Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Meet the new Jason. Same as the old Jason.

Here are some of our observations as we watched the film:

• Brian: ”What do you think about new beginnings?” “What is that, the feminine hygiene spray?”
• Brad: Corey Feldman is back ladies and germs!
• Jim: Corey Feldman filming his cameo in his own backyard on his day off from filming The Goonies. What a guy.
• Brad: I remember getting really excited that Corey Feldman was back as Tommy Jarvis only to realize this was just a dumb unnecessary cameo.
• Jim: I truly hope Corey Feldman doesn’t run like that in real life.
• Brian: Why did they mark Jason’s grave and make it look nice with stone landscaping? If I remember correctly, he’s a murderer.
• Brad: And why is he just buried willy-nilly in Corey Feldman’s backyard the woods?
• Jim: There have never been two more deserving to be murdered jag-offs in the franchise than these two grave-robbing asshats.
• Brad: What else would anyone expect when they dig up Jason? Did they just want to see his corpse. And why was he buried wearing his hockey mask?!
• Jim: Why did Jason have an awl in his hand? They buried it and the machete with him? Terrible funeral home.
• Brian: I didn’t notice that at awl. AT AWL!
• Brad: The two grave robbing assholes brought nothing to even attempt to defend themselves. Kill Count: 2
• Brian: Before HD could you not see the black fabric in the eye holes of his hockey mask?
• Brad: Jason must be a Goonie because he never says die.
• Jim: Thanks Corey, we just needed you to show everyone that you are now this grown-up guy. Tommy Jarvis is dead long live Tommy Jarvis.

• Brian: How is this really a “new beginning” if it stars the main character from the previous movie?
• Brad: The new Tommy looks nothing like the old Tommy.
• Brian: I wish Tommy had maintained the haircut he gave himself at the end of Part IV.
• Jim: I think the porn mag the ambulance guy is reading has to count for the earliest ass-shot in a F13 movie ever award.
• Brian: Oh hey it’s the treasure thief who inspired Indiana Jones.
• Jim: Have you ever seen the director of this movie’s porno from 1973? Meh at best is all I can say.
• Brad: It’s no The Party at Kitty and Stud’s!
• Brad: So is Tommy in this youth rehab center simply because he killed Jason? Sure he acted a little out of character in his enthusiasm for hacking Jason and yelling “Die!” A hundred times but he was only defending his family and himself. Give the kid a break. I’m sure once he sees his first pair of boobs he’ll be right as rain.
• Jim: A Youth development center in the middle of the woods, that only has one sheep? The poor thing better not bend over for the oats.
• Brad: Tommy does seem nervous.
• Jim: Is that the lovely Juliette Cummins I see?
  
• Jim: I forgot how much I loved the actor with the mustache who works for the hospital – the guy is a genuine hoot.
• Brad: Isn’t that the Micro-Machine guy?
• Jim: This installment does not have its shortage of babes boy howdy. Fuckin’ every chick is hot.
• Brad: Even Ethel?
• Brian: Am I nuts or if you took Ethel’s bad wig away and cleaned her teeth she’d be kind of hot? Like a flat-chested Adrienne Barbeau.
• Jim: The guy who runs this joint has an eclectic collection of shit on his office wall. Everything from how to stop child abuse, to John Lennon, to a lobby card for Godzilla vs. Mothra.

