s much more loving and sensual and boring. Which Marc Singer is also likely in. 
• You never saw Marc Singer and Jan Michael Vincent in the same room together snorting coke off the same dead hooker. I think they were the same person.

• This alien just wants to play hide and seek. It has a serious case of Shakma Syndrome. 
• I really don’t have much to say about this garbage. The alien hides in the base, pops out to kill one of them, the other humans shoot at it with the same shitty pistol that does absolutely fuck all, then the alien runs away and hides either outside or in the walls, and it repeats. Sometimes the alien is a little bigger.
• So they can go outside, Marc Singer has a ship that’s broken but he’s not even attempting to repair, don’t the scientists have a ship they can leave in in case of emergency?
• Marc Singer falls 30 feet flat on his back onto some rocks and is basically fine. 
• They alien rips apart Tin Pan, who had the most personality of all the characters. I’m sure it looked better on paper until they saw everyone’s acting at the premiere.
• Here are two trivia items from IMDb that make total sense: “Director Fred Gallo didn’t see the script until the first day of shooting.” “This movie was shot in seventeen days.”
• They keep shooting the alien with a pistol that’s been as effective as spitting poppy seeds at Bigfoot’s balls. 
• So the alien is essentially a disease, like Super Space AIDS, that was made by Walter White to combat regular Space AIDS, which he is afflicted with. So they fill darts with Walter’s blood, which penetrates the alien’s skin even though hundreds of bullets didn’t. I’m so very tired.

• This movie is like if you asked a group of meerkats who ate nothing but ghost chili peppers and barbiturates to explain the plot of Alien and if they do it badly enough they’ll be humanely killed so their suffering will end.
• So the alien rips the remaining characters apart then dies from Walter White’s meth blood but then shoots a baby out of its goopy space vagina then Marc Singer sets it on fire and you envy that alien baby. 
• Tin Pan lives!

Scare Stars: Pop an alien out at me once, shame on you; pop an alien out at me 47 times, shame on you still.

Gore Galaxy: Some poorly lit blood and mushy goop bodies, but it’s just not enough.

Nudity Nebula: A bit of space boob during a lady scientist’s dream love scene with Marc Singer, which all ladies would/must have after watching this movie. And most men. 

Space Vacuum: Sort of with the pointless and monotonous space battles in the beginning, then everything else pretty much takes place in the same rat-infested warehouse they used in Leprechaun 4. 

Best Transmission: “That’s what I call science.” – Bryan Cranston

Best Visual: Everything’s boring but anytime Cranston is onscreen you at least appreciate the actor he’ll become one day. Just not necessarily this day.

Worst Visual: When the alien pops out of a wall then disappears.

Universally: So this is actually the first picture I watched for Schlocktoberfest IX but I’m just posting it now because I had written so little about it and was thinking of watching it again to pad out the notes, but finally decided I would rather eat my own eyelids than watch it again, so here we are. I’m sorry this is so mundane, but it’s rare that so little goes on in one of these pictures. The reviews don’t all have to be as long as an issue of Fangoria. There’s really just nothing to say. It’s as dull as Marc Singer sleeping and just as repetitive. So really, it’s just a lot of dead space.

Analysis: 1.5 Tin Pans Used for Frying Alien Dicks (out of 10)