10 Astoundingly Astute Observations of the ‘Rogue One: A Star Wars Story’ Trailer

1. Another British white female brunette protagonist? What are the chances she doesn’t turn out to be Rey’s mother? But that would contradict my theory that Rey was conceived the night of the celebration at the end of Return of the Jedi, when Luke and Leia, drunk on Ewodka, finally succumb to their brewing passions.

2. Her name is Gin Asshole?

3. In a world were everyone fights everything and blasters and lightsabers are utilized as much as toilet paper, aggravated assault is a serious crime?

4. Again, what the f*@%*!# good are Stormtrooper helmets? They do absolutely nothing to protect their wearer and are probably distracting to have on your head. Obviously they don’t have a HUD that helps with aiming or something because they famously can’t shoot for shit.

5. Donnie Yen’s character is clearly Darth Maul’s son. And I assume his mother is Bail Organa.

6. R.O.T.O.R.!!

7. I imagine that hooded character kneeling in front of the Turkish bath is Darth Vader, and that Emperor Palpatine is the one who is nude in the Turkish bath wondering how dare Lord Vader disturb his Turkish bath time.

8. All that amazing technology yet they can’t correct a lazy eye?

9. I bet they provide some fan service at the end of the movie when Gin Asshole finds the plans and discovers that the Death Star can easily be destroyed by shooting a torpedo into its butthole and she’s like, “Seriously? That’s it?”

10. From the director of Monsters and the writer of The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps

4 thoughts on “10 Astoundingly Astute Observations of the ‘Rogue One: A Star Wars Story’ Trailer

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