• Brad: An honor system?! Yeah good luck with that.
• Brad: Yeah these two doctors/counselors are boning. No fucking doubt.
• Brian: I always love when a photo in a sequel is just a still from the movie before it.
• Brad: It was the only photo of his mom and Trish that he had.
• Jim: Hey Everyone! It’s Dudley from Different Strokes! Was I the first to say it or not? We don’t really watch these movies together during these triple reviews. It is an illusion called for by the narrative.
• Brian: Is Reggie the first black character in the series?
• Brad: No way. No one calls him Reggie the Reckless.
• Brad: So Tommy is in a mental rehab and came from one, yet he has a rather large switchblade knife? They really are on an honor system.
• Jim: Pretty sweet that those are the same masks young Tommy had in Part IV.
• Brian: I think that was less of a continuity nod and more of they couldn’t afford new masks.
• Brad: At least they carried over Tommy’s hobby of making rubber monster masks. Of course this never really plays a part in the three Tommy Jarvis F13 flicks. He should’ve made a Jason one to highlight his Jason obsession as well as a way to use it for his advantage later on. He tried to trick Jason at the end of Part IV after all. And we all know how easily Jason could be tricked.
• Brad: “They were screwing their heads off, Matt” And yet, where’s your proof? Is there video?
• Jim: RIP Carol Locatell. No woman has ever cursed this perfectly in a motion picture.
• Brad: She swears more than the whole cast of Goodfellas combined.
• Brad: Why is Ethel so fucking filthy?! Both her and her dimwitted son, Junior, are absolutely covered in grime.
• Brian: I guess you’ve never been covered in pig cum that dries slowly and attracts dirt like you wouldn’t believe!
• Brad: “He’s like any other kid. He’s just [Tommy] been through a lot, that’s all.” What all-American boy hasn’t survived and hacked apart an indestructible killing monster in a hockey mask?
• Brad: So is this still Wessex County or the Crystal Lake area? How does the sheriff know who Tommy is? And how is it Crystal Lake has a youth rehab in the community? Besides the abandoned camp, we later on see this rehab is down the street from a trailer park and there’s a homeless fella wandering around Ethel’s dirt farm. Not exactly the best community.
• Brian: I hope that’s chocolate Joey has all over his fingers.
• Brad: This is the loser fat kid. See, he’s the loser fat kid because every pocket of his has a candy bar as well as perpetual chocolate all over his face.
• Brian: Is Vic chopping this log for a purpose or just getting his aggression out? Because if it’s for firewood logs he’s doing it the exact wrong way.
• Jim: You know Vic has to be dangerous. Not because he’s chopping wood with an axe, he’s wearing the same studded arm band Freddie Mercury did in Live Aid.

• Jim: Joey is obviously a troubled teen, he wears his chocolate bars on his face more than in his tummy! That crazy kid.
• Brian: OH SHIT VIC IS SUICIDE FROM RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD! What do you think, think this is a fuckin’ costume?? It’s a way of life!
• Brad: Vic is not in the mood for Joey’s candy bullshit. I’m picking up that kind of vibe.
• Brian: Maybe giving the kid with uncontrollable anger issues a sharp axe was a bad idea?
• Jim: Joey’s axe-murder really came out of left field didn’t it?
• Brad: Me thinks your Honor System has failed. Kill count: 3
• Brian: Do paramedics typically show up for a homicide?
• Jim: Roy, the weaker-constitutioned of the paramedics, looks like the dad from Wonder Years.
• Brad: Why are they allowing the other kids, the already disturbed ones, to see Joey’s hacked up body?!
• Jim: Those faces Roy makes, is there something more going on here?
• Brian: Why are these dudes dressed like the Leather Man from the Village People? Since they’re stuck in the woods together, maybe we’re about to find out…
• Brad: Why does this flick set in 1985 have two greasers from the 50s? Are they heading over to the Sha-Na-Na concert?
• Jim: Despite these two rejects from The Lords of Flatbush saying that the “cunts” aren’t going to wait all night for them, I’m pretty sure they’re talking about other men if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
• Brad: All I know is their car is not automatic, and it’s not systematic, and it’s especially not hydromatic!
• Brian: I think we’re about to see some greased lightning.
• Brad: “As far as I’m concerned, all those loonies should be killed off one by one.” Hey hey, watch it with the foreshadowing!
• Brad: Why are these two greasers so hostile? Was their pomade spikes with steroids or something?
• Brad: “Crap my ass!” Seriously that is an odd time to have to take a dump. And kinda odd casting that Pete the crapping greaser will later be Arnold Epstein in Biloxi Blues.
• Brad: Does Vinnie even know what he’s doing?
• Jim: Road flare to the mouth, and you’re to blame, honey you give homosexuals dressed in 50’s greaser attire – a bad name.
• Brad: You can’t just turn off a road flare. Unless you deep throat one. Kill count: 4
• Brian: This new Jason really has a flare for killing.

