Friday the 13th – Rose Blood

Full Movie: 

 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A direct continuation of Friday the 13th Part VII: A New Blood. How the hell are they going to top that?!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• So apparently this is a direct sequel to Part VII. Should be interesting to see how awfully they tarnish that great entry’s fine reputation.
• This VO narration is something.
• Jason is Cumming!
• So this fan-made F13 flick actually got both Lar Park-Lincoln AND Terry Kiser back?!
• Now I know what you’re all thinking; “Hey, didn’t Jason slice open Dr. Crews with that pole chainsaw in Part VII?” And I’m here to tell you: GET A LIFE!
• Much like Terry Kiser’s career, he’s a hallucination while Tina Shepard is in an insane asylum.
• Terry Kiser kinda looks like Paulie Walnuts now.
• Tina says that Dr. Crews has been dead for 30 years. Must…resist…making a Weekend at Bernie’s joke.
• So yeah, it’s been 30 years and Tina is still haunted and obsessed by her doctor from back then?
• Hodder Mental Health. Nice.
• Now we’re in the past in 1989 with young Tina. So I’m assuming that’s pretty much all we’ll see of Terry Kiser and Lar Park-Lincoln.

• Can we just take a second to point out how weird a name Lar Park-Lincoln is? I don’t think we addressed that in our review back in 2017.
• Camp Crystal Lake Research Facility? The Camp has a research facility?! Shouldn’t it just be Crystal Lake Research Facility? Even that’s weird.
• You’re telling me Crystal Lake is so large a community that a scientific research place made a home there? Kooky.
• Is this going to be one of those fan made flicks that doesn’t feature Jason for 2/3rds of the run time?
• The doctor puts on safety goggles and Star Wars oven mitts to protect his hands when Tina attempts to move a magnet with her mind. Then the doctor quotes Yoda’s “There is no try” line. Fucking geeks.
• Nick? I forgot he survived Jason’s wrath in Part VII.
• This flick incorporates Creighton Duke from Jason Goes to Hell. Because we F13 fans truly loved that character and need to delve deep in his lore.
• C’mon stop with the lame ass comic relief.
• “I am blessed. In my country, people do far worse for a meal.” Says the janitor at Crystal Lake Research Facility with the Brooklyn accent.
• $100 bucks says the janitor is going to save the day later on.
• Aw man, I just had a theory that this whole movie will take place inside this research facility. This rather lame research facility.
• Tina’s doctor keeps saying they had a breakthrough with Tina because she moved a magnet a few inches on a table. Do they not know about her crushing a house down on a hulking killer zombie? Or resurrecting her dead father? What about when she threw that TV with her mind?!
• Now the military is involved and bringing in another girl, which I’m assuming also has telekinetic powers.
• “Catch who?” Yeah, catch who? I have zero clue.
• Tecmo Super Bowl!

• Dr. Creighton Tuk? That’s his real name?
• So this is a military research facility? OK. And Creighton Duke has been doing research there and he is just now getting introduced to the general in charge there?
• I love how Creighton Duke’s research notebook is literally fashioned like a witch’s spell book with weathered colored and wrinkled paper with frayed edges.
• The Duke and the general don’t much like each other. It’s a feud worthy of WCW Monday Nitro.
• It wouldn’t be the worst idea to explain Jason’s supernatural powers on chemical waste in Camp Crystal Lake from this research facility. Better than a demon that can possess people.
• Soap operas have better pacing and dialogue than this.
• “She’s the ‘New Blood’ around here.”
• Tina spent like 5 hours with Nick in Part VII but she goes crazy whenever his name is mentioned that she has to find him.
• I would love it if Tina blew up someone’s head like Scanners.
• There’s this elite fighting force called FAAST (Forward Assault Anomaly Strike Team) [Anomaly?] and one of the grunts loves his shotgun so much that he named it. I was waiting for something really tough like Ol’ Painless or something dirty/lewd but instead it’s just Bessie.
• Why is there Terminator, First Blood and ’89 Batman posters on the back wall?
• “A new super soldier. Ain’t that right?” It would’ve been hilarious if that soldier replied “Sir. Yes Sir.” In the most effeminate voice imaginable.
• “Imagine Mike Tyson…on a mound of Scarface cocaine.” We really don’t need to imagine that. Isn’t that a given?

