Today’s Headlines presented by R.O.T.O.R.! 5-29-2014

Todays Headlines

[BEGIN MOVIE NEWS TRANSMISSION]

BECAUSE SUPERMAN’S COSTUME MUST HAVE MORE TEXTURE, IN BATMAN V SUPERMAN HIS SUIT MAY LOOK LIKE AN ABANDONED ROCK QUARRY. BY THE THIRD FILM, HE SHOULD LOOK EXACTLY LIKE THE THING FROM FANTASTIC FOUR.

THE DIRECTOR OF THE WOLVERINE WANTS TO MAKE A JOE NAMATH MOVIE, IN WHICH BROADWAY JOE GETS HIS THROWING ARM CHOPPED OFF BY NINJAS RIGHT BEFORE SUPER BOWL III BUT IT REGENERATES BY HALFTIME AND HE GOES ON TO WIN THE BIG GAME BY SLICING JOHNNY UNITAS IN HALF WITH HIS CLAWS. 

JURASSIC WORLD IS SET DURING A TIME WHEN PEOPLE ARE TIRED OF DINOSAURS, KIND OF LIKE HOW R.O.T.O.R. IS TIRED OF DOING THIS COLUMN EVERY DAY. SO TOMORROW WILL BE THE LAST TODAY’S HEADLINES FOR A WHILE, WHICH WILL NOW ONLY BE ONCE A WEEK. R.O.T.O.R. IS GETTING BEHIND IN R.O.T.O.R’S EXECUTION QUOTA. 

TODAY’S BIRTHDAYS: DANNY ELFMAN, TIM BURTON’S LONGTIME LOVER, IS 61!

[END MOVIE NEWS TRANSMISSION]

[TODAY’S TRAILER: THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU (QUITE APPROPRIATE)]


15 thoughts on “Today’s Headlines presented by R.O.T.O.R.! 5-29-2014

  1. R.O.T.O.R. is sacrificing his daily news articles to focus on his killing sprees?! God help us. I’m going to encourage Miguel to forge an alliance. Maybe that way I’ll be spared…

    Like

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