• Brad: It’s a good time to mention that this flick’s director was a porn director.
• Brian: Is cutting the throat from the backseat the most played out movie kill?
• Brad: Why did Jason wait the minute and half that it took Pete to start the car before he sliced his throat? Kill count: 5
• Jim: Jason couldn’t have killed this douche before he started singing this shit “Ratta-Tatta-Tooey” thing?
• Brad: Is it just me or is kinda strange that it seems Tommy’s trauma is more so that he killed Jason than being almost killed by Jason? I mean, sure killing someone should be traumatic but he was defending himself and his sister and the fact that Jason was a hulking mass murderer—it was completely justified.
• Brian: I don’t know I think killing Jason would’ve been pretty fun when I was 12.
• Jim: So we got the survivor trope, the stutterer, the whore, the shy girl, the girl really into New Wave, and the guy that bangs the whore. Dear Mr. Vernon we accept the fact …
• Brad: Big mistake Violet! The gall of you placing a setting for Vic and Joey! This is the sort of thing that would make Vic go fucking bonkers and ax you to death!
• Brad: Who the fuck is Eddie? Does Tommy even know?
• Jim: Tommy can throw the fuck down! Van Damme!
• Brian: You know, I don’t think this crazy kids camp is really working out.
• Brad: Let’s see what Ethel is cooking up!
• Brad: “You big dildo. Eat your fucking slop!” It’s a good time to mention that this flick’s director was a porn director. Speaking of we should just watch this instead:

• Brad: She calls her stew “slop” and in the next line she asks Junior if her stew is the best in the entire world. Who the fuck wrote this?!
• Brian: That’s funny, I’ve never seen garbage eat garbage before.
• Brad: Coyote? Aw hell, just use some Acme products and that’ll take care of him.
• Brad: Is this seriously just some random homeless drifter wandering up to Ethel’s humble abode asking for food? Fucking Reaganomics.
• Jim: This transient red herring always seemed stupid to me.
• Brad: The film just fabricated an extra red herring for shits’ sake.
• Brad: If he cleans all the shit out of the chicken coop he can have a hot meal. Ethel’s a Cromdamned saint.
• Brian: Actually she said she’d “fill his stomach.” She didn’t say with what. Maybe she’ll give him all the chicken shit he can eat!

• Brad: Ethel exclaims that the drifter is one ugly looking man. A. He wasn’t that bad looking—clean him up and he could be Jack Palance’s younger brother and B. Like Ethel should fucking talk.
• Brad: Isn’t this Tommy’s first full day still? So his first day of arriving he watches some nut job hack apart another nut job over a candy bar? There’s no hope for any of those kids now.
• Brian: Roy kind of looks like Lou Ferrigno if every time he meant to work out he just jerked off instead.
• Brad: Now most of us has seen this dreadful movie before and know who the real killer is. But watching it again is hilarious in the ways they hint at the real killer.
• Jim: Roy’s developed a thicker skin since his last outing, picking up the bodies of the two dead gay Fonzies he’s all smiles.
• Brian: I love that this attractive waitress is all hot and bothered about going out with a Mean Gene Okerlund lookalike.
• Brad: And why is he dressed like a Russian submarine seamen?
• Jim: Holy fuck the guy from the hospital is tooted out of his mind – I mean in real life, the actor is clearly on coke and is probably doing it for real in this scene.
• Brad: Is this the only F13 flick to feature cocaine?
• Brian: Schlocktoberfest cat jump scare #604. 
• Jim: Screeching cat jump scare. Fucking 80’s horror. That’s what, four of these for me so far this year?
• Jim: Lana sprays Binaca on her tits. A sign o true high-class. First real tits of the movie and I’d have to give them … a … 5.5
• Brad: Lana shows her tits off to herself (and us the audience). It’s a good time to mention that this flick’s director was a porn director. Tit Count: 2
• Jim: Billy’s rambling in his car while he’s doing a bump was repeated by me and my old gang the entire fucking summer of 1985. It always made us laugh to mumble, “Dat’s it.” Fuck you, we were still on the Commodore 64, and there was no internet yet.