• This one elite soldier looks like he should be manning the grill rocking pristine white New Balance sneakers.
• These FAAST soldiers are going to lure Jason in using his old clothes and hockey mask.
• Tina force chokes Sanchez, the super bitchy FAAST soldier.
• Colonel Chase and the General are showing Tina’s doctor (Dr. Sykes) and Duke a home security video of Rose. They beef it up as only Rose and her parents were the only ones home at the time of the recording and that Rose was sleeping when this horrific event takes place with Rose’s powers. Dr. Sykes is so horrified at what he watches that he forces them to stop the video. However, they never show us nor tell us what they watched.
• So Part VII was Carrie vs. Jason and this “sequel” is more like Scanners vs. Jason. Should be anyway. I’m getting my hopes up.
• Dr. Sykes tells Tina what he watched on the Rose video. She killed her folks. But apparently her powers are so strong that they can’t mention it.
• So the military has nefarious plans for Rose to use as a weapon against foreign armies but first, she and Tina have to team up to psychically kill Jason Voorhees.
• Rose has red eyes. Just like a Sith Lord!

• Nintendo Power magazine!
• So the film skipped past all the rigmarole of Tina and Rose meeting and instead start them off as best buds. No need to see all that female bonding. In fact they’re already telling each other that they love each other. More movies should eschew the whole character development thing.
• Rose doesn’t know why she’s there, if she has powers or what happened to her folks. But she seems content playing Sonic the Hedgehog in a research facility all day long.
• A hand-held video game? A Magic 8-Ball gag? Guys trading Garbage Pail Kids cards? Super Mario Bros. 3? Same Canadian-produced power pop song from Part VII playing in the background? It’s the 80s! Editor’s Note: Super Mario Bros. 3 premiered in 1990 in the US!
• Seriously, why are they even trying with these references and comic relief. It’s been 42 minutes and still no fucking Jason. Let’s Fucking GOOOOOOOOO.
• Somehow Tina is shocked that she broke her lamp by levitating it during a nightmare. She does know she has telekinetic powers right?
• This movie could use some killings. The only thing this movie is killing is time.
• One of the army guys is yelling at Rose and saying he’s not afraid of her and tempting her to do something to him all while the General is right there. So fucking dumb. Anyway, she attacked them with a glass and takes out the General’s eye. So now he’s wearing an eyepatch.
• Hahahahaha. Holy Shit, did the General actually say “He who laughs last. Always laughs the longest.” Who the fuck wrote this?!
• Dammit, it just occurred to me that if we ever do get future F13 flicks, they most certainly will be written by ChapGPT or something. That’s literally a no-brainer.
• Fucking idiots. Did the filmmakers really think we’d be this invested in the further adventures of Tina Shepard, especially without Jason this long?
• Oh no Rose killed a bunch of army dudes much to their dismay and confusion.
• Why is Duke playing dominoes with that very blessed janitor? And why is the janitor warning Duke about protecting the girls Tina and Rose?
• I’m way past a Crazy Ralph warning now.

• “Rose was dealt the death card.”
• I have totally zoned out with this scene with Duke and the janitor arguing. I just don’t give a rat’s ass.
• Duke’s work station is nothing more than a desk with some stuff on it and a cork board with Native American culture stuff and Pancho Villa wanted posters. He also talks to a miniature mounted bull skull on the wall. He’s supposedly developing a serum of some sort yet there is no lab, no chemicals nothing remotely scientific at all in his office. In fact, I’m fairly certain they never explain what his serum formal is for or what it does.
• Now the army dudes are having a bit of fun on the walkie-talkies quoting First Blood lines. This movie has it all.
• “Are you going to look at my tits all night or are you gonna raise me?” Can’t he do both?
• These FAAST doofuses are really getting on my last alcohol-soaked nerves.
• “FAAST kills Fast!” Great motto! It originally was “FAAST. We got the meats” but they were sued by Arby’s.
• Nick! We have to find NICK!!
• Duke attempts to rescue Tina and escape with her but is immediately thwarted by the Colonel and his men. But then the Colonel says that “Project Manifest is finally underway.” I’m confused. Was Duke trying to escape with Tina part of the plan?
• So the big plan is to have Rose and Tina tied up to chairs in a seemingly empty room with flashing lights to induce stress and fear to psychically make Tina’s dad release the foot of Jason in the bottom of Crystal Lake. Literally a decomposing hand was holding Jason’s ankle down in the lake for 30 fucking years. And again, no one bothered to check the lake after the events of Part VII.
• Two idiot guards are messing around with Jason’s mask (which the film made a point about fixing since Tina broke the Hockey mask at the end of Part VII; why would they fix his mask when they could simply get a new hockey mask) and Jason salters in and makes a Jackson Pollack painting of one guard’s brains by smashing his noggin in the wall. Kill Count: 1

