Kung Fu Panda 3 (2016)

New on home video today is Kung Fu Panda 3 which consists of unseen super 8 footage from 1972 of a drunken Bruce Lee punching and kicking pandas to death in the Hong Kong Zoo intertwined with interviews Bruce gave shortly before this incident in which he foreshadowed his intentions by constantly interrupting the interviewee not matter what question they were asking and telling them that his lifelong quest is to destroy pandas with his bare hands because when he was six years old a lone panda wandered into his his village and slaughtered everyone including his mother and father and siblings and even his beloved wife and little Bruce tried to best that panda with kung fu right then and there but since he was only six and his kung fu powers hadn’t yet fully developed he was defeated by the panda but not before little Bruce managed to tear off the tip of the panda’s tongue with a lightning-quick kick but the panda had won the day and all the bamboo in the village plus all the human skin because pandas love human skin almost as much as bamboo but nobody ever talks about that part of their diet because it’s so horrifying and that’s why you never ever turn your bare back to a panda because they will eat your entire back skin before you even know what’s happening but anyway Bruce trained 23 hours a day for decades developing his own brand of kung fu specifically designed to defeat pandas called Jeet Kune Do because Jeet means “merciless” and Kune means “panda” and Do means “destruction” and he taught this technique to anyone willing to learn including Lee Marvin and James Coburn and Kareem Abdul Jabbar and he gave them instructions to go forth and destroy every panda they came across which turned out to be like 67 pandas between the three of them with Jabbar killing three pandas at once during the filming of Airplane! but this is not enough for Bruce as he feels that the panda is the enemy of man and must be exterminated so he starts off on his trek throughout mainland China destroying 99% of the panda population by himself only stopping to feast on what was left of their carcasses and to shoot the occasional movie but still he never finds the one panda he’s been looking for all this time the panda who murdered his village until one day he gets a tip from none other than Chuck Norris who makes a deal with Bruce that if Bruce will please stop calling him a pussy in public he’ll tell him the whereabouts of the panda but Bruce doesn’t make deals with pussies so he just kicks the whereabouts out of his throat and it turns out that the panda has been hiding in plain sight this whole time at the Hong Kong Zoo and his name is Po so Bruce quickly runs there from Los Angeles drinking seawater the whole way which would kill a normal man but for Bruce it only gets him drunk and he gets to the zoo to find that they have many pandas so he has to kill them all with punches and kicks but none of them are the right panda until he hears some cackling from behind him and he wheels around and confronts Po and Po says “Bruuuuthhhhhh” because the tip of his tongue is missing and Bruce says nothing because he’s overcome with emotion at the thought of his family and beloved wife’s skin being eaten by this ne’er do well so a fierce battle is raged throughout the zoo and Po really hasn’t missed a step in his kung fu despite his advanced age and Bruce’s Jeet Kune Do is impressive but still no match for Po and plus Bruce is drunk as shit and it looks like Po has Bruce defeated in the ape pit at the zoo but all of a sudden King Louie throws a handful of shit in Po’s face and that’s the opening Bruce needs so he summons all of his will and gets up visibly shaking with raw fury and then the fucking film runs out.

Own it today!