• Brad: Micro Machine Cokehead gets an ax to the brain. Kill count: 6
• Brian: Aside from the flare, the kills so far have been kind of mundane.
• Brad: Within the 30 seconds of Billy getting brained and Lana coming out of the diner, Jason removed Billy’s body just to give Lana the false sense of normalcy before he places an ax in her baby maker. Kill Count: 7
• Jim: An axe to Billy’s bald spot, and an axe between Lana’s tits – boys & girls, I give you date night at Camp Crystal Lake.
• Brian: I guess the whodunit aspect of this is something different, even though people flatly rejected it and just wanted Jason killing people. Even though they just replaced him with another Jason (Jaysen?) so it’s the same shit.
• Brad: Well, if that’s the way you feel, forget it Brian. JUST FORGET IT! But I think you’re really out of line.
• Brad: Is this film trying to lead us to believe that Tommy is imagining everything? So far he’s dreamed of Jason and seen him only in his imagination twice as well as has had audio flashbacks to Jason’s death in part IV so I can see the filmmakers maybe thinking they could do the ol’ it was just a figment of Tommy’s frail and sick mind kind of thing. Of course this failed and no one fucking cared. The next movie had Jason homage James Bond.
• Jim: How many more times is Tommy gonna Laurie Strode-hallucinate Jason watching him?

• Jim: According to the Mayor, Jason was cremated after the events of part four. So how come his body was intact and barely decomposed in part 6? I’ll tell you how: movie magic and laziness.
• Brad: Cremated? Nice try. Parts VI—X beg to differ.
• Brian: Maybe the mayor confused “cremated” with “bukkaked.”
• Brad: I mean he should’ve been cremated but who am I to tell them what to do with a thrice resurrected unstoppable killer.
• Brad: These are really super-duper horny teens. They only live for fucking.
• Jim: Now these tits are a whopping 10! Thank you to the actress Debisue Voorhees (a cute coinky-dink) director of 13Fanboy.
• Brian: Why’s this drifter watching these teens have sex when he’s supposed to be cleaning the shit out of Ethel’s chicken coop? No wonder he can’t hold a job.
• Brad: The drifter is enjoying the show. We all are. Until he gets assaulted with a machete in the gut. Kill count: 8
• Brian: That drifter’s only purpose was to be another machete victim. They didn’t even try to make us think he could be Jaysen.
• Brad: Now we’ll never know if he cleaned out the shit in the chicken coop.
• Jim: Why does Eddie need to wash up? That sex was almost as fast as Judith Myers and her Boyfriend’s – there is no way he has any bodily fluids on him.
• Brian: There’s a deleted scene where a skunk comes by and sprays his balls as he climaxed. It’s the only way he can get off.
• Jim: I once read a review of this movie describing it as the “sleaziest” of the Friday the 13th movies. I have to concur, it does have an oily feel to it.
• Brian: Don’t kill this naked girl who looks like Linda Blair just ye… aw, man……

• Brad: Man, those are very healthy looking mammary glands. Tit Count: 4
• Brad: It’s a good time to mention that this flick’s director was a porn director.
• Brian: IMDb trivia: There was originally a 3-minute long sex scene with Deborah Voorhees, but the MPAA forced them to cut it to 10 seconds. MONSTERS!!!
• Brian: By the way, nice Cropsey ripoff there, Jaysen.
• Brad: Kill Count: 9 (11 if you count the breasts—they were characters all their own)
• Brad: Washing up entailed going to the edge of the brook and throwing some rocks in the water? You left that beautiful naked horny chick alone so you can waste time by the water? What the fuck is wrong with you? No wonder he’s at a Youth Rehab.
• Brian: See, the leather strap across the eyes kill is more like it.
• Brad: This method of death always baffled me. Like, did Jason purposefully bring that belt with the rings on the end for the sole purpose to strap the victim around the eyes as they are pinned to a tree and then the belt turned tightly until it crushes the skull?