• Jason’s make-up is only second to Troma’s Toxic Avenger mask. He just put the Hockey mask on, so the pain of seeing that awful shit stops. I think he killed the other guards by breaking down the door with his whole body. Kill Count: 2
• A Friday the 13th movie should be made the same way classic porn was made. You have to give some “delight” sporadically through the movie. Imagine if a porn went 50 minutes without a fucking scene and nothing but plot set up, meaningless dialogue and exposition? Same thing with this, there should’ve been a quicker way to resurrect Jason earlier in the film to have him kill some randoms in the woods before he made it to the research facility. The porn industry knows what it’s doing. We all can take lessons from porn.
• So Jason’s back (fucking finally!) and it was not worth the wait. The most banal kills imaginable with the FAAST grunts.
• I think someone’s pulling a FAAST one on us!
• Bessie is just a run-of-the-mill shotgun and I don’t know why he bothered naming that piece of shit.
• Jason punched some grunt’s heart out of his back. Probably the only time I’ll give this film some credit for doing something worthwhile. Kill Count: 3
• The flick tried very hard to keep Jason as consistent looking as possible coming from Part VII with most of his skeleton showing in his arms. However, the make-up looks like obvious fake rubber.
• The chainsaw on a pole? AGAIN?!
• Sanchez basically gives up and raises her arms in a christ-like pose and defeatedly says “Fuck me.” Jason then obliges by fucking her gently with a chainsaw.
• A+ for effort on the guts getting sliced out by the chainsaw effect. Kill Count: 4
• Colonel and his goons are so fucking pumped to face Jason. Hey remember when this place spent a ton of money, time and resources on basically kidnapping two young girls with deadly telekinetic powers and trying to train them to use those powers to fight evil? Yeah, I must’ve been thinking of another movie too.
• Nice ax thrown effect to some army goon’s face. Kill Count: 5
• Another grunt also gets the ax. Kill Count: 6
• Random doctor/scientist enters the hallway at the wrong time. We’ve never seen this cat before but he’s about to meet his maker. But the film is taking its sweet time getting to his untimely demise; seriously this dude has been sweating by the wall for 2 minutes now.
• Jason uses a halberd like weapon to penetrate the wall as well as that scientist. Hahaha. Then Jason punches through the wall because the wall is balsa wood. Kill Count: 7
• The janitor is trying to open the key-locked door to save Duke. Not sure how Duke ended up in this situation though.
• Jason just offed another nameless never-before-seen scientist. Kill Count: 8
• Welp, I was wrong about the janitor saving the day. In fact he couldn’t open the door to save Duke and instead gets his face literally ripped off his skull like one of those stubborn price stickers on a Best Buy Blu-Ray. Nice! Kill Count: 9

• To add insult to injury, Jason then takes the face of the janitor and taunts Creighton Duke with it by smearing it over the glass on the door. Oh that Jason, what a card.
• I get that the filmmakers wanted to increase the world building with having this sequel feature Creighton Duke before his first appearance in Jason Goes to Hell but so far he hasn’t done a damn thing to warrant this prequel appearance. They said he invented a serum but I don’t know what that serum does or whose it for. The only info I recall was it has to do with a Spirit Molecule whatever the fuck that is. But I’m assuming it has to with the terrible plot of Jason Goes to Hell and Jason being able to possess people.
• For a movie featuring a returning protagonist with powerful telekinetic abilities that kicked Jason’s ass in a previous movie, they sure are being conservative in having her do much of anything in this. In fact, since she “resurrected” the big lug, she’s basically been catatonic. And Rose is just sitting there trying to wake Tina up and looking nervous. It’s very exciting I know!
• Colonel gets a machete through he wall and into his guts. That’s, the what, 2nd time Jason and his weapons blades been strong enough to cut through a research facility’s wall. Kill Count: 10
• Seriously, though, this is a scientific research facility that has holding cells for the psychic girls, shouldn’t the walls be brick? My elementary school had stronger walls.
• The general orders one of his minions to go, meaning to run past Jason but fails. That minion had a suitcase securely handcuffed his his wrist but I’ll be damned if I knew what was in the suitcase. I think it was the super special serum.
• For some dumb reason other than she hates him, Rose is using her telekinetic power to stop the general from shooting Jason.
• So Jason rips the suitcase off the army dude’s arm and in the process tears his whole hand’s skin off his bones like a glove. Kinda neat but they just threw off some dude’s face off his skull a few moments before so it’s a bit been there, done that at this point.
• Jason then pummels the grunt to a pulp with the suitcase. Kill Count: 11
• Jason then slowly rips out the General’s good working eye before breaking his neck. Kill Count: 12
• Rose uses her power to stab Jason in the eye with some random object that was lying on the desk. I freeze-framed this scene and I cannot figure out what this metal object is. A tuning fork perhaps?

