Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: I don’t think you’d believe me if I told you, but here goes: A great white shark, with seemingly no connection whatsoever to the original Jaws shark, seeks… “revenge”… on the Brody family… for some reason…

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Amity Island shouldn’t be so busy at Christmas.
• A shark sets a trap. Knows exactly when Sheriff Sean Brody is coming. Somehow bites him while he’s on the boat. Again, the shark set a trap…
• Ellen: “It waited all this time and it came for him.” I mean, wow…
• Michael Brody: “Mom, I made a deal with the sharks. I gave them Sean so they’d leave the rest of us alone. I’m sorry. It had to be done.” OK, he didn’t really say that, but it would have been awesome if he did.
• Ellen is laughing at her own son’s funeral.
• She is batshit crazy.
• Sidney Poitier driving a cab!
• Ellen senses the shark. This movie’s premise is rigoddamndiculous.
• Nobody seems to give much of a shit that Sean died like 10 days ago.
• No one can see this shark unless it’s 10 feet away.
• “The shark that killed Martin and Sean is following the family.” Whaaaaat?? That’s right, Ellen thinks Martin died because he lived in fear of the shark(s). Even though he killed both of them. AND THEY STILL LIVED IN AMITY???!?!?!
• The shark effects actually look much worse than they did in 1975.

• These notes are sparse because literally nothing happens in this movie besides some whining.
• So the shark attacks Michael’s daughter on a banana boat because it somehow sensed she was there. Then Ellen gets pissed and steals Michael’s schooner to find the shark so she can… do what, exactly?
• Yes. The shark roars.
• Yes. The shark explodes. Literally for no reason. Just because the boat rammed it. Plus, the boat explodes. Mario Van Peebles is nearly bitten in half but survives. And there’s an unacceptably atrocious clearly fake water tank background. It looks like some kids painted clouds on burlap with their feet. The. End.

Is It Actually Scary: It’s actually frightening that a human being came up with the premise for this movie. He probably eats his own poop because he thinks it’s paste.

How Much Gore: There’s a little blood during the three whole shark attacks, and of course shark guts when it explodes.

Best Scene: There is no good scene, so here’s an enjoyable montage of Michael Caine as Hoagie:

Worst Scene:There actually aren’t that many clips of this garbage and you’ve already seen the ending, so just watch this, where the shark attacks a banana boat becuase it wants REVENGE on Michael’s 5-year-old daughter! How does the shark know that she’s Michael’s daughter? SHARKSENSE!!!

Any Nudity: Lorraine Gary and Michael Caine have a fully nude and extremely graphic sex scene that goes on for 27 minutes. The sex is rumored to be real and was filmed over the course of five weeks.

Overall: Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water… it’s still pretty safe, unless you’re a member of or adjacent to the Brody family. This movie is as bad as you think it is. It takes the original Jaws and poops week-old chum all over it. The shark seeking revenge plot is one of the most laughable premises in movie history. You’d have to have the IQ of a rotten sweet potato to think that that’s even remotely plausible. The original Jaws worked because shark attacks on beaches could and do happen, so it’s a fear everyone can relate to. But a shark that’s not only driven by revenge, and not only knows who specific members of the Brody family are, but knows exactly where to find them, even in another country? It’s just amazingly ridiculous. The ending is stunning, in a bad way. I know there’s another ending where the boat just spears the shark through and it just dies and doesn’t explode, and Mario Van Peebles actually dies from being eaten by a shark. That ending seems so much less ludicrous than the random explosion (which also features the shark’s body sinking the the ocean floor in the exact same footage as the original Jaws!!). How did they release this in good conscience? This movie makes lawn darts and New Coke seem like fantastic ideas. The only redeeming qualities of this movie are Michael Caine and a pretty setting, which is precisely why Michael Caine is even in this, to get paid handsomely to take a free vacation to the Bahamas. Hilariously enough, Michael Caine missed accepting an Oscar because he was reshooting the exploding shark ending. Good call. This movie isn’t just bad, it’s insulting, especially when they shoehorn in references to the original and even show footage from it in flashbacks (such as the ending above, when Ellen has a flashback of Martin killing the original shark, an event for which she was not present). Piss on this movie and the shark it rode in on.

Score: 2 exploding sharks (out of 10)