• Jim: The transient, the whore, another fuck buddy all wiped out in one set-piece. This moving is calling in the hurry-up squad I guess.
• Brad: What the hell is Tommy doing leaning against that tree alone at night for when Pam, Reggie, Matt and Reggie’s grandpop George are waiting outside. It’s so weird.
• Brad: Pam is going to take Reggie and Tommy out for fun. They never say where they’re going to though. Just that Pam is taking Reggie to see his brother Demon.
• Brad: Hahaha. I love how the music tenses up as they drive 30 seconds down the road. I mean, they did end up at the trailer park so maybe that’s the reason for the suspenseful music.
• Brad: Also, they could’ve very easily walked to the trailer park from how quick the film made that drive seem.
• Brad: This dude is named Demon? Really? This guy?! Had to be one of those ironic nicknames like Tiny or Pretty Boy.
• Brian: HOLY SHIT IT’S SPIDER FROM ROTLD!!!!!!!! And lest we forget, Freddy from ROTLD will play Tommy in the next picture! Where’s James Karen and Clu Gulager and John Philbin and Linnea Quigley?
• Jim: I fucking love Miguel Nunez Jr.
• Brian: Tommy, can you hear me?
• Brad: Demon just so happens to have spare enchiladas lying around. Nice.
• Brian: Looks like it’s feeding time for the Demon.
• Brad: Demon is bragging that his rings are from him traveling all over the world. Yet he lives in a van in a trailer park in the sticks in southern NJ. Who the fuck is buying this bullshit?!
• Brian: I’m tired of writing, but I’ll feel a lot better after I shit.
• Brad: Reggie is reckless but he’s got moxie.
• Brad: So this is their big fucking getaway for the evening? Hanging with Demon and his girlfriend Anita in a sloppy van in a trailer park? Man this is starting to depress me.
• Brad: “Hey, stay safe Reckless!” He wouldn’t be named Reckless if he played it safe Demon.
• Brad: They literally visited Demon for 3 fucking minutes.
• Jim: Tommy delivers an epic fucking beat down on Ethel’s son – I want this guy to do my collections from here on out, ya hear? I hear ya.
• Brad: Even more confusing is trying to figure out what year this movie takes place. Is it 1985? Placing these events to one year later than the previous film? Not quite seeing how more grown up Tommy is, especially showing Corey Feldman in the flashback/dream sequence. And to further confuse the timeline, Part 6’s Tommy is even older and that flick was made in 1986.
• Jim: I still do not know why I don’t own a t-shirt that says, “This shitbox is gross.”
• Brian: Scrawled on the walls of the outhouse: “Remember to flush, New Jersey needs the water.” But it’s an outhouse.
• Jim: It’s clear that both Janet Jackson and Vanity passed on the role of Anita.
• Brian: Spider/Demon is by far the best part of this picture, unfortunately he’ll be dead in 30 seconds.
• Jim: This fucking “Ooo-Baby” song is worse than “Ratta-Tatta-Tooey”
• Brad: This song, what do the kids say these days…slaps? Slaps as in I want to slap the ever living shit out of Anita and Demon and anyone else who came up with this garbage that I’ve had stuck in my head for days now.

