Puppet Master (1989)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Puppets come to life and instead of entertaining children oh no they don’t do that they kill people is what they do all right.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Special appearance by Barbara Crampton! Oh boy!
• If you can ever think of this guy as anyone but Uncle Lewis from Christmas Vacation then kudos.
• Are we looking at the POV of a doll running through this hotel? Why is it out of breath?
• It’s running right in front of people who take to notice. Yeah because you never notice if something like a spider or cockroach is running in front of you, so a big doll with a hook hand would be totally invisible.
• Haha, I take that back, an old fat lady finally notices it, as they’re wont to do.
• Uncle Lewis/Toulon decides to just kill himself instead of trying to defend himself at all. He probably could’ve gotten the jump on those guys somehow. Was he suicidal?
• Please don’t let this guy who looks like 1985 Biff Tannen with a mullet be our protagonist…

  

  “What are you lookin’ at, puppet head?”
• Why can’t this be more of a straightforward slasher movie with killer puppets? What’s with all this dumb psychic poppycock?
• Mews Small! I love her voice! She sounds like Shirley Temple age 8.
• Now Biff! Don’t con me!
• Well there’s a boob.
• I guess this blond woman’s psychic powers are only tuned into historic boning?
• Ok, uh, guys? Movie’s 1/3 over already. Let’s move it.
• Here’s the puppet with a tiny Sloth head and big Donna Reed hands.

  

  The Count of Monte Fisto
• They keep saying the name Gallagher so much I’m half-expecting some watermelon smashing.
• And now a slow-motion shot of a man eating shrimp.
• Something blah blah Egyptians blah blah bringing inanimate objects to blah life. Can these killer puppets just kill someone already?
• So these idiots are more concerned about what the dead body was up to in life than how the dead body got out of its coffin and put in a chair?
• It’s still not clear why these puppets are killing people. And who their master is.
• If Metallica doesn’t play over the end credits I’ll be very disappointed.
• Another boob, but I’m so god damn bored.
• Can all of these people just die already?
• Again, these toys and their actions are simply too cute to be scary. I call it Shakma Syndrome.
• Screwhead?

  

  Why did Toulon make so many dolls with pointy heads?
• How does this guy not know this is a doll sucking on his nipples and not a full-size human woman?
• Leechmouth?

  

  One of the most unique stripper acts you’ll ever see.
• We’re finally getting all-out killer puppet action with 25 minutes left.
• Biff Tannen ’85 also reminds me a lot of Dan Haggerty from Elves, except this guy doesn’t seem drunk all the time.
• Gallagher is out of his casket again. Why?
• Why did Toulon even give Big Hands such a small head?
• There had better be a lot of explaining in these last few precious minutes. Especially since everyone you knew was going to die is now dead.
• Please stop this slow dance sequence.
• Dream in a dream? Incpuppetion?
• Now they’re reading from Toulon’s old diary. There’s that exposition.
• How did this movie launch an entire franchise?
• So Gallagher resurrected himself somehow and I don’t care, but now he’s crossed the puppets, and you just don’t do that.
• Oh we’ve got a bigger dressing room than the puppets? Oh that’s refreshing.
• I guess now matter how immortal you are a punch to the balls will put you down.
• Why is Alex trying to save the villain from the puppets? Just get the fuck out of there.
• So I guess if you’re immortal you can still be easily killed.
• Wait Mews showed up again at the end, then she disappeared. What happened to her?
• If that stuffed dog winks at the camera I’m going to piss myself.
• Soooooo, the girl was the puppet master this whole time?
• This movie was cool for about 8 minutes and 46 seconds minutes total.
  

Is It Actually Scary: If you have a fear of a small puppet chewing on your nipples, which is a specific phobia that I’m afflicted by.

How Much Gore: More blood than your average puppet holds.

Best Scene: This spoils the ending but whatever. I like the puppet teamwork on display here. Seems like they’ve really built each other’s trust so they can accomplish their mutual goals through synergy.

Worst Scene: Basically, any time there’s not a puppet onscreen, which is way too much time.

Any Nudity: Some fleeting boob moments, and the Miss Leech puppet wears a skimpy nighty, if you’re into that sort of thing, which I totally am.

Overall: A movie about killer dolls isn’t exactly a new premise (as you’ll see all week), but at least this one tried to get creative with its pernicious puppets. They all have their own cool abilities (except for the jester, which only has a rotating face, which is no good to anybody), and when they kill it’s fun and looks cool, but those moments are way to sparse in what is otherwise a complete snoozer about psychic dingleberries wandering around a hotel, chattering on about nonsense instead of getting to the point and getting the hell out of there. But then, if they were intelligent, they wouldn’t be getting killed by 8-inch dolls. So overall, this movie needed the puppet to dingleberry ratio completely flipped, but as it stands, you can just watch the death scenes and save yourself some time to practice bringing evil needlepoint to life.

Score: 5 nipple leeches (out of 10)