New on home video today is Zootopia which is the third installment in the Zoolander series in which a skydiving daredevil named Alex is hurtling toward a gargantuan pile of orangutan shit at Lincoln Park Zoo but one of the orangutans eats all of the shit so Alex has nothing to fall into so Alex panics and shits himself so hard that he starts spinning wildly but the shit comes out with such velocity it rips through his skydiving suit and hits the ground and the spectators at the zoo see this and are inspired to create a human pile of shit so everyone gathers in a circle and starts shitting and it’s actually quite touching but the orangutans don’t like them barging in on their territory so they start flinging their shit at the humans and the humans start flinging their shit at the orangutans and it starts an all-out shit war and this distraction means that the shit pile isn’t big enough so Alex hits the ground at terminal velocity and basically explodes into a shower of guts and the orangutans start laughing and the humans start laughing and they put aside their differences and live in peace in a new society they call Zootopia.
Hail, Caesar! (2016)
New on home video today is Hail, Caesar! which is a crossover movie between Zootopia a.k.a. Zoolander 3 and Planet of the Apes in which Caesar has heard much about this new land of ape and human harmony called Zootopia and he meets with the orangutan king which is King Louie from The Jungle Book because it’s also a crossover from that movie and Caesar is disheartened about all the daily shitflinging that goes on and tells King Louie that apes are better than this and King Louie vehemently disagrees because he loves flinging shit he just lives for it and decrees that as long as he’s king the shitflinging will continue and Caesar just can’t abide so they battle to the death on the same spot where Alex hit the ground and exploded and the battle is quite fierce and both apes are near death but King Louie gets the upper hand by telling Caesar there’s going to be a 5-minute banana break so Caesar lets his guard down but there is no break and King Louie delivers a vicious spinning kick to Caesar’s bare testicles and Caesar is down and King Louie is towering over him about to finish him off when Caesar flings his shit into King Louie’s eyes and blinds him them stabs him through the heart with one of Alex’s bones which they never bothered to clean up so now Caesar is the king and everyone his hailing him but he just doesn’t feel right about how he won and the movie ends with him being hailed but he’s screeching “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” at the sky.
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