• Brad: ‘Enchiladas’ ‘Ohh baby oh baby’ Is this where Chili’s got the idea for “I Want My Baby Back Ribs” jingle?
• Brad: Anita bites the big one off screen. Kill count: 10
• Jim: Demon’s overreacting when he’s killed in the gross shitbox works for some odd reason.
• Brad: It was those damn enchiladas!
• Brian: Weird that this is the second time in this movie that someone was killed while trying to take a shit. One more and I’m calling it a fetish.
• Brad: Does Reggie have a home? He’s not a patient at the youth center. He’s only there because his granddad works there. Go the fuck home Reckless!
• Brian: Why is Ethel making enough stew to feed an entire platoon of our fattest soldiers?
• Brad: And I love how her stew is basically a pot of hot water as she throws vegetables into it like an old Looney Tunes cartoon.
• Brian: You know it would’ve been nice to get backstory on all these crazy kids. Like some of them just seem normal but I guess not because they live at the crazy camp. Just like The Island of Misfit Toys from Rudolph.
• Jim: Ethel’s son looks like Chris Pratt.
• Brad: Jason decapitates Junior as he passes a tree. Kill count: 11
• Jim: Decapitation: the only cool way to stop someone from screaming.
• Brad: There was absolutely zero reason to have characters like Ethel and Junior in this flick. But like Ethel’s world-famous stew, every morsel is sure to please!
• Jim: If I had the pleasure to have met Carol Locatell at a horror convention, I would have had her sign my F13 part 5 poster with, “It’s about time you fuckwad.” Which we all know really means, “I love you, now get off that motorcycle and come have some stew.”
• Brad: Ethel becomes one with the stew when a cleaver breaks through the kitchen window in front of her. Kill count: 12
• Brad: It’s a good time to mention that this flick’s director was a porn director.
• Brian: This isn’t one for the complaint department, but there’s not one bra worn in this movie.
• Brad: And Pam’s truck won’t run. There’s equal number of naked breasts as there are stalled vehicles in this movie. (Not for long…)
• Brad: Why are these two kids watching A Place in the Sun? Shouldn’t they be snorting coke and humping on the couch?
• Jim: Don’t get upset Jake, we all wanted to bang Robin – we just didn’t go cry in a hallway when she said no.
• Brad: Robin, you heartless bitch. Jake opens up his heart’s desires to her and she laughs in his face. If Jason doesn’t rip her eyeballs out, Jake sure should.
• Brad: Jake gets an off screen ax to the noggin. Adieu Jake, we hardly knew ya. Kill count: 13
• Brian: There’s a meat cleaver overhead shot then the cutaway kill, does it get more ho-hum than that? Come on, Jaysen, I know you can do better.
• Jim: The edits in this installment make me really wish an uncut print existed.
• Brad: I’m very baffled at how this youth rehab center operates. It just looks like a bunch of troubled kids in a large house in the woods. They all have their own room that they can decorate however they want and we haven’t seen them go through any counseling or therapy or do any chores other than laundry and firewood chopping.
• Jim: Juliette Cummins (Robin) gives us another topless shot. Thank The Maker. I really wish her lawyers had a sense of humor. I wasn’t really gonna blow up a Marie Calendar’s in celebration of her.
• Brad: Tit Count: 6
• Jim: But I do have to admit, those glass-cutters would have made it all worth it.
• Brad: Should we be confused that Jason went past Robin watching TV undetected to go upstairs to kill Jake? Like why didn’t he kill Robin first? Was he waiting for her to finish the movie she was watching?
• Brian: The machete through the bunk bed is nice, but we’ve been here before.
• Brad: Brian’s got a point. A New Beginning my ass. Kill Count: 14
• Jim: Say goodbye to Violet, the by-product of Robert Smith, Siouxsie Sioux, and Tim Burton; while she does a robot dance to a Pseudo Echo song. That could quite possibly be the most 80’s thing ever written.
• Brian: And machete to the gut. He could’ve at least cut Vi’s throat with the record she was pop-locking to.

• Brad: I love how these kids had nothing to do in this flick other than get killed. I know that’s usually the case with these F13 flicks but this film sets them at as troubled youths in a rehab center and there’s nary a development of character at all. AT ALL! Kill count: 15
• Brian: I think I have these kids psychoanalyzed and why they’re at this crazy camp. Vic: Too angry. Joey: Chocoholic. Robin: Kind of a bitch. Tina and Eddie: Too horny. Jake: Stutterer. Vi: Bad dancer. Tommy: Nuts.
• Brad: Reggie is recklessly entering Tommy’s bedroom.
• Brad: Oh look, Jason piled up the other kids’ corpses on Tommy’s bed for dramatic effect! What a card that Jason is. And did we really need for Reggie and Pam to find those bodies in Tommy’s room separately? Couldn’t they have discovered them together to save some time?
• Brad: Is Jason trying to frame Tommy for these murders? I guess the film is trying to give us the impression that it could be Tommy doing the killing since he’s obviously mentally ill.
• Brad: We all know this isn’t the real Jason, (spoiler alert!) yet this JINO (Jason in Name Only) still has the super strength to crash through a wooden door instead of him simply opening it like a normal human being.
• Brian: Yeah but he’s just having fun with it, getting lost in the role of Jason. Let’s not judge him too harshly.
• Brad: I think Pam, Violet (& Ethel) are the only 3 females to not bare their boobs. But Pam’s wet blouse might be close enough.
• Jim: This chase scene has devolved into a what’s with Pam’s disappearing and re-appearing sweater.
• Brad: You can’t have a F13 movie without an extended scene of running for dear life in the woods at night. Bonus points for pouring rain.
• Jim: Dudley screams like a girl. Why didn’t he scream like this when Mr. Horton was about to sexually assault him in the back of the bike store?
• Brian: Because his mouth was full of pizza and wine.
• Brad: Also Reggie didn’t scream once when he discovered the dead bodies in Tommy’s room or when Jason crashed through the front door of the house. But now?
• Brian: Jaysen just teleported to the ambulance. Seems to be a theme this month.
• Brad: I love how old-fashioned this ambulance is. It’s like from the 60s.
• Brad: I’m assuming Jason killed that ambulance driver? I mean it could’ve been a drug overdose with how much drug use is in this movie but I’m willing to give benefit of the doubt. Kill count: 16
• Jim: God damn, Pam fills out a wet white shirt with no bra almost as well as Bo Derek. Now I remember why I rented the ever-loving fuck out of this movie when I was 13.
• Brian: Weird that the main counselor guy was killed offscreen with a railroad spike through the head. Might’ve been good to see him give Jaysen a little run for his money. Or a blowjob in exchange for his life, really mix things up a bit. Kill count: 17
• Brad: Jason throws the already dead body of granddad George through the window to scare Pam. Jason was busy while they were out visiting Demon. Kill count: 18
• Brian: Reggie’s granddad also has his eyes stabbed out like the naked Linda Blair girl. Now we’re repeating kills from the same movie. Probably even the same prosthetics!
• Brad: I know it’s useless to point out how idiotic it is to trip when trying to flee these slow stalking killers in these slasher flicks but seriously, I don’t think I’ve tripped outside running since I was 11.
• Jim: Reggie rescues Pam with the help of Bonecrusher. The Constructicon. From the Transformers cartoon. He’s a bulldozer. It’s from the fucking 80’s.
  