• Anyway, he uses random metal object to kill Dr. Sykes unceremoniously. Kill Count: 13
• Perfect timing for Tina to wake the fuck up.
• I could only imagine the lame telekinetic effects that will unfurl for the next 10 minutes.
• OK. OKAY. O-FUCKING-KAY. Somehow Michael Fucking Myers just shows up behind Rose as she’s manifesting her ultimate psychic powers. The Halloween theme is even playing as he appears.
• In fact, the Halloween theme won’t stop and this movie just took on a whole new dynamic. Not a good one though.
• Especially when both Myers and Jason are just doing their usual blank stare at each other for 4 minutes straight.
• I get the fan-boy boner in placing Michael Myers in a Jason movie but there’s no rhyme or reason. Rose isn’t a canon character in any of the Halloween movies and they never established where she’s from so this is completely out of the blue. If they said Rose was from Haddonfield I would be more open to this cross-over.

• Rose could’ve easily have been Carrie or even Charlie McGee from Firestarter and that would make more sense right now. In fact, Rose manifested a perfect rectangle of flames that Michael Myers and Jason are about to fight in so I already put more thought into this scene than the filmmakers did.
• Michael Myers was even manifested with his signature kitchen cleaver. Convenient. And at least they knew to also have him do his signature head cock.
• As the melee is about to start Rose makes them both disappear (Not sure what powers she actually possesses) but a second later Jason thrusts his machete into Rose’s guts so yeah, this movie doesn’t really know what it’s doing or what it wants to achieve.
• Kill Count: 14 (maybe)
• And we’re back in modern times with older Tina in the Hodder Mental Facility.
• “She’s crazy bro!” No shit dude, this is a fucking mental facility.
• As if this flick couldn’t get more lame, but Tina is minding her own business doing the crossword when an orderly starts harassing her saying he’s not afraid of her powers or her delusions (meaning Jason) and Tina says he should be afraid of her delusion because it’s right behind him. Sure enough Jason just happens to be right behind the orderly.
• Kill Count: 15
• So backing up a bit, but back in 1989 Jason slaughtered everyone at the Camp Crystal Lake Research Facility and somehow Tina survived and we don’t get to know how or why. Was Rose real or was everything we just watched a delusion? Nothing is certain!
• Nick! It’s Nick! And it’s the same actor from Part VII! Why the fuck is he fucking there at this fucking moment!?
• Tina again uses her powers to tighten the hockey mask straps burning Jason’s noggin for a bit before the mask pops off revealing his rubber zombie face.
• And now her powers are making Jason glow around his edges only and she created a black hole portal in the wall sucking Jason in and he’s gone. You might be asking, “Hey Brad, what does this all mean? How is this possible?” And I could only reply, I dunno man, I just work here.

• Somehow, this ending with the black hole portal is more nonsensical than the ending of Part VII when Tina psychically resurrected her dead dad and kill Jason and die again in the process.
• Nick tells Tina that she was a very hard to find. Apparently he followed Jason to the exact same facility to find Tina at the exact time time. 

Imagine plunking down some hard earned cash to crowdfund this awful waste of time? I mean, you got some mid-life Lar Park-Linclon and very old Terry Kiser reprising their roles as well as a nifty albeit short Michael Myers cameo but was this really worth the $25 pledge? 


Kill Count: 15-ish

T&A Count: 0.0

Best Kill: Jason ripping off that dude’s face off!

Final Thoughts: As crazy as this is going to sound, but I was actually looking forward to watching this one. Not that A New Blood was good but the concept was and I had hopes upon hope that fans making a direct sequel would up the ante story-wise on the telekinetic girl battling Jason more. But somehow, they managed to make A New Blood a much better experience to watch. Sheesh. However, it had some decent kills and gore effects despite the make-up effects sucking and the acting left little to be desired. And then the whole finale went off the rails with the blink and you’ll miss him Michael Myers cameo that made zero sense. I’d save your time on this one and say don’t bother really. I couldn’t wait for this one to end FAAST enough.

Score: 3 Where’s the Direct Sequel to Jason Takes Manhattan? (out of 10)

Crazy Ralph’s Opinion: