Today’s Headlines presented by R.O.T.O.R.! 4-4-2014

Todays Headlines

[BEGIN GRACEFUL CONCESSION SPEECH]

 YOU KNOW WHAT? R.O.T.O.R. IS GOING TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD TODAY. WHAT DOES R.O.T.O.R. CARE THAT YOU ALL VOTED R.O.T.O.R. OUT OF SOME STUPID TOURNAMENT? R.O.T.O.R. HAS RUN AWAY FROM ADVERSITY IN THE PAST, BUT NOT THIS TIME. YOUR PRECIOUS PENNYWISE IS DEAD, AND YOU CAN SAY HELLO TO HIM THE NEXT TIME YOU COMMIT EVEN THE SMALLEST OF CRIMES. IT IS NOT LIKE R.O.T.O.R. DID NOT HATE YOU ALL TO BEGIN WITH. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DID VOTE FOR R.O.T.O.R…. YOU WILL STILL DIE, BUT MUCH QUICKER AND NOT NEARLY AS HORRIBLY. LIKE MAYBE A 6 ON THE HORRIBLENESS SCALE INSTEAD OF A 10.

ALTHOUGH IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO R.O.T.O.R. NOW, DO NOT FORGET TO VOTE IN THE FRIGHTFUL FOUR OF THE VILLAIN MADNESS TOURNAMENT, YOU HUMAN PILES OF GARBAGE.

[END GRACEFUL CONCESSION SPEECH]

[BEGIN MOVIE NEWS TRANSMISSION]

QUENTIN TARANTINO WILL BE HOLDING ONE LIVE READING OF HIS LEAKED HATEFUL EIGHT SCRIPT, WITH R.O.T.O.R. PLAYING ALL THE PARTS, BUT ALL IN THE SAME VOICE AND NEVER PAUSING.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE WILL VOICE LEONARDO AND TONY SHALOUB WILL VOICE SPLINTER IN THE NEW TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES PICTURE, WITH EDDIE VAN HALEN’S GUITAR AS THE VOICE OF SHREDDER.

HERE IS SOME MORE AWESOME CONCEPT ART FOR JURASSIC WORLD OF A RESORT THAT DINOSAURS WILL TEAR ASUNDER, MOST LIKELY WITH THEIR TEETH AND CLAWS, LESS LIKELY WITH THEIR GENITALIA.

AFTER TURNING A PROFIT OF $19 IN THE U.S. BOX OFFICE, ALAN PARTRIDGE WILL BE GETTING A SEQUEL.

HOLLY HUNTER HAS JOINED THE CAST OF BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN, REPRISING HER ROLE FROM THE PIANO AS A DEAF-MUTE WOMAN WHO BATMAN BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF.

TODAY’S BIRTHDAYS: CRAIG T. NELSON ONLY MOVED THE HEADSTONES AT 70!

[END MOVIE NEWS TRANSMISSION]

 

[TODAY’S TRAILER: THE DROP, JAMES GANDOLFINI’S FINAL PERFORMANCE BEFORE R.O.T.O.R. EXECUTED HIM FOR USING TOO MANY NAPKINS AT A RIB JOINT]


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