• Brad: Jason just stares at Reggie barreling towards him with the bulldozer. What’s a youth rehab center doing with a bulldozer anyway?!
• Brian: Why does Jaysen’s head look like a rotten jellyfish?
• Brad: Why the fuck are you standing just 2 feet from Jason and staring at him. You could’ve been running away to safety you two dumb fucks.
• Jim: This Jason is rocking the Michael Myers overalls with great aplomb.
• Brian: Weird, if only we had previously seen an adult male with the exact same bright blue eyes we’d know who Jaysen was…
• Brad: OK up the barn we go. Never had this type of setting before. Well since Part III. New Beginning my ass.
• Brad: Hahahaha. Jason opens a door and Pam comes rushing out with a chainsaw. Miraculously she started the chainsaw just as he was opening the door!
• Brian: As anyone who has used a large power tool will tell you, they all start on the very first pull, every time.

• Jim: Pam goes all Leatherface on Jason attacking him with that chainsaw! Girl, you by all means go!
• Brad: Reggie is cheering on the Pam Jason fight like it’s Thunderdome.
• Brad: The chainsaw ran out of gas so Pam throws the saw at Jason but she throws it opposite of the blade end.
• Brian: Where the fuck was Tommy this whole time?
• Jim: Jason looks almost happy to see Tommy, look at those wide eyes!
• Brad: Tommy is frozen with fear as Jason slowly approaches him and while we all wait Tommy is hearing the past sound clips of himself saying “Die!” from Part IV. But there’s also another sound bite of a man saying “Remember” and I don’t recall who that could be or why he keeps telling Tommy to remember.
• Brian: Why is Jaysen still keeping up the Jason facade at this point? Why is he not running after these people to kill them? Why not just shoot them with a gun?
• Brad: Great point! What is his ultimate plan here? Just to kill everyone at that Youth Center, but then why kill those random greasers, Ethel & Junior and Demon & Anita? And if he was done after killing Reggie, Pam and Tommy was he just going to wish that the police would just assume it was Jason (there’s no eye-witnesses to corroborate this) and the investigation would go cold again?
• Jim: Fuck, Tommy stabbed Jason right in the femoral artery. He really should be dead.
• Jim: No Jason has ever shown this many wounds before. Clues.
• Brad: But again, these two numbskulls walk over the ledge to see where Jason fell and he didn’t but instead grabs Reggie’s leg and is trying to pull him down.
• Brad: C’mon Tommy get your head in the game dude!
• Jim: Tommy to the rescue. Who saw that coming?
• Brian: There could’ve been a lot more blood when Jaysen was impaled on 30 spikes.
• Brad: I’m sure that this spiked bed apparatus is some sort of farm equipment but does anyone that doesn’t work on a farm even know what it is? And why does a Youth Rehab center have this piece of farm equipment?
• Jim: Gotta give it up for Roy wearing two masks. I appreciate attention to detail in a serial killer, don’t you?
• Brian: Was Roy wearing a Jason skin mask as well as the hockey mask? Why?
• Brad: I’m more confused why it ripped open from the front when he fell backwards on spikes.
• Brian: Joey the chocolate bar kid was Roy’s son? That’s why he was Jaysen? Suuuuuuuure?
• Jim: That’s motive, sure.
• Brad: So Roy was so distraught over the death of his estranged son, Joey, that he went on a 18 person murder rampage. He never spoke to his son since he left him years ago and he apparently worked in the vicinity as a paramedic.
• Brad: The funny thing is, the only guy responsible for Joey’s death, Vic, is the only one left alive in jail. How does this revenge plot make any sense.
• Brian: RIght, like, some of the other kids were a little mean to Joey, but does that mean they have to die? And why the counselors and the old cook and Demon?
• Brad: So glad this sheriff had so much to do in this movie. Funny thing is he told the mayor earlier that he suspected the killings was caused by Jason but we never saw him or his deputies again since investigating or caring. Pointless!
• Brian: I think I’ve heard this peaceful ending music before. It never ends well. 
• Brad: Was this fake out death of Pam by Tommy really necessary? We know it’s a fake out since Tommy had a machete in the hospital bed with him.
• Brad: The director should’ve stuck to porn.
• Brian: Oh shit: Porn. Pam. Tommy. It all adds up to the park…
• Jim: Not my favorite ending to a Friday the Thirteenth. Coulda been done better.
• Brian: So they put Roy’s hockey mask in with Tommy’s things at the hospital? That may be the most implausible thing of all in this Friday the 13th sequel.
• Brad: Another fake out. Oh no. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, fuck you.
• Brian: Now Tommy is Jaicin! No, not according to Part VI he’s not. In fact, I don’t think they mention this at all. AT ALL!

Kill Count: 18

T&A Count: 3 pairs of Boobs! Unless you count Junior

Best Kill: Road Flare Deep Throat

Final Thoughts:

Jim: When your director did porn in the seventies, it’s gonna rub off on your eighties slasher. I happen to really like this entry in the series regardless of its reputation over the years – it’s funny even ranking Friday the 13th movies if you think about it.

Score: 6 Breasts That Are Too Good For This Movie (out of 10)

Brian: You know, this really isn’t that bad. Sure, it mostly makes no sense, but what does? It’s really weird that there’s no real lead in this movie. You’d think it would be Tommy but he says two words and disappears for most of the third act. It kind of turns into Pam at the end but she’s not in it that much either. It’s not even really Jaysen who’s not fully seen most of the time. I guess by default it’s Reggie? Anyway, it’s a lot more entertaining than the usual horseshit we watch at the HTTHV barn.

Score: 6 Stomachs Filled with Chocolatey Chicken Shit (out of 10)

Brad: The black sheep of the Friday the 13th family. Despite it having one of the highest kill counts and boob counts, people still regard this one as a terrible installment, even compared to the later ones. I can’t blame them, even when I was a wee lad this one was watched as much as Manhattan or even the first one probably due to the Jason-less aspect. But as I grew up, this one grew on me (like a fungus) and it’s good clean schlocky fun. It has it’s dumb sleazy charm and it’s one of the more uniquely styled F13 flicks that didn’t relay on dumb gimmicks like sending Jason to Manhattan or outer space. If only Paramount didn’t churn out these schlocky F13s every year maybe they’d be little better. If they spaced them out more and took the time to flesh out and write something worthwhile we’d have a better fake Jason movie than distraught Paramedic father goes berserk over death of his abandoned son. It’s hard to understand Paramount’s logic here. They killed off a cash cow after 4 movies in a franchise but a year later decide to revive the series with a fake Jason doing the killings and then allude to Tommy maybe becoming the next Jason in the fade out finale. Was the intent to have Tommy be the next Jason? We all know that idea, if true, was quickly discarded. But really why revive the series with a fake Jason? Did they think OK, just one more F13 and then we’re done for good? It’s obvious that these Paramount executives were snorting too much coke. But that’s the 80s for ya! Happy Friday the 13th!

Score: 5 Damn Enchiladas! (out of 10)